I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

[Toomanylipbalms]

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

I also never said my dp fed me lines about his marriage. In fact while in the affair neither of us discussed our spouses at all.

I found out much later from my dsds, what life had been like, well before I was around.

I also never said my dp fed me lines about his marriage. In fact while in the affair neither of us discussed our spouses at all.

This really doesn't make it better. And it's part of why affairs are so devastating to the cheated on partner. It's the casualness of the betrayal and lack of concern about the hurt that might arise.
You didn't even discuss it. So you didn't know then whether she would be fine or devastated, and presumably didn't care enough to ask. Good grief.

@OrionsGirl

Me coming into her then husband's life had no bearing on the state of their relationship.

Relationship, especially long term relationships can be hard. Life and all its stressors and strains can take a toll and leave it fragile. So when somebody new enters the equation this can completely upset this relationship because it offers one spouse a way out or rather a chance to turn away from their spouse and the relationship. One might say that 'oh well their relationship was shitty, on the way out anyway' but was it? It might have faired better without somebody else's intervention so the couple could work their problems out in their own time.

Toanylipbalms- please tell him to sort himself out first , if you are both in love you will wait and he should have the decency to sort out what he wants without imbolving you. Agree to no contact while he sorts his life out. Meanwhile get on with your own life.
My DH had an affair and is now with the OW. I cannot describe the pain I'm still going through , the utter devastation of betrayal and the hate I feel for the OW. Please don't be that person .

My DH had an affair and is now with the OW. I cannot describe the pain I'm still going through , the utter devastation of betrayal and the hate I feel for the OW. Please don't be that person.
^^

• For anyone trying to justify or diminish the unbelievable pain of affairs, this is the reality when you are the partner who has been cheated on.

I'm so sorry you are going through this winter and wish you well. It takes a long, long time, but you can recover from this.

Impeach, do you really think it would be easier if a partner just left you because they wanted you? Ended your marriage with no impetus other than that they didn't want to be with you? Because threads on this board would say otherwise. I've read, time and again, "If he'd been having an affair I would understand it and it would be easier, but to leave me for nothing?"... paraphrased but that is the gist.

When an affair is the reason for the split then an extra person is available for blame to be apportioned by the betrayed person, that's the only difference that I can see.

Affairs are exactly like a bomb going off but they're not all doing exactly the same to every relationship. It never makes for justification of behaviour, affairs are always wrong - yet they're not always the reason for somebody to leave as posters like to remind OW here all the time.

The other trope that is always posted here is about that 'vacancy'. As if men hold the 'upper hand' in a relationship. They don't. There are two people in it. To leave a marriage is a serious thing and from people around me or that I know of - they've caused enormous damage and pain to be together so they cherish what they have. Somebody who doesn't and has broken up their marriage for somebody that they won't stay with either - had NO respect for their first marriage either.

Sometimes people marry for life and are happy(ish) for life. Others don't fare so well and are not particularly suited at the point when another person becomes a catalyst for the unhappy person to leave their marriage. They may be very well suited and live out the rest of their days in happiness. I know that's hard to read but the tripe that gets posted and the clichés, do nothing to help a betrayed spouse because they see the reality, ie. nothing bad happening to cheating ex and how is that fair? And it becomes a bit of an obsession for some which is hugely destructive to them.

x-posted with you Impeach

My issue with affairs is that they impact consent. My first husband cheated on me, I had no idea and was having regular unprotected sex with him. I didn't own him but I had been led to believe, through our marriage vows and his words, than we were in an exclusive, monogomous relationship. I wouldn't have carried on having sex with him, or made certain big financial decisions, if I had known that he was secretly seeing another woman. My ability to make informed decisions about my own life and health was taken away by the lying and sneaking around of others. I feel that I was massively violated.

stich - same. My ex cheated more than once, and didn't use protection. Where were my rights? What care did he show to my body, my health?

As the person who is cheated on you live under a total falsehood. Your life is not what you believe it to be and you are unwittingly played for a total fool. The utter lack of respect he showed towards me was such a kick in the teeth.

He bought an expensive wanky car using our savings and investments (with my agreement ) because it would 'cheer him up' when in actual fact it was to impress affair girl and shag her in it.

We bloody needed that money months later when splitting up and having to find solicitor costs etc.

It's horrible Impeach. My ex caught chlamydia during his affair, told me his antibiotics were for a chest infection. When it all came out I went from happily trying for a baby to requiring STI tests. There is currently another thread about the issue of 'stealthing' (secretly removing the condom during sex) which is classed as rape because you can consent to sex with certain conditions only. To me what cheating spouses do when they introduce a third party into the sex life of an unsuspecting spouse is similar to this.

stitch that's awful! How are you now?

There you go folks- that's the reality of having sex with someone else outside of the marriage and lying to your spouse about it.

It totally removes that persons rights and choices.

Dress it up how you want - true love, fate, destiny ... whatever. But broken hearts and sexual health scares are the reality for the faithful partner. It's the grubby, sordid reality of what cheaters do, it isn't the Notebook, it really isn't Hollywood.

I'm fine now thanks, luckily I didn't get pregnant and I haven't seen him in several years. I have two kids and a great partner now! But it could have been different. I could have caught an STI, I could have fallen pregnant before discovering the truth. The financial decisions certainly had a long lasting impact.

