Just discovered OH is with someone else

[Fosterdog123]

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

You sound like you are doing all the right things, just need to lay off the social media. Remind yourself it's not a true reflection of someone's life.

Your life is better anyway, you are loyal, kind and amazingly together.

Little steps every day, you will get through it

xCaro that has to be a very poor joke?!

@xCaro don't be ridiculous. Infidelity is not acceptable or justified just because someone is wealthy and good looking.

If a 'poor, ugly' person was unfaithful, why would that be any less forgivable than a 'rich, handsome' one?

xCaro 🤦‍♀️ words fail me

I would be dying to comment on his photos.

"So after 12 years together, you fuck off with a woman half of your age and dont have the balls to tell me #midlifecrisis #sillyoldman"

Everyone should see for what he really is. This young woman might not know he was with someone. If i was her, I'd definitely want to know.

Don't let him get away with it

I wasn't saying it was justified, only that you should try and see things from his point of view.

Most people have a weakness. For some it is alcohol, for some it is gambling, for others it is greed for money, and for this man and many other men, it is women.

Often when people succumb to their weakness, it represents a cry for help rather than anything else. Maybe he was suffering inside too. I'm sure the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you. Talk to him, once you have calmed down. Anger and hatred is never the answer.

@xCaro

I hope when the dust settles you might be able to show some forgiveness. If a man is as successful and good looking as your OH, multiple temptations will always be there. Nobody is immune to it. If this is the first indiscretion in 12 years then think of the 12 years of loyalty rather than few months of infidelity......

Most people have a weakness. For some it is alcohol, for some it is gambling, for others it is greed for money, and for this man and many other men, it is women.

Actually, what you said has just helped me in my own situation.... 🤔

Thank you 😊

Xcaro - I get it, really I do. He's had women on a silver platter and temptation I see all around. I too once had men fall at my feet and it's very flattering. We are each different in the way we respond and you would clearly go about it a different way. He will never know I'm hurt and angry though because I'll never have another thing to do with him. It's not the fact that he's shagging another woman per se though - it's the sneaking around, the betrayal, the other SM account created to hide this other life. That is the unforgivable part.

As for 'not letting him get away with it', I won't sink to his level. A show down will achieve nothing. It will leave a bitter taste in my mouth. It won't change anything. I most certainly don't want to 'fight' for him. I would be appealing to a better nature that clearly doesn't exist. What works for me is a dignified silence.

Its not fighting for him, its letting people know what hes done.

I ghosted my ex when he done something similiar. Everyone, his family, friends, people didnt know my side and thought the sun shone out of his arse. I wish i let them know the truth.

xcaro

This man clearly hasn't succumbed to a weakness as a cry for help.

This man has wantonly dumped one gorgeous woman - for another.

With no explanation - no loyalty - no concern. Parading it proudly.

That's just selfish, cruel and pathetic.

Your stance - if I may - sounds somewhat naive. And trite - well to me anyway.

How can you 'be sure the last thing he wanted to do was hurt the OP?'

Nothing she has said has indicated he's been anything but gloating and utterly careless with her feelings.

I'm bemused.

He is a very troubled man. You'd never ever know it on the surface but dig down and he's carrying a very complex character. As I said, he's a functioning alcoholic and works to the extreme - day and night at times with no sleep. Just on and off planes constantly. Actually quite shy but on a world stage and he hides it well. I don't think he's set out to wantonly hurt me as such but he's certainly had no regard for me either.

Cherry - he's got to live with himself. That's a burden he can carry the rest of his life. That's enough for me. My feelings for him have evaporated. I don't want revenge, I don't want to show him up, I don't want any dialogue with him. I'm not embarrassed by what he's done - I've told all my friends - but I have no interest in entering a war of words with him.

Oh and I've taken a small step towards kicking my SM stalking! I've deleted the app, so it's not quite as accessible. Seeing the most recent photo (which wasn't even them together) sent me spiralling down and I don't want that to keep happening, so I think I'm done. Tomorrow is another day though and I might be back on at 6am!!

Exactly Thisisit777 I think the OP agrees with me more than you. And she should know, it's her OH we're talking about.

Look at it this way, if you'd been loyally having egg & chips for dinner at the same cafe every day for 12 years, and then one day a gourmet michelin-starred restaurant opens up next door, you can walk past once, twice, even for a couple of weeks. But one day, you will be tempted to walk in. And when you've sampled the culinary delights the world has to offer, there's no going back to egg & chips.

But OP, I think you are right. Maybe let him move on. Because one day a new loyal customer is going to come to your caff, a new man will walk into your life, and it will be someone more suited to being in a relationship with you.

Whatever you do, stay strong and maintain your dignity. We are all here to support you.

I would tell him nothing, telling him that you're hurt will just stroke his ego further. Ghost him, block him on SM, live through the hurt and eventually move on x

Exactly Stole!

Yes, we are OP - here to support you - take it a day at a time love,

I'm obviously being more like your friend who wanted to run him over

Xcaro... you shock me more than op's x, frankly.

Op, Strength and your way.

Christ on a bike xCaro, way to put the boot in!!!

How condescending towards the OP can you get? Ffs.

I think the OP agrees with me more than you WTF? We’re not in the playground now for gods sake!

And don’t worry OP, you are absolutely not coming across as ‘egg and chips’

@xCaro

You are a 'Wordsmith'!

I 'got' your post, although I was cringing about how it would be received!

It's a horrible visceral feeling being lied to and usurped. I totally fell apart and seriously considered ending it all at one point.

However one bit of me fully acknowledged that I had a part to play. I knew he didn't love me as much as I did him but I still clung on. I knew he liked me and we lived together happily for a few years but marriage or old age never came up.Had I been strong enough to let him go, I could have saved myself a shed load of heartache.

Caro you sound unkind and naive and a bit unhinged

Well done on the SM stuff op. That’s brilliant progress.

To be honest he doesn’t sound that complicated to me. At all.

I have genuinely just googled ‘wordsmith’, thinking it must mean something that I wasn’t aware of.

OP he sounds like a bellend & I admire your dignity. I hope the future is brighter.

& seriously xCaro, egg & fucking chips, wtaf!? Rude.