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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 05:34

Hope you got some rest Jacqui
Get the MAP this morning & call rape crisis or the police if you can Flowers

ChickenMom · 03/01/2018 06:04

You need to get out. This man is a drunk, vile abuser and you will end up pregnant with no options if you don’t protect yourself. Do you have somewhere to go? Don’t wait until the morning. Go now if you have somewhere to go.

anxiousnow · 03/01/2018 06:15

More or less shoved you off toilet?! You need to leave now. Please get safe and get help.

BrandNewHouse · 03/01/2018 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huha · 03/01/2018 06:28

OP, please get out of there. Please call 101. This is NOT ok, he raped you twice. Are there any friends/Family you can go to right now?

PringlesPirate · 03/01/2018 07:01

OP. you are in a very vulnerable position and you need to seek some help in real life.

None of this is your fault.

Please be safe. Not just physically, but mentally too. Please seek contact with any of the telephone numbers mentioned.

Your partner may deny it.
Your partner may say he doesn’t remember.
Your partner may seem very sorry.
Your partner may do it again.

None of this is on you.
There is nothing wrong with you.

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 07:08

Do you have much stuff to take? Do you have anyone who can come and support you? Can you collect any essentials together and get out before he wakes up? I really don't want anything more to happen to you he has both physically and sexually abused you Sad please let us know your plan and when you're out of there!

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 07:39

Meant to also say - be careful reading or posting anymore to this thread before you get out. Get to somewhere safe and after from him first and then you can think about everything else Flowers x

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 07:39

Sorry - that was meant to say 'away' from him!

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 09:45

Hi all. I'm just in work now and can't really post. Still very shaky but trying to focus on the job at hand. When I left he was asleep and he'll be at work when I get in. I'm meeting an old school friend at lunch and I'm going to tell her. Do you mind if I show her this thread?

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 03/01/2018 10:10

You clearly need emotional support as you sound extremely vulnerable, niave and child-like. I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but why are you asking whether you can show a friend a public Internet forum (one that you have started?)? Of course you can! Has there been a history of violence or abuse in this relationship as you seem to have zero self-confidence which is incredibly sad and something you could address if you get yourself appropriate support.

Rather than meeting your friend for lunch, could you visit a local pharmacy, GUM clinic, the police or even your GP instead? You've emphasised your fear of falling pregnant, so perhas should prioritise getting the morning after pill, emotional support for yourself, as well as some sex education and advice.

What your partner did was completely unacceptable and it's so sad to hear you negate his dispicable behaviour by blaming yourself for initially consenting.

Why are you planning to go back to his house? Is there somewhere else you can go? Do you have family who can support you? Could you meet your friend later, following speaking to a professional who might be better placed to help you?

debbs77 · 03/01/2018 10:15

Definitely tell your friend and then ask her to come with you to get the morning after pill and go to the police

Desmondo2016 · 03/01/2018 10:15

Take the sheet off his bed. It could be useful evidence. Please feel free to pm me. I'm a police officer.

Stupidwife · 03/01/2018 10:25

m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8

No advice but this video may help you realise what is consent

Cbaanymore123 · 03/01/2018 10:33

Do you live together.

Please do tell your friend what happened hopefully she can help you through this.

Even though we are all here for your having someone in real life really helps.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 10:35

OP ignore MrsP! Of course you're vulnerable you've been raped.

Please do tell your friend and PLEASE PM DESMOND below xx

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 10:50

Well he came back drunk. He wanted sex and I told him about last night and the condom. He promised he didn't remember and was very sorry indeed. I agreed to have sex if he promised to wear a condom

You really need to decide what you are going to do now. If you want to get him arrested for rape, you won't be helping your case, by consenting to sex with your rapist, the night after he raped you. I realise this sounds blunt, but the Police aren't miracle workers. How would that sound in a court room? It's hard enough to prove rape as it is.

Personally, I think from reading your updates, that you want to define it as him not wearing a condom, without your consent, rather than rape. This is still not good enough is it? And it's now happened 2 nights in a row.

The whole set up, of him coming in pissed, and waking you up for sex sounds grim. Remove yourself from the situation would be my best advice. Do you have family nearby? Could you go home to your parents?

Only you know what you really want to happen. An only you can set wheels in motion, to remove yourself from his home.

You sound very vulnerable. Flowers

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 10:54

Can you say to work you feel sick or had some upsetting news to work and ask to leave at lunchtime (if not before)?

Meet your friend, show them this thread if you find it helpful and then try to find the courage to seek medical help. You ideally need to get advice and suitable emergency contraception asap. If you can manage it, I would strongly urge you report this because it is very likely he has done this before or will do it again. Ask your friend if they can support you to do this. You have us here for encouragement and virtual support. I'm sure there will be people who can answer any questions you have about the next steps.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2018 10:57

This is your thread and you can show whoever you want.
I would also suggest you contact Rape Crisis.
They can help you understand and come to terms with what has happened.
I'm glad you have a friend for support.
As a PP suggests, I would think with this behaviour from him, there is more abuse going on.
Please also contact Womens Aid.
Enquire about their Freedom Programme.
This will help with your self-esteem, assertiveness, boundaries, and spotting red flags and avoiding abusive assholes.
Good luck OP.
You deserve so much better than this.
I hope you manage to get the MAP quickly.

Huskylover1 · 03/01/2018 11:00

Can you say to work you feel sick or had some upsetting news to work and ask to leave at lunchtime (if not before)?

Very good idea. I doubt you'd be very productive today at work anyway. Take the whole afternoon to get the MAP, and have a good think.

octoberfarm · 03/01/2018 11:06

Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. He's a rapist and a bully and you deserve so, so much more than this.

Please do show this thread to your friend - as a PP said, it's yours to use as you need. Hope everything goes okay today, you're being so strong. You can do this.

MotherofaSurvivor · 03/01/2018 11:09

Yeah as you've agreed to Sex with him again I would say you've blown any chance of reporting him now......🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 11:12

I don't think you were in a position to consent, OP, you would have been half asleep! When you gave him a condom you were only protecting yourself from getting pregnant, you weren't in reality consenting to sex with him. It was pure reflex.

No, it was rape. You were asleep when he started fgs! Is there a friend you can stay with, you need to keep yourself safe from him.

Please contact the police and Rape Crisis, they're great. And see the pharmacist about the MAP, they can advise whether it's safe for you to take it, or if not, what's the best option. Thanks

gingergenius · 03/01/2018 11:13

It's a shame you felt you had no choice but to agree with sex again when he came home drunk. Difficult to hear but that won't have strengthened your situation. I hope you get support with this from your friend.

Lizzie48 · 03/01/2018 11:19

You definitely need to get away from him, OP, I've just seen that it's happened again. What a vile human being. Whatever else you're able to do, please get away from this man.