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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
MrsPrimAndProper · 05/01/2018 22:34

I have a friend who has been single for near on 20 years. I don't know how she feels about that. I think she'd rather have found someone but she has a great life. A v different life to mine, but a very fulfilling, independent life.

When you've got over the shock perhaps take some time to think about what you want from your life, as it is. Are you happy in your work? Do you exercise? Do you meet people? Do you have hobbies? Forget finding a relationship and concentrate on finding yourself.

flutterby12 · 05/01/2018 22:43

Op well done on texting him. You can't help who you fall in love with but do the right thing and cut him loose Thanks

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/01/2018 22:49

You've done the right thing. Fair play to you.

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 05/01/2018 22:59

Sorry...

Am struggling to find anything kind to say to you.

My ex had affairs and we split after the last one. The OW knew he was married and had children. I will never forget my children's faces when we told them their Daddy was moving out. My youngest still cries going between houses at times. 5 years on.

There is a thread going currently where an OP is literally on the floor with grief having just found out her husband is having an affair. They have 3 children.

Women who go into relationships with married men, especially those with children don't deserve any sympathy. It's the wives and children whose entire lives are turned upside down who need it. You have no idea the upset and turmoil that divorce brings, particularly where someone's heart has been smashed to pieces because the person they loved has betrayed them.

Put on your big girl pants, stop this joke of a 'relationship' and find yourself someone of your own.

ShatnersWig · 05/01/2018 23:09

impeach if you'd bothered to read the full thread, you'd see the OP apparently has put a stop to it...

boydoggies · 05/01/2018 23:16

Hey, OP, well done. You're now in control of your life and destiny. It's a great place to be. You'll have learned not only your weakness but your strengths too. Enjoy what lies ahead and remember none of us are perfect specimens. Happy new year and God bless.

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 05/01/2018 23:17

I did read it.

And yes, saw that she has supposedly ended it.

But still checking and looking for replies from him? I hope she sticks to it. She doesn't sound particularly committed to ending it. Hope for everyone's sake I'm wrong.

Solly76 · 05/01/2018 23:17

Good for you. You have done the right thing. You deserve better. It is going to be hard for you, I know that from experience. In time you will be glad that you didn't accept this from him.

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 05/01/2018 23:19

I did read it.

And yes, saw that she has supposedly ended it.

But still checking and looking for replies from him? I hope she sticks to it. She doesn't sound particularly committed to ending it. Hope for everyone's sake I'm wrong.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 23:23

Yes I am still checking for replies because pathetic as it makes me I would like that he hasn’t used and dropped me but this isn’t th case it seems. This wasn’t just a bit of fun for me where I try to see if I can lure a poor defenceless husband from his family. He made me believe we had a real chance.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 23:28

I'm sure we all hope that, Impeach for her sake as well as his DW and DC but sadly I feel the MM will simply look for another gullible woman. Hopefully OP will finely tune her scumdar now.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 23:39

my sister just came home and I told her and she’s made me feel better. Thanks everyone for your help. I’ll allow myself one look at my phone in the morning and then block him for good.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 05/01/2018 23:41

No matter what DO NOT REPLY to his text....

LemonShark · 06/01/2018 00:06

You've come a long way in changing your opinion, perspective and plans in such a very short space of time, OP!

NoMudNoLotus · 06/01/2018 00:07

I hope it stays ended.

Women like you who have relationships with married men who have children are nothing but family wreckers .

Please go & find your own life. Dont steal other peoples.

StuntEgg · 06/01/2018 00:29

Women like you who have relationships with married men who have children are nothing but family wreckers .

That is unfair. It's the men who are the family wreckers, as they shouldn't even be thinking about getting involved with an OW, but if they are, it's hardly the OW's fault. Yes, she has a reponsibility to walk away as soon as she knows her's married, but the marriage was wrecked the moment he started casting an eye about.

I say this as the child of a unfaithful father who couldn't keep his trousers zipped and had several affairs, all entirely instigated by him. He even got engaged to one while still married to my mum, but this OW had no clue he was married with children. She dumped him the second she found out, as she was no "family wrecker". She was a victim too. My dad was the family wrecker.

UnitedKungdom · 06/01/2018 00:39

Stunt, slight difference here is that OP knows well golf the wife and kids existence so she is in fact consciously involved in wreaking a family. Granted it's not her family but still she is doing this to the wife and children.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 00:45

I think there are people who go after with people already in relationships just for the drama and the challenge but I think the vast majority are not like that whether it’s through not knowing they are in a relationship or sheer depth of feeling and chemistry. Is hard to control your feelings. It really does take a hell of a lot of strength to turn away. Sometimes these feelings develop before anything has actually happened, sometimes not.
Nothing is as clear cut as they did a bad thing, they’re awful people. There are plenty of immoral acts or acts of criminality that whilst inexcusable, can be understandable.

TemptressofWaikiki · 06/01/2018 00:58

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MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 01:10

I do wonder how many posters on here who haven’t been cheated on but are vehemently against any form of cheating watch a film like The Notebook and think “it’s so romantic”.

crazycatgal · 06/01/2018 01:11

I'm sorry OP but you were very gullible to believe that this man was going to leave his family for you. He was using you for sex and the fact that he hasn't bothered replying to you after this text shows that.

Hopefully you won't make another mistake like this again.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/01/2018 02:51

I just wonder if he hasn’t replied because his poor wife saw the latest text. If he texts you in the morning and tells you he’s leaving her for you, you can be sure it’s because she kicked him out.

StuntEgg, i’m also the child of a cheating father, however his OW were well aware of it. He was a coward and would never have left if he didn’t have open arms to run to. She was absolutely a home wrecker, as was he.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/01/2018 02:51

I will add though, he only left when he was found out.

Dozer · 06/01/2018 08:32

The Notebook is shite!

“He made me think we had a chance”. There was no “we” and it was not down to the fates. He is married with DC and not free to date you, or anyone: had he wanted to be free he could have. This isn’t a film or TV romance.

Really hope you do resist contacting him - there are threads in relationships on that - and have a better 2018.

Suspect he might get in touch to “talk” next time he’s down for work. Keeping you in your time/life slot for him. No point in talking/meeting unless he is single, which he won’t be. And even should he become single and still want you, rather than someone local, you’d be going in with eyes open about his willingness and ability to lie and cheat.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 08:54

The Notebook is shite but that wasn’t the point.

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