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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh has been having an affair. He get a home in an hour. Please keep me calm.

943 replies

youspinmerightround · 04/01/2018 21:12

Found emails and a receipt for flowers. The emails are just Facebook messenger notifications so I can't read what they say but he's addressed the flowers to "my love".

I'm in with the 3 dc. I'm going to be sick.

OP posts:
Chippyway · 08/01/2018 09:40

OP why won’t you answer - is he begging for forgiveness or has he willingly gone without putting up a fight?

wysteriafloribunba · 08/01/2018 09:57

OP you don't have to answer any questions on here. Your life, your business, but people are here to support you any way we can.

It gets better. The more you move on with your life the easier it is to reset your focus on other things.

Bumsnetnetbums · 08/01/2018 10:17

Chippy doesnt matter why she wont answer its her life not for public enjoymemt

BackInTheRoom · 08/01/2018 10:29

@Chippyway

OP why won’t you answer

You're not the OW are you?!

MrsMozart · 08/01/2018 10:29

Ditto Wisteria and Bum - OP doesn't have to say another word here on the matter. I hope she's okay and getting through it in whatever way is best for her.

ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2018 10:51

FFS Chippy, does it really matter?

He’s gone, op needs support. She doesn’t owe anyone - least of all us - ANY details. If you don’t like it then step away from the thread.

Mix56 · 08/01/2018 11:13

whilst OP has no obligation to reply, it does alter the whole dynamic, & thus any helping words.

ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2018 11:23

Badgering is not going to help Mix.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 08/01/2018 11:24

I can't answer. I don't really know. I've been so apoplectic with rage I haven't really let him speak. Every time we are together I just lose the plot and scream at him until I almost pass out.

I'm at uni today. I've held it together so far.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 11:40

This point will all be a blur.
You really won't remember much.
You don't owe any of us anything at all so you use this thread as you want to.
I'm glad you've held it together so far.
Keep going.
Focus and then get home and breakdown in a heap (as we've all done loads of times)

Bumsnetnetbums · 08/01/2018 11:44

Good on ya op
Uni will be good for you.
Scream away whatever makes you feel better xx

ohfourfoxache · 08/01/2018 11:55

Spin please take everything minute by minute; second by second if you need to. You’re getting through this and you’re doing brilliantly, but you need to do whatever you need to.

If you need to scream, do it. If you need to cry or run or sit or punch a pillow - do whatever it is you need to.

Don’t forget that you’re still in shock. It will pass but it will take time

blankiesandunicorns · 08/01/2018 13:24

Hi OP, Iv been reading since the beginning and am amazed at how strong you are being. I hope you are getting lots of support at Uni, I too am on a nursing degree and should imagine they are very understanding.

Dont worry about knowing all the answers right now or when’s the ‘right’ time to tell the children, there is no right or wrong in these situations and you know you’re family so will be the judge of that. Glad to see you’re getting lots of support from family and friends. I’m afraid I will echo what others are saying and that I’m not too surprised some of his family aren’t being supportive, I was in similar situation 4 years ago and I found the same. Although they might step up after some time they may be as shocked as you are.

Keep plodding along you’re doing great Flowers

DotCottonDotCom · 08/01/2018 15:54

OP why won’t you answer - is he begging for forgiveness or has he willingly gone without putting up a fight?

FFS Chippy back off! This is real life, the lass is suffering

AcrossthePond55 · 08/01/2018 16:12

Whether he's begging forgiveness or has easily walked away doesn't matter one whit. And it certainly wouldn't alter my advice. An affair of any kind is a deal breaker. It's pretty apparent youspin feels the same way.

So the only advice she needs is how to stay strong in her resolve to build her own future for herself and her DC.

Anger is good for keeping your energy up and getting stuff done. But what you need is to start working on indifference. You need to just not care what he does or where he is. To care is to waste energy on someone who, in the end, hasn't bothered to waste his energy on you.

Building indifference is not easy. It's much harder than simply being angry. But it's infinitely more powerful. Counseling will help immensely.

intheairthatnightfernando · 08/01/2018 18:07

While I agree with you Acrossthepond, it's way too early for indifference. She's in shock so anger comes first, then grief. Two years on I feel proud when I achieve indifference. For the first year, anger. For the six months after that, grief. You have to work through so much to get close to indifference.

intheairthatnightfernando · 08/01/2018 18:08

(They are my timescales, not suggesting they would be anyone else's)

Slingsanderrors · 08/01/2018 20:40

@youspinmerightround, I was in a similar position 22 years ago. I was 40, had 3 children, was a registered nurse and was in the middle of a 12 month public health nursing diploma. My husband announced at 11pm on the Sunday that he was leaving. I didn’t sleep all night then had to get the kids off to school / childminder before a 30 mile motorway drive to uni. Half way there, I pulled onto the hard shoulder and had a cry, then pulled up my big girl pants, stuck a smile on my face and went to uni. I reasoned that if I could finish the course I’d get a better job. The course was a great distraction from the divorce shite, and I got a much better job! You can do it! Flowers

JoJoManon · 08/01/2018 21:36

How did it go OP?
Did you manage to hold it together all day?
I hope you are eating. You can't take care of your DC if you're not taking care of yourself. Do it for them if not for yourself.
Hope you're ok. And don't worry too much if you don't hear from the In Laws. My cousin had an affair a few months after she got married a few years back now and my aunt was furious, contacted her then Son in Law but obviously she managed to forgive her daughter even if she doesn't condone her behaviour. A parent will generally be loyal to her own child, no matter what they have done.
Surround yourself with your own friends and family.

ssd · 08/01/2018 21:37

that's good you managed to hold it together at uni

I can't understand the posters here badgering you for answers, like they deserve to know, who the fuck do they think they are??? if they cant afford you some support and space to find your way through this they should fuck off and get a life.

This must be hard enough for you without anonymous people online demanding to know exactly what was said and when.

jesus

ssd · 08/01/2018 21:40

obviously my post above wasnt aimed at everyone, I know most people are asking you how you are with all good intentions but a chosen few Mix and Chippy are too over the top.

NoMudNoLotus · 08/01/2018 23:13

@youspinmerightround i was the same.

I can just remember shouting at hjm about a) what a whore OW is and b) what a whore she is and c) the same with "dont think she is ever going anywhere near my children - ever". She didnt i made it my mission to stop them ever playing happy families with my DC .

Jaxinthebox · 08/01/2018 23:30

OP I hope you are getting lots of real life support and I just wanted to let you know that you wont feel this way forever. Im 7 months on and it gets easier, it really does.

Original poster
youspinmerightround · 08/01/2018 23:56

Nomud thank you so much you have just made me laugh ..... those exact words have came out of my mouth 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
youspinmerightround · 08/01/2018 23:58

Managed to hold it together. I actually feel hopeful that I will get through this. Although I still haven't eaten. I had managed to sip at some lentil soup today but it ran right through me 😳 I'm at uni tomorrow then off the rest of the week.

He's coming over on Wednesday.

We will see what he says.

OP posts: