I’m in a bind, can’t believe this is happening.

[LadyCafe]

I hope I won’t receive harsh judgment. I’ve been married for 10 years and we have children. I’m pretty happy in our marriage and love my husband. Yes, some of the passion and excitement is gone. Believe or not, I’m the one who intitiates sex and willing to try new things. DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present. The kids always take a tole on the marriage as well.

I met a guy. A very good looking guy and he’s interested in me. It’s so tempting to take things further and I’m having a really really hard time saying no. He texts me, but not daily, which makes things confusing. I don’t know what he really wants. I mean, he wants sex but I don’t know if he wants a long term affair or not. Do affair partners contact one often?

Has this happened to anyone before? I honestly wasn’t looking to have an affair. I feel like it came out of thin air.

I can’t believe I’m talking like this and seriously considering it. I go back and forth, ie this is just for me to what on earth am I doing?!?

It’s not unusual to lose something of your former self when you become a mother. Some of it we shake off willingly as we embrace motherhood. Other bits are surrendered little by little, so slowly that we don’t notice and perhaps, if someone asked, we wouldn’t necessarily be able to articulate what had gone missing.
It’s been a long time since you’ve felt this way. This man has reawakened a part of you that’s been gone so long that you’d forgotten about it. It is understandable that you want to hang on to this feeling. You’re interesting, attractive, desirable. You want to keep feeling this way. If you take things further with this man, will you feel more of this? I know you say he’s gorgeous, but is that what you really think or are you attracted to the way he makes you feel, rather than to him.
You have so much to lose and I really hope you don’t have an affair. Everything else in your life will still be the same. Taking an evening off from the mundanity of life won’t change anything. It only risks the good things in your life.
I went back to work after 12 years at home. I didn’t love the job - I was only really doing it because we needed the money but the day I put work clothes on & did my hair & make-up was an odd one. I looked at myself & thought “I remember you” and then I went to work & saw myself through the eyes of other adults. And I came home & talked to my husband about my job and even though we had always been happy, it was good to interact with him in that way again too.
You need to rediscover old, forgotten feelings about yourself. People on MN often say “you don’t have a MiL problem you have a dh problem”. I don’t think you have a marriage problem, you have a ‘you’ problem. Sorry to waffle.

My advice would be, to reverse the situation, how would you feel if your DH had written this post?

YY to mabel.
What has turned your head is the way this OM makes you feel. It's the attention, the flattery, somebody fancies you. It's all about your ego. The man himself is on his 3rd affair??? steer well clear.
Having been on all three sides of the 'triangle' (in my much younger days) I can assure you that affairs are HORRIBLE for everyone concerned. Don't do it.

How old are your children?

Why don't you want to leave your husband? You don't sound happy in the marriage and he sounds miserable as sin too.

BattleCuntGalactica I'm crying with laughter. That would be a very interesting twist in the thread.

@DearMrDilkington in my defence, i was left unsupervised.

I genuinely think that married people who have affairs should have some kind of legal repercussions. It’s illegal in some countries and states in America. You can be fined or get prison time I think. At the end of the day, you entered into a contract with your husband and being faithful was part of that contract. If you’re not upholding your end of the contract there should be repercussions IMO.

OP - sorry but people on here can be so judgemental. They don't know what it is like to be in YOUR marriage.

Lots of people have affairs for lots of reasons. I am not saying it is a nice thing to do. But it is not a simple as 'don't do it' 'work on your marriage' etc

Do you love your husband? Can you imagine a life without him?

I had an affair btw - still with the guy now. Left my husband in the end.

OP, which do you want more?
A steamy affair that will absolutely 100% end in someone's tears
Or to put some work into reevaluating your marriage and changing things to give you opportunity to go out and forge an independent life for yourself?

poppett Of course people will be judgemental. If you get married you make vows. If you get to a point where you want to break those vows, you behave decent and leave the marriage before fucking someone else. To do anything else is selfish and gives no thought to anyone else.

I totally get the temptation of an affair, particularly in a long term marriage with children. I really truly do. But this stood out for me:

'I hear about long term affairs without the spouse getting caught and I think, well I can have that'

Honestly if that's how my husband felt and the only thing putting him off was being caught then I would want him to leave me.

*Oops posted too soon
*
I'm guessing there are a lot of things people would consider doing that little bit more if they were certain they wouldn't be caught out. Human nature I suppose.

My husband works. I'm a SAHM. My eldest is disabled and we have very little in the way of family support. Our life is without a doubt pretty fucking boring. But my husband is also the person who I have spent the best part of my adult life with. He's the person who has dragged me through some of the worst times of my life. He's the person who has paced the floor with me at 2am when our newborn had colic and wouldn't sleep. So yes it's not the first flush of romance and nor am I always happy. But I would like to think if the opportunity to cheat presented itself I would feel at least a little bit guilty whether or not he would find out.

If you can't offer your husband even that much then you should really end your marriage.

DH has also been moody this past year. He doesn’t seem to listen when I talk and isn’t present** Are you sure he's not having an affair?

Are you sure he's not having an affair?

Or he knows OP has.

