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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:26

Lipstick It isn't illegal at all if she concerned for her safety!

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 01:28

But when I let him have sex with me. I put a condom on him. I meant please don't ejaculate inside me.

OP posts:
MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:29

You asked him to stop though! No matter what the reason was!

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 01:29

You can’t lock him out a house that he owns,it’s illegal and provocative. It’s very bad advice
I wanted to ensure her safety right now but when I gave that advice I did not know that it was his house.

TBH I see where you are coming from about locking him out but personally in the same situation I would do it anyway and wait for the police.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/01/2018 01:31

Incorrect.she cannot prevent the owner accessing his own home unless there is a CO
She can call police,report crime,get a CAD, discuss risk and request he not be allowed access to property
I read this lock him out/change locks advice on mn a lot.and it’s incorrect

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 01:31

You can’t lock him out a house that he owns,it’s illegal and provocative. It’s very bad advice
Actually why the fuck am I apologising about saying to lock him out??

He raped her last night, also an illegal and provocative act.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:32

Honestly Jaqui - He Raped you. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard to accept when you love the person. But if you don't report this then it will happen again....

If not to you, then some poor other girl/girls

Slanetylor · 03/01/2018 01:32

You have NO blame here whatsoever. You woke up to him undressing you!! Look he is a total scumbag of the lowest sort. Please get out. You will end up pregnant with a violent abusive partner, if not this time soon. Taking away control of your reproductive rights is an awful abuse.

octoberfarm · 03/01/2018 01:34

The context of the sex changed when he removed the condom, which means he needed to gain consent again. It doesn't matter that you (albeit reluctantly) agreed the first time, you didn't give him that consent once the condom was removed - in fact you gave the complete opposite - which means that it was rape.

The fact he was so unapologetic, hungover or otherwise, is terrifying, and I think tells you all you need to know. If someone told me I'd done something like that, regardless of how hazy my memory was, I'd be beside myself Sad

As above, this website (https://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2482.aspx?CategoryID=118&SubCategoryID=124) has some excellent advice.

Keep yourself warm and safe, and be kind to yourself, okay? I promise you that this isn't your fault. Is there anyone in real life you could talk to? A friend or family member, or a trusted colleague? Either way, you can also call Rape Crisis for support. They'll be open in the morning and you can find more info about local centers here: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php. They won't push you into doing anything, but they will lend a good listening ear.

ByeByePrivacy · 03/01/2018 01:35

If you were my friend and you phoned or turned up on my doorstep to sleep on my couch I would be nothing but supportive. Even if we were not close or just work colleagues, I would be sad if you felt you didn't. No female acquaintance would turn you down to keep you safe tonight. You will not be able to sleep if he comes home for the worry. Get yourself safe however that is.
You will be minimising because that's natural but you were raped.

franjelico · 03/01/2018 01:35

I'm so sorry that this happened to you but you need to help yourself now or this could get much worse. I have severe anxiety over taking any pills so I understand, but I assure you, dealing with an unwanted pregnancy and possibly a termination could affect your anxiety and mental health for the rest of your life, and I am talking from experience. You still have time to take the morning after pill. And please, please for everyone who cares about you, for the fact the world will never see another you, you need to protect your life by leaving - a friend, women's shelter, anywhere but with an abusive partner. Sending all my best wishes, my heart breaks for you but you will be OK, you can fix this, let the police deal with that horrible man and look after number one.

Atticusss · 03/01/2018 01:37

It doesn't matter that you put the condom on him. It's still clear cut rape. You said 'no please don't' you were crying and he continued! You poor thing. It made very uncomfortable reading, and I'm just so sorry you went through that.

Besides the fact that firstly he was initially ttempting to enter you while you were asleep, which is definitely rape. Putting the condom on him does suggest consent, but the moment someone seems uncomfortable or freezes or asks you to stop anything other than stopping is rape. I'm so sorry.

Please leave, please report it. Go to a women's refuge, they will have the right advice. Please don't let him get away with this.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:38

OP are you ok? X

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 01:39

Thank you.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 01:39

Incorrect.she cannot prevent the owner accessing his own home unless there is a CO
Don't be so pathetic.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:41

What are you going to do? X

ellephant · 03/01/2018 01:41

The moment you said, "no please don't", (even if you meant to not ejaculate inside you) and you cried wanting him to stop, then he continued and held you down, he has raped you. I'm sorry this happened to you. Get the MAP in the morning and have a think about what is best for you. Have a chat with rape crisis, Samaritans or women's aid who may be able to offer advice. You have a few days to think about what you want to do, evidence can be taken up to 5 days if you want to report him. Do you have anywhere you can go? Do you live with him? This isn't a man you should spend the rest of your life with Thanks

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 01:42

All I have to show is an empty condom. I was squatting for an hour. Would I have any semen still inside me?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/01/2018 01:43

Don’t dispense yo! sassy inaccurate advice about locking him out
Others have posted appropriate links, advice . You haven’t added anything by posting this

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 01:43

The moment you said, "no please don't"
Even if she had not said "no", she never consented to having sex with him, it was rape any way.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 01:43

Course you will. His dna stays on your skin for 5 days

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/01/2018 01:45

Can you go to A&E to be seen?are there clinics located in a hospital near you?
You need support and to discuss physical well-being and contraception
Are you under a CMHT?

SparklyUnicornPoo · 03/01/2018 01:49

yes, he did. can you get to a pharmacy to get the morning after pill?

He knew you didn't want sex without a condom, you said no, it doesn't matter that you had previously 'let him' have sex with you (which frankly isn't great either, sex should always be a mutual thing).

It is natural to minimise this, i think its a coping thing, but it is very clear from outside that he raped you, have you got any friends you could call, even if they aren't close friends? You'd be amazed who will care in this sort of situation.

Mxyzptlk · 03/01/2018 01:51

Would I have any semen still inside me?

Yes, you would.
You need to get a morning after pill.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 03/01/2018 01:52

Would I have any semen still inside me?

Sorry, but yes, you will have, certainly enough for a swab to pick up if you feel able to go to the police.