Question to the OW

[Wintersnow17]

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW.

I feel betrayed, devastated, sad beyond belief.

So I have questions in all honesty to anyone out there who is the OW.

How do you justify it to yourself?
What is it that makes you do it?
How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?
I really want to know to try to stop tying myself up in knots.

And I know it's not just the OW but you see your DH but not the OW.

You'd feel good about writing the letter until you find out they discussed it and he lied his way out of it and they're both discussing you as the bitter ex.

And , then you'd be back to square one again. Unfair, but stick with maintaining dignity - they can't take it from you x

Four former very good friends have all had affairs with married men or men in relationships.

What they have in common are these views:

• that they aren't cheating anybody
• they (as the OW) deserve some happiness
• If they (the man) were happy then they wouldn't cheat (the wife partner getting some blame for not keeping him happy)

-Its love / meant to be -The intrigue adds spice and the 'look what he risks to be with me, he must really like me.'

All through my 20s and 30s they trotted out this shit. As a young girl whose mum suspected my dad of having an affair and how it ate up ate her, I hated being witness to it all.

Because I've got a big gob, I've challenged them and have got short shrift back. One wife tried to commit suicide..... and yet my friend persistsed. She sleeps with male friends too, those in relationships.

I would also say that all these woman have always desperately needed male attention / a man on the go, as long as it was a man, didn't matter whose.

These women are no longer in my life, and strangely, I'm the only one with kids and a family.

I think I was played for a fool like his wife was. He was a pillar of the community type, had worked in a public facing job where honesty is very important and so I didn't believe he could act in an inherently dishonest way.

So some things were implied and other things I imagined but I seriously thought his marriage was over and we'd very soon be publicly together. Turns out that wasn't his intention but by then he'd told me he loved me and I was holding on in there in the hope that he'd leave.

I thought about his wife the whole time. I'm not proud of what I did but I was very naive and too trusting.

I was 19, A was 31. His wife, S, and I were good friends, she was a lovely person who was like a big sister to me. Their marriage had obvious problems due to the stress of a failing business, among other things.

I was completely infatuated with A, a fact which must have been obvious to him. He instigated the relationship, which continued for 18 months. He was my first real boyfriend, and we fell in love.

Eventually S found out that her husband and one of her best friends had both betrayed her. Their marriage ended very badly, and I was so overwhelmed by the situation that I moved away and never saw or spoke to either of them again.

I was not the cause of their marriage ending, but I was the catalyst. At the time, I knew what I was doing and that it couldn't end well but I was so besotted that there was no way I could have said 'no' to him. I'm not proud of my actions, and the only thing I will say in my defence was that I genuinely wouldn't have got involved if they had had children.

Hate this whole kill the bitch rage against OW.

Did you marry the OW? Share a bed with OW? Exchange vows with OW? Get a mortgage with OW? Exchange I love you with OW?

Unless she's your sister or mother she has no loyalty to you.

If your husband was to ask you back you would forgive him in a heart beat but you would resent and hate the OW forever. What does that really say about you ?

Missonihoni

It says you are a human being with feelings...something the OW clearly does not have the common decency to comprehend. Blame/anger can be directed at 2 people at once, anger re an affair is not just born by one person but all parties involved. Yes an OW owes no loyalty to a wife but in terms of human kindness falls very short knowing the devastation her (and his) actions will cause.

That's rubish. Situations like this make me embarrassed to be a woman.

Crikey thats a strong reaction. We are all entitled to our feelings and you seem rather defensive. Perhaps you have never been in a situation where compassion to another human being is needed.

That's rubish. Situations like this make me embarrassed to be a woman.

That's ridiculous. How on earth does disliking someone who was knowingly involved in a uniquely intimate betrayal make you embarrassed to be a woman? That makes no sense.

Anyone who does what they want knowing that someone else will get hurt is a selfish individual, and I think very little of them, whether they're male or female, cheating partner or OW.

And no, most of us wouldn't take a cheater back. He's not exactly the prize there.

Unless she's your sister or mother she has no loyalty to you.
Loyalty, no. Of course not. And that narrative is odd.
I'm not owed loyalty from the vast majority of colleagues and acquaintances or even strangers, but I will think less of them if they do something they know will hurt me.

