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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

999 replies

SweetBerries · 08/01/2018 22:03

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

OP posts:
OldBook · 10/01/2018 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 08:34

Checking in for Day 9.

Basseting he sounds cruel, really cruel. NC is the only way with someone like him.

Oldbook what did you say? How do you feel?

Good luck today App

Belonger · 10/01/2018 08:40

Ooh oldbook I hope it goes well for you. And at the very least it will give you a sense of whether you're ready to be back in touch with him, depending on how you feel waiting to hear from him etc. It was certainly a good insight for me, realising how rubbish I felt as soon as we were back in touch.

Those runaway typing fingers!

user1493423934 · 10/01/2018 08:53

Welcome Poppy Good luck with your NC.
Oldbook Hope you're alright? post here if you need to vent. And don't stress - you're only human. we've all done it!
Had a bit of a cr@ppy day myself. Still NC but depressed. Meh. Hopefully tomorrow is better!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 08:55

Lol at the runaway fingers Oldbook. I'd let him do the follow up re: time/date/location. He suggested the meet up so let him take the lead

Belonger · 10/01/2018 09:22

Good point nk. Don't chase him oldbook, just wait. Sit on your hands if you have to.

OldBook · 10/01/2018 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JesusChristFenton · 10/01/2018 09:47

Well my walk turned into a near 20km. And I forgot that ‘coastal walk’ here means ‘near vertical rock climb’. My legs are in bits!
He was on my mind the whole time though. And then I thought I seen him on the wayback. Not sure if I was imaging it or if it was really him.

Oh no oldbook how do you feel now?

I’m so sorry basseting. How cruel of him. You are so much better without him in your life Flowers

Basseting · 10/01/2018 09:52

Hello again. Just caught a couple of hours sleep.
Yes he IS cruel. Deliberately. Firstly to push boundaries.
Now to send me away. I realise I tend to 'go back for more in all 'cruel' situations'. I recently tried to buy a bracelet via Gumtree. I made a silly mistake (I sent the money to the wrong one of two addresses provided) but it was minor, and rescuable. The seller was really horrible, called me 'stupid' and said she would not sell to an 'idiot' like me . Now I really wanted that bracelet so I apologised 4 times and grovelled. Most people would have called her on her manners at least. So I know my boundaries, once someone has gone wonky, are nto right (childhood stuff).
But with HIM it is with absolute bells on. I could type pages of stuff that would make you cringe at best and want to bop him on the nose on my behalf (I wont dont worry!!!). But, he has been really VILE.
And I have let him. THAt is the issue

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/01/2018 09:55

Oldbook Just think of how disempowering it will be if you chase him. You want to change the dynamics of your relationship so it starts here and now. That should be enough to prevent messaging.

User so Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Huge virtual hug

Belonger · 10/01/2018 10:45

How can we help you work through the issue of your boundaries basseting? Sounds like it's wider than just this horrible guy. Have you ever had any therapy or assertiveness training to help you get rid of old beliefs that you can say Enough? Setting limits on how people treat you etc.

appella · 10/01/2018 11:17

He's just messaged to say he's too ill and has too much work on.

gettingthereshopefully · 10/01/2018 12:10

So, appella, for various reasons he doesn't want to meet up. I wouldn't read it as lack of feelings for you (I've been in a similar situation before) but rather that he's not clear in his own mind.

How are you feeling?

gettingthereshopefully · 10/01/2018 12:14

OldBook Smile

Now, had that been a conversation with my man, he would suggest seeing me and then...days would pass and I'd be left wondering if I would see him or not. Mostly I wouldn't chase up but then I got to see how he was: weird, on the spectrum, focussing on his work 80% of the time and on the rare times I'd chase up he'd be there like a shot. But I couldn't bare the uncertainty of something which could be so simple: 'where and where?'

So, OldBook, would you say your NC has made him keener? Are we supposed to believe that they are waiting for us to make the first move? It's all so confusing! Hmm

Belonger · 10/01/2018 12:14

appella I'm so sorry, he's being really cowardly and showing you no respect. How are you?

