Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

I left a 20 yr relationship last year.
The sex was bad/absent for much of the 2nd half of that.
H had physical difficulties with it. I didnt want it (ill health).
We had two kids with SEN and money worries etc. No 'time off'.
He convinced me I must 'be frigid'. We had separate rooms as he would not share a room let alone a bed with me unless I had sex with him.He stopped all forms of physical affection, and most emotional.
He told me I was a 'bad wife'.
I discovered, a year after leaving, I am not frigid at all.
Sex is usually not the issue in itself. It is a barometer for the rest of the relationship.

Gosh it's gotten a bit heated on this thread.

I had the same reaction as Offred.

You have to admit it does look that way. 'Yes I'll have the comfy relationship and sex until I've had the kids... oh by thr way darling i have never really wanted sex all these years so am proposing a sexleas marriage now. I want to stay in the house, have all the comfort of our marriage but want to take a fundamental part of the relationship off the table indefinitely'.
No it doesn't. She's not changed much in her views over this time, op even states they've spoken about it in the past. She hasn't refused him sex in all this time, despite (apparently) not really being into it. It's only now he's been criticizing and pushing other things that she's finally said she wants a break. She's being honest. And they agreed a break for a few months, not a lifetime. This far into it (weeks?) I'm amazed op is projecting so far ahead. He's said he's never really been happy with her contribution, maybe they're just incompatible. Which is why it gets my back up that he's still trying to force a change. Obviously that's between the two of them, but I wouldn't be happy with someone trying to force my comfort zone, so to speak.
As to him having tried to solve the problem, not has he tried giving her a break, a nice weekend away together, a few months of nurturing without sex on the table, spoken to professionals about what the problem may be and how to solve it together, read up on the subject, asked for advice about how to interest her more, brought up the subject of trying new things and finding out what she might be interested in. Or just criticised and introduced sex toys with the expectation of using them, with no prior discussion as to what she would find interesting? V domineering, and not in a good way.
And *how the fuck does he know she's not interested unless he tries them?'... How about asking, rather than springing them on an already not v happy partner?

ellie your DH has treated you appallingly. Like a toy he didnt want to play with until someone else took a bit of a shine......

And he was also happy to take the misogynistic view that women dont/shouldnt like sex and use this as a way of slut shaming you.

The problem is him

Or just criticised and introduced sex toys with the expectation of using them, with no prior discussion as to what she would find interesting? V domineering, and not in a good way.

Another one with a failure of reading skills and an obsession with sex toys. All the OP said was he'd bought a sex toy. We don't know whose idea it was, whether they tried it or whether his DW was involved. It might have been something that was discussed for all we know. We also don't know when it was. It might have been 10 years ago. There's nothing to suggest it was in the last few weeks since he found out his DW's true feelings. To call him V domineering because you can't read his posts properly is not on. Why don't you ask the OP for some more background into the sex toy episode if it grates so much?

Another one with a failure of reading skills and an obsession with sex toys

Ah, you're hilarious not . No, op didn't say he did, but he didn't say he didn't either. If he had spoken about, or tried all the things I mentioned, I'm assuming he would have mentioned them, as it would have given a better indication of how he had tried to understand and overcome the problem. I may be wrong. I may be right. Whatever. For all your talk of other ppl misinterpreting or assuming things, it's interesting how you assert your view is correct, but opposing views aren't. A different view doesn't mean a failure of reading skills . You do seem to be exhibiting a failure in manners and politeness though. I'm not getting into it with you, as I'm mature (and polite) enough not to keep haranguing someone over a difference in opinion, which you seem to revel in, this being the second consecutive post of mine you've taken exception to.
Hope you take a few suggestions away from the thread, op. Don't give up on your DW, I believe you're going through a rough patch, communication isn't too good between you two, but I think her trying to accommodate your wishes in the past shows she does love you. Don't throw it away.

but he didn't say he didn't either

Then you shouldn't judge him for what he hasn't done.

it's interesting how you assert your view is correct,

I haven't. I've asserted that a negative assumption based on the information is bullshit. Yours is a typical example. OP mentions he's bought a sex toy. You conclude he's domineering. If it's not a failure of reading skills it's the influence of your own prejudice.

which you seem to revel in, this being the second consecutive post of mine you've taken exception to.

