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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered OH is with someone else

659 replies

Fosterdog123 · 07/01/2018 19:04

Been together 12 years. Last 2 years have been tough - last 12 months particularly so but we were limping on. My gut instinct made me go digging. He is with a 20-something beautiful young woman. He's a walking fucking cliche. My knees are like jelly and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I want nothing more to do with him but I feel like I've been dropped into a surreal dream/nightmare. I have lost so much recently and this is the final blow.

OP posts:
springydaff · 08/03/2018 14:37

Addicts can be unbelievably, pathologically selfish and self absorbed.

Just saying.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 11/03/2018 09:47

How are you doing foster? Xx

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 11/03/2018 12:04

I'm doing ok. Life is ticking on. Dull mostly but ok. Think he's finally got the message. Just want to put him behind me and concentrate on the future now.

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user1483644229 · 11/03/2018 13:37

We are still thinking if you Foster. I check in on this from time to time to see how things are going. You are still handling this so well. Very graceful....

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 13/03/2018 09:43

Confession, I was purposefully vague about blocking him. I've blocked him on social media but I haven't blocked his telephone number and I have had a message from him over the weekend. Saying that surely we were friends aswell as everything else. I replied by saying that he'd looked me right in the eye and lied to me over and over again and that wasn't the behaviour of any kind of friend. I got a big woe is me reply saying he'd lost everything but that he deserved it. I wrote out a response but didn't send it and have now deleted it. I was going to suggest he go get some help but then I reminded myself of what he'd done and thought, I'm done with offering you ANY kind of support.

He's had 2 therapists in the past. He ended up going into business with the first one and the second one became his mate and they went out drinking together 🙄 Professional hey!

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BitOutOfPractice · 13/03/2018 09:52

Foster it tool me a loooooooong time to completely block my ex. S no judging here.

So, he's finally realised what he's lost eh? Poor wee mite Hmm

You are doing so well. You've totally got this Thanks

SeaEagleFeather · 13/03/2018 10:10

He's had 2 therapists in the past. He ended up going into business with the first one and the second one became his mate and they went out drinking together 🙄 Professional hey!

Hmm. He's very convincing isn't he? Therapists are trained against this sort of involvement and he won't have gone to a cheap, poorly trained one. For two therapists to end up breaking their professional boundaries is no coincidence.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 13/03/2018 10:19

No, I know. He is charm personified. People would follow him over a cliff. I've known him for a long time and never saw any sign of it being unauthentic. His PAs would fall in love and weep and resign when he moved on. He always wanted to do good in work. Work in the most impoverished places, build economies to help local people, champion women in the workplace. I'm not suggesting he's the second coming for one minute though. He could be commercially brutal when needed. Perhaps you're right though - perhaps it's all an act and he's good at simply convincing people. I'm inclined to believe though that most of us are a mixture of good and bad and not simply one dimensional.

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elisenbrunnen · 13/03/2018 11:21

Sounds like he is staring Karma right in the eye...

SeaEagleFeather · 13/03/2018 12:18

Actually I'd agree foster, most of us are a mix and tbh from reading what you've written here, it sounds like he chooses to act to improve the world around him.

But (yay armchair diagnoses) it also sounds to me that in his personal life, he has, somehow, to kind of seduce people with a mix of effectiveness and charm and probably genuine liking. But yet, he likes his own way and likes to have people where he wants them; to know he can kind of manipulate them. I suspect it's a flaw many highly successful people develop over time, especially slightly troubled ones .. we all like our own way!

If (if!) I'm right, then you for him were both the necessary and valued deliverer of truths and sometimes rather uncomfortable for him. This relationship with a very young woman is going to be much easier, but perhaps the genuine side of him really does miss you.

A shame because you obviously had such an honest and rewarding relationship for a long time.

SeaEagleFeather · 13/03/2018 12:20

Just to say again, I don't think for a minute he was not genuine. You would have known that long ago. Just ..flawed, and a bit too fond of being able to nudge people where he wants them, very very effectively.

aftertheevent · 13/03/2018 20:23

Sorry but I just don't get it. Of course he was unauthentic or he wouldn't have done what hes done. How do you know this was the first time?
I'm sure he didn't suddenly become a selfish bastard.
Seems to me you have been wearing rose tinted specs because being in his glow made you and others feel so good.
Been there myself and its horrible and it had been going on for years but I didn't suspect a thing.
Think maybe you have been projecting your good qualities on to him.

aftertheevent · 13/03/2018 20:26

His PAs fell in love and weep and resign? Really? I wonder why?
Good grief. Think you have had wool pulled over your eyes. As have I.