CariadAur · 10/01/2018 12:30

Oh bassetting I understand that so well... The course work material in working through that my NC wrote keeps making me laugh at the hypocrisy of some of what he's written.

Can I ask you all, do you all get teary? I was thinking of proposing as well as an NC count we also have a No Tears count... It's just that I noticed today that I managed to not cry at all yesterday, and although it's only one day, I'm feeling pretty proud of it.

Original poster
SweetBerries · 10/01/2018 12:34

@appella - I’m going to take a different stance to some others with this - if he was genuinely ill, he couldn’t work. If he’s well enough to work, he could hold a conversation. Even if over the phone. It’s all cowardly excuses and he will perpetuate this if you let him. I know this sounds harsh but even if he had just CALLED you he could have put you out of your misery by now. He hasn’t. Which shows both a lack of consideration for you and maturity. I may not be feeling particularly charitable towards men in general after being treated badly, but I don’t feel I am being overly harsh here.

Plus the fact he’s messaging you on the day itself as opposed to maybe giving you a heads up that he wasn’t feeling too great yesterday? Classic move. I think you saw this coming in a way and that’s a good thing because it cements the point.

You will do SO much better than this.

OP posts:
Belonger · 10/01/2018 12:37

I'm with sweetberrie on this one. Do you feel able to end it appella?

Belonger · 10/01/2018 12:49

cariad I'm not very teary about this, but generally I think tears are better let out rather than kept in, so I'd be a bit reluctant to be aiming not to cry. But if it's something you want to work to, then go for it. Does it feel like a good sign of progress to be crying less? Just don't be beating yourself up if you need a good sob now and then

appella · 10/01/2018 12:50

He suggested tomorrow or Saturday - I said I wasn't willing to wait any longer. He's going to call me later - though I'm dubious as to whether or not o believe that. It's definitely over. This I just cannot deal with.

Zoo33 · 10/01/2018 13:30

Hi ladies, can I join please. I'm a bit confused as to whether or not I "qualify" for this thread but I need to be kept sane. I won't be offended if you tell me to jog on.

Potted history is that I broke off a 4 year relationship last month after realising he was controlling and possibly also emotionally abusive. We were about to get engaged (he asked but I didn't believe him and he says he was planning to to ask again just before Christmas), we were in the process of buying a house and had just lost a baby. I've made the right decision to leave him (I was suicidal last year after a serious of probably completely stupid arguments and can't go through that again) but still love him so it really hurts and I'm very confused.

I've blocked him on everything except emails. As of this morning I was 4 days NC. He's just emailed me and I'm finding it really hard not to email back. Sorry for the ramble. My friends and family have all been really supportive but I don't think they understand how hard the NC is, even though it's self-imposed. I seem to spend my life crying in the toilets at work.

Teensandfuture · 10/01/2018 14:12

Bassetting all these wight digs make my blood boil.
I don't understand where these bullies come from??
I'm not joking, I have never been size 8,size10-12 very long time ago,size 18 few years ago and size 14 now and I never had any significant man in my life to tell me I need to loose weight. I have never been told I'm not good enough appearance wise ( I don't consider myself beautiful ,just fairly attractive), I have never been told IM STILL fuckable .I'm SEXY,full stop. Maybe because I feel that way?
Please Bassetting,please see him for what he really is -a nasty misogynistic bastard that doesn't deserve any woman in his life,let alone YOU.
You are the best,you are the first priority ! Believe in it Flowers

CariadAur · 10/01/2018 14:50

Belonger it wasn't so much that I held in tears that I needed, it was that I didn't need them. I was so pleased with myself x

Zoo you sounds like you'll fit in perfectly to me, welcome!

If I don't count the Facebook status that only he could see (I didn't message him direct) then I'm in day 35... And I didn't instigate that contact, he did... I'm a stubborn cow by the looks of things!

Belonger · 10/01/2018 14:57

Good for you appella, you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of treatment

Belonger · 10/01/2018 16:08

That sounds brilliant cariad, day 35 is fab! and great about not needing to cry, sounds like healing is happening.