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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
WhatABaklava · 03/01/2018 00:23

I’m am so sorry to hear this - you have been raped.

Please go to police and also get the morning after pill ASAP.

What an utterly disgusting man - what he did was completely unacceptable and you are not to blame in any way whatsoever.

WhatABaklava · 03/01/2018 00:24

Also - can you find the condom he discarded?

bumblebae · 03/01/2018 00:25

I’m really sorry this happened to you but yes it is rape. If there is anyone you can talk to in real life please do for support.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ will be able to offer more practical support. Please call them as soon as you feel able. Flowers again so sorry this has happened.

notapizzaeater · 03/01/2018 00:25

Yes he did rape you, have you somewhere you can go ?

pog100 · 03/01/2018 00:26

As far as the pregnancy worry is concerned take a MAP, though if you are taking oral contraceptive correctly it shouldn't really be needed? Or did I misunderstand?
As far as him having sex with you when you said no.... You know what that is. It shows a total lack of respect for you and I think you should act on it. I'm sorry, it must be very shocking for you.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 03/01/2018 00:26

What a horrible experience. I am so sorry you have gone through this. Totally inexcusable behaviour.

Littlelambpeep · 03/01/2018 00:27

Yes this is rape. Please get some real life help too op

SleightOfMind · 03/01/2018 00:30

That’s horrible. I’m so sorry but he has definitely raped you.
Are you ok at the moment? Does he live with you and do you have anyone in real life you can turn to?
Drunk or sober, this is not the way a boyfriend should treat you.

MISSINDE · 03/01/2018 00:35

This is awful! Go to the police and get the morning after pill asap!

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:37

Thank you for your kind replies. I don't have anywhere to go. I've been in pieces. I react badly to oral contraceptives. I'm scared I'm pregnant. I'm worried I didn't do enough to stop him.

OP posts:
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:38

I can get the condom but what can I do with it?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 03/01/2018 00:40

You did everything you could to stop him, don't ever think that you didn't. He knew you were saying no.

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:42

How soon can I take a test? I'm sorry I'm so clueless.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 03/01/2018 00:42

Oh sweetheart, you did do enough. You said no. It doesn't matter whether he remembers or not, he raped you. This is not on you - it's him that did this to you.

Are you safe now?

octoberfarm · 03/01/2018 00:44

Do you know where in your cycle you are? You can take a test as soon as your period would be due, or a few days before if you use an early response one. Keep the condom and if you feel able, take it to the Police tomorrow. Put it in a bag and put it somewhere safe.

Are you able to take the morning after pill?

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:45

He's out drinking again. He genuinely doesn't remember. I showed him the empty condom and the semen on the sheets but he was hungover and didn't care.

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/01/2018 00:52

Sweetheart, you need to lock him out of your home, he needs to go.

Consider calling the police

debbs77 · 03/01/2018 00:55

So despite you telling him what he did, he didn't care and has gone out again??

He needs to go anyway. What an arse

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 00:58

He claims he doesn't remember anything
How convenient for him, fucking bastard.

Now I'm terrified of being pregnant What should I do?
Get the Morning after pill first thing no matter what else.

Where is he right now? Is he there?

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 01:00

He said he didn't remember and I believe him. His work has been drying up and he's been drinking a lot.

OP posts:
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 01:01

He's out drinking again.

OP posts:
ByeByePrivacy · 03/01/2018 01:04

You absolutely did enough to tell him to stop. This is absolutely not your fault. You need to make sure you are safe tonight to stop him coming back.
Just because he said he doesn't remember doesn't mean anything. If anyone's told their loving partner what they did whilst drunk they would be mortified and do absolutely anything in their power to not do it again. And get you help. They would not go out drinking again.
I would consider calling the police to ensure you are safe so he does not do the same again.
Then tomorrow start the process to cut him out of your life. Whatever happens no aspect of wat he did or how he did it is that of a loving partner.

PringlesPirate · 03/01/2018 01:06

Drinking is not an excuse, and you know that sweetheart.

Are you able to take the MAP or get advice from family planning regarding unprotected sex?

When was your last period?

Please see someone in RL. friends? Family? Police advice? Please don’t put this man’s needs before yours.

Pixiedust1973 · 03/01/2018 01:06

Please get the morning after pill first thing. It is effective 72 hours after the event, not just the following day. This is most certainly rape & id be contacting the police. You need to be safe. The police will help you find a place of safety, or if you feel able to, contact Womens aid. Google for their number. I am so sorry this happened to you. Where are you based? Perhaps someone is reasonably local to you & can support you in person. I am in East Surrey. Flowers

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 01:08

He said he didn't remember and I believe him
You don't forget doing something like that, bloody hell.

He's out drinking again
When you lock your front door, can you put the key on the inside so he can't unlock it from the outside?

When do you think he might come home?

If I were you I would call the police now and if I knew where and who you are I would already be doing it for you.

Please sweetie, don't minimise what this fucking wanker did to you and make excuses for him.

Call the police.

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