I don't revel in it. I just feel someone has to challenge people's bullshit assumptions for the sake of the OP. He's had his world turned upside down and people like you call him "v domineering" because he once bought a vibrator.

Fibtronic and Offred - i think you are not just way off the mark but perversely insensitive. Notbad is absolutely right to call you out on what is nothing less than speculation, assumption in bad faith and judgemental finger wagging. You are reading behind what’s been written - not just to ask further of OP - but to draw obtuse conclusions which you then post to condemn him for - Talking about him like he’s not even here! Just nasty gossips.
I could speculate both posters are probably unhappy, have poor relationships, are highly judgemental and ‘ I’m picking up’ disrespect which often betrays an abusive personality lurking underneath...,,do you see how it works yet?

Fitbitironic
They have agreed to review it as a break in a couple of months now, but that wasn't wjat the wife said to start with.

There's clearly a lot going on in this marriage. I'll admit, my gut instinct feels lile it is a bit sudden to be all 'i want it all to be the same without sex' as i think it does shift the dynamic.
If my DH came home today and said 'i want us to continue sleeping naked and do everything the same but just no sex now.. oh and i've not really been into it for a while', i would feel hurt, confused and betrayed.

I think people having a go at the OP like he is some kind of sex pest is really not on.

Like some have said, if a woman posted here 'my DH wants me to keep everything the same but remove sex' thry would be told to LTB by a lot of posters who would claim the DH only wanted someone to do the wife work and he'd happily fuck off as soon as he saw someone younger/more attractive.
I do feel the OP has been given a hard time.

Anyone else not at all shocked that the OP has disappeared? They only needed advice...

Not at all surprised.
They came on seeking advice, feeling hurt and confused, admitted they've tried to work on a relationshio but accept more work needs to be done if the marriage is to survive and in return they've ended up being hounded by some posters and called a sex pest.
I wouldn't bother coming back either.

Some judgy comments on here. I don't blame you for not wanting to stay in a sexless relationship. It's difficult you clearly love this woman. I wouldn't fall for the "you can have sex with other women" thing as she could name this in your divorce and there's no proof she "let" you. See how it goes for another few months and if she's really not interested, go for marriage counselling. If it doesn't work and you don't think you can stay, then don't. It's not a bad thing to want intimacy in a relationship. Just don't cheat on her x

A lot of marriages become sexless unfortunately, and there are various ways to deal with it. She might be open-minded about you seeing someone else, provided she feels secure that you're not going to abandon her. I say might. :)

Fibtronic and Offred - i think you are not just way off the mark but perversely insensitive. Notbad is absolutely right to call you out on what is nothing less than speculation, assumption in bad faith and judgemental finger wagging. You are reading behind what’s been written - not just to ask further of OP - but to draw obtuse conclusions which you then post to condemn him for - Talking about him like he’s not even here! Just nasty gossips.
The way it seems to work on here is that when someone gives their opinion from reading the op (which we all do, that's the point) and it isn't the popular opinion, certain ppl will try to attack this, taking apart the post statement by statement. We all do this based on our own personal experiences. Any further explanation is jumped on, whether or not it has also been already been made by another pp or not.
I'm not the most eloquent, but at no point have I referred to op as a sex pest. I pointed out the things he hadn't tried, as other pp had also done, I also stated my opinion (in response to an aggressive dig from another poster) that in a similar situation ie not enjoying but still having sex, I would find it quite domineering to have sex toys suddenly introduced without any conversation. Yes, some of this is speculation, but I did not accuse the op of doing this, I offered it as a possibility. It amazes me that I and others are accused of being nasty gossips, etc, when only doing the same as the accusers. Offering a viewpoint. I can really see why ppl say mn has gone downhill, as so many people are unable to accept different viewpoints and feel the need to attack someone for having the opposing view. I gave my view the same as everyone else on here, I haven't been personally abusive to op, yet am now being told I'm a nasty gossip and browbeaten into accepting the view of someone else? It's a nasty place here sometimes.

I would find it quite domineering to have sex toys suddenly introduced without any conversation.

