Question to the OW

[Wintersnow17]

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

Winter

I think the thing is that even if you did contact the OW it wouldn’t make you feel better in the end. Neither the OW or your husband can probably give you the answers you need and the sad fact is that I don’t think they would give you the reaction you need and want either.

I know it is incredibly hard but for your own sanity it might be best to try and let go of this need for them to acknowledge what they have done. Maybe try writing it all in a letter to each of them then throwing the letter away. Sounds silly but it does help a bit.

I do understand and know that feeling of just wanting them to understand and acknowledge. In a way though this is also an ( understandable) way of trying to keep the relationship - any relationship - going on with your husband.

As for everyone is selfish - it is obviously true to an extent but also a bit of an easy thing to say. A bit like when people claim things are ‘biologically’ driven, which really only says so much given humans are complex, social animals and those bonds of society are oartly what has helped us survive and evolve. I am no saint but I didnt act on the offer of an affair with someone when I was married and was unhappy and instead tried to engage my husband in making things work. Two years later he had an affair ( maybe earlier!). Whilst part of me can understand why as we were unhappy I do think when you are in a relationship you should have the courage to leave rather than cheat.

Don't think about her motives op, it ties you in knots and gives her even more power over you.

She doesn't care how you feel because she already knows, knew all along actually, and did it anyway.

It boils down to selfishness - wanting a man, pretending to believe his lies about you, pretending she isn't the one harming the marriage. In some this must be coupled with low self esteem in order to accept the crumbs he is offering. In some the competition makes them rise to the desperate 'pick me' challenge.

It doesn't matter. They either win a pathetic coward who couldn't talk to his wife when he started to feel unhappy in the marriage, or a liar who never really was that unhappy but fancied sex with someone else.

The only correct response to a married man coming on to you is disgust, anyone who finds the capability for betrayal an attractive character trait in a partner needs their head testing.

Most relationships cannot be build on another's unhappiness. Many men who leave for OW never settle and never feel truly happy. They feel guilt and miss their children and often yoyo back and forward between their the woman they left and the OW and many men ultimately end up with neither.
Very few of the men who say they no longer have sex with their wives are telling the truth and are saying what they think will satisfy OW and persuade her that it is not wrong.
See this so many times. Families broken up and grass not greener. In a tiny minority of instances the OW & man might stay together but that can bring lots of problems with relationships with his children who may never forgive him, may never want to meet OW and sometimes his parents who loved the wife and will not accept or meet OW. Often financial difficulties too for all concerned.

Op, my xh only left because I made him after discovering the affair. He begged for forgiveness and said awful things about the ow, yet is with her now so I can only assume that he told her that he left of his own accord to be with her.

We are years down the line but he still regularly asks me to take him back, finds excuses to spend time here, tells me how miserable he is. Again, I doubt the ow is aware of any of this.

He now has a new life, but says losing his old one is his biggest regret, and one he will never recover from. We have four dc who will not meet ow or visit his home. His family are disgusted by his behaviour and tolerate ow. He has three stepchildren that he says he doesn't even like.

I imagine many men who end up with ow feel like this to some extent, although most will keep it to themselves.

Don't waste energy examining their motives op, channel everything you have into building a new life.

I wouldn't bother contacting the OW all you will get in feedback is the self justified lies of her selfishness.

Susan is a good example of this, giving a nod to some detached unfeelable guilt, kindly offering the ex the option of answers and counselling, and all the time in reality justifying an act that has no justification at all, ever, no excuses.

To me it denotes the type of person whose moral code is malleable to their selfish desire. Ive been cheated on and as a PP says, the most freeing thing is to realise that their viewpoint will always be a "lie", to you, to themselves and will change nothing. They can lie to their partner in life and that's the end point of anything, the reasons are dust in the wind.

It all boils down to ego. In it's simplest terms. I don't despise cheaters as i think the historical evidence shows that it really is here to stay. This was true before I have cheated once, 11 years ago. I can tell you what made me do it, i regretted marrying my husband and wanted out. I believed that a man could rescue me. His wife was pissed off and very humiliated for various reasons.

My DH didn't want the marriage to end.

I saw the OM as an individual, not just as a father.
So many people are separated nowadays, i wasn't that worried about splitting our two families.
I figured we were both doing it because we were unhappily married.
I'd rather be left for someone rather than the indignity of "I would rather be alone than with you" (this still stands).

But i am still married, go figure. Haven't cheated since. This was because the ties that held us together ended up being stronger than just a romantic relationship. I am content.

They don’t always know. I found out I was an OW once but I got told they were seperated. I kicked him straight back to his wife. I suspect I have been another time as well but I still don’t actually know just that lots of the things said to the person after me were exactly what he said to me and I know we hadn’t ended.

I think people who cheat have been feeling a lack of something for a while.

This is rubbish. People cheat bcs the sex impulse is powerful and once you let it in its like a ravenous lion. It's the letting it in that's the problem.

Because who doesn't meet people we'd dearly love to spend intimate time with /shag? You can spin a whole narrative around that selfishness - and of course people do. And believe it! Re Clary, above.

OP I mean this kindly but why have any questions for the OW?

Her loyalty wasn’t with you. It doesn’t matter why she did anything. What matters is why your husband chose to go with her.

I’ve never been the OW by the way. I just don’t see the point in wasting energy on her when technically speaking she hasn’t done anything wrong to you.

It’s your husband who has.