Not having sex with someone else's spouse behind their back is kind of a minimum threshold for being a considerate human being.

I was the OW and now, almost 10 years since meeting DH, am very happily married to him. Our relationship was meant to be from my perspective, but the way we met has certainly influenced our relationship - we work hard to maintain a wonderful marriage to make all of the initial hurt that was caused worth something.

When we met, I was due to marry and he was married. I was 22 and he was 40 at the time so we were both at completely
different stages of our lives, yet we just clicked and got on exceptionally well. We worked extremely closely together and chatted about anything and everything whilst doing our day to day jobs-
eventually our chats included the problems in his relationship, as well as my wedding plans. It was completely innocent at first and very much a friendship. I had lots of other male friends in that workplace and he just happened to be someone who I had lots of laughs with. Looking back, I guess we developed an emotional affair after around 4 months. I knew he was married, and that there were issues in their relationship , and I refused to take the relationship further when he made it clear his feelings for me were developing rapidly - I initially didn't want to get involved with him in that way at all and felt sorry for his ex despite some of the things I had heard about her (which I can now confidently say, 10 years later, are true) . I often gave him advice about how he could try and make his marriage work in those early days before anything happened between us and really lessened our contact so we both had space. He quite evidently was completely besotted with me and embarked on months of trying to win me over. It was intense and flattering. He moved out of his marital home and I eventually called my wedding off. I did not rush into a relationship with him, but about a year after meeting, realised he meant more to me than I cared to admit. We then got together and too be honest, have never looked back since. We each accept the other's past and the role the past has played in establishing who we both are as people now.

His ex DID get in touch with me and essentially stalked me on social media for a long time. She was very threatening and I found her behaviour quite disturbing at times - it was only ever me who got the blame for her marriage breakdown . She started seeing someone else shortly after my DH moved out, and stayed with him for a few years, but her bitterness and obsessive attitude to our relationship and her ex have never waned. I have, over the years, lost any sympathy I once had for her as her behaviour following DH and I going public (nearly 2 years later and about 10 months after he had moved out and completely separated) was absolutely disgusting and eventually the police were called by my husband - she behaved liked a hysterical, psychotic nutter. She certainly blamed me and continues to do so, even though DH and I have now been together longer than they were.

My ex best friend was the OW. I can honestly say that in her situation, not one fuck was given for her OH's wife.
She wasn't sat there justifying their actions or wondering how they were going to live with themselves and that was that.
She almost convinced herself that she was the one being cheated on when OH was going back to his wife every night and when he went on holiday with his wife, and resented the wife for it. When the wife found out, ex best friend was angry that she wouldn't 'let go' and taunted her about the fact the wife couldn't have children. She was irritated at the wife being in the way of her happiness. In the end, she 'won' and had a baby with him.
They are very happy on social media but she's cut herself off from her old life, young children and friends, and puts up with his cheating.
I never think the OW should be blamed for men's adultery. It's 100% the man's fault, BUT it's no use trying to understand the role the OW played because some women are just cold, and won't be giving you a second thought.

@Missonihoni Hate this whole kill the bitch rage against OW

That hasn't happened on this thread. Did you get involved with some one else's husband and they got mad at you? It's a bit like stealing -- when you take things that aren't yours and act like they are yours, other people get really angry at you. Just cause and effect.

(I know humans aren't things, and that we don't "own" our spouses. It's a metaphor.)

I think that the kind of energy that we put out in the universe comes back at us, and fucking some one else's spouse is bad karma. Is it as bad as cheating on your own spouse? No, but it still shows a tremendous lack of care of how one's actions effect others.

