Just discovered OH is with someone else

[Fosterdog123]

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

I’m seriously impressed with your resolve OP... I think I’d be giving him ‘what for’ about cheating .. but you are right, he’ll just blank that and re write history to fit in with his versions of events

Mine did exactly the same fosterdog. Tried to rewrite history.
Even tried to undermine me as a mother.
Thankfully a few chosen sentences in a letter from my daughter ( 26 at the time ) to the judge put that score right.

I was incensed . I’ve always been there for my kids 100 per cent of the time. Even getting out of my sick bed with pneumonia to collect them from nursery.

You watch. Karma will come to get him. I never wished any ill will on my ex but I don’t think he knew a happy day after he threw his family away

So sorry he is still messing with your head. How are you doing? Has his contact set you back a bit Foster?

De-lurking to say stay strong! I have returned to see how you are faring frequently. Can I just remind you of the ‘soft harem’ position that was proffered - for me that was when he initially achieved peak dickery imho ! The anguished ramblings may have been due to your refusal to crumple ( in public ) Your being stubborn is his lone perception : it’s because he can’t ‘manage’ you using money etc. You are a woman of substance : now he is cross with himself for underestimating you, and your resolve to indulge/ forgive him ( let’s face it I do think he thought he was too clever to be caught ) and be some kind of friendship cooperative flunkey. To compound matters it’s sinking in exactly what he has lost. He can’t even talk to his “best friend, keeper of secrets & long time impartial, wise counsel “ as that’s exactly who he has fucked over ! Guess he will need to take some time to adjust the endless cycle of being both his own pigeon and statue - couldn’t happen to a nicer chap. I think he is desperate to get you to engage in any way he can - he probaby thinks his witterings are a way to open negations. Got my best cheerleading Pom-poms out to encourage you to keep on keeping on ! Re social media - I did rather wonder if by liking on BOTH his SM accounts he alerted “ Nikita “ ( insert other name as appropriate ) to your existence (and him checking your posts out when she thought she had won his undivided attention) thereby stabbing himself in the knackers - I really hoped she’d pick up on it. Going private on SM after slipping up, coincidence, I think not! I am totally stealing the expression “ Jesus by teatime “ thanks PP. < swishes Pom poms in an impressive manner >

Hi @Fosterdog123 😊.

Classic rewriting going on! Google 'Moral Disengagement'. One day when he's old and needs his lady, she won't be there because she will want a younger man and you'll laugh! Hell we'll all laugh and scoff. Keep on keeping on kid! 👍

Seems like he hadn't processed that he'd lose you (not uncommon among cheaters), he'd compartmentalised it. Also possible he expected you to rant, scream, be angry, compete for him with her etc etc but not actually walk away .. And again he wouldn't lose you, he'd have you on the back burner (or shared front burner!) until he saw how things panned out. He may even have thought once such a precedent had been set, he could've had ongoing 'wife' and mistress serums with her or future others. Having a lot if money/power tends to make people more likely to think like that or sant everything their way and think they'll get away with it.

Of course this all makes him selfish, immoral, probably narcissistic - and sadly not even to an uncommon degree, as can be seen in mn every day.

Also interesting he did this when you were 'low' due to bereavement / apparently it's a common trait of narcissists to bail on people when they're at a low/vulnerable point.

Another vote for blocking him as he's upsetting and stressing you regardless of how strong you've been.

Scenarios not serums!

Very un PC and un feminist but I wish you'd married him so you could now spend half his money enjoying yourself and at least he'd feel some financial pain.

Foster? Yoo hoo - you there?

You haven't gone back to him have you

I honestly wouldn't want his money. I'm certainly not wealthy but I do ok, am really lucky and don't need anything from him. It means I get a clear cut break with no future resentment and spite from him. Not that he was like that but money can make people behave in all kinds of ways.

As I've reflected on his last message to me, about me avoiding him for years, it's made me increasingly angry. How dare he deflect any kind of responsibility on to me for what he's done. It beggars belief. Your wise counsel, views and input on it have really saved my sanity and helped me to understand why he's saying such a thing.

On a brighter note, the heart to heart with best friend seems to have really cleared the air and fingers crossed, we can move forward now. The takeaway was bloody gorgeous too!

Jesus wept no, haven't gone back to him. That's just not going to happen. There's not even a single fibre in my body that wants him back. Not even if he begged me. The scales have fallen from my eyes and truly, she is welcome to him. I feel nothing but sorry for her. She may well be having a lovely time superficially with this handsome, wealthy, bright, funny superstar but he's fucking texting me behind her back already and they're in the first passionate flush of romance.

Foster you are so sensible and dignified, you're an inspiration.

The lies/blame/excuses/rewrite are no doubt angering & crazy making but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter; you know the truth (and anyone with any sense knows about the whole 'she was cold, she was distracted etc' bullshit when trying to justify cheating - it's a common as muck line.

With wealthy/high status men and partners, there are the Warren buffet's and the Donald Trumps .. When I hear about a man like him, I think 'ah, he's a Trump'.

Ain't nobody got respect for a trump (except other trumps) 😉

Actually scratch warren Buffett- his marital situation was not exactly what I thought - I'll go for Barack Obama instead lol

Apologies, Foster.

What a prize he had lost in you. You are a remarkably steady person.

*has

Glad your had a good experience with your friend and great food to boot. Nothing finer in the world than a natter over a naan. Onwards and upwards - a life well lived is the best revenge. Do block him on text if you are ready to make that decision. There are going to be a lot of alcohol fuelled lonely nights ahead for him as Nikita withdraws her ‘charms’ to secure a marriage contract - you don’t need to be privy to those brain farts ( moments of reflection ). Prepare yourself for an accidental meeting ( is there an annual thing you attend - where he can get away with just turning up and bumping into you in public ) pre-prepare a closed reply to whatever he might say. Don’t engage ! As an example it was recounted to me a lady once simply handed a top therapists card that she kept in her handbag for just such an occasion, if he NOW felt he now wanted to talk things over, why she had the very person! < chin up, card out - exit stage left! >

So lovely you have reconnected with your friend. Sending you a 🍸 in sisterly solidarity and to say you have such inner strength and reserves!

Your being stubborn is his lone perception

I suspect this is true. He may have needed you to cut through his bullshit but I bet it was hard, too, especially when you wouldn't fall for him softtalking you. I bet he both hated your perception and persistance and respected it, and maybe that's where his idea that you are stubborn came from, because you won't just be persuaded.

He is also though incredibly complex and carrying a lot of demons and is a functioning alcoholic to boot You wrote this several weeks ago. It sounds like he's quite good at managing his demons by putting the blame onto the other person. Common trait, intelligent or no.

Delurking here...hope you’re doing well Foster

You’re an amazing lady so much respect for you x

I'm so angry today. Sad and angry. Sangry?!!! His original social media account (not the secret one I discovered), well he only ever used to post anonymous pictures on it. He didn't want anyone knowing it was his and so he'd just post business and travel shit on it. Well he's now posted a selfie on it of him in some glamorous location. First time in his life he's come out into the light and, well, he looks fucking gorgeous in it. Young, slim, happy. Gave me a stab of pain right through the heart. Have unfollowed and blocked him now aswell. Don't want to see his face ever again. What a horrible rollercoaster this is ☹️

Hugs

Well done op on the blocking - minimising any potential for pain to come your way.

Remember it's a superficial picture of a superficial person - with severe issues.

He has posted that for your benefit.

He's probably set it so only you can see it. He's purposely doing it for you to think about him