NC Dignity Club Part 3 - Stronger Every Day

[SweetBerries]

Here we go ladies. The place we come to do the 4 c’s - confess, console, comfort and consolidate. Every one of us is on a journey here but at the end of it, we become stronger better individuals who can be better prepared for future relationships - friends and romantically.

I’m so proud of you all xx

oldbook Don't contact him! Seriously.

For the sake of not going to the thing, whatever it is, hang on to your dignity and don't chase him. You would be chasing him if you contact him again.

Read back through your posts, and your list of crap stuff he's done, and your own excellent rules for NC

Here's oldbook's fabulous checklist, which she needs reminding of!!

'1. Will you check obsessively to see if they have replied?

1. Will no response make you either feel bad about yourself, regret the message, or get upset?

1. Are you still hurting?

1. Are you clutching at straws?

If you answer YES to three of the above four, that means DON'T MESSAGE!'

NK
Well the last 'romantic' contact I had was on 6th/7th (dtd...)
HE sent b'day text and card for 12th
my reply (not till the 17th!!!!) was:
'thank you for b'day text - i had a nice time. pls advise re (tech query) and contact ds'
so I am not counting that as it was dignified and businesslike!
So does that make me Day 12? or Day 2? I dont know?
I think I am going to think of it as Day 7 (the mean ave was my b'day so that will be 'the last time I ever saw him' in my head - an easy date to remember)

checking in for Day 7!

basseting I hope this doesn't sound harsh but do you really want your ds to have contact with someone who treats women so badly? He sounds like a really bad role model

Belonger that checklist of OldBook's is essential to remember.

OldBook read it again and try not to message him.

Why is it we are so good at supporting each other and putting up great checklists but not so good at protecting ourselves?

I was reading something last night about Narcissists and Empaths and I thought: 'yep, tick, tick, tick'...

Oldbook always here to give a reality check as I know you would with me!

I agree with Belonger I wouldn't my DC having any contact with that man. Basseting why do you feel you have to go to him for business advice or for him to tutor your DC. This sounds very needy and puts him in control again. I know you said he is older than you. Is there some paternal dynamic going on there, like you looking for his approval? Hope this isn't upsetting I'm just trying to get you to tease out your relationship with him

Belonger Yes!
When I first recontacted him it was purely to get advice re ds and the particular area of interest. I did not realise how badly he behaves towards women for some time (it was all highly concealed then slowly revealed and I bet I still don't know all of it). By then he had met and spoken to ds a number of times, they'd bought some equipment and ds was really excited about the project they were to do.
Ds would have limited interaction (skype 'lessons' in the sitting room) so I am not so worried about that as it would be strictly focussed.

BUT I do think he will let ds down. Last time we met he said:
"US" is all too complicated (after we'd dtd...) so lets concentrate on ds' tutoring'. I said that is fine, and frankly the least you could do, but do not let ds down or I will be angry. I have put up with nonsense to do with me but if you upset my child I will come after you'. [hmmm]
I thought he'd taken that on board. Perhaps he has and thats why he's been NC? Or perhaps he is just a flakey tosser who never meant to help ds anyway?

oldbookyou ARE very wise! But there's a blind spot around this particular guy for you. I wonder if you can ever really be friends with him in a non distressing way, because what you really want is for him to want you romantically - but he doesn't so you're settling for friends. It will always be on his terms. He will always - whether knowingly or unknowingly - be setting the agenda of what sort of relationship you are 'allowed' to have with him, and I don't think that is the basis for friendship.

Just one perspective, I'm in a right opinionated mood today!

NK Yes.
Very much a Pygmalion dynamic.
Opposite ends of the social spectrum and educational opportunities.
1st time: I was young, keen to learn and adoring. He told me I 'had potential'. I wanted him to take care of me/guide me re: the world.
He idealised, devalued (and then some). I left him to go to Uni.
Intervening years: I've had a tough time for various reasons.
Have a superbright kid getting nowhere in mainstream state school.
Remembered this guy is a genius in his field (so he says..)
Contacted, he was super sympathetic, wanted to help etc.
2nd time: he did the idealise, devalue bit but this time he dumped me.
Now I feel I have messed up ds' chances of getting some excellent free tutoring which he so badly needs.
What an idiot I am.

bassetingI think your hunch that this guy will let your son down is probably right. He may have enjoyed you needing his help and also been keen to get you into bed. You are a resourceful woman and will find other more reliable sources of help for your child. This man is toxic!

