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Original poster

If your DH/DP had an affair would you like to know?

245 replies

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:06

Just as simple as that. (full disclosure, I'm the OW by the way and have all the evidence). I don't think I'll ever tell her, but sometimes I feel she deserves to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 01:05

It's been 11 weeks since we initiated contact... 10 weeks since we kissed , 8 since he told me he loved me for the first time, 7 weeks we had sex for the first time (we've only been able to have it 3), 5 weeks ago he tried to leave her for the first time but tons of drama followed, and that's when he asked for 1-2 months max.

OP posts:
Crashbangwhatausername · 09/01/2018 01:09

Is he the reason you are getting divorced?

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 01:11

I see. I hope you are ok and make the correct choices for you. Maybe try no contact with him while he is still living there?

Bouledeneige · 09/01/2018 01:13

I'm not entirely sure of the wisdom of moving straight from one failed relationship into another - how are your poor children supposed to manage such a sudden shift - losing their father and having another man thrust into their lives? And his children for that matter deprived of living with their Dad. Why would he want to live with you and your kids when he cant live with his? And beyond that, why not take time to stand on your own two feet and find a way to make yourself independent and happy - free of any man. Wouldn't that better address your bitterness? Doesnt any chance of future healthy and happy relationships depend on you investing in your own wellbeing and ability to stand alone?

So think hard about what you think you want - just shuck off one man and take up with the next. Really? Is that what you'd admire in others? Where's the dignity and self respect in that?

And ultimately where is the values and self respect in wanting to break up another family and cause all that hurt and grief to an innocent woman and children. If I was the wife I'd want to know, sure, but I'd also want to punch you in the face. For having so little respect and decency towards me and my family. Being an OW is a thoroughly a shabby place to be and you will be despised and hated when it comes out. And it probably will.

I hope you never experience the utter pain and despair of what it feels like to find out the betrayal that has been visited upon you by a weak and dishonest man and a woman with no respect for other women.

Sorry, but you did ask.

maybetomorrow4 · 09/01/2018 01:20

Make your child or children your priority.

Bexter801 · 09/01/2018 01:28

I'm not going to comment anymore,because truthfully I think you've already made your mind up,and want his wife to know for your own piece of mind(but guess what,no way is he going to tell her!),but please you do feel free to tell her,and see what happens

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 01:49

I mean my DD is not losing her dad, our custody arrangement is 50/50 so in a way she's losing her dad as much as she's losing her mum so to speak. As far as I know, he's looking for a fairly similar arrangement on his end, so in the far future (say 18 months from now or so), we'd have days when it's just the two of us, days with the three children, days with just his and days just with my DD.

He's most definitely not the reason why i'm divorcing... trigger maybe, reason hell no!

I would go solo, I definitely would but as much as I believe love conquers all, I know that if this doesn't work out (statistically speaking chances are super slim!) I can always start anew and alone again, so I might as well give this a chance, give it the best foundations that we think we can give it (that's why he's taking it slowly!) and take it from there.

and I know I would only tell her if I'm "heartbroken" so maybe not the best of reasons after all.

OP posts:
AlaskaSometimes · 09/01/2018 03:07

I would want to know regardless.

This relationship with a shitty cheater who is too selfish to just leave her before hooking up with you is doomed to fail.

You sound like a bit of a dick too tbh.

Ullupullu · 09/01/2018 06:10

You can still count your relationships in weeks and you've made all these "plans"? He is future faking you. You can't possibly trust and know him enough in that time.

ValueAddedTits · 09/01/2018 06:17

It always amazes me how people claiming to be right and proper are so absolutely vile when they see other's breaking their rules. Really, not everyone is perfect. As many of you are so aptly demonstrating.

differentnameforthis · 09/01/2018 06:23

Yes I would, because it is my choice as to whether I stay with a cheater or not, no one else's.

Add to that, if my relationship with him was still sexually active, it's only fair that I know in order to make sure I haven't been given anything.

I'd probably hate you, but not as much as I'd hate him.

CaledonianQueen · 09/01/2018 06:36

I am shocked at how dissociated you are from the heartbreak and distress you are jointly causing an innocent woman and her children. You seem to have zero shame, zero guilt, you must be an incredibly selfish individual to not feel either of those emotions!

