I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

[Toomanylipbalms]

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

Can I ask? Do you ever do anything together without the sex? Is there an actual relationship together? If you said no one weekend would he still be keen to have you over? Think long term, if he left his wife today and you started a relationship, could you ever trust him not to have an affair. Wouldn’t you be wondering if he had another mistress when he worked away? I’m guessing when he mentioned he would be going back at the weekends it would be very likely he would be carrying on as normal with his wife and family. Don’t you feel bad for his wife? Could you imagine finding the one and then having someone else take him away or him just disregarding your feelings entirely. Get yourself some self respect and find yourself a single man. He is using you!! He’s not exactly a good guy full stop or he would have left his wife before starting things with you.

Please just end it. I've been in a similar situation and in retrospect the whole thing makes me feel sick for 3 main reasons which I think also apply to you

• Any man willing to risk his relationship with his children for an affair isn't going to be a lovely person.

• The faceless wife is a real person, who likely thinks her life is fine and as PP have said you only need to read a couple of finding out about affair threads on here to see how incredibly damaging and devastating it is when people find out what's really going on - do you really want to contribute to someone feeling like that?

• Have some respect for yourself - being single will make you feel more able to respect yourself than this half-life, and also will give you the chance to meet someone far better!

It sounds like desperation for a man/love has led you to be the OW.

Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint.

^...^...^...^..

This is what a MM said to his OW after she wanted 3 years for him... he is divorcing his wife...but found another woman he likes and she's heartbroken.

If you look at the link in the PM I've sent ... you'll see many more like you...who are a mess. Needing therapy after years of being used as a sidepiece.

You say he loves you. You say he is separating in a few months. BUT you also say you won't back away for those few months in case he then doesn't leave his wife after all. What difference would a couple of months make if you were really that secure of his love for you? A couple of months without shagging you and his big love for you will vanish?

And the plan is he will work 'from home' in London during the week and return up north EVERY weekend. Come on. Bet his wife doesn't realise it's working from home in London! You'll be his week wife and then he'll be home to his real wife and kids every weekend.

If you think this is your chace at happiness you are settling yourself for years of misery and ultimate heartbreak. And then it will be too late for a family of your own.

I do feel sorry for you. You have talked yourself into this huge romantic last chance of love with a man who tells you all the right things. But to even ask if he is using you shows a chink in that armour of fake bliss you have envisaged. And your fear that he won't be able to stay committed if you step back until he actually separated is a fucking huge hole.

I left my husband for OM within two weeks of meeting him. He seemed to be taking longer to leave his gf. Then i discovered that while he was telling me all the right things about leaving his sexless, loveless relationship he got her pregnant and MARRIED her. Felt bloody sorry for myself but not half as sorry as i did for his poor bloody WIFE.

It sounds like desperation for a man/love has led you to be the OW.

How bad do things have to be to get to this point? Serious question. As I said earlier, I was in a sexless relationship for four years. I never once considered going out and cheating. I eventually left.

I have now been single for approaching 8 years. I haven't had a date in 7. I haven't had sex now in 11 years. I'm a 43-year old man. I am incredibly incredibly lonely. If a married woman offered me sex, would I take it? No. If I started a relationship with a woman and it turned out she was married, would I continue it? No. As desperately lonely as I have been for 8 years, no, I hand on heart would walk away.

OP where I worked there was a lot of men who worked Mon - Fri in my city and travelled Home for weekends , my god so many of them had GF in my city to shag then went home to wife and kids at weekend

1 man left his wife for his gf and that didn’t last long and he ran back to his family. The others never had any intention of ever leaving there families it was just a ride as they put it

Don’t be fool and used by this idiot. Kick him to the kerb now.

Anyway how could you ever trust such a person anyway..?

@ShatnersWig says If you are seeing someone, fall in love, and then discover they are married or partnered because they've been lying to you all that time, you can then make the CHOICE to be the OW or OM or to walk away. It may be a more difficult choice because you have got to the "in love" stage but it's still a choice.

Easiest choice ever. Walk away! I did, it still hurts that I had a part to play in a womans breakdown and 2 children have seen their mum break! You walk away, you refuse to engage in conversation with a lying man. You hold your head up and say all women and children involved deserve better!
I spent so much time hurting, but nowhere near as much as his STB wife.
You take any shit thrown at you by the hurting wife/fiancee. You apologise profusely.
Nobody forced u to take your knickers down for a married man! Pull them back up and move on!

Sorry, I possibly need to stop commenting. Purely because I hate liars and cheaters. Ive been the OW and I wish I hadn't been. I don't get why any self respecting human would put themselves in that position!

Typo

after she WAITED 3 years

@ShatnersWig

Have you tried OLD?

Sandy Let's not derail the thread discussing me (but answer: yes)

Where’s your fucking self respect?

Of course he’s using you.

Don’t be such a self centred twat and get rid. Think of someone else, other than yourself.

His children for starters.

I am from "up north" and lived down south for a long time. Let me tell you something about blokes from up there. London is a bit of an foreign, exotic place. If you have never lived down there it's like being in NY or some other fast paced, pulse racing city. It will be an exciting place to him, but he won't want to live there permanently. Back in the warm buxom of his northern town he's got his wife and children, his parents, life long friends he went to primary school with, his siblings and their families. He's down south to earn a bit more cash because depending on where he is from, he probably has a mortgage of around £200-300K. Any extra cash earned down south will lob a massive chunk off that and go along way treating his family.

