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Original poster

Question to the OW

249 replies

Wintersnow17 · 07/01/2018 18:22

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

OP posts:
niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:31

RainyApril I know the narrative is nuts.... With full context it makes some sense? I was on his radar for years and he had no idea of what I was like, I'm obviously somewhat alternative, but that's about it ! Our backstories are fairly similar and it turns out that OBJECTIVELY we do have a lot in common. So much, that we did talk about better remaining potential best friends than romantic partners.

HipNewName · 08/01/2018 23:40

@niteandfog -- you know he's used the same line on other women, right? You know some one else will hear it after you, right?

None of us are really all that special. I mean, we are all each wonderful, and precious and all that, but no more so than any one else.

How he treats his wife is how he will eventually treat you. He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

niteandfog · 08/01/2018 23:45

@HipNewName Maybe? But he seems pretty stupid and inexperienced with all the things he's done.

rainbowduck · 09/01/2018 00:04

@niteandfog , I don't know what you are trying to achieve here, esp given your other thread.

You sound desperate, lonely and looming for comfort.

In order to find those things, you need to look deep inside yourself, and stop treating other people like shit, directly or by colluding with liars and cheats.

Playing fast and loose with other people's home lives only shows you in your true colors (and it isn't the tragic romantic illusion that you have in your head).

HipNewName · 09/01/2018 00:04

he seems stupid????? And you want him because ..........?

You know he is a lying sack and shit because he is cheating on his wife. You also think he seems stupid. Why on earth are you involved with him?

ferando81 · 09/01/2018 00:06

I think a lot of people would have affairs if they met the right/wrong person .Most people's environment isn't necessarily conducive to having affairs but if you worked in a very glamorous profession with plenty of opportunities to cheat ,would you be faithful?Most people aren't tempted at that level,so it's easy for them to judge.

HeelsHurt · 09/01/2018 00:12

Ferando I think folk who work are Dr/nursing or hospitality are the most likely to cheat , late hours/ night shifts and often huge stress . However not very glamorous.

Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 09/01/2018 00:14

Thanks all
Rainy April once more you seem to cut through to the truth. Yes they have the glorious technicolor affair and everything else is insipid in comparison.
There was nothing wrong. He even said there was nothing. But in the face of an adoring younger woman you seem dull in comparison.
Thanks everyone I think the different views are really interesting depending on which side of the fence you are on or or what has happened to you X
Ultimately I would love to tell her what has really happened and what I think I think of her for doing what she's done ( I know- with him) but I think I'll preserve my dignity and leave it to chance. Hope that I bump into them someday .

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 09/01/2018 00:14

I was the OW and never had a clue.. it was awful for me when I found out, too.

Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 09/01/2018 00:23

She's knows he was with me. If you were the OW would you want a latter stating facts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wintersnow17 · 09/01/2018 00:24

Letter

OP posts:
niteandfog · 09/01/2018 01:57

Of how your relationship really was? I think every relationship is different. In my case he's never stated his relationship was truly awful, just that he married the wrong person and that had a natural evolution of its own.

RainyApril · 09/01/2018 03:13

Nile, you say you now feel guilt and know that his wife will be devastated. So what are you going to do about that?

Are you going to break it off in the knowledge that he is capable of treating a spouse so appallingly?

Are you going to tell him you can't see him until he's left his wife, and even then be very discreet to keep her suffering to a minimum? If you are 'the one' then you can wait a few weeks surely?

Or are you going to carry on with your relationship, feeling the guilt, knowing you are supporting his terrible behaviour, knowing his wife will be destroyed when she finds out?

I suspect the third option as people of your ilk don't do well at denying yourself what you want, but I sincerely hope to be surprised.

WinchestersInATardis · 09/01/2018 07:01

I was the OW and never had a clue.. it was awful for me when I found out, too.

To me, this doesn't really count as being the OW if that makes sense. If you don't know and don't have reason to suspect, then he's technically cheating on both of you.
It's those who know and do it anyway, or deliberately turn a blind eye that I would define as an OW and get judgey about.

BBK3 · 09/01/2018 07:15

I hate to say it OP but for many men they don't care about the OW. I have had more affairs than I should have done as mentioned in another thread. Something I know is a despicable trait on my part and something I am not proud off so I don't need reminding.

However, what I can say is I didn't give a fuck about any of the women I was shagging. Not one. I just used all of them. To me, if they were stupid enough to fall for my endless bullshit then it was their own fault.

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 07:19

@BBK3

What about your DP, any guilt or remorse?

GertieMotherwell · 09/01/2018 07:35

That’s interesting BBK

Any poster whose DH said that after an affair would be told by others on this board that he was bullshitting.

BBK3 · 09/01/2018 08:02

My guilt/remorse was non existent at the time. I feel it more now that I am older.

Gertie- yes and they may be correct about some but they wouldn't have been for me. I guess some do because they leave for the Ow and sill live with them. Lots won't though.

I am a bit of a messed up person though with a background that has definitely contributed to the way I behave.

All of my affairs were ended by me. It probably was a very damaging experience for those involved.

This happened over 15 years ago.

I choose to stay single now. I am not a good catch clearly and not cut out to love and respect or be loved and respected.

Catching my mother in the act of her affair when I was 8 years old was obviously a very damaging experience for me.

OllyBJolly · 09/01/2018 08:13

I wonder if the OW in my case has been told the truth?
Is it ever worth letting them know the truth from the betrayed persons point of view? Just letting them know the real facts?

In my case, the OW found out for herself when history repeated itself. Gives me no comfort that another woman has been betrayed in the same heart breaking way.

weehedgehog · 09/01/2018 09:10

Winter - you must be hurting and wanting an answer as to why it happened. why he did it, knowingly hurting you, and why she did it, knowingly hurting you. You can only speculate.

What you do know, is that he is capable of such deceit. And she knows this too (same for her, of course). She can delude herself that she is special and it won't happen to her, probably a bit like Niteandfog is doing, but if they were that special, they would have done the decent thing and broken it off before starting the new relationship to give the new special person the best chance of a relationship with them.

So you know there's a behavioural pattern here, which, unless he works on himself extensively through counselling, will repeat itself.
And you will also know, that they will BOTH feel very insecure in their new relationship. Affairs are exciting, but not normal every day life. Wait until they've been together as a real couple, dealing with bills, cleaning bathrooms and other things. Once normality sets in a different picture will emerge. And the insecurity will set in.

Do you have kids? If so, make sure that he takes them as often as possible. Establish routine contact. Are you married? Start divorce proceedings RIGHT NOW. You can always change your mind at any point of the process, but he needs reminding of his commitments, responsibilities - financial and otherwise. If nothing else, it'll ensure he comes crashing down onto reality.

Whisky2014 · 09/01/2018 09:11

Yeh I wouldn't mind a letter actually. The guy I had an affair with messaged me long after I ended the affair to say he had told his wife everything. I didn't reply but o really wanted to speak to her to see what he told her.

weehedgehog · 09/01/2018 09:26

But why does it matter what he said?

Whisky2014 · 09/01/2018 09:32

So the OW also finds out the extent of his lies and how far he will go for a fuck?

It doesn't matter really,Just interesting.

GertieMotherwell · 09/01/2018 10:24

Tbh, truth is that the OW is owed nothing really Whisky

Whisky2014 · 09/01/2018 10:47

Oh Yeh, I get that totally.

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