You had the opportunity to draw a line under this affair, you were told how irresponsible and selfish continuing this affair would be. Yet you ignored that advice and obviously moved from emotion affair to full-blown sexual affair. My DB is a cheater like your newly found soulmate, he tells every ow that they are special, that they are different and he has never felt that way before. I have watched three lovely girls give up years of their childbearing years to my waste of space brother. Each one was 'his soulmate' and the new one abandoned her brand new husband just months post-wedding as she met and fell for my DB (he is the musical type too)!

You are falling in love with this man now, what happens when a few years down the line he tires of your mental health issues and uses this as an excuse to find another soulmate? You will then feel the heartbreak that you are putting his wife and dc through now!

Did someone mention that your affair partner's wife is sick? In what way is she sick? If she is going through cancer/ has a chronic illness or is somehow disabled and reliant on her dh for care/ financial and other support, you are both honestly lower than pond scum. I really hope that the person who said that is wrong as that would honestly be the most despicable thing to do.

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 09/01/2018 06:41

You sound really young, immature and naive. I don't understand why you want to tell her or even worse drag a friend in to situation to tell her.

You've been with him no time at all. If he's going to leave his wife then let him deal with it, let him tell her he's going and maybe he will spare her the heartache of saying I'm fucking someone else.

But, don't be surprised if he doesn't leave her. You only have his version of their marriage and what he's telling you is so cliche, it's the same old same old 'I'm tying but there's so much drama I can't leave atm' story.

If you're unhappy in your marriage then end it and make plans of your own but don't build those plans around him.

I currently have two friends whose DH's left them for other women, one after 15 years of marriage and for OW, their relationship has lasted 18 months now he wants to 'come home' and the other after 5 years of marriage also for OW and after just a few months he's begging to 'come home'.

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 07:00

I think as soon as he realises I have MH issues he's out of the door. Although he's been there for me (within his possibilities) with two crisis that I've had lately.

The wife seems to be ok now, I think she was in hospital for some sort of diagnostic

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/01/2018 07:24

You sound like a damaged young lady. He will not leave his wife. You are simply a hole to him

I think that's just a story scorned wives tell each other TBH.

It's morally offensive that "real" relationships start in adultery, but the reality is that they (sometimes) do. You don't know how the man in question views OP or the affair.

If you've got to the point where you're calling a woman (albeit an OW) you've never met, "a hole" on the internet, it's probably time to work out how to avoid bitterness.

You can only be the victim of a cheating scumbag if you let yourself be.

falange · 09/01/2018 07:29

He sounds horrible and so do you. You only want to tell his wife to kick start his leaving, don't pretend you're doing her a favour.

Battleax · 09/01/2018 07:29

The wife seems to be ok now, I think she was in hospital for some sort of diagnostic

Oh it's you.

How can you bear this?

What dignity is there in hanging about as the secret mistress while the wife is ill? Don't you value yourself at all?

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 07:42

Yes, I know it's not very dignified.... That's probably the lowest point of our "relationship". Why am I still around? Because this has been short-lived and these things take time.

OP posts:
Battleax · 09/01/2018 07:44

Well, at risk of stating the obvious, the most dignified approach possible in the circumstances would be; "I'm attracted to you but you're married so I can't see you again. If you find yourself single, you have my number." Nothing but upsides to that approach.

pullingmyhairout1 · 09/01/2018 07:54

Well. Personally I wouldn't tell her, and I'd walk away from the man. His actions will truly tell you what his intentions are.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 07:57

And you really think this situation is good for your mental health issues?

chatty1234 · 09/01/2018 07:58

Taking it slowly yet he told you he loved you after 3 weeks??

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 08:05

Well so far it has helped me cope with all the other nonsense in my life. We have our little routines that we do every day, and actually that has helped me quite a bit.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 09/01/2018 08:06

OP - the thing thats strange to me is that you dont seem to have any empathy or awareness of the impact on other people and their feelings - his wife and children. Has your unhappy marriage and MH issues made you so unaware of your impact on others?

I had a relationship with a man with anxiety and other MH issues and there wasn't much space for anything but his own cyclone of needs and issues. Despite his grandiose declarations of love it didnt manifest itself in any real care or empathy for other people (other than grandstanding) and led to us breaking up.

I'd focus on getting yourself into a more balanced place where you can understand your own feelings and that of others. Are you really treating his wife in a way you'd like to be treated yourself?

Original poster
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 08:12

As long as nobody knows the truth, what harm can it come from it? Sure, the wife will put two and two together, but the kids? Don't think so. And yes I should get better first, but unfortunately that probably means giving up the custody of my DD, he's a bit of a ray of sunshine in how stuck my life really is.

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