Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

People could have given more useful advice had you been more transparent from the start.

I think you're unlikely to resolve your issues. How honest is it to have an affair, then when you ask us for advice you hide this fact from us. Are you really contrite? I'm not certain you are.

But, I do think that if she is unable to fully forgive, and this is her way of punishing you for your misdemeanor, and it's dragged on now for 10 years that she has had her jollies. It's time to do yourselves a favour and move forward, either together or apart. However I'd suggest that after 10 years of this your wife is now fully entrenched in her thinking and every day that passes just reinforces her view of you.

Contrite? Hell yeah, every single day for 10 YEARS.

Btw it was a one night stand not an affair. And she did the same back.

Have you considered an open relationship or polygamy?

I was in a poly relationship for 18 months. My partner and her husband had a sexless relationship. She got different things from both of us and it worked really well whilst it lasted (distance became too much of an issue for us).

You sound angry, good. It is 10 YEARS ! How many more years can you nail yourself to this cross? How many ways can you say sorry? How many ways can you prove you can now be trusted?

Like you say, she got even, but you're still paying.

I can see both sides. My advice would be to get counselling together. She needs to vent her anger, and she needs to hear your hurt. 10 years is far too long to hold on to this.......unless of course this is just an excuse and the reality is she just wants the convenience of staying married.

How come you haven't decided that enough is enough, and moved on by now, OP? I wonder if you like the home comforts too much - your dinner cooked, your pants washed, and the appearance of a Happily Married Man.

This relationship sounds miserably unhealthy tbh. Ten years of mutual resentment and dislike, and grudging sex on her part - that can't have been any fun for either of you. But the solution is not going to come in the shape of some magic button that will make your wife open her legs regularly again. Her letting you have sex on her will not automatically make everything all right. I think you might both be better off negotiating an amicable separation.

So you cheated and she did the same as revenge.

You should have said this in the beginning.

Now I see why you're putting up with this behaviour from her.
If she's not forgiven or got over the hurt in a decade, then I don't see it happening.

It would be good to hear if things have moved on in 3/6 months time from now. I don't fancy your chances... but good luck.

It sounds like she hasn't been able to forgive you. It's perhaps worth a think about counselling to break the deadlock & come to some conclusion.

Does your wife work? Does she have a support network or way of paying the bills if you separate? Maybe these are reasons why she doesn't want to divorce. Status Quo might suit her better meantime.

The thing is affairs, even ONS, can totally fuck up relationships.

That's basically what's happened here.

You've both been in denial about the extent to which it nuked the dynamic, which you've never reallly recovered from.

It might be possible to fix, I don't know. I really doubt it.

Who the ons was with, and what they offered that she didn't can have a big impact too.
ONS with random on stag do or ons with her sister, that sort of thing.

"Well, I'm always a little suspicious of men who take to Mumsnet to whine that their wives won't put out, and they are 'heartbroken' about it. Because there's always some sort of dripfeed - the man's had affairs, does fuck all in the way of domestic chores, or is 'heartbroken' because she won't open her legs more than once a week when she has a baby and a toddler to look after and no time to herself, ever.
I always get the impression that such men want to find enough posters going oh dear, poor you, your wife is unreasonable, men have 'needs' so they can show the thread to the poor wives and go: look, you selfish bitch, other women are happy to suck dick and do as they're told"

I’m glad you don’t generalise and are open minded.

I would have left months ago.

' Looking for advice, especially from someone in a similar situation '

Your opening statement.

The Minx is trying to give you the good advice you've initially asked for, as has everyone else.

You are coming over as Mr Angry meets Mr Sarcastic. ( I'm sure in real life, you are a great guy ), but reign it in......

And to be fair with the posters, you haven't been transparent, and people have offered advice based on skewed facts.

People are trying to help you.

My ten pence worth is, she's done, as a couple you are done, sorry.......

It maybe if she meets someone else she'll shag like a rampant rabbit on roids, but it will never be with you.......

The chemistry, attraction, desire for you and sex with you has long caught the last train.

She obviously, at the moment, values her children, family, home, economic security more than her own sexual fulfillment, at the moment, and yours, but as the children get older and the gulf between you both gets wider and the arguments more numerous and bitter, eventually she WILL want sexual fulfillment...... But I'm pretty sure it won't be with you.

I'm sure you have been honest and forthright with her, but I don't think she's being candid with you.

You can talk, discuss, rant, rave at her ( And some of the posters on here ), but it is just not going to happen for you.........

And the more you discuss it with her, the stronger her resolve, because you just don't rock her world anymore and I don't think you ever will.