You're still doing it! You don't know if they were "suddenly introduced" or not! So any conclusion you make based on how such an occurrence would make you feel is fine, but your opinion isn't as valid regarding the OP than someone else's because yours is based on something that didn't happen with the OP. Your lack of insight is amazing and now you're claiming to be the victim of MN nastiness. The OP is the victim of MN nastiness.

Jesus not, I really don't understand how you don't get it. I gave that as an example of how a certain reaction could happen. I categorically did not say, 'op, you suddenly sprung this on your wife and I expect she felt like this'... I said if this happened. Obviously a bit too subtle for you, but keep banging on about how I'm wrong. And I've never said my opinion is more valid than anyone else's, in fact I thought my previous post suggested the opposite .

And to be clear, I'm not claiming to be the victim of mn nastiness as such, just the victim of you really , who can't seem to accept my opinion is different to yours, I may have interpreted something differently, but instead of accepting when I have tried to clarify what I meant, you ignore it and still continue to tell me what (you think) I meant. Talk about a lack of insight...
Say what you like (I'm sure you won't be able to resist another bitchy comment), but I've no idea how you think it helps anyone, not least the op) to have a pop at someone giving their opinion on a public forum. Esp when you keep telling them they're doing something they're not.

said if this happened.

You've never said this.

Then pushing the matter by criticizing to her face and trying to introduce things she has no interest in. Oblivious

This is what you wrote. Your post higher up this page speculates as to whether he's done a list of things you would think appropriate or

just criticised and introduced sex toys with the expectation of using them, with no prior discussion as to what she would find interesting? V domineering, and not in a good way.

At no point have you wondered how the sex toy episode happened. I don't understand how you don't get it.

And by nastiness from me, you mean not letting your unfounded attack on the OP go unchallenged.

No, you are right, I did not actually write the word 'if', although this is how I was thinking of it at the time. Apologies for getting that wrong.

However, I tend to take the op as it is written, so no, I didn't ask a whole bunch of other questions, as I regarded the op as having included all relevant detail. As many others have also done with their comments, on every other thread I have ever read. I can see this has struck a nerve with you, for whatever reason and there's no point in trying to explain the reasoning behind my comments, as it seems you have your fixed idea on what I meant, regardless. And I did speculate on a list of things which I thought would be helpful in a situation such as this, which op mentioned none of. Because if he hasn't tried them I think they would help. Even if you read it as me having a go. Don't know why you are so obsessed on calling out one comment on sex toys, among all the rest. No point arguing though, as I said (or think I did, maybe I'm paraphrasing) earlier, everyone has their own opinion, and each is as valid as the rest.

Don't know why you are so obsessed on calling out one comment on sex toys

Because the fact the OP "bought" a sex toy has been used against him repeatedly. It's been mentioned the most in the posts critical of his actions. It's become the focus point of everything he's supposed to be doing wrong and been used to criticise him. Even though it was the briefest of mentions and no one has any idea about the circumstances behind what happened with the purchase of the sex toy. It's also the perfect example of how people on this thread, and many other threads on MN read one thing and extrapolate based on their own prejudice then wonder why the OP "isn't listening" or disappears. It has struck a nerve because I see it all the time here. Some Mumsnetters would be terrible jurors.

Each opinion is not as valid as any others. When you base your opinion of wild extrapolations, your opinion isn't as valid as those who base it on the facts as written.

Hi, as the OP I didn’t expect to post on here again but despite some comments, I genuinely learnt something from some people and I know my DH too did as I invited her to read it.

In some respects, a lot has happened in the last 4 months but then , it sort of hasn’t. To go into detail here would require a huge, long post that would bore the hell out of you.

It’s fair to say that things got worse, a lot worse before things started to get better. We realised that there was more wrong in our relationship than just sex. We ‘separated’ although in reality that for some of that time meant no real change except for spending more time apart but still in same bed. Then, eventually, we were in separate beds.

We have learnt a great deal about how we have ended up in this state and if it weren’t so painful, it would be fascinating. I’ve been having counselling on my own as well as doing a whole load of reading and reflection; my DH is reticent to go to counselling but has confided in a couple of people she trusts as well as done a lot of reading on her own and keeping a journal to help her work through things.

