Did my boyfriend rape me?

[Jaquithefirst]

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

I think you've been incredibly brave. You were raped. That is not your fault.

Oh OP my heart is breaking for you.

You did nothing wrong. You should be able to walk around in your own home stark bollock naked and even then, a man STILL needs your consent to sex. Without it, it is rape. As somebody that has had a very rocky start in life, I can tell you that I have been where you are now. Your expectations are low because you have different sets of boundraries. You have been grateful for the kindness of others, your friend etc and the (often cruel) attention from this man. Your friend has stuck by you but that man has exploited you and taken every advantage of your nature for his own purposes.

Knickers would not have helped. Trousers would not have helped. You made a choice to try to control the situation by insisting on him wearing a condom the second time, that was a condition of the consent. The first time was rape, the second time was also , undeniably and unquestionably rape.

Please do not take any notice of what anybody says about their experience of reporting rape or of how the police have supposedly treated you. But please, please please.......Report it. You can choose to have the rape kit done, sign a statement but not actually press charges. You need to call National Rape crisis on 0808 802 9999 or even find your local Sexual Assault Referral Centre. You can have a kit done and document what has happened and do NOT have to involve the police but they will also signpost you to other services that can help you such as STD testing, housing services, etc. There is A LOT of help out there for you. I have included the link

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2482.aspx

You can do this. I have total faith in you and they will very likely be able to help you with housing too. Please PM me if you need any help

Hi all. I am truly deeply overwhelmed by the support you have shown for me. I don't feel worthy of it. I feel I have to get past this for you as well as me.
I know I have to talk to the counselor about the second night and I will I can't promise you it will be the next meeting. I won't be able to speak about it at the start and I am going to take your advice and give her a couple of posts to read. I still haven't gone back and read the post about the incident yet. It's hard but I will include that. I will also include the post where my friends mum commented that my shirt was halfway up my back exposing my bottom and vagina. I know she didn't mean to be so hard but it really made me feel bad and still does. Again thank you and I will let you know as soon as I've managed to read the post about the first incident and show it to the counselor. I'm sure she'll tell me just what you great people have told me. X

Jacqui, you don't have to tell us anything about what is said in your counselling meetings. It is confidential to you.
I'm glad this thread has helped you.

Just in case you haven't realised yet, there is no shame on you for what happened. None. Don't feel you have to build up to it out of fear the counsellor will blame you in some way.

You deserve all the support and gentle care in the world, believe me.

Jacqui i know its been said but just to reiterate your friends mother is wrong and totally out of order. You could be totally naked in bed but it does NOT invite what he did to you, it was rape. The fact your shirt rode up is completely irrelevant, please please do not let her opinion sway you into doubting yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

Hi all. I thought you might like an update. I went to the counselor with the posts and discussed or at least started a discussion on the second incident. It was difficult and emotional. It's seems a lot of my difficulties with it are because of guilt that by not contacting the police after the first incident and then the second one happening I ruined any chance of a prosecution and left bf free to treat another girl like this. I am overtired but I hope that makes sense. We will work through this. Fannyfelch I hope you are reading. Thank you for your long and thoughtful post. I appreciate your concern and you have convinced me of the importance of getting a kit done and that what happened becomes on the record. I WILL get it done just not right now as the thought of being on display again would set me off. When I get it done I will post or pm you.
I spoke to friends mum about privacy and she got very huffy. Just two women talking what's the problem. Oh well.
I don't mind letting you know how the counseling is going because you tried to help a stranger.x

That's very brace and it's great that you want to stop this man doing this again. Thank you.

Go easy on yourself, you are the injured party remember and need to look after yourself first. Taking on the responsibility for him not offending again is adding stress and pressure to you, you mustn't feel guilty about not doing it.

you are taking great strides Jaqui, just really well done
And well done too for taking your friends mum face on. She can get huffy all she wants - your life is not entertainment for her behalf, and it wasnt 2 women talking, it was one older woman bullying a vulnerable youngster and making her feel really uncomfortable because she wanted to.
saying 'I dont want to discuss this' is fine.
asking for some privacy is fine.

Well done OP.
You don't owe any of us anything.
Obviously we'd love to hear that you are doing well and tackling everything.
But this is your journey and you share want you want.
Also well done on discussing privacy with your friends mum.
She needs to know that she overstepped serious boundaries and was victim blaming as well.
We don't mind if she was huffy as long as she heard you and gives you that privacy!!!
Keep going, you are doing so well.

Wow well done Jacqui you are such a brave and inspirational lady. Hopefully in time, the counselling will help more, and it might help you to contact the Police, even if to tell them about it, and to see if they can do anything.

Well done hun, tiny steps in the right direction is all you need on the road to being in a better place. One day at a time

You're damn right her boyfriend had drunken sex with her, sex she didn't consent to, twice over because of the lack of condom, and then again!
What part are you unclear about?!

He started to have sex with her when she was asleep, that isn't consenting! She got the condom out because she wanted to make sure she didn't get pregnant. She then said 'please don't' and he ignored her and pushed on with sex without a condom.

Sex without consent is called rape.

Are you the friend's mother, xCaro?

How are you doing Jacqui?

I'm hoping too that you're doing OK. You've a lot to deal with. Do take care of yourself no matter where the last week has taken you.

Hope you're doing ok xx

How are you Hun?

Been thinking of you too OP

Hi all, thanks for thinking off me. I've been meaning to post an update. It's going pretty well. I went through a bit of low period for a couple of weeks. Just depressed really but I'm much better now. I have stuck with the counseling and it has helped a lot. Friends mum is still being an arse but it's just trivial silly stuff now.
Right now I'm just focusing on getting my full time hours next month which will hopefully lead to moving out. I really believe that without the support of people on this thread I would still be back with him. I didn't have the confidence and self respect myself so I borrowed yours.