Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

In that case hormones - inc contraception - I had same issue on depo, counselling, consider she may have fallen out of love with you?

To be honest I'm also wondering if "it's ok if you sleep with other people" means she's considering that or already is, not just men that cheat.

It's not cheating if you agree to pursue sex outside the relationship.

I think you might feel better if you put your side a bit more strongly. You want the marriage to work, you don't mind waiting but you can't commit to a sexless marriage long term.
Giving it a few months and working on improving your relationship is fine, but if she still feels the same after that you want to try counselling.

@Nchange2017 your post has really resonated with me. Sorry to derail by asking on the thread, would you mind saying how you came out of the power struggle?

You are much too young to have enforced celibacy and she can't truly expect this to be a forever situation.

I'd personally stop being naked around her....especially in bed.

Somewhere around 75-80% of women do not orgasm from PIV alone. What you call foreplay is the main sex act for her. Also, doesn't everyone use their imagination at least some of the time, especially in a long term relationship?

I think your expectations of her have been unrealistic (as are most portrayals in the media). She then thinks she's not very good at sex/doesn't enjoy sex, so starts to avoid it which reinforces your view of her as sexually inadequate and it's all become a vicious circle.

Now, you've got small children and that's like the finishing blow to a sex life which was already on it's last legs.

I think a break from sex is a very very good idea and that during or at the end of that period you both need to do some serious research about female sexuality.

I know several women who thought they had low libidos until they had relationships with other women or with men who were more knowledgeable about the female orgasm.

It's not too late to save this. But you have to stop thinking of it as her problem. It's a problem between you.

I think it's the long run the OP is worried about. Enforced celibacy at 40 is no joke.

OP, I would give it 6 months and then ask for definite answers. If your DW genuinely thinks it's ok to offer a celibate 'marriage' then she needs to be upfront about it. And she needs to take responsibility - so you need to be clear to her too about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

This isn't an overnight thing, but once a few months are up, do the counselling to get answers and see what your options are then. I don't think you're being manipulated but I suspect DW doesn't want to take the fall for what's quite a big, er, change in the relationship, and not a change that's usually acceptable in a marriage.

I was reading something recently that says ambiguity is very hard for people to deal with and often people would opt for a negative result just to get a definite answer to what will happen. So I think it will be hard for OP to go through an unspecified time of just waiting to see if his wife changes her mind.

I'm not sure if this is any help but is there any chance she could be scared of being pregnant. I was terrified of it after my third child. It put me completely off sex for a long time. As I said might be no help but may be worth asking?

I am making a massive massive leap here OP so do ignore if you don't think I'm on the right page.
But when you say she has to use her imagination.. do you know what it is that she is imagining?
Could it be that she is not heterosexual?

I hate the term ‘enforced celibacy’... Not least because of it’s association with horrendous misogyny as personified by Elliot Rodger.

There is no such thing. Someone who chooses to stay with a partner who doesn’t want sex is choosing to live with celibacy, they are not being forced to live in celibacy because they could choose to leave the relationship that doesn’t meet their needs.

OP - I think you are minimising hugely the effect pregnancy and birth can have on a woman. Even if you do ‘genuinely’ coparent she still carried and birthed both children.

You seem to have spent a while being irritated that she isn’t putting enough effort into sex and are now grateful she has explained that actually she doesn’t want sex. Do you not understand how horrendous that will have been for her? Why weren’t you concerned about this way earlier? Why has it got so bad that she has had to explicitly say this to you?

At this point it may well be true that she feels like she never wants to have sex again but I’d be willing to bet that if you split up she may well be surprised that she enjoys and wants sex with a new partner.

If you have been insensitive to her feelings for so long she may not realise just how much that has put her off sex.

IMO a man who is insensitive and selfish re sex is the absolute biggest libido killer for a woman.

Is it that she isn't sexually attracted to you anymore OP and doesn't want to hurt you by saying this?

You mentioned having to use her imagination during sex.

If you do end up splitting ...don't feel guilty. It's not going to be you who ends the marriage...it's as a result of her no longer wanting a sexual relationship with you.

Someone who chooses to stay with a partner who doesn’t want sex is choosing to live with celibacy,

As is someone who stays in an abusive relationship right? They've chosen to stay...nobody is stopping them from leaving are they.

It's unilaterally changing the marital contract.

I couldn't live without sex. It would kill any feelings I have for the partner.

I'd give it 6 months and if she hasn't even opened up to the idea of improving your sex life I'd begin separating.

I think most decent people would be fine about waiting a few months or even longer if they had some reason to think things would change, but the OP' s wife has actually said she never wants sex again. It's him who is hoping she may change her mind after a few months.
If she doesn't change her mind he is then in the difficult position of having to leave an otherwise happy marriage over this or accept a lifelong celibacy or his wife suggestion of an open marriage none of them very nice options.

Another significant statistic: women in heterosexual relationships have less orgasms than any other pairing - female couples, male couples, and, importantly, men in heterosexual relationships. No wonder so many women in straight relationships can't be arsed with it all after a few years.

Are people missing this

wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore

Anymore ..means just that.

It could be she has valid reasons for not enjoying it... she could be too tired...she could be lacking confidence with her body...

Sandy, that is a ridiculous comparison.

Abuse makes it very hard to leave a relationship. If you try to leave you might be killed. What feature of not having sex actually makes it hard to leave a relationship?

She wants the security of marriage but no sex. I would get rid of her. She doesn't deserve you

If my partner told me he didn't want sex with me anymore I'd take that as a massively hurtful rejection. I wouldn't be sleeping naked next to them, at all. I would however give it 6 months at the outset to see if anything changed, and try to resolve the reasons behind decision.

If situation didn't change I'm not entirely sure I would leave. But I absolutely would be open to finding sex elsewhere. It wouldn't be an option for me to wait on and on in hope, as if I have to beg for sexual affection.

I don't know why so many are ignoring that your wife's disinterest in sex stemmed from before you had children. & that she's said she doesn't want sex ANYMORE.

If you were a woman saying your man was witholding sex, you'd get different advice albeit the first shout would be "He's having an affair!". But ultimately, "leave" would be the advice.

How awful to tell your partner you don't want him sexually, he can have another woman (fraught with problems if wife suddenly doesn't like that, or you form strong attachment to the other woman), but you still want the relationship ie, all the stability of continuing marriage and home life, but don't touch me sexually.

I don't know what to advise you really OP. But I've the feeling your wife has opened a can of worms and you could somehow pay the price for that in future. If push came to shove it'd more likely be you having to uproot your life and leave the family home. Unless you put up with a sexless marriage.

Perhaps in future you could or would consider getting a lover. It's not cheating if it's condoned, I know of polyamorous/open relationships. But it doesn't sound as if you even want that.

It just sounds so cold though...the suggestion that another woman can be roped in strictly for sex only. As if she shouldn't matter, apart from that. I wonder what your wife would do if a woman began to matter to you more than sexually?We are human, feelings can develop. I bet your home life would be hell. Are there rules to this in how far you're allowed to go...?

Good luck, whatever you decide. But I don't believe marriage is a bind within which you have to martyr yourself for the sake of it in that, no more sex means that's it (sexually) for you until the end of your days.

What mistress said.