I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

[Toomanylipbalms]

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

Agerbilatemycardigan thank-you, that is the exact thread I was referring to.

How did you ‘end up’ here?

Are you prepared to live up near where his children live now?

If you aren’t, how do you see this working out? Him moving down to London permanently? Could you live with a man that could abandon his kids like that?

He’s a wimp. IF he wanted to be with you, he’d tell his wife it was over There’s no such thing as easing into a separation. She will know things aren’t right, but he’ll be fobbing her off. He’ll be making her feel she can’t trust her instincts. Her kids will hear her crying.

IF you two star crossed lovers just have to be together, then tell him he has to man up and tell his wife OR stop it. Don’t continue to a) facilitate him hurting his wife like this and b) treat you like you’re thicker than mince.

He’s trying to have his cake, eat it & put a slice in the freezer.

Honestly, if he was that scared of losing you and really loved you, he’d tell his wife & leave her.

I read a quote the other day ‘If you are choosing between me & someone else, please choose them, I deserve better’.

Don’t YOU deserve better?

(His wife definitely does)

I don't think you are evil, or a witch. And I don't believe all affairs follow the script. But I do believe the vast majority of affairs do end in carnage and tears with broken hearts and lives. I also believe its extremely likely he is spinning you a line and that he won't leave his family, but you probably won't believe that until its too late. Don't let this man have his cake and eat it. Have some dignity and tell him to come back to you when he is free, and fgs don't waste your child bearing years on him if you want children. And really, do you actually want someone who will do this to his wife and kids? I bloody wouldn't!

Well men do get divorced and marry the woman they have affairs with. But a lot of them do like to have their cake and eat it and tell loads of lies in the meantime. Would take with a bucket of salt him saying wife and him just friends, separate bedrooms yah di yah di yah. Sounds like he's learnt the script.

Only time will tell if he leaves his wife. Tell him bye for now come back when you've separated from your wife.

Even If he is in love with you (like he was with his wife once upon a time) and he leaves her and sets up home with you, what do you think will happen in a few years time? When grabbing a quick exciting forbidden shag turns into quite nice 3 or 4 times a week shag in amongst all the every day drudgery, probably very much like he has/had with his wife before you and him hooked up.

You will become the comfy taken for granted quite nice partner sat at home whilst he gets his kicks from exciting quick shag in stolen opportunities behind your back with the new person that will take the place you currently have in his life.
Once a cheat pretty much always a cheat.

I think you should piss on his bonfire and tell him to fuck off!

Yes, you are.

I honestly don’t think once a cheater always a cheater, no do I think a cheating married man is just sex. Sure plenty of the time it is but others it’s not.

Either way though, this will hurt. Far better for you to be with him if/when he’s single but that doesn’t mean you should put yourself on hold for him either.

He might leave - it does happen that there are overlaps in relationships -morally unacceptable but still a reality for some - but he might not.
Don’t stay in the current situation much longer. It is awful for everyone.

You may have to issue an ultimatum. However you can only do this once - so make absolutely sure you are ready to leave him if you do issue one and he doesn’t finish his existing relationship. The dishonesty will diminish you and him so don’t hang about.

If he does leave make sure you support as best you can his continued parenting of his children.

I feel very sad for you, I've never found myself in this position.

My advice to you would be to dump him - stop playing extra-shag-on-the-side to his wife. Find someone who puts you first.

So when he comes to london for work/a quick shag , do you stay at his work paid for hotel with him, or does he cosy up at yours? If he stays over at yours then what does he do with his expenses? if you stay in his hotel then you do realise that everyone at his work probably knows about you and it is only a matter of time before they tell his wife. must be a great feeling, being the subject of office gossip and smutty jokes.

Does he stay with you free of charge while in London and use you for free digs as well as some free digging or does he just pop round from his hotel when it suits him?

Do you have any kids of your own?

And how would you feel if you ended up pregnant by this man? Do you think he would stand by you?
I hope you are taking the lead on contraception.

I honestly think when this contract in London ends, you will likely be dumped / put on hold like the others.

How did you actually meet this man?
I suspect he will use the same technique, tactic / dating site for hook ups in every area he gets a contract.

