Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

You are red wine, and perhaps a great, well bodied, fruity, slightly smokey quality red wine.....

But your wife only, and will forever only drink white wine.

Nothing wrong with red, just doesn’t do it for her, no matter the amount of cajoling, sweet talking, discussion, sulking, arguing.......

She’s white, you’re red.

If you read Men are from Mars and took that awful, misogynistic bullshit seriously, then your marriage is definitely doomed.

I disagree with this.

I've read it and it's quite interesting and realistic. People use the word misogynistic way too much these days, in inappropriate circumstances as well.

Nothing in the book from my recollection shows a hatred of women..or gives the view that men are better than women. We're just different and think and act differently.

Nope. As anyone with any sense said when that crock of shit came out - Men are not from Mars, Women are not from Venus and, dear fuckwitted author, You are talking out of Uranus.

Valdo, I just read this entire thread and I at first wondered if you were my husband! We have similar issues going on. Just wondering if you have an update?

My wife and i have been together for 10 years, 2 young children 3 and 5, good marriage generally , ups and downs like every relationship. Both work professional jobs, both active and enjoy our times together. We have a good set of friends and family.
My concerns, for a couple of years my wife has used social media more and more, even to the point of being on her phone when we are having a discussion and worse we went for dinner together and she spent the whole meal messaging. I was more disappointed than annoyed. With both of us working i take our personal time together seriously however i feel she does not, she now works part time in the evenings for 1 hour but its right where we had that shared time after the children have gone to bed. She doesnt need the money but insists its to help a friend out, i have no miss trust about this but worry she seems to be ok with doing it 5 nights a week. We have had a good love life up to about 6 months ago, things have slowed down as far as intimacy are concerned and now it's non existent.
The last time I approached her she was totally distant, I asked her what was wrong. She said the following.
You can do what you want but I don't feel anything anymore, I don't like sex with you, I want to be made love to.
Obviously shocked I backed away and asked her to explain that more, she said simply, thats how it is.
Since this I have been in genuine confusion, I'm scared to approach the subject with her, I'm scared to be close to her, I'm scared to offend her, I'm scared of what's going on in her mind.
I love and adore her and cherish our relationship and our family.
Confused and feel lost on how to solve this.

I know this will cause uproar but I can’t understand why ladies meet a man have a great sex life then decide it’s ok to just stop the man has to just put up and shut up...
well I’m sorry if they have any brains they must know men will stray and get it else where... and I think they should...

I have been in this situation for a few years now. It’s hard, at times wonderful, at times it hurts like Hell. My OH is not well, it’s progressive and won’t get better.
She has told me sex is off the table, the rest of the relationship works, she just doesn’t.

I’ve had many sex workers, 5 affairs, 2 of which I fell in love with, and then realising the there would never be trust because of the way we met, we split. The rest has been, okay-ish, the majority of sex workers don’t want to be there, occasionally You’ll meet a good one. The amount of women who hear about such relationships and think aww that’s sweet is awful. It’s not sweet, it’s neglect. Am I happy going outside the marriage, not really, would the marriage survive if I didn’t? No.

So here is the question to all those ready to jump up and down screaming, my wife won’t go to therapy, doesn’t want sex, isn’t into any of it, has said she is looking forward to the menopause so she can stop with all this business. She is also ill, needs me, and wants me in her life.

Do I leave her, or carry on sleeping around without telling her?

Hi,
well all what I can tell you is that we share a lot , a lot in common ....
I'm with my partner together for about 12 years and of course we have a beautiful family , 3 amazing children 5 years old , 4 years old and 2 years old . the same before we use to argue a lot because of lack of sex ... well more like frustration to be honest ... we are perfect for each other we are so compatible we shared a lot values and activities in common . but when it comes to sex she told me the same she just doesn't feel like to have sex anymore... it is super sad because I don't feel old I'm 34 years old and she is 35 years old and I love her so much that I would like to split because of it . So we had come to an arrangement to try to have sex once and maybe twice a week but the only problem is that she may allow me to have a quick sex I don't feel like she connect to be able to feel like having sex .. well im happy that she is trying for me but I don't know if this will work in a long term ..!! I had tried couple of months before and it only made it worse I was feeling worthless ( not appreciated at all ) and we disconnected our feeling even worse which I did wanted to end but it was making me depress and sad so sad not only for leaving her but for the sake of our 3 kids . at this moment we are trying to re connect but the sex is not improving .. I don't know what to do if its ever will be better. !! I started focusing on whats positive and I'm trying to control my emotions and meditate to help me to work our our relationship . for now she has told me the same maybe I can have another girl as open relationship but as longer I tell her ... and when she will feel for another guy I should let her too.. however I don't know if this is healthy or not . of course I'm not trying to be controlling or jealous which I'd be jealous but in the same time I just wish she could feel same way as the beginning passion and love. now all this just make me sick and sad because I don't want to break up my family :( is this happening to everybody ?? this it really sucks .... communication is essential but at the end if there is not feeling for the other one ( sexual feelings ) sex is 0

Male here.
About a year ago I was told:
"I dont want sex anymore" ... just like that.
I won't have sex if it has to be forced. So ..
Have tried many times to instigate ... rejection aint enjoyable.
Feels like a growing bubble inside me ... self service doesn't lessen the bubble. Frustration makes me 'angry' sometimes.
Not an easy subject to raise:
"Why did you stop wanting sex?" not easy

This thread is often rehashed.. I recommend those rehashing it read the John Gottman marriage series.

Any updates?

Your children are young and it is a consideration when thinking about staying in a relationship, but the fact is that this relationship will not make you happy. The longer it continues , the longer it will eat you up and the more animosity will be created. You are still young enough to meet someone else, you don't want to wake up one day and realise how unhappy you have been

You are clearly not happy and you are also putting an act on to try and make her happy which will probs work for a little while then you will probably explode into a emotional mess, so your wife is controlling the sex, what else does she control, she sounds happy in the relationship coz she has you on a string mate, stuff that, she has not put your feelings in consideration, she is quite happy not having sex and expects you to do as she says, soon their will be something else she wants to start and control, the problem is you are getting manipulated and you love her more than she loves you.

she doesn't want anything to change

Well of course she doesn't. She has her cake, eats it, and has a live in skivvy to boot

Is she just managing me?

Do you really even need to ask that.....cmonnn. She wants you off her case so she can carry on with her comfortable life, and not have to address the inconvenience of your needs.

You're flogging a dead horse here but by the time you realise that it will be way too late. Wake up.

It sounds like she loves you but just has no desire for sex.
I'm the same, I am asexual and got to a point where having sex with my husband made my mental health nose dive, felt like abuse.
I loved my husband but just couldn't have sex any more.
He chose to leave.
You can't make someone have sex if they don't want it, it's awful for the person with no drive and feels like rape.
You really have a decision to make, are you prepared to stay in a marriage with no sex, or leave? Those are your choices.

I don't buy into that crap about not wanting sex, it's a manipulative tactic used by woman all the time. Just some people arnt clued up, some woman think they have the power until the man leaves.

ZOMBIE THREAD

@Junimogs

My wife and i have been together for 10 years, 2 young children 3 and 5, good marriage generally , ups and downs like every relationship. Both work professional jobs, both active and enjoy our times together. We have a good set of friends and family. My concerns, for a couple of years my wife has used social media more and more, even to the point of being on her phone when we are having a discussion and worse we went for dinner together and she spent the whole meal messaging. I was more disappointed than annoyed. With both of us working i take our personal time together seriously however i feel she does not, she now works part time in the evenings for 1 hour but its right where we had that shared time after the children have gone to bed. She doesnt need the money but insists its to help a friend out, i have no miss trust about this but worry she seems to be ok with doing it 5 nights a week. We have had a good love life up to about 6 months ago, things have slowed down as far as intimacy are concerned and now it's non existent. The last time I approached her she was totally distant, I asked her what was wrong. She said the following. You can do what you want but I don't feel anything anymore, I don't like sex with you, I want to be made love to. Obviously shocked I backed away and asked her to explain that more, she said simply, thats how it is. Since this I have been in genuine confusion, I'm scared to approach the subject with her, I'm scared to be close to her, I'm scared to offend her, I'm scared of what's going on in her mind. I love and adore her and cherish our relationship and our family. Confused and feel lost on how to solve this.

Sounds like shes having an affair

Dude, start reading about woman and their manipulation, if she is hot and cold as in nice then pushing you away then you need to stop, think, and stand up for for self. If you feel you are getting manipulated then their is words to use to protect yourself, this is all her mate and not you, but educate yourself by reading about manipulation. If she is not hot and cold and blantly told you straight up, dude I feel sorry for you, have you looked at how you might be treating her first coz that is the big question I'm not saying anything bad but search within first. Good luck all the best.

I don't buy into that crap about not wanting sex, it's a manipulative tactic used by woman all the time. Just some people arnt clued up, some woman think they have the power until the man leaves.

Not true at all, nothing to do with power. Its more to do with not being attracted to the man any more, bad breath, dirty toilet habits, leaving her to be a maid of all work no respect there is always a cause usually based in resentment.
Some like me are actually asexual and have never wanted sex with anyone.

So that's why you dont want sex anymore because men and their bad habits, that was so about you on your reply.

I'm not surprised you dont act upon your urges to have sex if that's how you feel about men, you are not celebit, you just choose not to have sex.

Old thread. OP didn't come back after April 2018

Hi,
Well from the perspective of a guy who has gone though this, I understand how you feel. You vow to forsake all others, love, cherish and then you get neglected, and in return are still expected to do all the other things you used to do.
I think we have quite a few things wrong in society, one is we scream and shout about cheating but not neglect and abandonment. In my opinion they’re just as bad as each other. I’m lucky, no kids to use as leverage, so I have less consequences. I am also very discreet so don’t get caught.
if you are going to go down this route, be 100% honest with the other woman, explain right upfront that you’ll never leave your wife. There are many women who are in complicated lives and want a companion once a week, who won’t judge them, and will give them affection.
It will never be a 100% only physical relationship, (who’d want it to be?) there will be feelings, but, well, deal with them when they come up. If You feel to much, stop, if she the OW does, stop. You’re not trying to hurt anyone here just make up the shortfall.
call girls are a baby step in to all this I suppose, again watch the emotions, it can be intense even in a short time. Obviously, go to them and preferably whilst away from your hometown.
in short it is doable, it is cheating, however, she is neglecting your needs. The one question I ask myself, is would it have been better to break up with her and leave. I’ve fallen in love many times, then had to deal with it when the OW meets some one who she has a future with, I was even “passed on” to a friend in on instance which proved interesting. Would I have done that if I was looking for the new Miss Right? Probably not.
keep your emotions, and everyone else who is involved safe and you’ll manage, but, should you have to? Is it worth it, or should You just leave?

ZOMBIE THREAD