Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did my boyfriend rape me?

457 replies

Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 00:17

OK first off I have mental issues mainly around anxiety due to a chaotic childhood among other things. I take medication for this which does not react well to oral contraceptives. I am terrified, absolutely terrified, of the thought of becoming pregnant and have always made anyone I've been with wear a condom.
I've been with my current partner for eight months and although he hates condoms he has used them.
Last night he was out drinking and I was in bed asleep. I woke at 3am to find him very drunk pulling my pajama bottoms off. I was lying on my front and he was trying to enter me. I was tired but got up to get a condom and put it on him with much difficulty.
He turned me round, and with difficulty, muttering about my 'fat arse' he pushed my legs apart with he knees and entered me. He had sex with me for about ten minutes, I was tired and just waited him out. Eventually he pulled out and I thought he was finished but as I turned around he entered me again. I turned my head and saw him drop the condom on the duvet. I panicked straight away and said "no please don't". He just pushed in as far as he could go and held me in that position without moving. At this stage I was crying for him to stop. After just a minute I felt him jerk as he ejaculated inside me. He stayed in me for a bit longer and pulled out before walking to the toilet. He returned to find me crying and squatting on a Kleenex in the middle of the bedroom. He just gave me a woozy drunken look and went straight to sleep.
I was awake all night and confronted him when he finally woke. He claims he doesn't remember anything. Now I'm terrified of being pregnant. What should I do?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 02:34

Instead of insisting she needs to take MAP, perhaps the best advice is to speak to a doctor or a pharmacist about the best option for her?
If the MAP is unsuitable for any reason then another option is getting an IUD fitted, which can be done up to 120 hours afterwards.

Madcatter · 03/01/2018 02:36

Don't worry about trying to make sense of everything straight away. If you go to a SARC they can support you with no pressure so you can take your time deciding what you want to do. They'll also be able to help you with free emergency contraception so all your options are covered that way. Do you think he'll come home tonight? Please do get out of the house if you possibly can.

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 02:37

He's not back yet. I hope hell just fall asleep straight away
If you are worried at all when he comes home, don't hesitate to call 999.

Are you going to be alright tonight?

Is there any more information that you would like me to find for you to help you?

anxiousnow · 03/01/2018 02:37

Agree with pp. You don't need to make sense of it all and decide tonight. Please get yourself safe and get some support.

GardenGeek · 03/01/2018 02:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 02:38

That's what you hope but surely that's what you hoped last night? I am concerned that he did this once (and showed no remorse or concern) and is likely to be drunk again - and perhaps therefore feels he could do the same again Sad He could even try to claim or rationalise/justify that by staying in his house you were 'happy' or 'accepting' of last nights events. Please don't take any chances and get yourself out of there and to a place of safety. He might even act more arrogant or aggressive if he comes back a second time Sad

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2018 02:40

I know it's confusing OP but think about whether he would have thought he had consent. When you were asleep? Of course you hadn't consented! After you said, "no" and "don't"? Of course not! If someone clearly knows they don't have your consent, it's rape.

It's possible he could have thought you consented when you put the condom on. But ONLY until you said "no". After that, it's rape.

You can choose to report. You can choose to tell your doctor. You can choose to talk to a rape crisis counsellor or other support.

RideOn · 03/01/2018 02:50

I’m sorry OP but yes he did.

ChickieBoo · 03/01/2018 02:52

OP, I'm beginning to see how your mind is trying to build a picture. It's truly black and white.

He raped you.

There's plenty of support out there for you and even places for you to go when you speak to Women's Aid, The Police and your Local Council.

He needs reporting because he will definitely do this again otherwise. I have not a single doubt about it. He isn't even showing any remorse for goodness sake.

God forbid that one day you do get pregnant by this man. To completely avoid an unwanted child coming in to this world through those type of circumstances and a father that rapes, you need to report him. For your safety and other future women's safety, he needs reporting.

I wish I could help you in a physical capacity.
You can get through this, I promise.

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 03:00

I wish I could help you in a physical capacity
Me too, sometimes typing stuff feels so useless.

You can get through this, I promise
I know that she will as well.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 03:08

Well he came back drunk. He wanted sex and I told him about last night and the condom. He promised he didn't remember and was very sorry indeed. I agreed to have sex if he promised to wear a condom. I put it on and he entered me from behind and finished very quickly. When he pulled out and rolled over to sleep I sat down and there was semen spilling out of me he must have taken the condom when he turned me around. I'm sitting on the toilet crying. I'm going to leave first thing I will not put up with this. Thank you for staying up with me I'm very grateful.

OP posts:
user1485778793 · 03/01/2018 03:15

This man is a disgrace. You need to get well away from him. And the morning after pill

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/01/2018 03:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 03:17

I will first thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 03:19

It's scary thank you all.I will let you know I am safe.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 03/01/2018 03:21

Jaqui I am so sorry he has done this again. Stay strong with your resolution to leave first thing. He is vile and dangerous.

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 03:21

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 03:23

I am looking at the contacts you all gave me

OP posts:
user1471495191 · 03/01/2018 03:24

I'm so sorry this happened. At least you are in no doubt as to what he is like. Please take care of yourself and get some real life support - both medical and emotional if you feel you need it Flowers

PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 03:29

He promised he didn't remember and was very sorry indeed. I agreed to have sex if he promised to wear a condom
I am so sorry that this happened to you but your BF is not a nice man.

He did remember what he did, please don't let him pretend that he didn't.

Also, how can he be sorry if he doesn't remember it?

This man is a bastard and he is treating you like shit and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Sweetie, you seem like a lovely lady and you must know that you are worth more as a person than a million of him.

If I were you I would call a SARC first thing (list of them - thesurvivorstrust.org/sarc/) and then you can take it from there.

Take care sweetie.

FirsttimemumJan18 · 03/01/2018 03:41

@Jaquithefirst do keep us updated. What an a horrendous night you have had to endure. But you took the courage to seek help off Mumsnet which is a start. It’s difficult to see things clearly and doubt yourself but along with all the other ladies i agree that your so called boyfriend raped you and you know this deep down too. His lack of memory is NO excuse to force himself on you or anyone else for his own gratification. Please ensure you seek help and advice. Discreetly put any clothing/underwear you had on in a bag, you also have a log on here of what actually happened too. Do call the help lines and don’t be afraid to report it to the Police. x

Original poster
Jaquithefirst · 03/01/2018 04:13

Thank you all for your help and for staying up. I know I'm hard work. I should have listened to you earlier. He woke up ten minutes after what happened and came into the bathroom where I was sitting on the toilet and practically shoved me off so he could piss which was humiliating. He didn't say a word.

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 03/01/2018 04:28

Thank you all for your help and for staying up
No need to thank me, I was up anyway with a cat who is howling at the storm.

I know I'm hard work
You aren't hard work, stop putting yourself down.

I should have listened to you earlier
You took the time to post for advice and now you know that people care about you and want to help you. This has been horrible for you and you need time to get your head together and get things sorted out.

You will get there, sooner than you think.

Take care.

Prusik · 03/01/2018 05:10

Definitely seek medical support first thing op

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/01/2018 05:22

Please, love, get out first thing, get the MAP, get to a place of safety, report this evil man.