I am the OW and in love but am I being used.

[Toomanylipbalms]

I have got myself into a situation where I am the OW. He is married, lives up north and we see each other when he comes to Ldn for work about once a week. He says his marriage is more like two flatmates than husband and wife and that they are in separate bedrooms and not having sex. He has two kids under 12. He’s recently got a new job where he will be in London for a few months but then the contract is home based so not sure what will happen. He says it will make it easier to start the separation and not be so bad for the kids. Im not sure if he will actually do it, he says he is scared of losing me and scared I will lose patience with him. Is he having his cake and eating it? My sister is the only person who knows about him and she says he is as it’s unlikely he will be able to afford to get divorced and live down south since his kids are still young, surely he must know that?

Please tell his poor unsuspecting wife. At the very least so she can make some health checks. I know you won’t though because you think it’s a big Cinderella story. He is Prince Charming and you are Cinderella his wife is the wicked stepmother who is keeping your love apart. Got news for you love in this mans eyes you are the southern shag. His Cinderella is back at home with the kids going to the in laws for Sunday lunch.

I haven't read through the thread, but ask yourself is this a good man who can lie repeatedly to his wife? I would say decent men do not do this. You are playing with fire.

I'm sure it's lovely for this man, and the OP, spending nights in a hotel paid for by his company...

But it's not real is it? He goes back to his wife afterwards.

Find out now, give him the ultimatum 3 months early.

Get him dumped and get yourself a damn good faithful vibrator until a decent man who wants you and will put YOU first.

If you can tell me that you don't deserve this, I suspect that you might be feeling a little low or suffering a touch of midlife crisis and might be better getting some help or talking to someone.

I've felt a bit mid lifie myself, and reading all the "wonderful life I'm having bullshit stories" that people post on social media didn't help make me feel good about my life.

Laying off it is great start for boosting your self esteem if you spend time on it.

As I said, put it too him now and either save wasting three months of your life on something that will never be or spend them moving in now instead of when "the contract ends".

I am very certain that he won’t leave his wife.

If he and his wife aren’t in love anymore, why doesn’t he just tell her? They’re just co-parenting, right? She’ll surely be fine with this. You two could call her next time you meet for a quick shag? Tell her the happy news?

But he most likely won’t do that, will he? Which is imo all the prove anyone would need.

The other option is of course that his wife knows / that they have an arrangement... unlikely but possible, I guess. He still wouldn’t leave her for his London shag

And even if he did leave her... could you ever trust him? And if he were to cheat, well, it’s not like you could complain without being a massive hypocrite.
And how would you feel if you were to meet your step children (if you were to get married)? Or if you two have children...? How would you teach them about honesty? Self-respect? And how would you deal with the fact that their father might just decide to leave their mummy one day?

How will you ever find a man of integrity when you are not a woman of integrity?

To be fair maybe she proposed to him?

Just a thought, maybe he doesn't want to leave her as she has a well paid job and in actual fact keeps him in the dirty rat "double lifestyle" he's accustomed to.

I say call his bluff now!

I haven't read the thread but I just wanted you to think.

Not "Is he having his cake and eating it?"

But What am I having?

Is this making you feel happy, safe, loved, secure, treasured?

You may not be his first and you may not be his last.

Do you have kids? Do you want kids? With him? Do you want him to treat them the way he is treating his own kids now, and the way he is potentially planning on treating them.

Decide what you want, and what you think you are worth. Then go for it. But I hope it will be a man who will treat you well, and be worthy of your time.

Zebrathree's Final Thought...

If he ever does leave his wife and children to set up home with you in London and you end up with children and of your own with him, what will you do or think when he goes working on another contract up north somewhere? Sound familiar? Will you trust him to he faithful just because he has a wife and child 300 miles away? The survey says ✖

I don't think you are disgusting but I do think you must have low self esteem to get involved in this. Work on your self esteem and realise you will not find happiness in this situation where you really are just a shag for him whatever he says.

I’m not proud to admit it but I was the OW in several relationships way back. Men will say anything to get into your knickers.

I absolutely guarantee you that he and his wife have a happy life and an active sex life and definitely do not live like flat mates.

As I said, I was the OW and every time, every bloody time the husband would tell me how his wife was unresponsive, lacking in any affection, no physical relationship at all.
One day Richie who had been banging me for about 7 years (and with whom I considered myself to ‘be in a relationship’ with) visited to tell me he had left his wife whom he had looked after during a long illness and I thought we was going to be a couple, he went on to tell me he had already got a new girlfriend. Basically I was the easy shag who was always available.

Life improved considerably when I realised I was worth more than just being the easy shag. Dump his sorry arse now, because even if he left his wife for you, you’d never trust him as you know he is very good at lying and prone to cheating.

What ever you're choosing to do now, just remember that as you stay in lovely hotels, living in a bubble of shagging and fun, his wife is dealing with the monotonies of family life on her own.

She's washing his pants, wiping the snot off his children, cleaning their home.

