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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
pallisers · 04/01/2018 23:19

Is he having his cake and eating it?

yes he is. This isn't going to end well.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2018 23:21

Where’s your self respect? Ditch him now. This won’t end well.

AlwaysPondering · 04/01/2018 23:21

Maybe what he says is true. But until he actually leaves his wife what is the point in seeing him? You'll likely end up hurt.

And he may be lying about his relationship. You can't be certain and surely it must feel shit that you are carrying on with a man who treats his wife so terribly?

IPokeBadgers · 04/01/2018 23:21

Walk away. There is a script for cheaters and he is following it. In answer to your question, yes, he absolutely is having his cake and eating it. Walk away now....no one will come out of this well if it continues.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/01/2018 23:26

I’ve been where you are. I was 16 and stupid. If I had my time again I would tell him to get fucked. He treated his wife and me horribly and the best thing that ever happened to me was not ending up with that arsehole. No one with any decency extracts themself from a relationship- however bad, loveless or sexless- by having an affair.

If I could do it all again I would walk away and have nothing more to do with the man who I loved but who thought so little of me and his wife that he essentially pitted us against one another. I know you’re in love but walk away from this. He’s a chancer.

SoleBizzz · 04/01/2018 23:26

Your gut instinct is correct. He is using you. You will ask yourself so.many questions about your gut instinct and doubt it very deeply but your gut instinct underneath it all will rise up and still say..he is using you. You wil learn the very hard way. You are addicted to the drama..

MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2018 23:27

You need to sack it off. If he divorces and gets back in contact that’s different but right now it’s nothing. None of this is good for the kids. If he doesn’t love his wife and want to be with her, he shouldn’t. If they want to separate but keep living together (which I know two couple that have done this) then she should know about you and you neeed to know that she does.

But honestly, I know it’s hard to walk away from someone you love but you really have no idea what he’s like with her. Even if true, what do you think his children would make if it? How would you feel if you were her not knowing that, although not in the same kind of relationship anymore, the person you trusted and was you SO is doing this behind your back? Even if she doesn’t love him it’s hurtful and a betrayal. It’s cowardly of him to not be honest with any of you, regardless of how their relationship is.

I can assure you someone else will love you better than this. You don’t need to be waiting for nothing.

SpiritedLondon · 04/01/2018 23:28

OP no-one is going to say “ hang in there” on this board. This is a place where you are considered a slag or a slut and no amount of mitigation on the part of anyone involved in infidelity is ever going to be considered valid or appropriate. Not that these are my views but those of plenty of posters around these parts so brace yourself. To answer your question he may well leave his wife ( people get divorced all the time) but is he likely to want to move away from his children ? ( and what does that say about him if he does?) Unless he’s in a particularly well paid sector I would query how he could afford it as you have so quite rightly said.

LineysRunes · 04/01/2018 23:29

Those poor kids.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 04/01/2018 23:29

My exH told the OW exactly the same thing about our relationship. It was all bollocks. Of course he's using you.

MrsPrimAndProper · 04/01/2018 23:29

He will do the same to you.

You will not change him. Your relationship is not different or special.

In time, you will feel the hurt you and he are causing his wife. Guaranteed.

Changednamejustincase · 04/01/2018 23:32

Are you hoping he leaves his children?

theredjellybean · 04/01/2018 23:33

On mn everyone believes in 'the script', everyone believes in black and white and cheaters are the worst kind of scum, every man who is miserable needs to get a grip and realise how harder it is being a mum and how he must just try harder and every women who is miserable should leave the bastard as she deserves to be happy. Double standards abound and ow do not get a fair hearing.

Op... Really only you know how you feel about this man, and only you arw in the relationship.
Firstly do you want a real life relationship with him? In the throes of an affair it can be hard to think about your lover as anything less than perfect for you but try... Try hard to think about being a bit bored of him..
Have you talked seriously about plans, have you talked about how it would work, who'd live where etc? Watch for future faking... Is it all rainbows and unicorns or does he acknowledge how hard it is going to be?
Does he make you promises you don't think he can keep?... See above about the unicorns..

I can only say that not all affairs are about men having their cake... My dp and I can attest to that, they don't all follow the script, and people do cheat, fall out of love, want to move on etc and yes the person you arw having an affair with may well be the person you successfully have a long term relationship with but it's fraught and difficult.
I think my advice is talk to him... If he is serious about you and the relationship he will have a realistic plan and time frame... And won't mind discussing it.

Timefortea99 · 04/01/2018 23:34

You are being used for sex when he is London. There is no relationship, you are cheaper than a prostitute, that is what you are to him. Harsh? Have some dignity and integrity.

Butterymuffin · 04/01/2018 23:35

He's lining you up as a regular shag while he has this contract in London. I would bet that he'll tell you during this time he's just going back to see the kids, and come the end of it, he and his wife will have miraculously 'decided to try again'.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/01/2018 23:36

theredjellybean everyone does not agree with that

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2018 23:37

Is he having his cake and eating it?

Yes.

Bet he is also still sleeping with his DW.

Also bet you aren't either his only or his first OW.

He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids

As for that comment. How dare he try to justify his actions.

doubleshotespresso · 04/01/2018 23:38

OP maybe you should read the other thread on here this evening about the damage and devastation your actions can cause....

Listen to your gut and stop this. Now.

LadyLapsang · 04/01/2018 23:40

If you are keen, tell him to get back in touch when he has moved out and started legal proceedings. Don't just be an easy option for the next few months while he is working away from home. If you do this, I expect he will either give his marriage another go or find someone else to have a relationship with while he is away. It will hurt, but better face up to it sooner rather than later.

Tickety7 · 04/01/2018 23:42

Of course he is using you, how can you not see that? You're just an easy shag when he travels for work and nowhere near his life at home. I bet he's happily still shagging his wife at home and telling her how much he loves her.

It's time to wake up!

AdoraBell · 04/01/2018 23:44

Listen to your gut instinct. And read your OP as if your sister or best friend had written it. What would you say to them?

In your shoes I would pull back and tell him that until the divorce is complete you won’t be spending time with him. If he is serious then he will accept this and if he is simply eating his cake and having it then he’ll be off to find someone else to shag.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/01/2018 23:46

I'd say if he really loves you he will/should sort out the separation first and then you can be together. Being honest I'd walk away until then. Think of his poor little kids.

MrsEl · 04/01/2018 23:46

Wow- his poor wife and kids.

HeelsHurt · 04/01/2018 23:48

As a person who is marrried and this would be my worst nightmare I reckon the basic line is would you ever really trust him? He had been deceitful enough to cheat on his wife so he would be more than able to do that to you .. this is the type of person he is no matter what excuses or reasons he sites . Would never be a person I would want to have a future with.

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