Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Tstar27 · 08/01/2018 21:32

Also, is there anyone you can confide in/support you like a family member or friend? They can be you strength for now until you are back on your feet.

mumof06darlings · 09/01/2018 02:31

Hope you ok op? Please confide in someone in real life or talk to us here.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/01/2018 08:39

I've got friends I've been able to talk to who are supporting me. I'm going to go and stay with one of them later this week.

I can ghost him and that's exactly what I'm doing. I never want to see his words on a screen, hear his voice or clap eyes on him again. He's dead to me now.

I still feel like shit and my heart is pounding but I at least slept last night.

OP posts:
Thisisit777 · 09/01/2018 08:50

thinking of you today x

Dard · 09/01/2018 09:59

You are amazingly strongxxx

DarthNigel · 09/01/2018 11:55

That's the spirit OP... you are doing all the right things...

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/01/2018 12:11

I'm trying to be strong. I genuinely have nothing to say to him though, so it's not hard to not contact him.

OP posts:
Dard · 09/01/2018 12:24

Hope u have blocked him on social mediaxxx

HorseItIntoMe · 09/01/2018 12:28

What a total embarrassment ....he must look like a walking cliche 🤭

He sounds a right cunt you’re way better off without him xxx

rocketgirl22 · 09/01/2018 12:30

However hard it might feel now, you have had a lucky escape.

You now get to move on, after a time of sadness to someone else, whom loves you and respects you.

HE on the other hand will stay the same loser that he is now, now past his prime and without any decency he will soon trade the poor girl that he is with now for the next one, so no need for you to feel any envy towards her, lucky girl she has all this to come....she needs your pity for wasting her youth and beauty on your ex. On the other hand can take the dignified route.

Your relationship was on the rocks anyway, you were not happy. So this was the final nail. If not this nail it would have bean another.

Book yourself the most wonderful holiday, the best you can afford. Log out of SM and delete all photos. Go with a friend if you can and have the best time of your life.

When you come back line up lots of nights out, day trips and a life worth of living. Your life starts now.

thegreylady · 09/01/2018 12:32

This too will pass I have been there

Terrylene · 09/01/2018 12:48

People I know who have been in similar situations have joined a health club/gym or something. Gives them something to do (off the internet), somewhere to go, something to focus on and they often do food too, then they come out of it healthier and happier Wink I met someone I knew who had spent the family holiday fund on a family pass for this reason when her H fucked off to the US to someone he had met online and it has always struck me as a good stragegy.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/01/2018 12:54

I honestly am not envious of her. Yes she is young and stunningly beautiful but we all were once and we all have our moment in the sun and I'm not really an envious person. He however has raging jealousy and will be beside himself wondering where she is, what she's doing, if she is with a younger man.

And....I will definitely be weaning myself off social media but I'm not quite there yet. I'm in full stalker mode actually. She is something of a minor celeb in her home town and has a large following, posts lots of pics and writes captions to go with them. I won't quote them word for word but they are along the lines of, women are a thing of beauty, their man must treat them like delicate flowers and protect them and women must hide under their man. Seeing this helps me enormously. She can write whatever she wants, I don't give a fuck but to see a man I once held in high regard, a much respected captain of industry and one of the brightest men out there, 'liking' this surrendered bullshit like a giddy teenager makes it easier for to move on.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 09/01/2018 12:56

Oh OP I'm so sorry. It fucking hurts doesn't it?

I know execatly what you mean aboutthe social media being addictive. I nearly drove myself insane with the constant checking. Only thing to do is go cold turkey. Use an app to block the sites if necessary

You will be OK but it'll take time. But you will be OK. I promise

fallenblossom · 09/01/2018 13:51

Stalk away OP. I had a similar situ; wealthy, successful etc. He had a fling with some very minor figure - in her own country, except she was ten years older and pumped full of plastic. Hurt all the same... Meanwhile, I was stuck at home with a baby, feeling rather non-plastic. (back then that meant dowdy and unglamorous)

I stalked until I could stalk no more.. I know it's not the advised route, but I was addicted.

Happy to report I am no more.

Sorry for your pain OP, but better for it to happen this side of 50. Give yourself a deadline for stalking and hurting, then shut the door on it all and do something fabulous for yourself.

Life is so much more than wasting it on shallow, cliched men.

Branleuse · 09/01/2018 13:58

you are so much better than either of them.

ohdearohfear · 09/01/2018 14:06

You deserve better.
Looks fade and money isnt everytjing, everybody realises that eventually and the same will happen to her.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 09/01/2018 15:06

Yeah it will happen to her but not for 20 odd more years. Anyway, trying desperately not to dwell too much on that. Somewhere deep inside him, I think he might loathe himself and feel guilt but that changes nothing. I wish it had never happened but it has. I feel like shit but short of flinging myself under a bus, I have no choice but to get on with it.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheHamster · 09/01/2018 15:24

I'm 47 and my 49 yo exH is with a woman in her twenties. We've been separated for three years. I actually find it easier than if he were with a woman our age. I mean, it's such a cliche (he's ticked the whole list) and I just kind of feel I can dismiss the whole thing as utter bollocks rather than have to take it seriously. She's the age I was when we got married 20 years ago.

And our kids (uni age) are hardly likely to see her as any kind of mother figure so no threat to me there. Sorry if I missed it, do you have kids?

GottadoitGottadoit · 09/01/2018 16:45

Her captions are hilarious Grin

buckeejit · 09/01/2018 17:44

Thinking of you fosterdog-you're doing great, stay busy & stay stoical & it will get easier

annielouise · 09/01/2018 18:58

He's in the first flush of infatuation. It will fade and probably quite quickly. I think men like showing off and he's probably doing that now. Just remember you had the best years of him. If she's with him the length of time you were she'll be looking after a man in his 60s and they'll be very bored together.

Abouttoblow · 09/01/2018 19:06

Please try to take some comfort in knowing his mind will be working overtime whenever they are not together, wondering who she's with and what she's doing.

Purplerain101 · 09/01/2018 19:15

Does she know he wasn’t single do you think?
People can be so cruel and selfish sometimes and you don’t deserve that sort of treatment. This is when things like social media are bad news too as it can become consuming wanting to look at their profiles all the time (I’ve been in a similar situation before)

CharizMa · 09/01/2018 19:36

Oh boy she doesn't sound like she's overburdened with insight and wisdom.