You're not an idiot Basseting. We're all here because we've fallen for unsuitable men and we are all bright, intelligent and witty women. I would just remove all control he has re: your DS and your business. You don't need him in your life.

What sort of affirmation oldbook?

Maybe you could write down, for your eyes only, exactly what he would have to say or do for you to feel completely satisfied and content. Then see how you feel about what you've written, how likely it is etc. Just an idea, for exploring the dynamic you're in.

I really must stop dishing out opinions and a) get some work done, and b) take my own advice!!

OldBook

could he still make you feel completely satisfied and content?
Could you still trust him, do you think?

Checking in for day 8.

I’m going to do a post and run as I’m on my lunch break and need to catch up with everyone - I’ll be back later 😊.

I need to get this off my chest because
Today, I’ve woken up with a burning need to rage at him. To scream my questions.

Why didn’t you respect me? Why didn’t you love me? Why didn’t you keep your promises? Why did you take advantage of my kindness and generosity? Why why why why why. ARFHFGFGHG seeing him daily in work makes this so hard as I have to hear him being lovely and nice and all these great things that I thought he was. Maybe it is just me.

Icecream it's not just you I was ranting away a few weeks ago. All I can day is just let yourself feel what you need to feel. It does get better I promise.

I'm at the acceptance phase now. I'm still sad and angry at times but not as badly as I was before

I'm having a low contact day today, after lots of online chat for a couple of days. Became aware yesterday, with sadness but not surprise, that now that the message is getting through to him that I'm not going to sleep with him any more, that actually we don't have a huge amount to say to each other. We can chat for hours if there's a tantalising rendezvous on the horizon, but once we both accept there isn't going to be anything except friendly chat, we're not really that interested in each other! Feels all a bit sad and embarrassing - and familiar from when it happened a few years ago

The other embarrassing admission is that I know that I could probably get 'chatty him' back if I hinted that sex might be on the cards, and I've had moments of being tempted, just for the attention and fun if it (I'm so shallow). But it isn't fair on either of us. I've made my decision and detached myself, and I need to let him do the same.

Belonger my lad always turns the conversation around to sex and flirtation and so many times I've wanted to really respond but I've held back mainly. It's tough to do.

Your boundaries sound really clear. Fair play to you.

I'm finding today okay. Still thinking about him a lot of the time. Not sure he is thinking about me at all as he's not made any attempt to contact. Which is probably good in the long run but it stings.

Well done you nk I think your boundaries have been a lot clearer than mine! But I'm getting there now I hope.

Perhaps your guy does think about you but knows that you have good boundaries and values and has got the message he can't have what he wants.

Belonger you definitely are getting there. Has your guy realised there's been a shift in the dynamic do you think?

I hope he is going through the same turmoil as me. He did say a few months ago when he was drunk that he couldn't stop thinking about me. But never said it again. I hate the whole unknown

@Basseting Sorry that your old friend hurt your feelings. For what it’s worth, it does sound like he was hoping for more from you, and was doing some pathetic back-pedalling because his wife bollocked him. Definitely not your problem, though I can see why it would be more convenient and comfortable for him to blame you!
And your ex sounds like a negging cock.

@gettingtherehopefully I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been though so much. Glad Work is going well - my work is one of the many areas of my life that have been suffering since I broke NC and I’m looking forward to engaging again

@belonger making plans for the future is the thing keeping me going at the moment! Improving my physical fitness / Health and meditation will be my main priorities for the next few months, I think. And cooking healthy meals too.

