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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 09/01/2018 09:52

Both you and his wife deserve better. How bitter and ugly this man will leave you both when he's done with it all. The wife is already bitter, I am sure. You're getting there yourself, by the sounds of it. This experience has left you with nothing but the inability to trust and that's an awful burden to bear. You should get off this crazy train, get some therapy, reboot, and love someone wholly, with joy in your heart, not bitterness.

You do know that by telling her, you'll be sticking dynamite underneath all 3 of your chairs. Is it worth the fallout? I'd just say, 'Fuck it. I'm done. Clean slate' and totally move on, move away, get a new job, a new haircut! Whatever. I'd just wash it all down the drain and seek out happiness.

TheVanguardSix · 09/01/2018 09:52

Haven't read the whole thread... maybe I should have done that. Confused

bitzy12 · 09/01/2018 09:54

To be honest, I don't even know if this post is real.....

But anyway, if it were me, yes I would want to know. 100%. It's a stupid question to begin with as we would all want to know if our other half's were cheating.

However I wouldn't want to hear it from you. Not because you are the ow. But because you are so selfish and have to respect for anyone else's feeling but your own. The hurt you could cause by getting it all out in the open doesn't bother you and for that reason I wouldn't want it to come from you.

If you were the ow but came to me full of remorse it would be a different story. I still wouldn't like you but I'd appreciate you telling me the truth. Od probably feel sorry for you in some sort is strange way.

You sound very much like the woman my dad had an affair with. She hurt my family more than my dad ever did - and we were all extremely angry with him but she was something else. Made everything 100x harder for my mum. Horrible horrible woman. Happy to say they have split now

TheVanguardSix · 09/01/2018 09:56

Yeah me too... beginning to think we've all been led down the garden path (covered in bullshit and stinking to high heaven) with this thread.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 09:57

Been keeping it up for a couple of months if it's bullshit, had several threads of her own and commented on quite a few others

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:58

Yes, was about to say the same. Whatever is behind the jarring posting style, it's been consistent over months now.

Sarahh2014 · 09/01/2018 10:03

This reply has been deleted

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WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 10:23

"All of last year (and before I met him) i wanted to get back in touch with the version of me that existed before my marriage and pregnancy, because I was happy then and not bitter like I am now. Then I meet him and he's everything I wanted back then and reminds me of everything I was back then, he makes me feel like I'm 23 again."

Back then you wanted a man that sleeps in bed with another woman every night? Who cuddles up with his family for movie night, shooting you the odd text to keep you sweet? Possibly showers with another woman, holds her hand in the cinema etc.

"I sometimes see him as an obstacle to my own happiness, but I haven't nuked the whole thing because I know I deserve to give it a chance (despicable behaviour aside)"

His behaviour isn't deserving of anything except contempt? He's stringing two women along, one of whom seems to be having mental health issues, (which would make you vulnerable to creeps like this).

You can be happy, you can be the best version of you possible. You can reclaim some of who you were at 23. You can reconnect with your dd, and learn some empathy. You could be a catch. But not while you're fucking a family man. Plus, talking from experience, some men who cheat have a nasty side, that their fuck buddies don't see. That's reserved for the mug at home, who does their laundry, cooks for them, does the brunt of childcare, and can't work out why he's suddenly so on edge, defensive, secretive etc. If he leaves her for you, I fear he'd end up treating you the same way.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 11:02

He doesn't know about my MH, I've thought of telling him, but I simply haven't had the courage to tell him

I was taken for granted for years, so i know how that feels and how I'll never le that happen ever again.

There are a few things I can't comprehend of his behaviour and wants but I guess the main one is that he really ants a domestic life with me

In so many ways, i wished he had been girl who I can just hang out with and no romantic bullshit involved.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 09/01/2018 11:05

How did I know you were the type who’s child prefers to live with Granny?
I knew it.
You’d potentially leave her if this doesn’t work out? Well. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything on mumsnet that has sickened me more.