From what you say, you are in your 40's and live with your sister? Sorry to sound harsh, but you don't sound like some irresistable siren who this man cannot live with our and would give up all the above to be with. Also, on the more practical side when he has to give up 50% of the equity in his house (won't be whole amount as Northerners rarely pay off mortgage till they are older as salaries are not high) and pay maintenance he will only be able to afford a bedsit in some rough London Borough. As us northerners say "When poverty strikes, love flies out the window".

It seems to me that this northern bloke is away from home, thinks his Mrs will never find out about you and he will get away with it. You sound vulnerable to me, with low self esteem and some of these northern blokes can charm the legs off a donkey. He has spun you a line and you have fallen for it.

Your sister seems to be much smarter than you (though similarly lacking in morals if her objections are only practical). Listen to your sister.

Somewhere in London, hull, Dubai , Kiev and everywhere in between will be a woman wondering what happened to her Northern lover.

Well if you’re reading this...he died. Sorry.

Yep, I was the unaware wife.
Why would I have been suspicious. Everything was fine at home. So he travelled away for work . Lots of people do.

I had no wuckin furries. Neither had he as long as he had his bit on the side. All good!

So to Louise in London, Heidi in hull , Donna in Dubai and Karen in Kiev ( actually I think that one was Olga) he ain’t coming back! Got it!

Run op! And never look back.

Threaten to tell his wife. Then you will have your answer.

You're a mug.

His kids will forever hate you even if something does come of this.

He is a mouse of a man

I’m too scared to break it off and tell him to find me when he’s single in case he never does.

If you are worried about that then surely that means you have doubts about how much he wants to be with you. 🤷🏻‍♀️. That's like admitting you are happy to be the other woman. That's really sad.

Also, practically speaking, this is never going to be an easy arrangement long term if his kids are up north and you are in London. Quite apart from the moral/emotional side how will this work out practically.

You and he will need a place in London big enough for his kids to stay plus if he is going up there every weekend to see them then he will need a property up North too. Then there is the cost of his weekly travel. On top of this he will be paying maintenance.

If he actually puts his kids first then do you really want to be playing second fiddle to them all the time. How would that feel. If you had your own kids how would it feel that he already has kids that he may end up putting first as they will be the ones he feels guilty about.

..and if he doesn't put his kids first? Well, would you really want to be with a man who didn't

Personally, I'd not bother giving him an ultimatum - I'd just drop him.

I suppose I’m too scared to break it off and tell him to find me when he’s single BECAUSE I KNOW HE WON'T

Fixed that for you.

My mum was the ow he said they were separated and she knew about my mum
He never left his wife or kids
My mum got with him when I was 13 and died when I was 26
He was still with his wife living with her

Op don't do it

Oh dear. Sounds like the usual cheating behaviour pattern. They probably aren't in separate rooms. His poor wife.

Op souds desperate, and the adulterer is clear taking advantage. My bet is that when his job becomes home based he’ll find another mistress closer to home.

It's kind of pointless criticising OP for messing up the wife's marriage, as it's a fait accompli now, isn't it. She can't change that: the husband has had an affair, that can't be undone.

Also pointless saying "Why would you want to be with a cheat?" as obviously she does want to be with one, or she wouldn't be with him.

Unfortunately, being an OW creates a very romantic atmosphere, as you are "star-crossed lovers": this wanting but not being able to have each other is like having a cake dangled in front of your face when you are feeling a bit peckish - brings on the hunger pangs. Toomany will be all hearts and flowers inside. You can't see things clearly at all.

Toomany, I'd sincerely recommend the "Come back when you are free" approach, for your own mental health, whichever way it goes.

No relationships 20s or 30s. I think your clutching to whatever will come along. If he can treat his wife this way I'm sure you'll get all you deserve

Dowser
*So to Louise in London, Heidi in hull , Donna in Dubai and Karen in Kiev ( actually I think that one was Olga) he ain’t coming back! Got it!
*
Maybe your charmer did come back,but I know one MM went to Kiev,slept with his interpreter, divorced his wife and now getting married to OW from Kiev(her name is Irina)

This isn't a northern or southern men thing....it's just a cheaters thing.

As long as women are happy to be the secret lover and to be invisible ...all so they can have a 'boyfriend'... this will continue to happen.

Men like this can sniff out desperate, vulnerable women with low self esteem...and of course they'll tell you what you want to hear.... being kind of desperate for the attention... you believe it.

He on the other hand has 2 women available to him ...
Feeding his ego and you being a
confidence boost...while you willingly accept your place as his secondary woman ... why would he want to change that.

You're being played. Take sex off the menu and see how long he sticks around.

Your desperation will be your downfall

I will say that at least you admit it. Countless other OWs talk of how confident, successful and attractive they are... yet they can't find a man of their own.

When your boyfriend is another woman's husband, you just know that's wrong

My ex had an Olga too; might even have been in Kiev. Didn't last. I wonder if it's all the same woman :D