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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

537 replies

Toomanylipbalms · 04/01/2018 23:17

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 05/01/2018 00:16

When he’s in London his work let’s him expense the hotel

Classy. So his work are paying for you to shag?

and we stay there as I live with my sister who doesn’t want him around.

Don't blame her.

Sometimes he comes just to see me though and we have been away for a weekend together.

So he is spending family money and time on your little affair.

His poor DW is at home looking after his DC whilst you two are having fun? Nice.

Like I say I do not like the situation, but I feel like I must put my happiness first and see if this is the relationship that will work for me.

Yeah sod everyone else you may hurt or trample on the way hey.

DropZoneOne · 05/01/2018 00:17

i feel like I have finally met someone who I could be with

You can't. He has a wife and a family. His marriage may not be great but if he wanted out, he'd have done it by now. He doesn't want to break up his family, he wants mid week sex. Once his contract stops being London based you'll be out of the picture.

I've been the wife reading the emails to the OW. Apparently our marriage was over, he was just working out how to tell me. He backtracked pretty bloody quickly when I waved the evidence of the affair in front of his nose and demanded to know what was going on.

Get some self respect before it ends in tears.

UnRavellingFast · 05/01/2018 00:17

It's very simple. You can stop all your agonising, hang on to your hope for love and get the clear answer you want from him about your future by saying: "I will gladly be with you when you have ended the relationship you are currently in but not before."

Obviously there are many emotions, many different stories for everyone. I speak as the child of a philanderer who had serial long term mistresses who he never moved in with. Kids get fucked up by this, big time. They end up with the type of low self worth and acceptance of poor behaviour that leads them to a life of shitty relationships. I speak as one who has just managed to escape a life of abuse due to thinking that's all I was worth.

I also speak as a close friend of someone who was in just your situation who did finally see the light and can't stand the silly vain man who successfully sucked her in, to her ever-lasting annoyance now she's over him.

HTH!

HazelBite · 05/01/2018 00:17

Your sister is the only one who knows about this and has raised a salient point based on the financial practicalities. What he says really doesn't add up unless he is hugely wealthy and a high earner.
if he does leave his wife with a young family they will have to be financially supported, he won't be able to afford rent/mortgage in the SE so will be dependant on you in h so many ways.
Has he really thought out the realities of it all? Have you?
Is it all really worth it ? You may not be able afford to have your own family as his existing Dc's will have to be supported for a long, long time.
Stand back from it all for a while and try and think about the realities of all of this, and decide for yourself whether or not you are being used.

Fanciedachange17 · 05/01/2018 00:18

You are being used but you are a fully grown woman in her forties so it's not as if you can play the naive card is it now?

Do you really want to make a life with a proven liar, a cheat, a man who betrays his children and his wife so easily? Even with the benefit of doubt and he is really a long suffering saint and you two are the love match that films are made of, if he IS nice then he will be eaten up with guilt and tortured by not seeing his DC who are quite likely to reject him.

Come on lady, you know this isn't right. If you ditch him he will soon find another little vagina to sink into during his London contract before he toddles off back to the North.

WitchesHatRim · 05/01/2018 00:18

I will never move up north, he says he would live in London and go back on the weekends.

If you say so. More like he'll keep shagging you and not leave his DW.

Lashalicious · 05/01/2018 00:23

Don’t they always say they’re not having sex with their wives anymore?

Respect yourself and respect the woman married to this man. Drop him. If he cheats on his wife, what makes you think he will be faithful to you? He once was in love with his wife and made promises to her.

Your integrity is more important than an affair with an unfaithful, disloyal liar aka married man, is it not? I mean, do you approve of him telling lies to his wife? If not, then there is nothing wrong with him lying to you right now.

Fanciedachange17 · 05/01/2018 00:25

but I feel like I must put my happiness first and see if this is the relationship that will work for me

Well if you are this selfish and only concerned about your own happiness, not his children, his family, his wife, your sister, your family and even his happiness then why the fuck are you even asking on this forum, a forum where many women have been the ones in emotional hell because people like you think only of number one.

I'm out. You don't deserve my time.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 00:26

You are a fucking mug

GoReylo · 05/01/2018 00:30

How long will your happiness last when he disappears every weekend and you don't know if he's seeing his dc's or if you created a vacancy for a new OW?

That's if he ever actually does leave... What chance at happiness do you have if you spend the rest of your thirties waiting for a man who has no intention of actually breaking up his family? If you want to be happy, look for a man who is available.

Original poster
Toomanylipbalms · 05/01/2018 00:35

Everything you’re all saying is what’s going through my mind too, and at the same time, a massive What If which is making it so hard. I suppose I’m too scared to break it off and tell him to find me when he’s single in case he never does.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 00:38

He never will

MikeUniformMike · 05/01/2018 00:40

There is a possibility that his marriage is just a sham and that he's staying with his wife just for the sake of the children.
That is only slightly less unlikely than me having a pet unicorn.

gluteustothemaximus · 05/01/2018 00:42

When I was 17, and had zero self respect or esteem, I met a man through work, who was twice my age. He said he was ‘practically separated’ from his wife, separate rooms, never had sex, were definitely getting a divorce etc.

Anyway. Desperate for affection, I believed all this. A month later, there was a works do. Partners invited. His lovely wife came. I could see her looking lovingly at her husband, and I knew he had lied.

They left earlier than us ‘single’ ones, because they had to get back to the babysitter; they had 2 children.

I went to the toilets and threw up.

I am to this day disgusted and ashamed.

The script never changes OP. You are being used.

Sad
MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 00:44

If he never does then he never will either.

BashStreetKid · 05/01/2018 00:44

I feel like I have finally met someone who I could be with.

But you haven't. The chances of him coming to live with you realistically are zero - he won't be able to afford to live in London, and unless he's a total shit he won't want to move far away from his children. The reality is that he is lying to you and you are simply his London shag. This is a man who is prepared to break his promises to his wife and risk breaking up his children's home. You simply cannot rely on him in any way, shape or form.

I suppose I’m too scared to break it off and tell him to find me when he’s single in case he never does

So in the meantime you carry on with your life and, if you meet someone else, feel free to start a relationship with them and bin this man once and for all.

Lashalicious · 05/01/2018 00:46

Where is your integrity, op? He has none and neither do you.

Greensleeves · 05/01/2018 00:46

There is no scenario in which this man isn't a cunt.

Even if every line he has spun you is a solid-gold truth, he's still a cunt. Even if the marriage is a sham, he's only staying for the children, blah blah, he hasn't LEFT so he's still married to her and is cheating.

You've been for weekends away with him, you knew full well that you were complicit in his lying to her. You knew she had no idea. You knew he had young children and she was at home looking after them while you were shagging him. Doesn't that make you feel anything at all/

If you really believe you are ever going to have an exclusive relationship with this man, you must be dumber than a bag of rocks.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/01/2018 00:48

If he doesn’t leave even though he’ll lose you, why would he leave when he has you if he doesn’t have to.

If everything you are saying is true, the main reason he isn’t leaving us because he’s not facing up to it and doesn’t have to. It’s not for the kids. They will be hurt either way. The only way to lessen it for them slightly is for him to not be leaving for someone else he’d rather be with.

Zebrathree · 05/01/2018 00:54

Your putting him before your family too, the sister who puts you up but doesn't want him around?

Don't you think she is trying to tell you something or make you see sense?

Just because you didn't have long term relationships in your 20's & 30's doesn't mean you should be afraid of being left on the shelf.

This man is soiled goods who belong to someone else, don't let yourself become damaged goods through being used and abused for a scumbags fun.

Don't tell me that you don't deserve better than being a dirty secret bit on the side?

Contact him then right now and tell him to leave his wife now and find a job & home for you both in London as you have found out your pregnant...watch the smoke come from his heels as he runs into the distance. Then you will have your answer now rather than a hundred shags later.

Ellie56 · 05/01/2018 00:56

Yes he is having his cake and eating it at home and in London, and you are just a shag on the side.

Why do you even want to be with a knobhead like this? You already know what he is capable of.How can you ever trust him?

Have a bit more self respect. And respect that he is someone else's husband and dad to two young children.

Itsthattimeagain · 05/01/2018 00:56

Isn't it funny how the married party is always in a 'sex-less/platonic marriage' which has been awful for years, and they're always treated so badly.

And the other party always believes them...

Tickety7 · 05/01/2018 00:58

Why are you asking if you're being used OP when clearly you've decided that it doesn't matter.

Your happiness first is fine, but at the expense of others is not okay! Particularly when it will be incredibly detrimental to his wife and their children. How can you be okay with that?

You're scared to tell him to find you when he's single, just in case he won't?

He won't.

You're just sex and a fun little play thing. You don't measure up to his family at home otherwise he'd have already left by now.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/01/2018 01:05

This thread seems exceptionally goady. On the offchance it’s for real my advice would be to have a look at the many other threads from OW on MN. The men always say their wives are more like flat mates, just together for the kids, it was over in their hearts years ago. Always the same story. Always!

Of course he wants a booty call while he’s staying in London, then back to the (poor) wife and kids. Seeing you just saves him spending money on an escort because you are cheap.

No person who would actually move away from their own children is a good person. He’s a scumbag, and yes, he’s using you.

There is absolutely no chance he will leave his wife for you. Why would he want to be with a cheap desperado instead of the woman he proposed to, who gave birth to his children, and who he’ll have to pay child support to for years to come if he did?

You need to take a look at yourself and figure out how you became so selfish and mean that you would actively try to deprive children of their father. Sort yourself out.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 05/01/2018 01:08

Isn't it funny how the married party is always in a 'sex-less/platonic marriage' which has been awful for years, and they're always treated so badly

Yep. This was, apparently, my marriage. One of the first things my ex had to do when he left me for the OW was tell her I was 6 weeks pregnant. Bloody immaculate conception it was, obviously!