Question to the OW

[Wintersnow17]

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

I think you have to accept the mental anguish for a while, in the early days.

No good will come of chasing answers - you could end up feeling so much worse. How would you feel if she ignored you, said she didn't give a shit, told you the intimate details of their relationship, told you private things about yourself?

Rise above it. Show you are better than both of them by acting with dignity and kindness. They will both pause for thought when you don't react the way they expect, the way he told her you would.

It's a cliche, but you just need time and one day you just won't care anymore. In the meantime, two more cliches - the best revenge is a life well lived, and fake it til you make it. Start thinking about yourself, the sort of new life you want.

When I was approached by the OW who told me what my long term boyfriend was up to behind my back I didn't want to believe her. I spoke to him about the accusations and he flat out denied it.

I got back in touch with the OW and we went out for drinks together and something to eat and we spoke about the whole situation and it turned out he'd been feeding her all kinds of lies and that she'd actually been just as hurt by him as I had. I wanted to be angry with her but I couldn't be, she'd been an innocent victim in the whole mess just like I had been.

From meeting up with her it made me see that some men simply are just dick heads who don't really care about hurting people and who just want to have their cake and eat it.

Not defending at all but you never know what he told her about you. How cruel you were or you were separated ect, which made her think she was the fresh start at happiness ect. In truth, you were probably the last thing on her mind as she embarked on a new relationship, she's probably a normal woman who fell for a bloke only really considering her own happiness. Or there could be the possibility that she is a horrible person who couldn't care less, in which case best of luck to them both! Just remember, if he cheated with her chances are he'll cheat on her as soon as his head is turned.

I was the OW no excuses or justifications here... I’m ashamed of how we got together. And I wish it had been different but I can’t change anything

Dh and I were in a band together, I was the singer. he was married, I was seeing someone casually but was a single mum to dc1. It turned out he’d only joined my band because he had seen me sing and fancied me. He pursued me but even though I liked him I said I wasn’t interested as he was married. He is ten years older, he said he had been unhappy for years only stayed for his child etc so it was all the usual cliches and I didn’t believe him.

Except He left his ex wife just after he’d told me he had feelings for me. He moved into a flatshare and we started seeing eachother (too quick tbh). Understandably there was a massive shit storm and his dc cut contact. Especially when he proposed to me after a few months and he wanted to ttc. We had our first daughter just over a year after we got together. it was all far too quick looking back and we were just swept up in how we felt.

He regrets the way he handled things when he left his ex and wished he’d left a long time before he did. And had a long time on his own. But he says he saw me as his chance of happiness and couldn’t let it pass

But it worked out as we are still head over heels. We’ve been together ten years now married 8 and had 2 more dc. I definitely think his was an exit affair (as I have heard it called) .

Thanks
It all makes sense and rationally I know I shouldn't be thinking about her but it's not rational is it? It's emotional. I want her to know the damage she ( and he of course) have causedi to meand my family who loved him as well. And to point out the truth . I won't, I think after reading your posts but it kills me to think of them being happy together at my expense and having questions unanswered.

In my experience... men lie, or they re-write history to suit what they want to believe. In my case, in the early days after exH left I intercepted texts and emails between them. The version of me they talked about was unrecognisable to me. I was some weak, clingy, dependant thing who was giving ‘poor’ exH a terrible time.

3 years on, they are still together, I am happily with someone else, we’re all pretty amicable. But I’ve still never met OW despite saying to exH when he drops the DC off she’s welcome to come in, doesn’t have to wait in the car etc. He always has some reason why, but I suspect he doesn’t want her to realise that I am actually just a normal person!

I didn’t ask

I told

Sorry op
One of the hardest things in life is dealing with others being happy at your expense
It's the worst feeling
And sadly there is fuck all can be done about it. Other that working on your own self and hopefully having happiness yourself

Their happiness might be immediate, but you will have it to, if you let yourself

Sadly by the time you do, you probably won't give two fucks about them. Life is a fucking bastard sometimes.

I feel sorry for some of the posters and their stories of true love. If a man walked away from a wife and children to be with you, why in the world do you not see that he's quite capable of walking away from you and the children he makes with you? I'm in my 50s, and have watched a few men do this repeatedly.

