Just discovered OH is with someone else

[Fosterdog123]

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

I’ve no doubt he factored in keeping your friendship in his plans. He thought he could have his cake and eat it.

Thinking of you hope okay

I notice a distinct lack of seasoned posters on this thread.

I was thinking about this today but couldn’t find the thread... hope OP is doing ok

OP I just wanted to say that you've come across as a real class act. You have so much grace and dignity and I admire you very much. You are so much better than him he was never going to keep hold of you.

I'm doing pretty shit all in all. Feel very down. Have been driving myself mad with this imaginary conversation with him going round in a loop in my head. I'm mad at the world. I hate the fact that he's still massively attractive in his 40s and could have pretty much any woman he wants and I'm written off and have lost my sexual currency. I'm facing life as a single woman, which is a strange thought. I'm not a huge fan of men , now that I've discovered my inner feminist but at the same time, im struggling to adjust to it too. Last I heard from him was about 10 days ago, with a random text saying that he hadn't meant to lose me. Needless to say, I didn't respond. He'll give up soon. You can't keep shouting into an abyss forever.

There’s a lot more to anyone than ‘sexual currency’, it’s the most superficial aspect to any human being.

Who you are as a soul with life experience is much more important. There’s no reason you can’t go on to a fulfilling relationship based on true values.

Fosterdog I'm sorry you are feeling so low. It does get better, honestly. My divorce came through this week, and yes I had a sad day, but the good days now massively outweigh the bad. I'm not a massive fan of men now, and although some of my friends think this will be temporary, I'm far from convinced.
I know you've said that you don't fancy a holiday on your own, but I did find short spa breaks very helpful. Yes you'd be on your own, but being pampered and having things done for you can be very mood-lifting - it worked for me.
I hated the fact my ex was nightclubbing round Europe while I slogged away supporting our children, but his business really isn't doing well now at all. Karma never loses an address

He is already a deeply troubled man with many demons but he has money, looks, charm and a lovely young lover to keep him going, so he'll be ok I think!

I'm well aware that sexual currency is superficial and I don't feel good about grieving it's loss but the fact is that I am grieving its loss and I'd be lying if I said otherwise.

I can't think of anything I'd like to do less than go away by myself right now, even to a spa. I am deeply lonely and nothing is going to fix that. I'm a nice person and ok company and I have a few friends but I've lost that soul connection you have with your parents, your partner, your best mate and nothing can make that ok.

I am also a miserable moany old baggage too and I'm wincing at how self pitying I'm coming across on here. I'm need to give my head a wobble!

your acerbic self awareness is great! :D

He's not ok though is he? He just appears to be.

Your feelings towards yourself at the moment are I am sure entirely natural given the circumstances of his sneaking off with a younger model behind your back. You won't always feel like this - don't write yourself off just yet!

Love MotherofTerriors 'Karma never loses an address' I am going to hold that thought where my crap ex is concerned!

I think the pampery bit of her post is the focus rather than time away. I got my nails done for the first time in ages recently and it really helped me perk up! Get yourself some treats booked in- anything!

Hang in there. I still want to come round for a curry

Stop beating yourself up you were together for a long time.He still wont leave u alone.Take your rose tinted glasses off he is a liar and cheat.It is so so hard when u know each other so well sadly he wasn't your friend .Its such a shock for u still.I remember thinking it would be easier if my ex had died as he wouldn't have chosen to go.Instead shagging 22 year old happy as larry.People say it gets easier in some ways it does but when u have loved and given everything it is devastating. Take care have a drink or long bath.Im sure your beautiful inside and out but you have been given a shit sandwichxx

The rose tinted glasses are well and truly off. It's just a bit mind-bending to think of him as such a liar and cheat but that really is the way I think of him now. I don't yearn for him or think of him wistfully at all. It's just such a big adjustment to make and a lot to take in. I guess I was just a bit naive to think it would be all smooth sailing and a nice linear upward trajectory. It's just so dam weird to think of him off living his life and me doing the same and that they're totally separate. There was no big fall out, no getting bored of each other, no falling out of love. Just a devious lying cheat of a man who didn't give a fuck about my feelings. One of many.

I think you may be going through a very intense grief and having to come to terms with the fact you are "on your own". This is something I had to do and the pain was overwhelming- a realisation that you don't actually "really" matter to anyone, you aren't a priority to any other person.

I could be massively projecting, either way

Well, you may be projecting Random but you're spot on anyway.

Fucking hurts like hell doesn't it has taken me a good few years to start living again...

I'm estranged from my family, not that my welfare ever did matter to them so when my then 'H' sort of ditched me I went to hell and back. Still with each other, still love him very much but differently and I'll never be the same again.

Apparently it is the great existentialism question- we are all truly on our own when push comes to shove. I cried an awful lot for an awfully long time

Foster, do you think some counselling would help?

He sounds like he's regretting his absolute shallowness and he knows he's lost his partner. A true partner. GOOD!

You deserve better than someone who couldn't see past the superficial.

You're doing great OP.

We ARE on our own and it's a very sobering thought and makes me feel like I'm looking into an abyss.

I've tried counselling a few times for various things. Most recently my parents deaths. It's just not really for me. It doesn't change the situation and it's traumatic to rake over things quite frankly. I prefer to just squash it down, live with the waves that wash over me and carry on.

Periodic moaning on here is very cathartic too and the fact that people bother to reply, well, honestly, you'll all never really know just how grateful I am for that. You all have such thoughtful, insightful comments too. Thank you.

Kind of agree I just try not to think about!! I no longer have expectations of mattering to other people just have a sob sometimes that I've no extended family or friendship groups

I don't think you are doing great I think you are crushed completely. I Used to walk from room to room kept looking at phone desperate for it to be ok and not have happened the pain was so much I literally wanted to claw my skin off because of the pain.You are strong u will be ok everyone on here is saying that you have chosen a dignified approach which is brilliant but you are not a machine u loved him and probably still do he is not that man sadly.He would be back like a rat up a drainpipe if u gave him the green light.I did just led to more hurt.I get your loneliness its incredibly hard.At least you aren't an empty soul there is not really an upside.I hope you are seeing your friends xx

Would you ever consider a break from your current set up? Maybe not go as far as selling property but rent it out and start fresh somewhere? 13 years ago I did this - I was just so so sad after my ex ended things with me and at the time I had nothing tying me down so I did it and never looked back. It was exciting, new and took my mind away from everything.....it opened my eyes up to so many things and I became a stronger person for it. Is this a possibility for you. Is there somewhere you could go where you have a few friends but life is different (Australia, the States etc)?

Nothing will ever come close to the pain of loosing my parents. He is nit shit in comparison quite frankly. One thing is certain though - I will never have anything at all to do with him ever again. He is a pond dweller. It's baffling to me just how easily and extensively he lied to me. Mind bogglingly so. Awful AWFUL man.

Random - feeling like no one has your back is truly awful and puts a very different spin on life. I'm so, so sorry that's how things are for you. You, however, are not alone in feeling that way.

User - im happy with where I live at the mo and don't want to sell or rent. My plan is to sell eventually though and move to a place special to me, where I will live out my dotage!