I appreciate you and this man have formed an intimate bond but that doesn’t mean you can believe everything he says. If he can lie and repeatedly cheat on the person he’s meant to be closest to, he can easily do it to you. If he struggles with monogamy he shouldn’t have gotten married and he should leave his wife. There’s a chance his wife knows about the other affairs which I think he’s played down to you. There’s a good chance she will find out about your relationship with him. She could make your life very difficult and quite rightly so. You’re invading their intimate relationship. Most mums I know want to go out more, I know I do. I have a close relative whose two teenage children refused to ever speak to her again after her affair was discovered. Thirty years later they still don’t talk to her and it breaks her heart. I know it’s more likely your relationship with your children would be damaged rather than ended but don’t dismiss this possibility. You’ve clearly posted because you know what you’re thinking isn’t logical and other posters have done a good job of dissecting any excuses and highlighting the fall out. Please don’t have an affair. Take some more time for yourself, get a part time job, volunteer, get a new hobby, do an open university course etc. You’ll feel better about yourself and then you can decide if your relationship with your husband is salvageable. X

OP, my husband had a 'long term' affair with my friend. I found out because she was stupid enough to keep their pathetic sexts on her phone and her husband found them.

I had a breakdown, my husband and I are now separated, I have PTSD.
However, I also have my integrity, many friends, hope for the future, am looking forward to dating again when I'm ready, my own money, etc etc.

My friend? She has nothing. Her husband hates her, her kids are miserable, she is ostracised by all her former friends at school (who unsurprisingly sided with me). She looks appalling and is clearly suffering galloping depression. All she richly deserves. I wonder whether it was worth it? I very much doubt it.

Although by the sounds of it, you and your OM sound suited, in that you're both self-absorbed, selfish, self-pitying narcissists.

There is a lot of angry responses here - wow!

Cheating won't make things better in the long run but I understand the idea of an escape right now. It is hard to look at the bigger picture and future when right now you see something that will make you feel better practically immediately.

I am not saying go and do it. But, despite what many people have said on here, that doesn't actually make you a terrible person if you do. When people post on here about having an affair it scares people. It scares them because you are stating a lot of their worst fears in a relationship. It can happen to anyone.

I have been cheated on. It hurt huge of course. But I held no ill-will towards them because I know people are made up of more than just crappy decisions.

Do not cheat.
Speak to your dh.
Only you can decide whether to leave or stay.
I can guarantee separating under amicable circumstances us far, farbetter for everyone.
Having an affair will destroy you, your dh, your DC and others.

Just remember that you don't solve problems within a marriage by going outside the marriage for a solution.

You either commit to working on your marriage with your husband or you leave him and let him get on with his life. Cheating is the coward's way out.

I guess what I mean about renegotiating the terms of your marriage is sitting down with your husband and telling him you don't like the distance between you or the lack of interest you feel is there, and you need things to improve. Perhaps some honest dialogue about where you both are in the marriage is a start. I did the same thing with my husband three and a half years after my affair and things didn't change so I informed him the marriage was over. Actually I'm being slightly disingenuous as I had also met somebody else who I was interested in and following no improvement, decided to end the marriage and start seeing him. In fact it didn't work out but the sex was fantastic! I had a fabulous 10 years on my own, our son was 4 when we split, then i met my second husband.

I realised the gentleman I had the 6 month affair with was a serial philanderer because he was somebody I saw through business. He had at least 2 other affairs I was sure about and probably many more. His wife knew, but also had her 'friends' too. It worked for them. They are still together after at least 35 years of marriage.

Actually @noonelsetoblame our actions and decisions are exactly what makes us who we are. People that cheat are morally weak, there's just no need to treat someone so badly and deceitfully when you can just leave amicably.

OP if my partner had the thoughts you were having " I hear about long terms affairs where they haven't been caught & I think, I can have that" well to echo what someone else said , I would want my partner to leave if that was what was truly on his mind...
My suggestion , leave your husband , let him find a decent woman & you go do the dating scene, get treated like crap by these players who you deem as "gorgeous " and see how that turns out for you.

Emmasmum2013 "I genuinely think that married people who have affairs should have some kind of legal repercussions. It’s illegal in some countries and states in America." Yikes, I hate the idea of that, and I've never cheated. But if my dh did it would be between me and him, not the state.

You sound very self centered, your poor dh. Sort out your marriage one way or another, for your kids sake if nothing else, and then look for sex elsewhere once you are single if that's what you want to do.

And by the way, your life sounds pretty much like my life but I'm not considering fucking around, because as hard as it is I love my dh and kids!

I struggle with the concept that women should be the endless faithless loyal wife regardless of a husband's neglect. And that's what it is - neglect - and I am rather shocked at the reaction on this thread. It's neglect that has made the OP feel this pull towards the other man however misguided that might be. I have utter sympathy and have been there.
I have felt just like the OP does, lonely, abandoned and mindnumbingly bored ...an utterly miserable existence. I tried to connect with my husband, tried to find common ground, tried to make our sex life exciting, suggested counselling - whilst also raising children, cooking dinners, shopping, cleaning, studying, making a lovely home.. bla bla bla. All soul destroying when you get nothing back.
I'm with you OP - I totally get where you're coming from and I did it, I did the unforgivable - I had an affair and left for another person and it was the bloody best thing I ever did ( and probably for my husband and children too because the marriage was making us all miserable). I was married to a miserable misery grump of a man who was terribly cross with me the entire time even though I was totally honest where I was up to - HOWEVER and it was a big HOWEVER I chose someone who wanted to take on my children as their own, who was (and remains) devoted to me and who I had fallen in love with and who was also in love with me.
I think you are bored and lonely in your marriage OP and you should be forgiven for wanting to embark on the path that you're intending to and there undoubtedly needs to be a change. I'm not sure, however, that being Mr. Third Affair's third affair is the right thing for you, maybe just see this all
as a warning sign and be careful about the choices you make.