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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
Cadence70 · 26/02/2018 07:47

I know people advocate no response a lot of the time but why should you? Why should these men get off Scott free?
Tell the idiot exactly what he's done and don't hold back, I did exactly this with someone who treated me badly
Gave it to them both barrels with a measured but deadly response
I don't know if it made them stop and consider their behaviour but it sure as hell made me feel good
They should not get to carry on with the delusion that they're the wronged party and have done nothing wrong, actions have consequence

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 26/02/2018 07:52

Cadence - ignoring someone isn't letting them get off scott free. Being ignored and cut dead from someone's life is far worse than being given attention, even if it's negative attention. This has, infact, been proven in studies with children. It dehumanises you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 26/02/2018 09:04

I've just re-read his text 500 times and the exact wording of part of it is, you have avoided me for years now so I hope you're happy.

He's trying to say that I didn't want him so he's gone out and got someone else and it serves me right. I know there's always 2 sides to every story but his version of events is truly warped. I was a devoted gf. I know I was. I'm not doubting myself for a second or buying into what he's saying - I just can't even begin to fathom what fantasy land is going on in his head. I think he's having a bloody breakdown, I really do.

OP posts:
Cadence70 · 26/02/2018 09:14

But this is what I mean, he's got his own tidy little narrative going on in his head that makes this all your fault
I'd burst his bubble spectacularly

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 26/02/2018 09:42

He's rewriting history because the actual facts make him look like a man in the middle of a boringly stereotypical midlife crisis an idiot.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 26/02/2018 09:47

How long was he with her before you found out? Is there a possibility she wasn't the first 'extra' in his life?

Flowers
midnightmisssuki · 26/02/2018 09:47

Hi. Perhaps it maybe time to think about a final goodbye and blocking now OP.... then you can slowly rebuild your life without him. It will be hard, but you will get there. Good luck.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/02/2018 09:53

That is a very odd message - if it was late at night and he'd been drinking might there be some autocorrecting going on?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/02/2018 10:00

Not that I think you concern yourself too much with his ridiculous attempts to self-justify. I'd text back "You know that's not true. Lots of men your age have these embarrassing episodes. One day you'll be able to laugh about it."

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/02/2018 10:25

He is a delusional rat bag who is projecting blame on to you to ease his guilty conscience which is keeping him awake at night. He was probably pissed and kept awake by his guilt.

What a dick. Carry on ignoring him, I hope it’s driving him mad. How dare he project onto you.

Hope you’re ok, I know you’re not but you will be xx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 26/02/2018 10:32

But he can't TRULY believe it. He just can't. He's super bright and I mean exceptionally so and not just in an academic way. He's down to earth and has bucket loads of emotional intelligence. He's on the ball with everything. There is just no way he can actually believe his own bullshit. Not really. It's not possible.

It's not like this subject hasn't come up before either. He'd accuse me of being with someone else, for instance and I'd put him back in his box and explain that he was making stuff up in his own head and getting carried away and it wasn't based on truth or fact and he'd eventually admit this to be the case.

Perhaps she wasn't the first extra. I don't know.

It probably is time to block and move on now.

OP posts:
springydaff · 26/02/2018 10:57

I'm so sorry you're going through this almighty shock Flowers

I have to say though: he's an alcoholic. That's not just someone who drinks to excess, it is someone with serious and crucially significant fault lines running through. He is an addict. Addicts are on extremely shakey ground interpersonally -
though not always practically, as you have seen.

I'm not excusing him! No way. But it's not a surprise he'd do something as wank stainy as this. AND refuse to take responsibility or be accountable on any level but to BLAME. This is what addicts do.

I appreciate it sounds reductive to paint him in b+w but addiction really does dehumanise the addict as well as those unfortunate enough to be around them.

He's lost you. Wonderful, solid, loving, committed, supportive you. What an idiot he is.