PencilledIn · 13/03/2018 20:39

I agree that it is not badness. It is just being so completely acustomed to their own agenda being what pans out that they dont question what it feels like when the boot is on the other foot. Ie the foot of the ordinary person who has to consciously compromise, hope, plan, persuade, negotiate. If that is unconsciously happening through natural charisma then it's is not even purely entitlement that leads to cake eating. I think it is so easy that they have to consciously walk away from breaks perks and privileg3s. It is the opposite for the rest of us. We chase breaks while they fight them off.

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 13/03/2018 21:37

Oh come on aftertheevent - I just picked those employees as an example. He's had senior male employees resign and follow him too when he's moved on. Are you suggesting he's shagging them too, if indeed that's what you mean.

Christ knows if he's done it before. If he has, then I really haven't been aware or had any cause to be suspicious.

OP posts:
vanessafinesse · 14/03/2018 01:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Badtimegirly · 14/03/2018 07:21

Vanessa

You little bitcoin con artist, you have no shame. Reported

Dard · 14/03/2018 10:47

He is playing on your good nature he hasnt lost everything he wants everything you and the girl cake eating.Poor him I think he is trying to suck you back in for his benefit not yoursAngry

Thebluedog · 14/03/2018 13:24

Sounds like karma is working it’s magic on him.

I don’t doubt that he will keep contacting you from time to time, in the vague hope you’ll stroke his ego at some point. Men like him aren’t used to losing. And that’s what has happened. He’s not been able to paint you as the nutjob ex, as you’ve remained dignified and not given him the ego boost of weeping or begging or screaming at him. So he wil forever be looking for some sort of validation from you. You won and that won’t ever sit well with him. Even though he’s the one that messed it up by cheating and ‘willy waving’ his prize in public.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 14/03/2018 16:16

Ikwym about building up a team and when the job changes - in time - the entire team moves over too. Which is great for those ‘IN’ the circle of trust. When you are in a workplace and you see this happening ( and don’t drink the coolaid of their eminent leader ) you can hear the drumming of the deathwatch in your own choices tho’. Doubt that bothers Mr X . Remove yourself a step or two, re read that message, and see is any of it about your health and welfare. Or is it all I dropped a bollock and I need you in this capacity. I also think there is an element of trying to keep you sweet - you know how stuff works at this level politics, image, tactics and rumour etc. I expect that once the word is out that you will be approached by his ‘friends’, business acquaintances and rivals - all with their own agendas. I have a dark sense of humour and would not be above a lunch in a very public restaurant with one of the business rivals ( I would do nothing disloyal at all in fact ) but I wouldn’t be above letting the git sweat about it!
If you haven’t replied to that message have a gold star. I imagine he is fit to burst if he knows you read it but, he is so low on your personal totem, he doesn’t even warrant a reply - imho that’s the way it should be Flowers Gin Stay strong - you deserve better.

Dard · 14/03/2018 17:13

So does he want your support and loyalty whilst he shags girl.Does he want your friendship when he has put a bomb under your world?Arrogant prick

KeziaOAP · 15/03/2018 16:11

He can’t keep away from contacting you. He’s missing the stability of your friendship, you kept him grounded, supported him through rough patches.

...surely we were friends as well as everything else.

How insensitive, surely he can’t have expected you to still want him in your life while hooked up with model young enough to be his daughter. He’s having a laugh!!

I replied by saying that he'd looked me right in the eye and lied to me over and over again and that wasn't the behaviour of any kind of friend. I got a big woe is me reply saying he'd lost everything but that he deserved it. Sounds like a very, very half hearted apology.

Keeping your dignity and distance has given him a kick up the backside he richly deserves for the dishonest way he has treated you. Wonder what he tells his friends when they ask about you?

Take care Flowers

PencilledIn · 15/03/2018 20:09

I can well imagine that a man who had such a solid partnership and threw it away quite casually for a fling now finds himself rudderless. But he is delusional if he thinks Foster owes him a friendship!

Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 15/03/2018 20:22

Dard- it would seem that that's exactly what he wants.

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Original poster
Fosterdog123 · 15/03/2018 20:26

He's delusional and yes, I do get the feeling that he somehow thinks I owe him friendship.

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