Question to the OW

[Wintersnow17]

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

I know its not nice hunting but if he even said he wasn't leaving and didn't want an affair why did he? After that one comment I made it was he who chased me. All for the offer of a shag. Id say it was he who was more pathetic than me.

"I have found a strength that I never knew existed in me. I am better and stronger because of my EX and the OW but it has been an exceptionally lonely time and the concept of me actually trusting another person with my feelings, home and life is a long way off."

Life, you have been through an absolutely appalling time but, you're right, it makes you tougher than concrete.

As you have found, it actually teaches you who are the moral, ethical, true people in life. That's a valuable lesson and a recipe for a happy life, because those are the kind of people you'll surround yourself with going forward, not the kind of weak, spineless cowards you might have once known. I was lucky in having many good friends who basically kept me alive. I feel like they are my family, now.

With regards to your ex and his OW, I always thought the last page of Gone Girl summed it up, in that the protagonist says to his sociopath wife "I feel sorry for you. Because you have to wake up in the morning and be you."

Would the wives consent to continue having sex with their husbands or stay in the marriage if they knew the truth about their husbands' sex lives? The vast majority wouldn't. That choice is being taken away from them. That I have a huge ethical problem with.
I agree totally with this. There's not much I'd disagree with if it's all out in the open (eg I might find the idea of prostitution distasteful [as this seems to be ford's subject of choice], but single men visiting is somewhat understandable. As soon as it's one partner making the choice to deceive the other out of pure selfishness, that's a different matter and one I find totally contemptable.

Fitbit, yep.

Do most cheaters think that, if their partners knew the truth (of their cheating), that they would consent to have sex with them?

And what's sex without consent?

revenge I think cheaters think partners will not find out and what they don't know doesn't hurt them. And just look at the number who never admit to anything unless the evidence is put under their noses. Compounding the deceit. Selfish bastards, no matter how you try to justify it. I don't think consent comes into it.

My exs ow is now in the same position as I was when she was the ow. 4 small kids, bit chubby and down trodden and he's still his usual selfish self and leaving her to raise them while he persues his own interests.
I often wonder if she thinks about how I felt when they were so happy to set up their own cosy life leaving me broken and with 4 kids to support alone.
I doubt it tho 😳

Ledkr - I bet she does and so do her family and friends but no one would dare say - karma.

i got over him leaving me, relatively early in the whole timescale - that was remarkably simple. However, the ongoing abuse, verbal mental and emotional abuse to myself and the DCS, inflicted by both of them I will never ever forgive or forget. He tells me this is the real me. I point out that I am gald Iknew him, when he was kind, caring, considerate and a real family man - that person was lovely.
they both did it and they are both guilty and both morally corrupt.

A few friends tell me she is having a hard time and EX is being difficult - I can only smile and point out, he learnt how to behave with an EX from them both and what goes around .......

I think affairs are justified because of the way the Western world views relationships. Rather than a marriage being a contract for life 'for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health....til death do us part' and let's face it....the importance of saying those words is that everyone knows that marriage can be incredibly hard work.... We have adopted the disney view of love and marriage in the Western world. 'you can't help who you fall in love with' 'once you have fallen out of love there is no going back' This is all cobblers and people need to start taking responsibility. You can help it. You can avoid flirting with married people....do not let your thoughts dwell on being with someone who is already committed for life to someone else. People actually say 'it just feels so right , it must be okay' Feelings need to be taken out of the equation.....it is not okay on any level ever. By the way, I am happily married and not been cheated on but have seen this happen to so many friends and it makes me mad.

The worst excuse : I deserve to be happy.

Yes, and so do his kids you selfish morally bankrupt scumbag.

End it honourably, allow your wife some kindness and respect, then be together.

Makes me laugh how many 'soulmates' don't think they can wait a few weeks to start their relationship on the right footing.