@gingergenius Really hope your work related meeting goes okay!

for all of us struggling today. And for all of us staying strong 💪🏼

Hi, everyone
Feeling particularly shitty today.
Didn't update much recently but done some stupid thing and whatever happened later on mostly my fault ,I should have known better.
Anyone remember my 1 year NC guy and how he said about 2 weeks ago he didn't want a relationship ,he's happy single and then blocked me?
Well I went to his house last Saturday.Not even sure why,it wasn't premeditated .I went to an event with friends last Saturday afternoon,had a small drink and later on impromptu decided to go go to his.It really did bug me he blocked me, thought if I see him maybe we can discuss what the issue is.Went without any expectation ,not even that he'll be at home.
Anyway I went ,knocked on the door ,lights were off but his car outside. I sent him a text saying I was in the area (made up a legitimately sounding excuse) and outside his,came for 5 min to say hi.
Tried to call,went to voicemail-I'm blocked. Had a cig ,knocked again.
In about 5 min he and his daughter appeared round the corner,they were at the local pub .Not sure was it just coincidence they were going home or he got my text and hurried up.
Funny they both were wearing my birthday presents to both of them ,from a year ago.
Anyway he seemed happy,invited me in.We all were in the kitchen,chatting about different things,daughter was having food then he hurried her up to bed.
So we had a chat ,I asked whats up why he blocked me he said I'm being honest,its the way you text. You send text after text and I have a lot on my mind at the moment -he was going on about his work redundancy and going selfimployed.
I said I don't mean to hussle him and I apologise if it made him feel stressed.
I also said that he seems lovely when chatting now,but anything slightly off on my end-and he blocked me? He said he knows he's at fault ,hes at fault too.
The conversation was going more friendlier,we had a good laugh,he remembering things from a year ago and things I thought he forgot.
We had a cuddle and we kissed.
And again.And again.
He was telling me to promise to calm down on texting while cuddling me,I was nodding in response.He told me the same thing few times again until I said out loud yes,I promise. He said lets just take it slow,really slow. I said OK .
It all seemed so positive, lots of smiles,lots of compliments to me-how I look,what I wear .
Anyway I said Ill be going home soon,he was meant to have an early night ,take DD swimming in the morning and travel over 200m for work and stay all next week there,to be back home Friday.
So I said I'm going home,he kissed me again,said he'll be back on Friday and he'll unblock me.I said OK.
I went home.
Wasn't expecting to hear from him that day but maybe later in the week.
On Sunday I texted him,saying it was good to see him and he's being lovely, hope he has a good week away at work. No reply.
On Wednesday I texted again but just generic" hope everything is ok" and tried to call but went to voicemail.He hasn't unblock me at all...
It slowly daunted on me he wasn't interested at all , he didn't mean he wanted to try again.
Anyway he said nothing so far so I thought Ill wait until Friday and try last time ,if not Ill just leave him to it.
So this morning I sent a text saying,is he back Friday as he said before,does he want to meet up and go for a meal or few drinks ,and I even offered to pay if money is tight with January and all..
No reply. was getting more and more annoyed with myself and pissed of ,why am I texting him and chasing him when hes clearly not interested.So to avoid texting again I deleted his contact number . He blocked me on WhatsApp too,I didn't but if I deleted him it would appear to him as if I blocked him-he wouldn't be able to see my pic.
Anyway literally an hr later I had a message from him on WhatsApp,and he blocked me again.So he unblocked and blocked again just to send a message.
Message was saying same thing as 2 weeks ago :he thought about it,he doesn't want a relationship and hes really happy single as he is.Hes happy to be friends but asks me not to come to his house.He said hes sure Ill find Mr Right and he hopes that I will do.
I feel destroyed, so stupid because I'm going through same thing with him second year in row, second time in the space of 2 weeks,when I actually didn't say I want a relationship at all.
Hes the one kissing me,then saying lets try (however slow) but he's the one saying it.I didn't come to ask him back,I came to sort out whatever bad feeling is there so we can be on speaking terms again . I feel he's leading me on but for what? Does he enjoy the power he has over me? Why does he say things he doesn't mean just to bring me down again.
Anyway I replied via text how are we meant to be friends if he's blocking me and we cant communicate? Said he needs to make his mind up ,surely he knew last Saturday he didn't want relationship so why he suggested it? I said I'm blocking and deleting his contact,told him never to contact me again as I don't have time for this nonsense.

I just feel like complete shit. And an idiot.

Oh, Teens!!!
He sounds very mixed up at best.
So sorry but you are not an idiot, just trying to stagger through the mire like all of us. It is really hard so we are bound to slip up sometimes.xXx