Sorry.

This thread has been running for 4 months, but you've only just now revealed that you fucked another woman behind her back!

I commented earlier telling you to leave, but this puts a whole new spin on things.

You seem to paint it as "only" a One Night Stand. But, in my book that's actually worse, than having you sex with another woman that you think you have fallen for. Because, you've been able to fuck an absolute stranger, and risk all that is yours (family wise) without a backward glance.

What message do you think that sent her?

I love my husband, and I want sex with him all of the time. But, I can tell you right now (especially as someone who has been cheated on in the past by my first husband), if he EVER had a one night stand with another woman, I would never, ever ever, be able to trust him with my heart again.

You have lost her. And it's all of your own making.

And, I doubt you ever loved her really, because if you did, you wouldn't have fallen dick first, into a strangers vagina.

Give her the house and fuck off. It's the least you can do.

I have a similar story to your wife. Ten years ago my dh did something that shook me and left me feeling betrayed. It wasn't an affair and at the time I didn't realise how much of an impact it had on me as there were other things going on. But the desire for intimacy with him left me at that point and has never returned. I can confidently say it never will.

Well I admit I was taken in. If this is a practice run for the sympathy plea from your mum or girlfriend it might work. Or not. Good luck with that. But to be frank if you’re still lying to yourself as much as you lied to us after a DECADE then yeah. Your marriage is hosed. In the end we’re a bunch of people you’ll never meet so if you can’t be honest with us you have literally no hope. This is a pity because I suspect with genuine honesty you might just have had a chance. We’re all human.

Op

You are starting to get a bit of a kicking.......

Much of it, I personally feel, is undeserved. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and everyone should have a shot at redemption and forgiveness.....

In a perfect world, but, as you can see from reading some of the latest posts from ladies who've been cheated on, the emotional trauma and damage runs deep..... Very deep.

Many women, ( And men ), who are cheated on, manage to forgive and rebuild their relationships, but many, many more do not. I think your wife falls well into the second category, and I think in your heart of hearts, you do to.

Your wife can't help the way she feels, and you can't change it.

A sexless marriage and relationship will eat away at you both.

I think she would be uber relieved if you sought sex with someone else, because it would finally allow her to screw the final nail in the coffin of your marriage, completely guilt free.

You can both have a great life, but sadly not together. It's not working four months on, it won't be working for years on.

If you truly love her, free her from this misery.

After reading the full thread, I think you and your wife are both waiting for something to change that isn't going to. And I don't even mean your sex life, that's just a symptom.

From everything I've read, my thoughts are that this relationship will continue to fester due to past hurts and if you stay together, in ten years time you will wake up one day and think 'shit, what am I doing?'

You may well both be willing each other to do something worth ending the relationship over as it sounds like neither of you want to do that when push comes to shove. As pp said, it might even be a relief.

To me it sounds like you're stuck in relationship purgatory. If you end it now before any more hurt is caused, maybe you can be very amicable and co parent well.

OP...this exact situation happened to me. Turns out she was cheating and the suggestion of an open marriage was to rationalize her infidelity by 'allowing' me to do the same. What she means when she says she doesn't want sex is really she doesn't want it with YOU. Time to get out I'm afraid. This story really is as old as time, it's been reported on here so many times and nearly always the partner who doesn't want sex is looking for it elsewhere.

And BOOM! It all comes into focus.

I know you think that it was 10 years ago so she should be over it by now but you lit a long burning fuse and a decade has passed and DC have been born and she's a different person than the young woman who supposedly forgave you. Maybe she thought her revenge would even the score and you could start again on an a level playing field. It hasn't worked. She's still protecting herself from you.

It was disingenuous of you not to mention your infidelity. You've known all along what the problem is.

I think you’re flogging a dead horse here. Would you not both be happier to be out of all this negativity? This is not a marriage I could stay in.

I realise that for people reading this now, it is a long thread and it may not immediately be obvious that the headline of not having sex but staying together is not the most relevant.

Similarly, a fairly significant period of time has elapsed and we have learnt a lot more about what is wrong in our relationship and been working on those things. So, yes we have realised we didn’t properly deal with past infidelities and I think we have now. Since this first started, things got a lot worse between us and there seemed no chance we could be together and we’d started looking at the practicalities of separating, etc. as it seemed inevitable. But then, we found some resolve that just made us pause and wonder if this was really what we wanted.

