I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

[Toomanylipbalms]

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

Lefty if the husband (or wife) has let somebody else into their marriage then the vows become a bit obsolete - and you're (as the non-affair partner) unwittingly in a 'triangle'.

I've never said that affairs are a good thing, they aren't. They're extremely destructive even if they come out 'to the good', a huge amount of damage is caused. When an OW posts here then largely she will be rounded on by posters who've been betrayed by their own partners. But she's (the OW) is not listening or even registering them. She's in her own 'bubble'. The only way to penetrate that is to talk about her situation from her perspective. Anything else is just 'noise'; which people are free to post but it won't achieve what they're earnestly trying to make it achieve.

Solly's posts on this thread have been excellent; they've focused on OP and her thoughts and if anything is actually going to make OP think and act, it will be those.

'Faulty moral compass' really means nothing; nobody is the arbiter of those and nobody is perfect - added to which people justify all sorts of behaviours, this is just one that particularly annoys women.

Mmmmm. And if your son proceeded to have children with such new woman, they are just as much your grandchildren as the first set. Would you spend your life being nasty and unwelcoming to their mother? Life isn't so black and white. Tons of grey in between.

Impeach but you cannot 'own' another person, even if you marry them. The law makes it unpalatable to leave marriages - kids, finances, house etc., added to which there is a loss of social circles, which matter to some people.

What is a fact is that men and women for whom their partnered life is all important to them, don't take the risks of throwing it all away for an affair. They just don't. I've said it before on threads and I know it's not comfortable to read but, the most gorgeous woman or man in the world could not cause someone to stray if they didn't choose to. It always starts there.

I don't think you are evil, or a witch. And I don't believe all affairs follow the script. But I do believe the vast majority of affairs do end in carnage and tears with broken hearts and lives. I also believe its extremely likely he is spinning you a line and that he won't leave his family, but you probably won't believe that until its too late. Don't let this man have his cake and eat it. Have some dignity and tell him to come back to you when he is free, and fgs don't waste your child bearing years on him if you want children. And really, do you actually want someone who will do this to his wife and kids? I bloody wouldn't!

I agree. If he's being truthful, push him away see if he comes back. You should end it anyway and let him end his marriage alone, if it's as bad as he says....if it isn't you've still got your answer.

No of course you don't own another person. But if you are in a marriage and you want to have your kicks elsewhere you should end the marriage. Too many people think they can have their cake and eat it.

And to say you can't leave a marriage because of social life, kids, money.. that's simple laughable! So let's pity the poor person who is married, but wishes to shag someone else but keep marriage because they have children and don't fancy losing friends or down sizing? Are you actually saying that they have no choice but to stay and cheat? Otherwise their lifestyle suffers? Absolutely ridiculous!

Stay in the marriage or leave and sleep with whoever you want to and suck up the consequences. It is utterly unfair on the faithful partner to do otherwise. Where are their rights? When their husband / wife is lying and covering their tracks to get their fun? Why not be honest and say I have met this person, I want to f*ck this person. And I'm going to? Because their spouse would in all likelihood kick them out, and rightly so!

People who have affairs lie because they want to keep their life on the one hand, and get their kicks elsewhere. And they lie because very few spouses would put up with that. Rightly so. And in the meantime the unsuspecting partner is living under the false notion that they have a faithful spouse.

I don't disagree with you, Impeach, not at all. It changes nothing though.

I've not RTFT but redjellybean's post at 23:33 on 04/01 nails it.

ExOW here now happily with the previously married man. Was very tough though and he had no kids.

And Lyingwitch..., as ever, speaks much sense.

orionsgirl - and how 'tough' was it on his wife? Did she cheerily wish you both well when it all came out, or did she have her heart smashed?

Did she get over it? Really hope so. Not really interested in how tough it was for you both! Your choice. She had no say in what was happening to her and her life

My Ex husband left me after 25 years for the OW.
They are still together, but she doesn't trust him at all.

It is utterly unfair on the faithful partner to do otherwise. Where are their rights?

I find this to be very overlooked when discussing affairs. Either the OW or the person having the affair come on here and start threads about their feelings, and their issues, and how difficult it all is for them. If the OP is a person having an affair, it’s all about ‘should I stay or should I go’ and so much advice is ‘end it, don’t leave your spouse’. You rarely see a response that buts the person being cheated on at the centre of all this. Why do they not get to make a choice about what happens? Society as a whole is complicit in affairs, I always feel. We focus on the wrong people. Ultimately, the people who have to live with it are the the cheated on person and the children. Family and friends to a lesser extent. So why do we waste so much fucking time with women like the OP who just couldn’t give one about anything other than themselves?

In fact, we go even further and make ‘no one knows what goes on in a marriage’ comments, further hammering home to the person being cheated on that whatever they may think and feel probably won’t be believed anyway. There’s a ‘no smoke without fire’ mentality and the cheaters get away with all sorts of shite in the immediate aftermath including ruining reputations, forcing friends to take sides and even ruining careers. It is so damaging to the person being cheated on her they’re supposed to smile and carry on. Crazy stuff.

Toomany, your too nice.

Your worth so much more than being his but of fun.

You say you live with your sister, how about you both go to the singles bar for a meal once a month, if you go out and meet more people you both have a more chances to meet someone. There are loads of apps that show you where people meet, for a meal, a walk or a tour, find someone worthy of your love...

ohreally but that's just not true, is it? There'a thread doing on at the moment where an OP is posting about her husband cheating on her and she's rightfully getting lots and lots of support there.