Would your 'relationship' survive once it's your turn for all that?
I suspect not.
You are a sadly, a fun, escapist hobby for the weekends. Like golf.
Be worth more.
If he truly loves you, send him packing to sort his life out, to prepare his children, then and only then consider taking him in. But I could never, ever trust someone so duplicitous.

@ Myheartbelongsto your anger at op is misplaced. She is every bit as much the victim of this man as his wife is. I’ve never understood why it’s always the poor woman that gets the brunt of the anger when it’s the married man doing all the cheating. I find your judgemental attitude makes you worse than op, and op is most certainly not “beyond disgusting “

I agree with theredjellybean

Pricilla I kind of agree with you. When I binned out my then husband for cheating with a much younger woman (who I slightly knew) everyone, and I mean everyone, wanted to know what I was going to do to her.

I said something along the lines of 'Nothing. She didn't make me any promises, he did. Her last two boyfriends beat the crap out of her and her self esteem is on the floor. She's not my problem, he is'.

They're married now and she looks every bit as knackered and lonely as I did when I was married to him.

Apparently I am considered to be somewhat peculiar with regard to this.

Even if they are unhappy and live like flatmates he is still married and you could be named in a divorce case. Your name forever more in a legal document sowing you as a party to adultery.

I see you have had many years single, you have low self esteem and that is why he can do this to you. Work on yourself and never ever look for happiness through the validation of a man, there lies madness. It's perfectly fine to be in mutual love but hang everything on a man and you put yourself at risk.

Weezol I am glad to see you are able to take the high road in relation to the other woman.

As you rightly say the other woman did not promise you anything.

I don't think bashing the other woman is ever acceptable.

@Toomanylipbalms I think you are worth more than this.

Feral is right. The most likely scenario is that his wife unpacks his week’s worth of dirty washing, launders it and lovingly repacks it for him on a Sunday night.

I bet he calls or FaceTimes his family every night.

His weekend life is reality, you’re just getting the available spaces in between.

In the meantime you are unavailable to meet a decent man, someone with integrity who would never betray his partner all because you are wasting your time with this man who lies and lies.

And even if he “moves” to London you aren’t ever going to be able to trust him because he’ll be away without you every weekend.

And during school holidays.
And at Christmas.

And on the kids’ birthdays.

You’ll still only be getting the dregs of his life.

OP, be the decent person here and finish this relationship. You are letting yourself be used by this guy. Not only that but you are participating in a cruel deceit, which may destroy another woman's life. What did she do to you? Why is this guy so special that you are willing to overlook the moral minefield that you are in?

OP the absolute best BEST case scenario is that he leaves his wife, leaves his children for the majority of the time, spends his 'spare' time with you. This means he's a bad husband and a terrible father. Not a catch.

Then he is in a situation with you when he spends a few days with you and a few somewhere else, putting him in the exact same situation with you as he currently is with his wife - giving him motive and opportunity to cheat on you. Which he has proved more than happy to do.

That's the best outcome.

Being single is positively glowing in comparison.

You say you were single for your 20’s and 30’s. I’m not surprised you didn’t meet anyone viable as a life partner. You set the bar too low. The thing, which needs to change is your self esteem. Any self respecting, self loving middle aged woman would not be caught up with a married man in this way. Please get some counselling and ditch him.

@Toomanylipbalms

Say he left his wife for you, you win him and you'll be SO happy at this! Then the childcare arrangements and child maintenance payments would kick in. Years or wrangling over EOW and him banging on about how screwed he is then you'll struggle to be a stepparent to two traumatised kids who stole their father from their mother! Honestly I would cringe at this, do you want this OP?

I’m too scared to break it off and tell him to find me when he’s single in case he never does.
Let's look at the possibilities here.

1. You say "Come back when you're single" and he leaves his wife and comes to you --> You have the dream relationship you wanted (maybe) - and you feel good about yourself as you did not just passively stay an OW

1. You say "Come back when you're single" and he doesn't leave his wife after all --> You know that he was not that into you after all, and you have escaped a lukewarm relationship - and you feel good about yourself as you did not just passively stay an OW

1. You say nothing and wait and he leaves his wife and comes to you --> You have the dream relationship you wanted (maybe) - and you feel bad about yourself as you passively stayed an OW

1. You say nothing and wait and he doesn't leave his wife after all --> you have to go through more months of being strung along before being disappointed - and you feel bad about yourself as you passively stayed an OW

My advice would be to take action, as it does you no good to be sitting around waiting for a man to maybe make up his mind. Get some counselling if you really do feel so desperate that this slice of shit cake seems like your only option.

I spent some time with a man who claimed to be separated, but over time I started to suspect he wasn't. Never found out what the truth was, but in any case I said "Come back when you're single" and he didn't - and that tells me everything I need to know. In the meantime I launched myself back into OLD to keep my mind off him and am now with someone who's definitely available. From this position I'm now looking back in a less rose-tinted way and can see all the things that would probably have got on my nerves with Mr Maybe Separated!

The thing is, what you want is my options 1. or 3. - and of the two of them, obviously option 1. is better ....