And so things over the last couple of months have started to improve and we continue to work on certain things with the hope that we can move forwards. Clearly if I didn’t have doubts about the speed and direction of travel we are going in, otherwise I wouldn’t have re-posted. But, doubts or no doubts, the last thing I want to do is turn my back on my marriage without giving it this chance. There isn’t a finite time period for this but I guess the next couple of months will really tell us if we have a chance.

Neither of us is kidding ourselves either that even if things have moved forwards in this time that we can put our feet up and let everything take care of itself. This experience has taught us both that relationships need to be worked at and our biggest problem has been our ability to communicate with one another.

The situation as it is isn’t one either of us wants to sustain for longer than is necessary – so while we’ve discussed open relationships, we both agree this isn’t what we want as what we really desire is a relationship with one person that gives us everything we want and need. Above all else, we want each other to be happy and while we’d both like it to be together, if that isn’t possible then we’ll have to pursue that apart. We also know there will always be a big part of each other’s hearts reserved for the other even if we are apart in the future.

Maybe I’m ignoring the blindingly obvious and I am flogging a dead horse or waiting for a miracle but I love my wife and despite what we have done to each other and the situation we find ourselves in, you’ll have to trust me as the person who is in this relationship, there remains a lot of love between us and a desire to see if we can work this out.

My wife by nature is more cautious than me – so while I’m more impulsive, she is much more analytical and so won’t until she really feels that all of the issues have been dealt with and that we are doing so from a solid platform.

I’d also like to say we have not had a ‘miserable’ marriage as has been speculated, we have had many good times together and of course have had 2 wonderful children long after the chain of events that started this began. Yes, clearly the sexual side of things is a problem but we’re working on that.

My wife does not need to stay in this marriage to keep a certain lifestyle, she has her own career (earns more than I do) and while you could conclude she has been for many years, what she did was out of love and trying to protect me, and more latterly our kids. It was an act of love, a bit warped and ultimately more did more harm than good in the end so while misguided, still she had good intentions.

As for me, while some have speculated that I just want to get my ‘dick wet’ or a magic button to get her to ‘open her legs again’, please don’t judge me by other men’s standards. I do want to make love to her again but because I want to show my love and passion for her.

However, I do not want her to have sex with me for any reason other than she wants to. Can you imagine how I felt when she told me she hadn’t been wanting or enjoying sex with me? Maybe some men would shrug their shoulders but not me – I felt as if I’d violated her. Violated the woman I love.

I genuinely appreciate the comments that have been the made, even those that have made me feel quite angry, either because they are based on stereotypes and ignorance, while some just hurt because they were too close to the truth for my own comfort.

But if nothing else, the process of reposting has strengthened my resolve at time when I was starting to waver. Would I put my last fiver on us making it? Maybe not. But thankfully that isn’t what is being asked and if we don’t make it, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and tell myself – and my kids when they are older – that I gave it my best shot but we couldn’t fix things.

Thanks again, take care!

P.S. Thanks for the recommendation of the ‘Come as you are’ book – I downloaded it last night and couldn’t put it down. I’d just finished reading ‘Men are from Mars…” which was insightful for different reasons so was ready for something else to get my teeth into.

Relationships shouldn't be "hard work".

I treat my DH lovely. He treats me lovely. We aren't dicks to one another. We don't cheat on one another. No "work" involved.

Sex is just sex when no one is really thinking too much about it. FWB, hook ups, ONS, swinging, meeting and shagging on the first date......no one seems to need to analyse it all too much before doing it. We don't know another's past or their possible future behaviour.

It's really not so complicated. Im fairly certain that people who have sex with each other are more likely to communicate, more likely to want to please their partner, more likely that they use those intense feelings of enjoyment and closeness to bond in other areas of their lives. It's certainly seems that lack of sex breeds resentment, and many men especially treat their wives worse when sex is denied them. I couldn't maintain a relationship with anyone who didn't feel the need to have sex with me. I'd more than likely strop off, sulk, feel hurt and ultimately drive a far bigger wedge between us. I'd be less likely to show affectionate or respect, I'm just being honest!

And so, sex is just sex. She didn't analyse it before when you met, she didn't analyse it too much when she had a ONS, she just got on with it. I really feel that the sex issue is a trust issue, and that both are hers to give, it's within her power to do so. Only she can decide. However trust is given where analysis is void. See first paragraph. Trust is not earned it is given in faith. We give it because we have sufficient faith to feel it won't be broken. But if we never take the risk of giving trust it can't be broken.

What I'm essentially saying is this, if she lives you and wants to make this work she must stop analysing and get on with it.

If you read Men are from Mars and took that awful, misogynistic bullshit seriously, then your marriage is definitely doomed.

Great post Mini