Brings me no happiness in saying what I have but I too have just read another thread here tonight and I am saddened for the unknowing wife.

You can do so much better than this!

Ditch this scumbag who is just stringing you along for his pleasure and get back your self respect.

The big question is does his wife maybe have a right to know or will that be down to the next girl in your shoes with a conscience?

Can you think of anything that might your own self esteem, OP?

How's your family relationships? Your work-life, your friends? You need to look to yourself and wonder why you would put up with being on the periphery of this man's life - one of his secrets.

Think about it.

I don’t like the situation at all, but after being single / no real relationship for my twenties and all my thirties so far I feel like I have finally met someone who I could be with.

I will never move up north, he says he would live in London and go back on the weekends.

Go and read the live thread DH has been having an affair (which i have just seen a link for above]
READ how that poor woman is devastated with her cheating pig of a husband while her kids are tucked up in bed not knowing that their life is going to change irrevocably and that they may struggle and suffer emotionally for the rest of their lives because of their selfish Dad and the EQUALLY selfish other woman who KNOWS he is married with kids.

What is it with you women who merrily jump into bed with another woman’s husband because he tells you “ we don’t have sex anymore. We sleep in seperate rooms”?? Even if they DO it’s not your place to decide that their marriage is dead in the water and therefore it’s ok for you to take something which is already taken- by a woman and two innocent kids!
Frankly, I don’t know how you can look at yourself in the mirror without feeling incredible shame.
Why have you only told one person? Is it because you know that other people would be ashamed of you and/or feel utter contempt for you and your lack of morals?
Please, stop seeing this man and let him return to his wife and children.
Find yourself a Man that isn’t taken.
So much for sisterhood.

My ex husband told his mistress (Now wife) that we had our youngest child to fix our marriage ....... a marriage that wasn't broken, that was the envy of all who knew us, and we already had a baby anyway!

Years later, they argue constantly and have zero trust in each other.

I could never be with a man that leaves his children

He isn't sleeping in a separate bedroom and they are still having sex, when he's at home he acts like the perfect loving husband not her flat mate. They always say the same things and reel in someone like you, if he leaves her one day you will know exactly how she feels.

Kick him into touch, take some time out and be nice to yourself because you deserve better.

I don’t like the situation at all, but after being single / no real relationship for my twenties and all my thirties so far I feel like I have finally met someone who I could be with.

OK - I'll repeat my question.

Can you think of anything that could up your self esteem?

Why are you in such doldrums that you will accept being on the periphery of this man's life, and one of his secrets?

Wouldn't you prefer to expand your horizons, be a bit fabulous for a bit, enjoy life, and find someone for whom you aren't a secret bit on the side?

He’s already told you when he’s planning to end it with you. His job isn’t moving back north in a few months - he’ll bin you off when he gets bored and find a new shag in London to peddle the same story to.

But why would you want to be with him?
Is it love?
If I was madly in love with him and him with me there would be nothing stopping us from being together. The love would be too great.
You do realise that you can never be number 1 priority. He has children. You will always have to compromise, you will never truly be able to just relax and be in love.
Surely you deserve to be number 1. Not number 4 or is it even 5?
You don't put yourself first so why would he?

*At the very least, if you really feel this life-sucking scum-bucket of a cheating man really is the one for you - please tell him that you will next see him when he is single and available.

When he’s in London his work let’s him expense the hotel and we stay there as I live with my sister who doesn’t want him around. Sometimes he comes just to see me though and we have been away for a weekend together. Like I say I do not like the situation, but I feel like I must put my happiness first and see if this is the relationship that will work for me.

but I feel like I must put my happiness first and see if this is the relationship that will work for me.

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind anyway so why are you here?

It won't be the relationship that works for you - for the very reason that he puts his wife first. You're the bit on the side.

If he then says he's left his wife and just going back to see his kids at the weekend where will he be staying? I'll bet they wont have split up, and he'll be telling his wife and kids he misses them like mad during the week.

I personally wouldn't want to be with a man who wants to abandon his young children and fuck off to London with another woman. He doesn't sound like a nice man and tbh he is probably spinning you a line.