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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 09:11

*prick

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:12

I'd make her wish she'd never done it with a special kind of revenge.... and she'd never knowingly be an OW after that in her life.

You sound scary sandy.

Taylor22 · 09/01/2018 09:12

Of course he's still fucking his wife.
And kissing her on the cheek. And tell her he loves her.
And making plans for next years holiday.
Talking about retirement.

babigailwabble · 09/01/2018 09:20

Yes, definitely.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 09:23

He might still be doing all of that, how would I know? I've taken a leap of faith and will stick to it. He set himself a deadline and that's it, no extensions. If he doesn't I might or might not tell his wife, that I don't know. I'll cross an ocean and start afresh. That might mean leaving my daughter behind because of custody, but frankly I don't even want to stay here. Everything around me just makes me feel so trapped.

OP posts:
LinoleumBlownapart · 09/01/2018 09:25

I wouldn't want the OW to tell me, it would be better from a friend or relative, but I'd rather know. I can't abide liars and cheats, if DH had an affair he would not be who I think he is and it would be over. I'd rather be alone than married to someone capable of that level of deception. I know someone who was told by the OW, she went through the emotions and then left him. The OW did seem a bit gloating even though she probably didn't mean to and she's a lovely woman, despite everything. He's now with the olds OW and got a new OW too because that's the nature of those type of men. His ex wife is not going to tell her.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 09:25

The way I see it is his loss 100% MH issues aside I'm a pretty good catch

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 09:27

nite I repeat. Get a better counsellor, see your GP about your meds. You are clearly unwell posting what you are posting.

Threatening to tell his wife who you know, and who you know is unwell, and destroying her life because you KNOWINGLY started an affair with her husband. Leaving your daughter behind and not caring? So if married man does leave his wife, you want to leave anyway, which means fucking up your child and his kids.

You're either unwell, a sociopath or a truly evil piece of work. I'd like to think it was the first of those options and that if you are the second it's due to the first.

gotalottabottle · 09/01/2018 09:27

Wow, what a mess!
Speaking from experience here as a child of two parents that messed around, it screws children up beyond all belief and they WILL carry your crap decisions with them into their lives.

Do the decent thing, dump him, move on, find a single man, find someone with morals and respect for you. God knows it sounds like you have very little respect for yourself. WAKE UP!!!!!!

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:27

Don't you think your DD would be devastated if you emigrated without her?

If everything feels disoriented and you need one thing to cling to, cling to HER. She needs you.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2018 09:28

Well apart from your cheating and vindictiveness

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:30

Let's not get on to what a great catch you are again. You did all that to death last thread.

And to be honest, you don't sound like a catch, you sound like a hollowed out mess, which is probably what you should be addressing urgently.

For your daughter's sake.

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 09:34

You don't sound like a catch at all, you sound pathetic. This man is using you for cheap thrills, probably because you're the only woman that would let him atm. Or, you could be one of many. Don't assume you're better looking or sexier than the wife either, for many men cheating is a control/power thing, because they get off on the secrecy etc. Not because the ow was sooo irresistible. Do you not have anything else to offer in a normal relationship? You have to resort to being a side piece, to get any kind of affection. Are you that desperate? He might not want to leave his wife. I think you realisend that, and that's why you want to tell her..?

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 09:36

My daughter has openly rejected me time and time again . She rejects my side of the heritage (and yes husband and his family didn't help at all). Whenever I travel for work, she might say she misses me but 10mins she's back with Granny. So I'm sure she'll live a much happier life with granny. But yes she'd miss me but I would be in a much better place but literally and metaphorically

OP posts:
WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 09:37

*realise

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:40

She's a child. She isn't responsible for the meaning of what she says the way an adult is. She doesn't really understand.

That rift can be healed, and you need to save her from a family that encourages her to reject her mother and one of her cultures. You know that can't be good for her.

A divorce, family therapy for you and DD and MH support for yourself is ALL that you need.

You're clinging on to someone else's lecherous husband as though he will save you. He won't.

WickedLazy · 09/01/2018 09:40

I don't say this often, but if this is the kind of person you are, your daughter might be better off without you in her life.

"yes she'd miss me but I would be in a much better place but literally and metaphorically"

You sound like a selfish bitch, which certainly rules out being a "catch".

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 09:41

I was going to post:

'is this a wind up?!'

But now I'm thinking how sad, how utterly depressing. These poor children with their messed up parents. No wonder our society is so broken.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 09:41

Come on. Start thinking about your daughter as a young adult and what all of this will do to her.

You need to be focus soon that and only that. What's least bad for her? What will help make her feel safe?

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 09:42

From the OPs thread of 13 November, so that everyone has the full picture:

My OM and I had "the chat“ tonight. He said he loves me and he will leave her. He said she loves.him dearly and for the same reasons we need to do things in the right order. So we're cutting all ties and see where we stand in 6 months

Clearly, you haven't remotely cut all ties and waited six months.

For the record I haven't slept with him. We don't plan to. We regret to some extent that that's how our relationship started. Instead we've realised we're very compatible, that we're falling for each other and that we'd rather do things the best way possible. That includes not sleeping together.

And yet you clearly now admit you have slept together three times.

I want to have had the meds in my system for a few weeks so I can think straight (started taking them last week)

Are you still on them? Coz you ain't thinking straight.

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 09:44

It's all about 'Entitlement' - I DESERVE to be happy!

Leela2 · 09/01/2018 09:44

I have never, ever come across anyone as callous as you op. Do you have any empathy in you whatsoever, for anyone? Not even your own daughter? And you think OM won't notice your mental health issues, which are blatantly obvious from just a few postings?

You need to get yourself sorted out before you destroy anyone else. Seriously.

Taylor22 · 09/01/2018 09:49

You are not a catch. You're a hot mess.
And you shouldn't even be considering a normal relationship let alone one that is going to cause such drama.

You should be alone. So that you can learn how to clear your head. Learn how to handle your own drama and learn how to be a good mother.

You've gone from being dependent on your husband to another man.

He is not going to want to deal with your shit when all the allure of the relationship is gone.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 09/01/2018 09:50

You just sound like you want too hurt his wife just because you can. Because you're finally in control of something, whilst everything else around you is crashing down.

I want to share a story with you.
I had a friend once, she started an affair with a married man that she had known for a while (and knew his wife) She was single and just thought it would be a bit of harmless fun. Except, she fell for him and hard and no longer was content with sharing him. She wanted him all for herself.

He too, gave deadlines and reasons why he can't go just yet. It was always a special occasion coming up, or a birthday, or a holiday, or his goldfish had died kind of excuses.

She waited patiently for over a year, being his dirty little secret and hanging on too his every lie. So she came up with a plan. Why doesn't she meet with the wife and show her all the proof, because then wife would kick him out and they could be together like he had been promising. I mean what could go wrong?

Except it went very very wrong. Because rather than do it face to face, she posted it on Facebook and tagged the wife with some screenshots attached. She described the woman's bedroom, the man's body - basically anything she could which would validate it's true.

Did the man thank her? Did he fuck.
He lost his wife, got kicked out of the family home and lost a lot of friends.
Did he run straight into the arms of my friend? No.

She was genuinely heartbroken and couldn't understand why, he didn't get with her. He was now single after all. The man never so much as spoke to my friend again after her little stunt.

I'm guessing I'm telling you this because, I think deep down you know he won't leave his wife off his own free will. And the way you are writing it sounds like you're contemplating telling his wife in the hopes of pushing his hand. It won't work and it will massively back fire.

ALLIS0N · 09/01/2018 09:51

Get a better counsellor, see your GP about your meds. You are clearly unwell posting what you are posting

This. You sound very confused and a bit disturbed. Please get professional help.