Please protect yourself and finances. You are very vulnerable. Think through how to structure your life and your finances so when he meets his next true love it doesn't completely sink your life.

Wintersnow -- I think there are different reasons. Sometimes the OW (or OM) hasn't thought it through or truly doesn't understand the kind of destruction that comes from this because they are young or inexperienced (not evil, just ignorant). Sometimes they understand, but lack empathy because they are selfish and just want what they want regardless of the cost to others (evil). Sometimes they believe they are in the right, and that it is true love, so the spouse is like a minor character being written out of good story in which they are main character (deluded).

I'm very sorry you are going through this. When I went through it, I honestly felt like my soul was being torn apart. I got past that feeling, but I've never been quite the same. There's life before, and there's life after. It's a massive black line diving one's life.

I don't think it's necessarily about closure. I think sometimes you just want them to know how much devastation they caused.
The OW in my case knew he was married. He did feed her lies like we weren't sleeping together but I also saw messages from her acknowledging that he risked losing his family over it and that she felt bad.
I suppose that means I should understand she was conflicted.
However, DS really struggled with the split. He started acting up in school and crying each time he had to say goodbye so he could spend time with the other parent.
Years on, he still asks me if me and his dad can get back together.
Sure, it was xh who ultimately failed him but she knew her affair and breaking up our marriage would hurt a child and she did it anyway.
Her actions contributed to a huge amount of pain for a five year old and I have no sympathy for her that she felt bad about it, because she still chose her pleasure over the cost of hurting my son.
We're all adults and are responsible for the choices we make.
I've never contacted her because I want to keep things amicable with xh for ds's sake but I would love to tell her what I think of her.

All good advice and things to think about.
Makes me more confused though. I do want them to realise the hurt caused.
I hope I can bounce back and not have it hanging over me forever .

Winter tbh if there’s stuff your husband has lied about to the ow then I’d tell her ...Obvs it’s up to you but from the POV of someone who was an ow it would have been a deal breaker for me

For example if he’s said your marriage was unhappy and it wasn’t then he’s a complete shit and doesn’t deserve either of you

I think expectations of marriage in a time when we don't just survive and churn out children are unrealistic and in need of revision. If you grow change and develop in the same direction as your spouse for 50+ years then luck plays a major part. If one person feels the relationship is over (but the other doesn't) there can be 101 reasons why it's very difficult to communicate about it.OW are not necessarily the devil incarnate, and affairs are not the beginning of a problem.

Affairs may not be the beginning of the problem Stella60 but the problem should be sorted between the 2 in the relationship without a third party.

Problem is op, what you want and what will happen are 2 different things
I guess you could tell her once and once only the hurt that you've been caused. Will it do anything? Doubtful. Sadly
It's torturous wanting an answer and wanting people to understand the pain they've caused.
But there is no real answer other than time

@Wintersnow17
Say Nothing. There will be an expectation that you will say something. OW will be nervous about this so say nothing. Let the OW be on edge that bit longer. If you say anything you will the crazy ex.
Not nice, not fun but leave it and find your own version of peace. Moving on with dignity will be the best revenge. Difficult to do but very empowering

I understand your confusion, because you wouldn't have done this. You would have not wanted him because he wanted to betray his family. You would not have wanted to be part of that.

But there are very much two camps among women, and I've only really grasped and accepted this myself over the last couple of years. There are women who would immediately stop interacting with a man if he had a partner and was attractive - they would see him as dangerous and not like his betrayal of his partner in even showing he fancied someone else. And there are women who literally don't care - some of them even enjoy the intrigue and challenge.

I truly think some of us are decent and some are just selfish cows.

You should allow yourself to feel really good about being a decent person, and not waste your precious time and emotion on people who just aren't as nice as you. You have been horribly betrayed and abused, effectively emotionally attacked, by people who are just mean and selfish. Why did the OW do it? Because her own satisfaction was more important to her than any feelings you might have had. Why did he do it? Because he wanted the OW more than you and didn't care about your feelings enough to spare you the betrayal. It is awful. Horrendous. And there is no defence again straight abuse except to remove yourself from the firing line.

In time you will stop feeling so raw, but you will never be able to justify what has been done, because there is no good justification for it. It was just selfish. They met, wanted each other, and went off together.

