Question to the OW

[Wintersnow17]

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

Nite, I don't know what I've missed but I would take anything he says with a pinch of salt if he's still committed to his wife. It sounds like cheap talk to me, very melodramatic and idealistic. It seems like you're using each other as a distraction but in your situation, you're the one who stands to lose more. Don't allow yourself to be set up for a fall.

As pp said, talk is cheap. How can you trust the words of a married man who's cheated on his sick wife? He's shown that he has no humanity or morals. Why do you think you're the woman to make all that change? You aren't. Even if you end up together, you'll never fully trust him because of the way you got together. Eventually it'll eat away at your relationship and drive you mad, probably make your MH worse. Your priority should be your young DD, not yourself. Think of her and stop thinking of yourself.

Go on, I'll bite.

1. How do you justify it to yourself?

I enjoy having sex with a variety of people. Some of those people may be married and / or have agreed monogamy with their partners. That's their business, not mine.

1. What is it that makes you do it?

See point 1, I like sex

1. How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?

If my clients / partners have got the brains they were born with, their supposedly monogamous partners will never find out. I know for definite that many marriages are still intact today because men who love their sex-averse wives come to me for a quick bit of relief once a month.

NotTheFordType you sound incredibly damaged.

Good grief ford what a shit life. I'd rather be the betrayed wife than you, and that's saying something.

My life is very enjoyable thanks. Certainly a lot more so than when I was trying to perform monogamy.

Non-monogamy doesn't automatically mean cheating, Ford. I've only been in non-monogamous relationships over the last five years, but have always been careful to be open and honest about it with my partner and their partners.
I think your line of work does make the question a lot more complicated. I have no issue with that, nor with non-monogamy and lots of partners if you want it, but saying you've saved sexless marriages is a huge simplification.
There are just as likely to be marriages that break down when the wife finds out about you, but the bigger issue I think, is that of consent.

Would the wives consent to continue having sex with their husbands or stay in the marriage if they knew the truth about their husbands' sex lives? The vast majority wouldn't. That choice is being taken away from them. That I have a huge ethical problem with.

Haven't read whole thread... I was the ow and we did eventually leave and are happy together.

On mn there seems to be a perceived idea that if your unhappy just leave your marriage before you meet anyone else. And lots of very positive stories on here of pe who do just tgat.
But life just isn't that black and white.
Leaving a marriage is so hard even if your desparately unhappy. People find themselves married to people who they just aren't compatible with.
They meet some else... The affair might be a catalyst for them to leave...
We give very mixed messages in society now.... We still peddle the fairy tale that one person will be your all for all your life, but then we say follow your dreams, personal happiness is fundamental, you deserve to be happy,.... And we put a very very high price and value on constant monogamy.

So you marry mid 20's....by mid 40's you maybe a very different person... Your spouse may have developed in parallel or might have been at a tangent but shared lives and our over riding conditioning that marriage is a lifetime fairy tale makes breaking up seem impossible, a failure...

Affairs are not inevitable or necessarily a good idea, but they are often not a deliberate act to cause hurt to the other spouse.

In my case I really did not think about it, I know that sounds callous but it was my dp's marriage and his responsibility to manage the situation. He needed to decide what he was going to do.
He felt that his marriage was fundamentally over long before me, ours was definitely a catalyst affair.

An interesting thing to consider is how gendered this discussion is.

Have you ever heard of a man who had sex with a married woman being asked "How could you do that to a fellow man?"

theredjellybean it sounds to me like you've spent a lot of time trying to justify your terrible behaviour. It's never ok to destroy another person's life (and usually the DCs too). What if your behaviour pushed someone over the edge into feeling suicidal? Would you still be trying to justify your behaviour then? How do you know that you haven't made someone feel this way? Is it really worth the risk just to get your leg over?

A cheat is weak. If you start to have feelings for another person, YOU DON'T ACT ON IT! Not unless you're willing to end the marriage honestly before you do anything. If you can't do that, then don't go there. It's quite simple really.

I think it's because it is exciting and that excitement can no longer be found in the relationship.

It sounds bad, but that's the simplest way I can put it. I don't think you can rekindle the spark once it has gone. Infatuation and lust can feel nicer and more addictive than love, even though love is the deeper emotion.

I really do feel awful for anyone who is cheated on though. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

I don’t justify it to myself. It just is what it is. Also I love him. Love him so much but it has nothing to do with wanting to live with him and have an official public relationship. It’s about spending time together every so often.

Married or not, people don’t belong to each other. Humans are sexual and marriage was invented by the church.

There's a lot of people on here spouting utter shit as a way to justify their behaviour.

RainyApril I agree, monogamy is a vile and patriarchal system.

Basically the OW is self centred and selfish and doesn’t care about the wife. She wants the husband and will overlook all other parties (including children) to get what she wants.

Yes, the responsibility lies with the husband, but the OW is not blameless (assuming she knows he is married of course).

Millions of women manage to meet their life partner without resorting to taking someone else’s.

I have no respect at all for OW.

monogamy is a vile and patriarchal system.

Yeah. I’ve often wondered who it really serves.

Ford, I couldn't agree more. But if you decide to actively choose it, and lead your partner to believe that you are adhering to it, well then you should.