Everyone deserves to be happy, but not at the expense of other people's happiness. I had the chance to get involved with an ex a couple of months ago. This is someone I've thought about frequently over a period of 17yrs, someone who I have/had an amazing connection with.

Guess what? I said no. Neither of us are available at the moment and I won't be the reason for other peoples heartbreak. It hurts like hell but it is the correct decision even if we never end up together.

I’m contacted by married / attached men on dating sites several times a week (despite me not being particularly attractive and despite my profile saying I’m not interested in anyone with a partner). When I ask why they’re looking for an affair, they always say (variations of) they’re bored or ‘they’re not getting what they want at home’

@vdbfamily

I hear you.

It's like someone after 20 years saying 'I was bored, we weren't having sex' etc, but no EA or PA so a generally meh marriage. See i think that although this isn't great, it is a good steady foundation and could be worked on. But they don't work at it, they put more effort and energy in to their AP.

It seems marriages are very disposable nowadays like saying 'I'm bored now! next!'

Very sad.

But for some people you do genuinely gall out of love. I'm with my DH at 7yrs and it's not boredom. I don't even like him. We probably should have split after 2yrs and to this day I don't know why we didn't.

I still won't get involved with someone else as a way out though. I'll leave because of my marriage not because of another man.

I never flirt with strangers in a bar even though I'm very unhappy. But when I bumped into my ex unexpectedly the connection shocked me, and him. I'm aware I'm vulnerable anyway because of the unhappy marriage but it was like something inside me woke up. The awareness that I could feel like this again. I've put measures into place to ensure I don't bump into the ex though because I don't need/want the added complication.

Good on you NK

'you can't help who you fall in love with' 'once you have fallen out of love there is no going back' This is all cobblers

Yup, agree with this also. My dh is not a very nice person sometimes, I'm sure if I spent time with a nice guy who showed an interest it would be easy to 'fall in love' simply because I felt valued not that anyone would be interested. Actually, it would be lovely to experience those heady days of young love again, but it would be a shitty thing to do. I only hope dh thinks the same. I have had my doubts over the years

Fitbit yes it would be shitty and incredibly selfish. If people want to move on to someone else they need to leave their current partner first.

I would also add.. Without getting to the point where you have lined up the next relationship, as this takes deliberate work and deception too. Yet I bet most don't leave until there's a sure thing waiting - almost as bad as cheating outright imo.

Yes lining someone up is bad and foolish. When I leave I really need to be on my own, to discover my own self worth.

I just wanted to add I can see why someone would be tempted though and I have been myself. When you are going through a bad time and you are given attention it is difficult to resist. But if someone truly cares for you they will leave you be until you are available and ready.

I only mention it as my dp told me out of the blue he was leaving, and he already had his eye on someone. I know now he must have been communicating in some way with her while he told me he wasn't. God knows what else I was unaware of. He certainly wasn't telling.
Good luck to you NK, sounds like youll do the decent thing.

So sorry to hear that Fitbit. That must have been a huge shock. Oh I won't be getting involved in anything, not a chance

I've always avoided married men. If I know someone's married they are off limits from the beginning. I don't even entertain the idea of them being datable. Also where is your self respect if you are happy to be with someone who can only give you half their life at the most? Cheaters always cheat on everyone too so not trustworthy.

I had an ex friend who really annoyed me saying she liked the look of a married man she met on holiday and told me she had realised that she would 'not be able to get him away from his kids' as if she was actually considering trying to get him away from his wife.

People like this piss me off.

NK Do mind me asking how the chance with your ex a couple of months ago came about? Does it make a difference how you feel if it was in person or via social media?

Sorry for the derail op.

Fitbit We bumped into each other accidently. My DH was there that evening too. The connection was still there, it was like we'd never been apart. I felt it and he felt it. I think seeing him in person meant that we were both in no doubt that the physical attraction was still there. I'm not sure if that would have manifested it had he just contacted me via SM without a meeting.