Also some posters say why doesn’t the cheater “work on the marriage”

Sadly sometimes they just don’t want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsPworkingmummy I could have written your post! I've been reading this thread every day, there's some interesting views.
I don't believe being the OW puts you into an 'OW category'. Both DH and I always wish we had gotten together under different circumstances but we can't rewrite history and also can't help who we ACTUALLY fell in love with, as opposed to what we thought was love the first time.
For him, he had been with exW a long time, was the only real relationship he had had, and just thought ''this was life''. He wasn't unhappy, but in hindsight was never really happy. They had an unplanned baby, who he obviously adored, and he just assumed marriage was the next step, but his heart wasn't completely in it (although he didn't know that at the time).
I was in what I thought was a happy relationship, but looking back it completely wasn't. Otherwise I wouldn't have had my head turned. It's apparent now that me and my ex wanted different things from life. I will always feel guilt for the way it ended (I was also very young and naïve), but I can't regret it otherwise we wouldn't be where we are now.
Since being with my now DH, I always said I wasn't really interested in getting married, and it was him that was keen. I asked why, considering he had had one failed marriage, and he said this felt completely different to the first time round. Last time he thought it was what he had to do, this time it was what he wanted.
We have also never had any trust issues, strangely. Cheating on somebody once has put me off ever doing it again. I've told my DH from day one that if I ever felt like I could do that to him, I would have to tell him first. I could never ever put somebody through that again, not only for them but because, in a selfish way, it made me feel awful too. Even in the early days when I was happy with my new partner, I'd often cry for the pain I'd caused someone else.

@10twinkle Like you, we have no trust issues at all and are probably too relaxed and comfortable with each other if anything. I have always said, if one of us becomes unhappy, we will talk about it, but I wouldn't force the relationship if the love wasn't there. It would be over before the potential for an affair could start and i think we'd both be grateful for the relationship we've had. Saying that, I cant imagine us ever splitting up as I do think we make more of an effort with each other to keep our relationship strong and we are genuinely very happy together. X

Mrs p and 10twinkle I feel very similar to you both and have had a very similar experience (although I was single dh was married)

I definitely think ours were all exit affairs where our dhs were simply with the wrong person. It happens

I wish you both all the happiness in the world x

I have always said, if one of us becomes unhappy, we will talk about it, but I wouldn't force the relationship if the love wasn't there. It would be over before the potential for an affair could start and i think we'd both be grateful for the relationship we've had.

I found myself rolling my eyes at this.

Why wishing ? What’s the point dragging stuff out if the Love has gone

I couldn’t stand the sight of my eldests Dad by the end. No amount of talking / trying / working on it would have made us love eachother again. It was gone and I also didn’t even fancy him so no point flogging a dead horse

I hope I never get to that stage with dh but if I do i would rather be alone than unhappy

HorseItIntoMe

I’m recently divorced.

My instigation so clearly no desire to “drag things out”

@HorseItIntoMe thank you. You too x

@Wishingandwaiting Sorry I'm struggling to understand your posts x

I was an OW. I'll be 100% bluntly honest.

How do you justify it to yourself?
I didn't need to.

I knew him for a while. So By default I got to know her. They had been married since they left school.
He was incredibly unhappy. She was/is a horrific person who seemed to just want him to be unhappy no matter what he did. I didn't understand why he would stay with her, she was as ugly on the outside as she was inside. She would call him constantly and scream down the phone at him about things out of his control. All she wanted was material things that he got himself into debt for. She would regularly use his children to manipulate him.

We were friends, then best friends, we developed "feelings" that turned into innocent flirting. Innocent flirting turned into love. I told him I wouldn't be the OW and he left her. We took things slowly and dated and he was wonderful. It was so clear he had never so much as had a cup of tea made for him in the morning. It broke my heart. Then I saw some of the messages she would send him and other things and I'm so glad I was the catalyst that got him out of that. Even if I wasn't the one he went on to remarry, I'm glad he could be happy because he deserved it.

What is it that makes you do it?
You're assuming women who end up as OW have deliberately sought out to be an OW. Sometimes it doesn't end up like that. You also have to accept that the OW isn't the one that promised to be with you.

I certainly didn't think "omg, yes let's split them up" how powerful am I?! The fact that he was married was awful and unfair.

How can you live with yourself knowing what it does to the other person?

Easily. I'm not a particularly attractive or spectacular human being. I didn't bait him, we just fell together and were very happy for a long time.

And she's a toxic dump of a human. I hope no she never inflicts herself on another person again.

This probably doesn't help you, and you're probably hurting. I know I hurt when I was cheated on, but I never blamed the OW because it was such a waste of energy. If it hadn't have been her, it would have been someone else.