Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Question to the OW

249 replies

Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 18:22

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 07/01/2018 18:31

People are inherently selfish
You are, I am, the person walking down the street is.
It's in us all to do what we think will benefit us the most. Human nature. Maybe if we have children we might put them first for the young years of their life. But even then if we can justify our behaviour we can believe in any narrative

The whole of life is a narrative we tell ourselves one way or another, good, bad and ugly.

I don't think you can massively psychoanalysis it, because life is not that black and white

And people can justify all kinds of shit. Again human nature.

HoHoHoHo · 07/01/2018 18:31

Never been an OW but most people have the capacity to ignore others pain caused by their actions if they can't see it. For example, buying cheap clothes results in a lot of suffering for workers in other countries but most people do it.

Also it must be lonely when everyone else seems to be paired up. I think some people justify it as an affair seems like all that is available.

Thirdly, men lie and women believe them. A lot of OW naively believe that the relationship between the guy and his wife is over or that they have an open relationship.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/01/2018 18:47

Speak for yourself, Hunting HmmAngry.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 18:51

Because people are human and we all make mistakes. I was the OW and he is now with me. We don't consider each other to be a mistake but he deeply regrets how he handled the situation. If he could turn back time he wouldn't have an affair again but rather leave first. As for myself, I was just thinking about myself and how much I wanted to be with that man. I think there are two kinds of affairs. The kind where someone married actually falls in love with someone else but it takes them a while to leave for a variety of reasons. And then there are the ones, where the married party doesn't ever intend to leave and just wants a bit of fun on the side. Marriage doesn't make a relationship immune from running its course. So the only thing that can be done then to avoid affairs is to be open when relationships are at their end and to end them before the cheating happens. But that takes a lot of courage.

rockduck · 07/01/2018 18:55

How did I justify it..... I believed him when he said he was afraid of loosing his kid so he couldn’t leave. That the relationship was dead. They didn’t have sex etc etc. He still maintains this now and that he loves me....: but still doesn’t have the balls to leave.

What made me do it..... we were messaging meeting for a few months before I found out he had a partner. By then I’d already fallen for him. Obviously I didn’t have much self respect ( working on that now)

Huntinginthedark · 07/01/2018 18:59

@YearOfYouRemember
Well we are sadly! I've seen it so many times and I'm not just talking about affairs.
We all protect ourselves and what we want.

I've been cheated on and it was horrific. She did it because she wanted what she wanted and she believed in it, and she justified it. Because she was selfish, but not because she was evil, why should she give a fuck about me. Give up her happiness for me?
If you'd met the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, would you not pursue it because of someone you didn't care about. And I'm sure lots of people will say yes. But as I said. Life is not black and white

Anyway just trying to be devils advocate.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:02

I think I felt exactly as Hunting described. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that man and I wasn't the married one. So I felt he was the one with the responsibility to his wife and not me.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:04

I'd like to add though that I have really learnt a life lesson and am convinced that I wouldn't ever behave in the same way again.

Parkrunner25 · 07/01/2018 19:05

I've never been the other woman. I have been cheated on. I was hurt beyond words, but the person I feel should have to justify it wasn't the OW, it was my "D" (now ex) H.

The OW never made vows to "forsake all others", nor was she the one who lied to me. ExH did, and it was ExH I had the problem with.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 07/01/2018 19:07

Remember she only has his version of your marriage - she will also be well aware now she is the gf there is a vacancy for the ow. She knows what he is capable and will always look for the clues /signs as she knows what they are.

Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 19:07

Thanks for your honesty.

I wonder if the OW in my case has been told the truth?
Is it ever worth letting them know the truth from the betrayed persons point of view? Just letting them know the real facts?

OP posts:
SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:13

If it's facts facts maybe. If it's just a perception of how the marriage was, I don't know. It is amazing how differently any two people in a relationship (not just a romantic one ) can perceive things. He says "we haven't been happy in years. She doesn't let me be who I am. She says "we had our issues but nothing serious". Neither of them is wrong. They just experience things differently and probably don't communicate their feelings well. It works the same in friendships.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:15

Sorry, what I was trying to say is. There is never just one version of a story. And often they are equally true. Of course this doesn't apply if a cheating spouse tells his wife he wants to get back together with her while telling the OW the opposite. That would be a calculated lie.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/01/2018 19:15

My dh had an affair. I had the chance to shag my ex who had been the love of my life and was married. I didn't. I didn't want to give dh the pain he'd given me. So no, I'm not selfish.

