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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
FluffyWhiteTowels · 08/01/2018 07:33

I'm sorry to hear this OP. But at least you've found out now that he isn't the reliable, grow old together or respectful person.

Looking at the photos is not healthy for you. It hurts like fcuk. Be kind to yourself

DarthNigel · 08/01/2018 07:48

Sorry op. It feels awful I'm sure. She might be good looking etc but that fades, when the novelty wears off....a pretty face doesn't necessarily equal intelligence or a nice personality.
And clearly your man there doesn't have a nice personality either or he would have done the decent thing and ended it with you first.
You will come back from this-it feels like you won't now, but give it a month or so, you will start to feel better. I'd give yourself another day to Facebook stalk or whatever then close the door on it. Tell yourself no more and mean it. Plan lots of short and medium term stuff to look forward to with your friends or just stuff for you.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 08:49

He's away (more cliches - global travel, CEO yada yada) and doesn't know I've found the picture. Part of me wants to send him a screenshot of the photo but I suspect I'll regret it the second I do. It cuts it dead though I suppose then but walking away with dignity is important to me to. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I know looks aren't everything- I get that but she is beyond the stereotype. Stunning, model (previously naked stuff, so I've had the pleasure of that).

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 08/01/2018 08:54

Can you ghost him?

I'm sorry you have been hurt like this. Wallow, cry , let it all out and get revenge by living the best life you can while knowing he has no morals and no integrity

BackInTheRoom · 08/01/2018 09:19

Ah feck her and her yoof! Been there got the t-shirt. She hasn't even had a chance to get cynical about life like we have OP! It'll tap her on the shoulder when her grandad boyfriend can't manage the stairs! 💐

Karigan1 · 08/01/2018 09:23

As someone who got traded in for a younger model you have my sympathy. I now have my own younger model though (not such an age difference asthat however) and frankly it’s awesome so chin up, boots out and have your revenge by finding happiness.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 09:27

I'm going for the ghosting option. I want no more to do with him. I don't want to fight for him - pointless, he's gone anyway plus he's not worth fighting for. I just feel like it's all surreal. I'm at work but can't concentrate on anything.

OP posts:
Dard · 08/01/2018 09:37

Really feel for you same happened to me after 20 years ow 23 years younger he also CEO sugar daddies its truly awful for u middle aged idiot .Its not you its himxxx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 09:46

I know it's him. I know it's lust, which is powerful and all consuming - it's what flung me and him together in the first place. I get a mid-life crisis too. She might be a lovely, funny, bright woman too - there are videos of her on you tube (I've done the full stalker piece). I get that Opel all out of love and move on but why didn't he just put our relationship kindly and gently to sleep - he's had every opportunity. I've asked him outright if there's someone else and he flat out denied it. He even got nasty a week or so ago and accused me of fucking someone else. Projecting I guess and sign of a guilty conscience.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 08/01/2018 10:35

@Fosterdog123

Well lust doesn't last, he'll be looking for somebody else soon. Sad really.

Dard · 08/01/2018 10:53

I still look at their facebook etc very hard not to but just self harm posed photoshopped pictures of wonderful life try not to its not real..xxx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 11:26

It is real though. He looks like a dog with 2 dicks. He's enormously wealthy and enjoys spending it. It's a very glamorous life and they're there in the finest restaurants, first class flights, designer stores, in the first flush of a sexy young relationship. Yes, she looks as young as his daughter and he looks like the stereotypical middle aged man but he's very attractive and they make a lovely couple. Fuck him right up to the moon and back again.

OP posts:
Dard · 08/01/2018 11:59

My ex does the same holidays,restaurants,designer clothes I wonder if he would be so attractive to her if he was a milkman?Probably not.In my case ow had baby so ex is nearly 50 with child we have a grandson. It is very hard to stomach and cope with try and get through hour at a time.Are u in contact with him or Nc?

