NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

Good luck to everyone battling NC today. I can attest that by Day and 19 it's more a dull ache than a sharp pain. Am hoping that ache will eventually fade to indifference.

And you on Day 4 Human. The early days are definitely harder. Isn't there something about how it takes 21 days to break a habit?

How are you feeling today?

Ginger - I'm on NC number 3. In the early days of NC1 I really craved being on my own and wanting to grieve. I found it hard with the kids there. It will and does get easier. Big hugs

@NK I'm okay, thanks for asking. Yesterday was tough because I was tired. And I ate ALL the food yesterday which didn't help either. I'm planning to read through my diary entries from last NC stint later on. Feel like it might help!

Going to the gym also today.

Hope you all have a nice Saturday.

God am dreading today. 'Treated' myself to a bottle of fizz last night and wish I hadn't! I can see how alcohol can be a depressant. Not really seen it before but feel really down about everything.

Got good friends coming over for dinner later though so I'll have some much needed adult company that isn't HIM!

Good luck Ginger. Hope it goes okay.

Human I can't seem to stop eating rubbish! I think I go into hibernation mode every winter though.

Thanks Oldbook. Are you feeling the urge to message your guy now you've seen him

Morning all. I’ve reached Day 30 Nov! That was always my goal. And I’m there.
How does it feel? Most of the urge has gone to message. But it still comes back at times. My need to keep my dignity and pride has been a huge motivating factor. Reading your experiences on here has helped me not contact. I know how easy it is to be drawn back in. And when you know someone well, they will never change the dynamic. It’s too engrained and is their normal.
I do still sm stalk, which is getting a little better. I feel it’s my connection to him and I can’t quite let go of that yet. I know it’s right that we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives and that is still my goal. But part of me craves that feeling I got from him.
I went out last night. Had a fantastic time, laughed lots, drank wine and woke this morning feeling v happy. Almost like the feelings I got from being with him. So for me now it is about trying to get those happy feelings away from him, so that need for him is replaced.

oldbook I'm glad you had a nice time and that you seem stronger and able to keep it within it's boundaries. I hope you manage to maintain it, the signs are good! :)

rhubarb well done 30 days. I wish I'd got there. After today I will start at 1 again and will succeed. You sound like it was a walk well worth walking.

ginger good luck for today. I will be thinking of you. I feel quite anxious too!

Rhubarb sincerely well done. You sound way happier in yourself.

My goal is 20 (tomorrow) and then 30. And like you, I don't want to press the reset button.

I love the idea of finding your happiness with him in other things. That seems nearly impossible for me at present as I always felt like I could conquer the world when he was beside me. I don't think he ever said anything nasty to me in the 1.5yrs we went out or since then. We did disagree but in a more respectful way. Id be over the moon if I thought I could get that feeling with someone else.

Itsa good luck. You sound strong and determined. You go and you own them feelings.

nk I think it is about replacing the feelings they gave you with something else. I think our situation is very similar and how we feel and have responded to the nc guy.
I’m try to peel myself away from him. It’s painful. But there are moments like last night and today where I feel really happy. And it’s not because of him. That makes the happiness even better. It’s not just him who can make me happy and feel good. I think I’d forgotten that.
My counsellor said all my energy is flowing to the nc and it needs to go elsewhere. Sounds psychobabble but it’s true. And it is exhausting. Our focus and energy needs to be elsewhere. Easy to say I know...

Rhubarb that does make sense and now you say it when I was out with friends the other day I had a truly good day out and didn't go near SM for hours. But part of the reason I enjoyed the day was because I was validated and complimented by some of the men there. What does that say about me?? That I need validation from males to feel good. To be fair I'd have enjoyed the day anyway but the validation did stroke my ego.

Nothing wrong with wanting some validation from men nk. Totally normal. As long as it’s not the only way to feel good.

I think we all need to enjoy those times when we feel good during nc particularly when it’s not linked to the nc guy. Hopefully they become more regular.
Nc is the very first step to moving on. Prob the most painful too.

It certainly is painful. I can definitely get joy from other things in life: my kids, spending time with family, girlie days out, holidays etc

oldBook
that sounds so positive - close platonic friendship is what I'd like too.

ginger good luck

itsa good luck

sorry for superfast post. dont get a
ANY time at weekends. Like some others i am drowning in (lovely but can be overwhelming) children and their needs.

sorry for all i have left out / got wrong.

I've not replied (yet) to Wine Friend. I am going to use it as 'boundary practice'

Maybe whenever we feel good during nc, we should write it down. How we feel, what is it that made us feel good...compliment, making someone laugh, a man enjoying our company. Looking our best. Seeing friends who value us. I think we may be surprised how many things make us feel good. We just don’t see it or stop it happening as we’re so absorbed in nc man.

And I know it will be difficult to hear. It is for me too. But I really don’t think you can have a genuine platonic friendship that is truely rewarding with a man that has caused us upset and pain (for whatever reason).

NK and Rhubarb Yy about NCs being a complete energy drain

I could have learned a language / written a book / learned an instrument
over the last year with the tiime and energy I've spent

Oddly that is the only thng I understand about him detacing from me
he is really bad at managing his time / energy - he couldnt cope with wanting to text me 20 times a day (1st 6 months...) so he 'switched it off'. THAT I get, I just wish he'd said. AND i wish I could 'switch off' like that too. I really dont want to be a cold hard person but at times it would be chuffing useful!

Rhubarb you are soooo right! I'm only on day seven, but I've made a real effort to find that same feeling of happiness and security by myself and in other things/friends and when I have it feels doubly good because I'm doing it without him!

Rhubarb I agree with you about the platonic friendship. For me anyway it will never be possible.

Best case scenario for me is that I meet him every few years at a family function and I am indifferent and relieved I've dodged a bullet. Worst case is I leave every family function bristling from the connection and feeling crap about life again.

I've identified what I do want from my next relationship. I want an easy going man who is really funny and kind. Or is that what every one wants. Lol

Morning all! Thanks for the good luck wishes. If I needed any additional annoying I've just had two more county court threats for him from when he lived here, for unpaid parking fines.

He has refused to update his address with the dvla and so I keep getting all his shitty mail.

If I needed any further reminders not to be sucked back into his nonsense, I just got it.

I've bagged up loads of his stuff and will be handing it over today!

And yes to writing down moments when you find happiness without the NC in the frame - brilliant idea x

Ammo not annoying lol

I feel nervous as hell. Any tips on how to be bright and breezy?!!!!