Jigglytuff · 07/01/2018 19:19

I’ve never had a relationship with a married man - not for want of asking - but why aren’t you questioning what’s wrong with partners who cheat? Men aren’t passive victims. They actively choose to have affairs.

user1233 · 07/01/2018 19:23

Obviously NC for this. I'm no the OW now, but I was 10 yrs ago. I'm not proud of it and wouldn't usually discuss it, but I'm able to answer your questions based on my experience.

When I met him, I didn't know he was married. After our first drink together I did, but we had gone through months of talking and flirting as we saw each other 3-4 times a week due to work. I was completely in love with him and at that time in my life that was all the justification I needed. I honestly wasn't thinking about his wife at all. It was all about me. He was my soul mate. He cheated on me and I forgave him because I loved him so much. I still believe he's my soulmate, but he's also a liar and a cheat and the love died with the trust. He reconciled briefly with his wife, but it didn't last.

I started a thread on here a while ago, because I wanted to tell his exw how sorry I am for breaking up their marriage. The resounding advice was to leave well alone and not contact her, so I haven't. We've both moved on and we're both married to other people. But now, 10 yrs on, I do feel terrible. That not going to be any consolation to you, but that's just my experience.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:25

Yes, I questioned why my partner did it. We still talk about it a lot. As he is also trying to figure out why he did it. The superficial why is obviously clear but not what the underlying reasons where. In his case I fully believe that he won't do it again. Because he has seen the devastation he has caused his wife and that is hurting him too. He by no means feels like he has "got away" with shitty behaviour. He knows it was shitty, he's done a lot of work to unravel what happened, he doesn't feel gor about it and because I have seen this process , I know he means it.

KungFuEric · 07/01/2018 19:25

I don't understand why people get offended by hearing that we as humans are inherently selfish. Self preservation isn't a negative necessarily.

Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 19:26

SusanDelfino- I see what you mean. There could be different versions.

And that boils down to him doesn't it- not being honest if he's not happy, not having the guts to sort out thevrelationship until he had someone on the wings .

  • However he says there was nothing wrong . So was he still lying to me? So I wonder if he's told her we were living separately or arguing or whatever ? I think it is what he's told her and not knowing that really torments. Along with the fact he can just cast me off so casually .
OP posts:
Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 19:32

And I know he had the affair and that he's the one who deceived me but I am trying to understand why 2 people would do it to stop my mental torment .

OP posts:
SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:35

Winters Yes, I think if a partner claims nothing is wrong and then claims afterwards they were so unhappy all along, that sounds more like they are re writing history. Human relationships are so complicated. I do not think that a person goes from happy and full filled in a relationship to cheating in a heartbeat. I think people who cheat have been feeling a lack of something for a while. Some have tried to communicate this and some haven't. Communicating about ones feelings and needs is the most important thing in a relationship and yet so many of us aren't good at this. Myself included though I'm working on it. Ultimately, it's the partner who cheats who makes that decision and the cheated on person is always the victim. There's no way to justify it.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/01/2018 19:41

I had the chance to be with my ex, who I still have deep feelings for. I turned him down. I am still (unhappily) married and he has a gf. I couldn't do it to stbxh, his gf or to myself.

SusanDelfino · 07/01/2018 19:41

Winters I feel he ows you an explanation, an honest one. He has caused the mess so he needs to explain what happened. I'm my case my partner has answered all his wife's questions extensively and offered repeatedly for them to talk it through with a counsellor to help with the process but she doesn't want to. She doesn't accept any of his explanations and denies that he could have felt how he did. It is of course totally understandable she wouldn't believe him after he has lied to her while cheating but equally, he can't tell her anymore than he has because there's nothing else left he hasn't already explained. I am embarrassed by what I did btw. But I'm not lying about it. Neither is he. Cheating is awful.

beingGoodNow · 07/01/2018 19:41

Never been an OW but I think people are selfish and if they feel passion and love for someone even if they re "taken" some people will act on it and kid themselves they aren't hurting anyone or that the man they're with will be happier in the long run. Or they'll kid themselves that the relationship they are (part of) breaking up was already broken.

Some people like to "win" and see taking a married man as "beating" another woman.

mummypig14 · 07/01/2018 19:42

I had the initial flushes of hated and blame for the OW when I saw the hotel and restaurant bills he'd spent our joint income on and cant beleive she sat and let him pay with my money that should have gone to the DC. But the longer its gone on, the only person to blame is exH.

The OW doesnt have years of trust and friendship. The bad times and good times. The little things that you do for your partner to put them first. To the OW you're an illusion and part of a picture your ex has painted.

Contacting her and letting her know the truth will not help. It will encourage whatever ex has said about you to her.

Big hugs - my exP left 18months ago and I still cry everyday Sad

Swipe left for the next trending thread