So no, whoever said it earlier, I didn't think I 'owned' my spouse. I do think I was owed the truth about my life however. In fact I would say it is the cheating spouse who thinks they 'own' the person they are betraying, otherwise why would they treat them like a prop, and take away their control and rights?

Nobody's saying that, Impeach, not one person on the this thread has downplayed or minimised your pain and anguish. I've been through it myself. I can't speak to your feelings but I know my own.

Your choices and rights were removed by your spouses. No more no less than that. Your spouses had the power and the responsibility to protect you from pain and they CHOSE not to.

I don't think anybody needs telling or lecturing about it because we all know. An OW will not be listening to you or anybody else on the evils of affairs if she's posting here. The rest of us know the truth of what you're speaking of.

@Bibbidee yes, I'm sure it's like that sometimes, of course it is. It's just not like that every time. They had had a decade of a 20 year relationship to resolve their issues. They were entrenched. If they'd had a healthy relationship they would have resolved their problems or separated in that time. They didn't.

Yes, I think it was better for his then wife that they separated. But of course it would have been better for her if he'd had the courage to leave before he met me. Better for them both.

I don't claim that my experience means that's the way it is for everyone. So often those who have been treated and continue to be treated appallingly claim their experience means that every other situation must be like theirs.

Hence 'the script' and other tropes like 'creating a vacancy'. I don't deny anyone else's experience. I gave my perspective in the hope it might help the OP if she was in a similar situation, as a counterpoint to the tropes.

And despite claims to the contrary, not all long term couples are having sex with each other.

@OrionsGirl

They had had a decade of a 20 year relationship to resolve their issues. They were entrenched. If they'd had a healthy relationship they would have resolved their problems or separated in that time. They didn't.

But how do you know these details? Did you hear it from his ex wife or him?

do you really think it would be easier if a partner just left you because they wanted you? Ended your marriage with no impetus other than that they didn't want to be with you? Because threads on this board would say otherwise. I've read, time and again, "If he'd been having an affair I would understand it and it would be easier, but to leave me for nothing?"... paraphrased but that is the gist

FFS seriously, you really have to ask that? You sound like you're trying to justify your selfish actions.

My ex left when our DD wasn't even a year old, it was sad but we both accepted it and I was doing well, just getting on with it, feeling optimistic about the future etc. 6 weeks later, I then found out he was in fact with another woman and it had been going on while we were together. I can't even begin to tell you the damage, hurt and raw pain this causes to a person...so yes, just leave, don't fuck about.

And despite claims to the contrary, not all long term couples are having sex with each other

That really is another part of the script. My ex told the OW this, the reality was we were ttc baby no. 2...ironically he was more keen than me.

Cup, your opinion isn't shared by every other poster affected by affairs whatever you think. I agree with you that it's better to leave without there being anybody else in the picture but that isn't always the case, is it.

You don't need to tell me of your pain because I went through it myself and I know that it will have affected you as you say - and more. Your circumstances though are not the blueprint for other people's relationships; yours ended by mutual agreement albeit there was an OW. Some people are just 'left', or gaslighted or abused or a combination of everything - and then there was or wasn't an OW at the end of it or at some point.

What I'm saying is that there's not a 'league table', in my opinion and nobody's keeping score. It's a horrendous thing for a relationship to end and people have the right to feel the way they do about that.

I won't disagree with you though that my own actions as an OW were entirely selfish. I wouldn't behave like that again. If I tell you that it caused me damage and pain also then I hope that helps, because it did.

x-posted with you Cup

Frothy - yup. My ex told his affairs we weren't having sex anymore and slept in separate rooms. Utter bull.

A cheater, Orion is a liar. What on earth makes you so sure of the details of his relationship with his then wife? Because he told you so ? Therefore it MUST be true?

You ARE reading from a script.

She was better off without him.

Their relationship was shit

They weren't having sex.

All told to you presumably by her cheating husband?

Sounds like you are trying to justify what you both did but it doesn't wash.

I see on another thread you have the nerve to complain that you were kept 'invisible' from your partners life - friends, family, social events etc because you got together after he had recently left his wife and he didn't want people to think you were responsible for him leaving.

Yet here you are on this thread happily explaining that you were the OW and he left his wife for you?!

So you are about as truthful as him, and re-writing what actually happened according to who you are conversing with.

I'll ask you again, how did his wife take the affair? Are you on good terms? Does she thank you for ending her useless marriage for her in the way you did?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

What are you talking about? I'm sharing my experience, same as others. Is it just you that's allowed to do that? Are you the thread monitor?

What are you playing at?! Find a man with better morals and have a look at your own while you're at it.

Cup, don't be ridiculous. Where have I told you that you can't post? I was responding to your post; you don't like what I've said, that's all.

@Bibbedee as you'd expect, mostly from him which is inevitable as he's my partner and we've talked a lot about both of our past relationships in the context of why they ended, what we did wrong, what we've learned, how we can avoid making the same mistakes with our relationship and so on.

He's never blamed her, the opposite - he felt very guilty, very much the bad guy. Feelings that had kept him in the relationship for so long.

But, we've been together for some time now and nothing I've heard or seen from his family and his and their friends or indirectly from her has contradicted what he's told me and there are facts that are just that, facts.

Anyway, this thread isn't about me, happy though I've been to answer genuine questions, I'm bowing out now.