Start worrying about the child you brought into this world. And not another woman’s man.

I withheld judgement until we got to your daughter.

I’m disgusted, and there’s NO excuse for it. None, whether you want to quote having her young (ditto) whether you want to quote her father for some reason (ditto!) severe mental health issues (ditto) none of it is an excuse. I have lived through all of that, and there is no way I could leave my child and preface it with, well she’s back at her grand 10 minutes later, she rejects me. My child would have no choice but to reject me every single day, because I could never give up on her.

You are a sad woman OP

Taylor22 · 09/01/2018 11:07

So you don't love him enough to be completely honest with him but you 'love' him enough to destroy the lives of at least 3 innocent people?!

Get real!

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 11:08

Are you very isolated or lonely atm?

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 11:11

There are just days where i've had enough. Having a hysterical mother is in no ay something she deserves or needs. I would take her with me, to be ith my family but her dad would never let me. So it's basically staying inn a place which has crushed me and destroyed my soul to be with her or leaving her behind.

OP posts:
DotCottonDotCom · 09/01/2018 11:13

My god.
You are a piece of work and have no sense of your priorities.

Ps. Tell the wife. She’s gonna make your life a fucking misery :)

shoeaddict83 · 09/01/2018 11:18

The way I see it is his loss 100% MH issues aside I'm a pretty good catch
actually just snorted into my cuppa.
OP you are an absolute deluded piece of work from this and your previous threads, and a catch would be WAY down the list of the words id use to describe you.

here you've earnt my first ever MN Biscuit

Taylor22 · 09/01/2018 11:20

So separate create a lovely home and have a wonderful time during your visitation times.
It is not an all or nothing scenario.
You are orchestrating your own misery.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 11:23

Where are you from?

hungryhippo90 · 09/01/2018 11:24

Then fucking change! Be what she needs.
For fucks sake, this whole woe is me I can’t change the situation, but I’m a catch, and will ruin someone else’s family shit is getting old.
Look in the mirror, promise yourself you will be a better person, start with your child.
Make life about being what she needs.

Little in life fucks you up the same way as a fucked up relationship with your mum.

Get CBT, get proper help.

When you can say at the end of every day when you can say, I did best by the one person who should rely on me, you’ll feel much more in control, mich happier. But YOU have to do this if you are ever going to not feel guilty

bitzy12 · 09/01/2018 11:27

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 11:30

I'm from a land called California . I give my best to her every single day, I truly do, but it just doesn't seem enough. I haven't ben able to really take control of things would be like once I'm out of the house (which is the one big change that I hope will make things better). I genuinely think she would be happier without me or at least until I can get better.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 09/01/2018 11:33

A land called California? Hmm that would be the state then??

So you think your DD would be better off without you for a while but are happy to split another family up, move onto a man who has NO IDEA about your MH issues and has a child himself? Classic.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 11:34

No she won't, because once custody changes, it vary rarely changes back or changes again. And she's left with strange xenophobic granny slagging off her mother.

She needs you. If you were fully well you'd have the strength to do this.

Get back to the doctors today. Throw money at a private referral instead, if you can. But stop wasting your energy on the sad sack adulterer.

bitzy12 · 09/01/2018 11:36

I think you should stop feeling so sorry for yourself and grow up. I have MH issues. When I feel shit, my children are the only thing that keep me going. I literally could not ever imagine moving away from them. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

Bonez · 09/01/2018 11:39

He won't leave his wife for you. Also, children are not stupid so even if he did leave her for you they would find out eventually.

hungryhippo90 · 09/01/2018 11:39

If you truly give her the best you can, daily then I apologise for my rudeness, but it did read like she’s with her gran a lot and you’d leave her if this doesn’t work out.

If that isn’t the case, then I apologise, feeling that way isn’t fun,

What I do is take time to meditate on it, really think about what my DD gets from me, what I can improve on, and things that I do better than some others. It really helps me to balance my expectations of myself.