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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:

popcorntime1 · 09/01/2018 00:04

So you want to force his hand in terms of him leaving her? I wouldn’t do that as then you will always wonder if he’s simply “chosen” you because his wife has thrown him out.

Bexter801 · 09/01/2018 00:05

I'd ignore the haters,and insults! You came on for advice,and personally I'd advise you to say absolutely nothing(you'll end up being the bad one!) And I'd spare your own feelings too,he's never going to stay with you....so I'd get away from him and the whole situation,before it gets ugly and inevitably your going to end up hurt. Good luck :)

LadyLapsang · 09/01/2018 00:05

Maybe you should consider getting some counselling. You sound like you could make better choices for your own wellbeing.

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:09

I agree LadyLapsang...

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2018 00:10

I am not sure I would want to know, to be honest.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2018 00:10

I also agree LadyLapsang...

SleepingStandingUp · 09/01/2018 00:11

I would want to know. And then you could keep him.
She is clearly suspicious. You are close enough to have a mutual friend. You sound disintegrated. Do you even love him? You admit he's done despicable things but you're still waiting for him.
Do you really hate her so much that you want to tear her marriage apart for a guy you don't seem much fused about?

Give the poor woman the confirmation she needs to walk away

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:11

You will be waiting forever. Please find the strength to move on without him.

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:14

And tell her in anyway you can, but not soit comes back to you. She deserves better. Any woman should have a choice when they know the truth.

Crashbangwhatausername · 09/01/2018 00:19

I don't think it's the place of the OW to do it, if he wanted to leave his wife he probably would have done it. Do you really want to be with someone deceitful and untrustworthy long term? I agree you may need to think of your own mental state if you think this is all you are worth, putting aside what you are choosing to be a part of, perhaps some time on your own before you try and find a more suitable man who respects you might be worth considering

Lleyr · 09/01/2018 00:23

I was actually relieved when I found out (on my own). He had said he wanted a divorce and it seemed totally out of the blue to me. I kept trying to work on the marriage and he was sleeping with me for months before I found out about the affair. He took no steps to divorce me and gave me just enough hope to work on the marriage. It was destroying me and I was considering divorce but couldn’t pull the trigger on it as we didn’t have “major” problems. He denied that there was anyone else involved.

Finding out about the affair made it all click together for me. I called the divorce lawyer, set up a meeting, and moved out within the week. It was all still horrible, but it gave me the confidence that divorce was the right move.

She’s quite welcome to him!

hungryhippo90 · 09/01/2018 00:25

To be completely honest, I would want to know, whichever way possible please, but (and I’m fairly sure DH isn’t cheating!) he would be at your door within the hour minus his bollocks, car or anything else.

Maybe that’s how I’ve a cast iron belief that DH wouldn’t be so stupid, having set up our business, moving to our home, buying our car whilst he was in bankruptcy means that everything is in my name. He would quite literally leave with nothing if he were to do me like that. He may in the long run have got his half, but believe me, for months and months he would virtually be reliant on you.

I understand that our circumstances aren’t the same as most... but maybe things are this way because DH has been a philanderer in the past.

Don’t think you’ll get that man and it’ll all be rosy. You could have DH if you really wanted him, but I wouldn’t make it easy for you to take anything else.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/01/2018 00:27

Why do you think she deserves to know? Why would you do that to him? You clearly don’t love him, so why are you with him?

gillybeanz · 09/01/2018 00:32

I think you deserve better than his wife's scraps.
Your dd deserves some good role models in her life.
I agree with pp's about counselling maybe?

Original poster

niteandfog · 09/01/2018 00:35

I go to counselling! In fact tomorrow is counselling day, but we mostly talked about my guilt, and I don't feel as much anymore, so we've moved on from that.

And no, I would tell her if he doesn't keep his word, and I wouldn't take him back. Life is too precious to be waiting around (he knows this too). He also knows , that i'm able to pack my bags and go wherever I want, I have no roots here.

I sometimes see him as an obstacle to my own happiness, but I haven't nuked the whole thing because I know I deserve to give it a chance (despicable behaviour aside).

I know if I had met him before I got married, I know he would have been the man I would have always wanted to date.

I know I sound simplistic and reductionist, but he's the man of my dreams of 10-12 years ago.

Our stories are fairly similar.... We were both very music centred until well for the most part we both had unplanned pregnancies (mine was a year into my relationship with my STBXH his was nine months into his relationship with her). We were both forced to grow up so to speak and ended up with people that otherwise we would not have ended up with.

So in many, many ways, we've become each others "what ifs" or our second chance to be with the type of person we always wanted to be .

All of last year (and before I met him) i wanted to get back in touch with the version of me that existed before my marriage and pregnancy, because I was happy then and not bitter like I am now. Then I meet him and he's everything I wanted back then and reminds me of everything I was back then, he makes me feel like I'm 23 again.

OP posts:

Bexter801 · 09/01/2018 00:38

If he wanted to be with you,why isn't he?

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:42

How long has this affair been going on op?.....

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:44

I am not familiar with your previous posts... but I have read this one

Original poster

niteandfog · 09/01/2018 00:44

Bexter801 because he wants actual blended family life. He wants his kids to accept me, I want my DD to accept him. So we want the least drama possible. Doing it slowly is what we think will take us there. So we don't plan to go public for at least 6 months (probably longer), and we won't move in together for another year.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 09/01/2018 00:44

This makes no sense.

Tell her or don’t tell her, but don’t pretend you’re doing it for her sake. Whatever you do it’ll be for your own interests.

Bexter801 · 09/01/2018 00:47

And when does his wife get to know about this plan?!

BrokenBattleDroid · 09/01/2018 00:47

Wow op, based on you last update it sounds like you're hanging onto the idea of him/what he represents in a way that the man himself could never actually live up to.

I think disappointment and misery will be the only thing to come out of your relationship with him.

Cavender · 09/01/2018 00:49

Her sister “sneers” at you?

How on earth do you think everyone else will treat you once they know?

I can’t answer tell/don’t tell but from your posts your reason for telling seems to be either to push or punish him. Possibly both.

How romantic.

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 00:52

What is his reason to do it in 6 months but not now? I understand taking it slowly etc but that will only the same situation in 6 months.......

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 01:01

I think your instinct of feeling his wife deserves to know, is not selfish. As a woman, I totally would want to find out. I am not sure about these timelines ....it sounds as though you have been waiting long enough.

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