Ghostontoast · 26/02/2018 11:43

It sounds like he is re-writing history in his head so that it is all your fault.

Ah well he has a trophy-bimbo now. He’s made his choice so now he can F off.

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 26/02/2018 12:05

He sounds confused, Foster, and is likely to have some continuing hard times ahead, even if his current strategies are warding off distress - on the surface - for now.
Unfortunately for him, he is going to have to negotiate these things without the loving, intelligent partnership he threw away. He is probably realising it on some level and thrashing about to provoke some emotional reaction from you. Intelligent people do this too.

Nothing you do but block and walk. You have enough to deal with and, as you've always been so clear about, there is nothing to be gained (long term) from further involvement.

It must seriously hurt though Flowers

NameChangeNameChangeNameChange · 26/02/2018 12:06

nothing you can* do

Dozer · 26/02/2018 12:12

Sorry this has happened to you. Blaming you is part of the cheaters’ script. There is a good thread in relationships for support on going and remaining no contact with exes.

Contact won’t help - block and don’t respond!

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/02/2018 14:33

Of course he doesn’t really believe that...if he did he wouldn’t be texting you projecting his misguided guilt onto you in the hope that you’ll reply and confirm it’s all your fault. If he really believed it was all your fault he wouldn’t be texting. I know it’s different circumstances but when I left my very abusive relationship I didn’t need to text him telling it was his fault...I KNEW it was his fault! I didn’t need him to confirm that or to guilt trip him. HE texted ME constant accusations of why he was beating me up, blaming me when he knew damn well it was his fault. Hope that made sense!

How are you? Xx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 26/02/2018 15:55

I'm fine and you're all ace. You should all send me an invoice for counselling services!!

Springy - really interesting perspective. He's a functioning alcoholic - does that make a difference? In all the time I've known him, he's admitted to a problem with alcohol just twice. Any other time, he simply makes a smart joke and neatly side steps the issue. No one would have even the slightest clue that he was an alcoholic. Not a clue. You're right though, there really are major fault lines running through him.

Friend (best friend of 30 years, one who stood me up) is due round shortly for a heart to heart and a takeaway. Mmmmmmmm, cuuuuuurrrry 😁

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 26/02/2018 16:03

Aw fab, enjoy your curry!

BitOutOfPractice · 26/02/2018 16:05

No, he doesn't believe it. Yet. But he will. He will convince himself and hope to convince you too. From what you say about him, he's very good at the self delusion. So far I can already name three massive self delusions that he's carrying about

  1. He doesn't have a problem with alcohol
  2. The 20 year old is with Him because she fancies him
  3. This break up is all your fault.

He will have convinced himself he's Jesus by teatime at this rate

Dard · 26/02/2018 16:35

Oh dear poor him really shot himself in the foot block him hopefully he will spontaneously combustFlowers

Thebluedog · 26/02/2018 16:43

Omg I’m so angry for you foster where doesn’t he get off keeping trying to reel you in. He’s not letting you heal and get over him - what a knob jockey!

KeziaOAP · 26/02/2018 17:28

Don't think I would be as strong as you in not replying as how he has hurt you immeasurably with his actions and words.

Hoping the guilt is eating him up hence the rambling message, he'll have to live through regretting that he let go a loving, supportive partner.

Enjoy your curry Flowers

SandyY2K · 26/02/2018 17:43

He's simply trying to justify his actions, so he doesnt look so bad.

Trying to make you think he misunderstood your behaviour and that's the only reason he cheated on you. It's nothing but manipulation in a very warped way.

Funny how it's taken him so long to come up with this line. If he thought for a nano second it was true, he'd have said it from the moment he knew you knew.

Charismatictac · 26/02/2018 18:08

Wow, the delusion.

Sounds like he wants to reopen communication but only with the script that he has nothing to be sorry for and you must examine your part in his moving on...

I had to walk away from a man once because I just could not believe the very convenient blind spot he seemed to have. It was mincing my emotions.