This OP is the OW and yes, the thread is about her, not from the perspective of the man involved or his wife.

I don't know what you mean by 'rights' exactly; a wife has 'rights' and those aren't changed by her husband having an affair but you can't make somebody stay faithful to you. It's up to them to do that, nobody else. You don't like hearing that 'nobody knows what goes on in a marriage' but it's true, you don't. Unless you are in that marriage you haven't no notion of it.

I've never heard 'no smoke without fire' though unless that refers to people having flings at work and then it applies to them, not the wife.

OW are free to post here and they do get jumped on, quite hard. There are few people who give them any kind of hearing at all, which is fair enough - but many posters lash out - which isn't fair at all.

If I were in a current state of sadness because of a betrayal, this would be the last thread that I'd post on. The title is really clear and nothing would induce me to open it. Posters are free to do that but if they do, it's on them if the content hits them on the raw. I wish they wouldn't - for their own sakes.

Impeach his wife deserved to be in a relationship with someone who loved her and would have no interest in being with anyone else.

Me coming into her then husband's life had no bearing on the state of their relationship.

Long story short, I ended things with him, he left, we ended up together.

She's far better off without him. I wished/wish her no ill. Not all OW hate/resent the wife.

Can somebody explain why it's so much better for the wife and children for the man to leave in order to start a different relationship, than it is for him to stay but cheat?

If this were true, he would have told the wife and would be building a life with you. I’m sorry, OP, I know that sometimes marriages are genuinely over, but in those cases, the men aren’t being secretive.

People are harsh on these threads OP but my suggestion is that you leave him - otherwise you will spend all your time on a relationship which is not really real - it is once a week. If he is genuinely unhappy and his marriage is falling apart then he needs to sort that out and have the decency to not treat you as an added extra when he is in town. Do not waste your life being the OW, it causes heartache on all sides

Orions girl... Same situation here too. I find this concept that we own the people we are married to in some way odd and bizarre.

My affair did not end a good marriage on either sides, it gave us the impetus to change our lives.
My dp may have stayed in a bloody miserable marriage, his exw would also have been miserable too.
Ideally they'd have separated before we met but they hadn't and that's life.
The op here posted for advice on her situation, and as it's such an emotional subject it got into a thread about the morales of affairs and marriages.

The op is thinking about her situation, I think she is most likely being duped but telling her she is a horrid slut of a woman is not going to help her make a change.

I hope for her sake she ends it until he can show up with divorce papers and a sensible plan for his children.

Same situation here too. I find this concept that we own the people we are married to in some way odd and bizarre.

No one owns anyone, however no one deserves to be deceived, lied to, left at home looking after DC whilst their partner is shagging someone else etc etc which is exactly what affairs do.

I didn’t know my husband was unhappy in our marriage until the last few months before I found out what he’d done - we had regular sex, we went out for meals, we bought furniture for our house & we carried on building a life together with our kids.

And all that time he was shagging a woman who knew he was married. And he fed her the cliched lines about a bad marriage that all married men feed their girlfriends - I know I’ve read his messages.

So as much as dividing up a 20 year life together will be a hellish situation for the whole family I could not stay with someone who lied so much to me. I deserve to be with someone who has respect for the relationship we are in & respect for everything we both bring to it.

Yes you do, 'ComeOnGordon, you absolutely deserve to be someone who treats you well and respectfully always. I'm sorry to read your post, hellish sounds a very good description of the mess your husband has wrought and you didn't deserve that.

OrionsGirl and theredjellybean

You both say the men you had affairs with told you they were 'miserable' in their marriages...that's part of 'the script' cheaters use. You both sound utterly naive.

I never said that Frothy.

(And nor did he).

Sorry to disappoint another devotee of 'the script' (not) - it's you who is being naive in thinking every situation is the same.

CupOfFrothyCoffee atvthe dame time there are people in miserable marriages that don’t have the confidence to end it. Cheating isn’t the right way to do it but there are in the instance you are going for, men who sleep in separate rooms from their wives, have no relations with them and have an affair. Not all are making it up. I have a friend who’s parents split when she was little but they still live together now in the same house.

OrionsGirl - I never said you hated your lovely man's ex - but my god you make it sound as though you and your partner did his ex-wife a favour in having an affair, and then him leaving her for you?

Does she see it that way? Did she find out? Was she upset? Or do those tiny insignificant details not matter to you?

And presumably, if he now finds someone he likes better than you and proceeds to have an affair, then leave you for new girl you will be totally OK with that because after all he couldn't been all that happy with you? No? Do you honestly think given his history that you are immune? Are you so different, so special that that could never, ever happen to you?

Of course relationships end and people fall out of love. But the end of a relationship when it is one-sided (i.e. not mutual) is devastating enough without throwing in the grenade of an affair! It makes a terrible situation far, far worse and much more painful and harder to get over than someone just leaving. If you think otherwise you are delusional.

I have a friend whose husband left her and their young child, out of the blue. She was devastated, didn't see it coming at all, he swore there was nobody else, and she was (just about) dealing with it when her husband was spotted canoodling up to his mistress in a pub 20 miles away. I cannot tell you the devastation that wrecked on her, her self confidence and self esteem.

If you are not happy, and want out, then be honest and leave - rather than dipping your wick elsewhere and jumping ship for something 'better'. So many men seem to do it this way - it is like they don't have the balls to leave until they have lined up a replacement. It is a shockingly poor way to treat their spouse.