KarmaStar · 08/01/2018 12:12

OP
FirstlyFlowers,
You said "all the things I used to be".....you still are that beautiful ,intelligent,funny woman.because you're a bit older does not mean you are no longer.don't let him take that away from you.
You also sound like a gutsy woman.
Get rid of the pictures.stop looking at social media.you're better than that.
Walk away with your head held high.however good looking he is he is going to look daft with such a young woman beside him and will laugh at him and see her as a gold digger.
Go out there and live your life.
There's no doubt in my mind he will regret the day he lost you in years to come.you are way too good for him.

K1092902 · 08/01/2018 12:19

OP- if it makes you feel any better, it won't last. She won't keep her model looks forever and one day she will become middle aged and be traded in for a younger model. Karma and all that.

What a prick though. Sounds like your better off without as much as it hurts now you will look back in the future and realised it was for the best.

Im saying this assuming you have no children but ring round your friends, pack a bag, print off the evidence you have and leave it on the kitchen table for him to find once he's home and your long gone.

Hope you have some RL support. If not and your near Manchester happy to meet for a brew and a chat. Take care of yourself Flowers

Hadalifeonce · 08/01/2018 12:22

I have been in your shoes to an extent, it hurt like hell; but I literally cut all contact, wouldn't answer emails or the telephone to him.

I didn't explain anything, just disappeared from his life. It drove him nuts for a while, because he couldn't understand why I had ended it.

mumofthemonsters808 · 08/01/2018 12:44

Foster- believe me, you wouldn't feel any better if she was not a young, gorgeous sex kitten, lets say she's an average looking middle aged woman and they are out and about at box standard places, you'd still feel the same pain and anger. You'd then tie yourself in knots wondering what the attraction was and why he choose her instead of you. You can see the attraction, but his biggest fear is competition from younger, fitter, wealthier men, so leave him to manage that one.

All you are doing by stalking is torturing yourself, it serves no other purpose than to make you feel more hurt. So for your own sanity stop looking and concentrate upon yourself, being with him did not define you, you were a person with lots to offer this life,before you met him and even though you don't feel like it at this moment in time, you will be one again. So lick those wounds and spend one day feeling sorry for yourself (because that is all her deserves, he's certainly not thinking about you) and spend the rest of the week doing things that make you feel good. Your inner strength will build as time goes by, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but sometimes the crappiest experiences can be the making of us.

Dard · 08/01/2018 13:27

Sorry didn't mean not real for you meant him.Arseholexxx

MotherofaSurvivor · 08/01/2018 18:05

Has he tried to get in touch again yet?

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 19:12

No more contact from him. He knows I know.

Thank you so much for all your comments. It genuinely means a lot. Today has been tough. I'm up and down and finding it hard to concentrate on anything really. I feel numbed into nothingness. Social media is like crack cocaine though - not sure how I'm going to quit it.....

You're right though about how she looks. Whilst it stings a bit, it's not my primary focus. It's his betrayal. He's effectively dead to me but the loss and betrayal is raw. He always used to say that his biggest fear was not really knowing me - not knowing if I was seeing other men for instance (he travelled a lot with work, so we didn't see each other every day). I guess it was all just projecting.

OP posts:
Shockers · 08/01/2018 19:18

How did he find out you knew?

Thisisit777 · 08/01/2018 19:21

I'm so sorry he's hurt you.

You did not deserve that treatment :-(

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 08/01/2018 19:28

I have no strength left. I've had blow after blow. I've lost so much and this is the final kick in the teeth.

OP posts:
Tstar27 · 08/01/2018 21:28

He's an arse. You said it yourself the last 12 months you were both limping on- so perhaps this is a good thing. Maybe not right now but in a few years when you're in a much happier place it will all be clear.

I'm so sorry, I know what you're going through. Being cheated on is just plain horrible and hurts like fuck. He will come to regret it once he comes back down to earth.

Do you live together? Or are you able to walk away and never see/speak to him again?

Thisisit777 · 08/01/2018 21:28

Can you speak to a friend/ family member re all this x a heavy load to carry on your own right now