Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

…and yet people still come on and read it after finding themselves in the same situation.
Go figure…

Zombie thread but you should know that the one detail missing from most of OPs posts, is that he cheated on her - funny how that wasn't dripped in until towards the end. I feel no empathy

Yeah @Munch72 start your own thread if you need to, the whole picture wasn't made clear.

Thanks @Hissy I will if I think necessary.

One day you will be dead.
Are you ok with no sex between now and then?
Move into another room to sleep, as it seems you are supplying her need, but having yours denied. Akin to being starving, then having a tasty roast dinner placed in front of you but: not permitted to partake of it.
Suggest this sleeping apart for your 'trial period'.
Me:
I was told one day that "I don't want to have sex anymore", I was stunned as there was no prior discussion etc etc. I was not 'involved' in the decision ....
Long story short ... was big part of split. Perpetual frustration overlaid everything.. That was me tho.

Yours is a difficult situation I know from experience. Have you really had a heart to heart over this.
A sexless marriage isn't all bad IF both parties are happy with the situation, it is difficult at first but gets easier as time goes by.
An example, my wife and I now don't sleep in the same bed, we don't see each other naked anymore except by accident, we haven't had sex for 3 yrs.
Reading between the lines you are not happy with this situation. Speaking to a councillor may help you, suggest you go on your own certainly at first.
I think you have some serious thinking to do as to whether you live with this situation or end it for both your sakes, sex outside the marriage is going to cause you so many mixed feelings and heartache.

My wife has also turned into the wife who will always refuse intimacy. There's no talking about it, nothing. It's what she wants and what she'll get. I have since given up trying or anything else as she's even said, it's nice what you've done but it's not going to get you anywhere. Fast forward to now, she's mad because a possible weekend plan to get away is no longer an option and now she's mad because "we were supposed to have alone time"? We are alone every day and night. Im not buying this

Being happy alone is far preferable to being unhappy together.
Perhaps suggest an 'allowance' from the budget to have your sexual needs provided elsewhere ..... Nothing to lose