Redguitar I agree totally. You don't start a relationship without ending the first. If there's something wrong in the relationship that means you re thinking of an affair, be honest and talk to your partner. I think that's just hedging your bets otherwise, in case the affair doesn't work out. All the OWs who talk about it being his problem or it being true love- that doesn't condone it at all. If you felt like we , the betrayed feel you wouldn't do it.

If you have been betrayed and then go on to have an affair yourself, you are the lowest of the low.

I find it bizarre that on a thread about men screwing around monogamy is blamed on the patriarchy.

It seems quite patriarchal to say it's fine for a man to have a wife at home and a mistress on the side. There's really nothing more patriarchal than the idea that men should do whatever they feel, and it doesn't really matter if it tears women's lives apart.

Redguitar.. My point is it isn't that simple... Life is not that simple, it just isn't.
It isn't as simple as 'talk to your spouse about being unhappy' or split up before you have a flicker of interest in someone else.

Life does not exist in a black and white mumsnet approved movie set.

It's sodding messy and complex and yes sometimes people do things that are current society deems unacceptable.

Am I a bad person...it depends on whether you judge me on this one fact or weigh it against many good things.

Did I destroy some one else's life... No, sorry I don't buy that. If my dp and his ex wife were happy, and combatible long term why did they separate? Which actually happened after our affair ended and we both tried to make our marriages work?

Did I take some one else's husband... Really? Sorry I didn't realise husbands where posessesions that a wife owned.

theredjellybean another one who's trying desperately to justify their abhorrent actions. It's not about 'taking someone's husband' or 'possessions', it's about human decency and feeling empathy towards other human beings. I can only assume that a few on here are sociopathic. No normal person can show such callous disregard for another person's feelings and then try to justify it.

You most likely DID destroy someone's life. Do you think people marry, stay married and work fucking hard at it just for shits and giggles? You were probably the straw the broke the camel's back and the wife couldn't go on knowing how her husband deceived her. YOU and the husband did that! YOU! If you're going to be a cheating, dirty w at least have the fucking decency to admit you've fucked up lives- yes YOU! Same goes for your P (DP seems too kind).

I'm unwatching this thread because I can't contain my rage at some of the people on here. You clearly have so little self-respect that the only way you can get a man is to go after the married ones. After all, the married men OW seem to go for are the vulnerable ones going through (normal) shit in their marriage. Is that really the only way you can get men to like you- when they're at their lowest ebb? To appear as their 'get out'?What happened to working hard at finding a single man? Are you that unappealing? Oh wait...

He'll do to you what he did to his XW. If not now, in years to come. It's sad that you think his filandering ways will end with you. Wake up love. They won't!

I guess it's about having a back up? People don't want to be alone. They don't want to end the relationship unless they have something to go to.
The guy I had an affair with for 4 months had no intention of leaving his wife. As far as I knew he was in a happy marriage. Cue work Xmas party I told him I wanted to fuck him..I guess I was drunk and wasnt caring what I said. His head was turned and it started from there. In fact later that night when I had gone to my room he called me and I was going on about him and me getting together and he actually said "whisky, im not leaving my wife for you" (and shot down any sort of relationship). Less than one month later he had left her to be with me.

Is that really the only way you can get men to like you- when they're at their lowest ebb?
No absolutely not. I met my fiance when I was single and happy. Felt good in myself.

Whisky2014
Nice

People who say you can not blame the OW/OM are so wrong. they are party to it and not innocent.

SusanDelfino - so you have learnt - yippe does not help his wife does it and so sodding what if you are now together, it does not justify either of your actions.

The OW was one of my close circle of friends - she knew stuff because the girls would chat and then she became the all knowing friend to EX, she knew what was troubling him - course she effing did I was talking about it.

She knew,he knew - in one fell swoop, I lost my partner, our planned future, father of my children, one of my close friends and my friendship group was blown apart. People naturally take sides - I do not blame them - just wish a few more had believed me not the fantasising bitch. I was slagged off, called all sorts of things, lied about and did not know who to trust. Told one friend something which went straight back to her and caused endless hell. Friend no more.

I had to stand up put on a brave face and be invited out to a bbq, to only find out after being there 45 mins that they had turned up and been asked to leave, because she was having hysterics in the house and was scared of me, know that my so called friends were out for a meal, drink and not be invited, to miss out usual traditional social activities.

You do not just destroy a relationship, you destroy lives, families and friends, you make them choose sides - it is now 5 years. Ex has now left OW and friends now contact me to ask me if I am OK, because they believed the utter bullshit that was spread about me and dumped me 5 years ago. they now tell me they knew it was lies - so why the hell did you not call her on it - you spineless wankers.

The few who stuck by me and my mother in law, I value beyond anything I can describe. I have seen my family torn apart, a good Dad become a waste of fucking space to appease her demands, he is now working on his relationship with his children, my parents died, one of my DCs seriously ill ( think intensive care - EX turned up twice in a month because he had to look after her DCS), she reported me to social services and for benefit fraud. I got no maintenance for 2 years, I have not been to a party in ages, socialising is not part of my vocabulary -my DCS are happy because I bite my tongue and sucked up all the shit the two spineless arseholes through at me, so they could know their Dad.

I have found a strength that I never knew existed in me. I am better and stronger because of my EX and the OW but it has been an exceptionally lonely time and the concept of me actually trusting another person with my feelings, home and life is a long way off.