I'm so sorry, because it is so hard to be the one left behind like this. I do hope you have people around you who can comfort and help you. And probably the best thing is to face to the reality of what has happened, so you can start putting it behind you. Every day is a day further away from it. And to a new future. With someone decent who would never want anyone apart from you.

I think even though we know it's the DP who had let us down, deep down we hate the OW/OM more than the DP because he or she has left you for someone "better". You're not good enough for him/her anymore.
And because of this jealousy we hate the OW /OM even more. However, there are some strong minds who move on fast and thank the stars they haven't spent years with a lier.

It's really difficult and I think my DS still hasn't gotten over her ex even though he is now married with two children. He told my DS he would never get married in his life as it's not necessary.

Well I'm the OW... and I don't know what to say? My affair has been a fast paced one but also at the same time it's had two very definite stages. When he first approached me, I was in for the rush, I was tired with my marriage (I'm now divorcing) , and I thought he just wanted sex. In my head I thought, if I end up divorcing it ain't that bad if I end up having awesome sex, then maybe it will make my marriage more bearable. His wife (who is a friend of a friend) never even crossed my mind at that stage.
Ten days later everything changed... He decided ~I was the love of his life and we were meant to grow old together. That's when I felt guilt for the first time. Because I knew I would be heart broken If I was her and read 10% of the things he wrote to me. The difference is that he never really portrayed her as a bitch... Yes, they didn't get along at times but he's always maintained that overall she doesn't deserve it. He's said he's sure she actually loves him but he doesn't love her back... that he at least owes her an amicable split. In his mind we're not even an affair.... we're a couple who "are meant to be but can't be together just yet".

Tistheseason17 I hope she's on edge and yes I can see your point about being the crazy ex etc. Moving on with dignity is the best way of course but so difficult when you don't know what lies have been told. I really feel like publicly shaming them- they work together but don't know what they have told colleagues- what lies they've told to justify their actions .
Koala you talk a lot of sense. They are selfish and met and went off with each other. It's just so hard to swallow.

Yes I think there is some jealousy. I know I spent a long time looking at photos of her to see what was so special about her. When I asked him, he said she wasn't better at all, she was just someone different and not allowed, which made the relationship exciting even if she herself was not.

And to the pp who said that there must be something wrong in the marriage for a man to stray : not always. But even if there is something wrong, the married couple stands a better chance of sorting it out if they can talk, seek counselling and fully ficus on reconnecting with each other.

They stand no chance whatsoever if he is in the heady lustful early stages of an affair, exciting sex on tap, a secret binding the affair couple together and taking him mentally even further away.

The affair is glorious technicolour while the wife is washed out sepia in comparison, everything she does begins to irritate him, past arguments and faults are dredged up as justification. She senses a change in the temperature of the marriage and becomes clingy or mistrustful or withdrawn or accusatory; the affair is the nail in the coffin and I have no idea why any woman would want to insert herself into that, especially when children are involved.

nite, nobody believes in soulmates beyond the age of 14 do they? I'd be wary of that one, he sounds like a dick. Declaring love after ten days? Run a mile!

Women believe the bullshit some men spout. I was the OW when I was young, ended up having an 8 year relationship with the moron believing I was happy. I was stupid and could never trust him, even though I told myself I could. I know what a real relationship feels like now!

I at a very young (20) was the OW , I never wanted him to leave his partner I was with him as I was grieving and did not want a proper relationship. I didn’t really think about her that much in all honesty , they didn’t have any kids and actually went on to marry and have two kids many years after we split .
I felt it was his wrong and his guilt but I was young and very messed up and hurt.
I’m much older and married now , I have never cheated in the last 18 years and actually have never cheated on anyone in my life. My husband has cheated I think on everyone else he has been with! However I’m the only person he has a child with and married . I think we are pretty happy but never trust anyone 100% .
He works in an industry with lots of late nights and close relationships however the loyalty he holds and I hope he does is all about his responsibility. No one else . If he cheated it would be a natural instinct to blame the women involved but really it would be his betrayal and his breaking of marriage vows .
I wouldn’t forgive. Simply as I know it would lead me to having a stressful questioning life that would ultimately be unhappy .
Sorry for the hurt you are experiencing.

You are better off without him OP!