The Other man or woman is most definetly to blame as is the married partner.
Just because they didn't make vows it doesn't mean they did nothing wrong.
They know there's partners and children at home and that's there's a lot of lying and hiding going on.
I have been in a marriage where I was so so unhappy but had great difficulty leaving and in this time I met someone who was amazing and kind and who I had very strong sexual feelings for, I never told him and i never acted upon it because I was married whether it be happily or unhappily and i know for a fact the other man would also have lost respect for me had I tries to start a relationship whilst still being married.
we all have a conscience and we know what's right or wrong

the other woman's loyalty wasn't to the op but as I stated it's still wrong to have a relationship or sex with someone who's unsuspecting wife is sat at home.
in my experience the other women always have self esteem issues and are always very selfish people.
she will always be looking over her shoulder coz she knows how easily your exhusnad can lie. what kind of life is that?
be glad hes gone you deserve better

Wow some of you are really judgemental in this presumption that the OW is at fault. How do you know what she’s been told. OP if you want to contact her then contact her. Like I said I didn’t know and found out when she contacted me. I immediately sent him packing. There’s no reason not to contact if you want to.

Oh and for the judgemental amongst you: it was along distance relationship with someone I met whilst away and I did not know them before. I was told he was separated and working through the divorce with the courts. I can’t stand cheaters and would never knowingly have a relationship with one unless I was using it as an opportunity to cut off their cheatingballs.

Most OW are spun a web of lies and that's how they justify it. "The marriage is all but dead anyway", "He doesn't really love her", "she's a nasty piece of work anyway". So she deserves what's coming.

I don't agree that OW wreck families - it's the DP that does that. I don't think they shoulder any responsibility there and a marriage breaking up doesn't have to be the end of the world for children.

Bangpickle in those circs I would say that the OW is also to blame as those are all ‘I’m trapped but not leaving’ lines. Totally different to the I’m seperated, single or divorced lines.

I saw someone find out they were the other women last week. She’s with fiancée that’s she’s been with for 3 years and his phone shows a call from someone in the contacts as wife. She gets someone to call (the number (where we come in as she asks what to do and that’s suggested) only to have a woman answer. But if questioning and turns out the bloke has been married for 12 years! She never knew. In those circs the fault lies squarely on the cheating man

Bangpickle in those circs I would say that the OW is also to blame as those are all ‘I’m trapped but not leaving’ lines. Totally different to the I’m seperated, single or divorced lines.

I agree, I should have been clearer - they are equally to blame, but keeping a family together is not their responsibility. That is on the DP not to cheat in the first place. And it's sometimes easy for a vulnerable person to be taken in by the bullshit lines!

Going to get flamed here...

I have been the OW although they weren’t married and only she had kids from a previous relationship

The truth? Never gave her a thought. He told me he was single which I believed at first. Then he said he was with her and contrary to the usual script the relationship was perfect but he still wanted a relationship - never understood it either but clearly must be lacking something?

So we did.

Only when she got suspicious he ended it with me.

I was just sex and plenty of it, everything else was false.

Do I think about her now? Yes as she truly is in a relationship based on a complete and utter lie. He will cheat on her again, their relationship is totally based on so many lies.

BUT whilst no defence, she was the OW when he left his wife. She must realise what a cheater he is.

Direct your questions and anger at the cheater not the OW, we get spun all sorts of lies and truly on reflection it’s not a great feeling or experience and one I won’t be repeating.

I contacted the OW and found it quite interesting. I had assumed she was fed a lot of lies and manipulated her. But it turned out she knew full well he was married, with two kids and a pregnant wife. She just didn't give a shit because she was so in love. And I also think she wanted to 'win'. She didn't care about me or the kids. In fact, she actively pushed him away from them which eventually lead to the demise of their relationship.

I walked away from meeting her quite bewildered because I never assumed somebody could be so cold and calculating.

I also walked away quite happy knowing she was engaging in the pick me dance with him, whilst I had disengaged.

Being in a vulnerable position / state of mind and being fed a pack of lies is usually the way it goes.

The whole thing that people shouldn't be angry or hurt by the OW, and that it's not her fault doesn't wash with me. I would never do that to anyone, so I judge people who do.

Dontletthebastards - I think a lot of people do. Because a lot of people are affected by it, be it directly, as children, parents, spouse or friend.

Some people like to "win" and see taking a married man as "beating" another woman

I have been an OW (as a teeneager who honestly never even thought about the mans family) and I know women who have been at various stages of my life and the reason quoted above - I think is nonsense.

The only time the ow is blameless is when she doesn't know he's married.

After that, she's not as culpable as the married man, who is the one breaking vows and betraying his wife, but she is still aiding and abetting him, participating in a pretty shit situation and behaving like a despicable human being.

People asking why op wants to contact the ow - she's already said it's because she can extract answers and explanations from her dh, but the motives of the ow are a complete mystery.

Sometimes wives are just left scratching their heads thinking 'how could she?' and when your whole life falls apart you do feel like you need answers in order to make sense of it all.

Thanks again everyone lots to think about. Oh dearohfear - that's what I think - the OW with my DH def knows about me, but I don't know if she's been spun any lies.
Rainy April you've hit the nail on the head, everything you said is just what I think.
It's that why would you do it to another person? Even if he's said he's unhappy etc he still married. I just want a way to end the mental anguish.
Ilovecrumpets - always good advice.

Someone said start being selfish- what do you mean?
Xx