After a period of say 2 months when it felt as if we lurched from one low point to an even lower point with it increasingly looking as if there was only one outcome (on more than one occasion she told me it was over), we finally hit rock bottom and rather than crack apart, we ‘bounced’ a little.

So, we are now back in the same bed, although nothing remotely sexual has happened. However, the other aspects of our relationship have started to improve and there is more respect for one another and generally we are being more loving.

But it feels as if we’re back to where this all started – sex! While trust me, to be where we are given where we were just 6-7 weeks ago is great and we’d both rather this than going back to where we were, I don’t know if we can deal with the issue of sex as she still doesn't feel anything for me in that respects.

The intimacy we have is nice but is very gentle and sweet and so even though the kiss or cuddle isn’t meant to be sexual, the absence of that underlying passion / desire is tangible and so while it is a comforting experience, it ends up feeling…. polite.

We are in something of a ‘no man’s land’ at the minute – we’re mostly past the turmoil that was January and February – and have got to a safe place that is much easier and life day to day is much easier and enjoyable both as a couple and family.

But we also both accept that if we can’t have a sexual relationship, then we need to go our separate ways, and so there is a fear to try and move forwards because we may realise the uncomfortable, desperate truth.

Over the last few months I have really learned a lot about myself, my wife and our relationship and I know I am truly in love with her, want to spend my life with her and I want to make her happy and feel special.

But I want to be loved in the same way with the same passion and commitment and neither I or she knows if she can reciprocate. Clearly our children are part of our motivation to sort things out but I don’t want my OH to stay with me for them, I want to be wanted / needed for me.

I don’t want to break up our family, I really don’t. I know the pain this would lead to, least for a period of time, would make the last few months pale into comparison.

I know my OH will keep trying to work things out – I must stress I recognise I am at least half of the problem and need to be part of the solution but my OH has identified that in terms of sex, she needs to address certain things on her own – and we could stay in this state for many, many more months.

I believe her when she says she hopes and wants us to stay together – though as I say, not sure how much I am part of her motivation – but increasingly I find myself wondering if, like a million love songs say, if I really love her should I be prepared to set her free so she can be truly happy, whether that is on her own with someone else? Or is it best to hang in there, fighting for her, fighting for us?

Turns out this was a monster post anyway, imagine how long it would have been if I’d gone into detail 😊 😊

Thanks for reading

I think it's a case of waiting and seeing. If you are enjoying each other's company and getting on then who knows, those feelings might develop again. They might not of course, but I think it's pretty early days given the emotional rollercoaster you've been on.

When you haven't had sex for a long time it is really awkward etc so hang on in there for now and give it a chance to come back!

if I really love her should I be prepared to set her free so she can be truly happy, whether that is on her own with someone else?

For me it's not so much about loving her, but loving and respecting yourself. I couldn't be in a marriage where my husband had to figure out if and when his feelings or desire to have sex with me will return.

My view is I'm worth more than that and won't have my self esteem damaged by being with a man who clearly has no sexual attraction for me, when I can find the happiness I want elsewhere.

Or is it best to hang in there, fighting for her, fighting for us?

I wouldn't hang in there and the pp who have said you should...would not give that advice to a woman.

Your wife doesn't desire you. I don't see this changing. What would make it change?

You only get one life.
You can't make her want you in that way.

You're flogging a dead horse.

I don't know why it's so rarely acknowledged that women can just get very bored having sex with the same person for years on end. It's assumed that men do, perhaps some do, but just as many probably don't.

So, it's all back to normal for you. Normal for you is not having sex. However much you love her, or you are in love with her, you are still unsure whether she is motivated by love for you or simply to keep up this charade for some reason. It's the latter. It really is.

When two people who love each other and are in love come so close to loosing each other the emotional upheavals you go through usually present as a desire for sexual intimacy. It's not enough to hug or hold hands. She shows no sign whatsoever of being in love with you or having any desire for you.

The more you prostrate yourself and become not a man, not a sexual being, but a sad desperate lap dog the less desirable you will be. Not fashionable I know. No amount of desperate acts such as fawning, housework, childcare or being all submissive, begging, pleading or appeals to her are going to make her suddenly fancy you.

If I were her, I'd pitty you. It's really not a very attractive look!

I'm confused op, is your spouse male or female? Is gender confusion part of the problem?