Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

Having regular sex with someone for nearly a decade when you know for all that time they haven’t been enjoying it is not particularly respectful.

From the OP, simplified for you:

wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore, because [she] hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

As in, she's JUST told him. She didn't tell him 10 years ago and he's made her go along with it. How is THAT so difficult to understand?

Pretending that sex is important to a relationship for 10 years when it isn't is disrespectful. If the OP's DW had told him 10 years ago how she really felt he could have had the chance to move on before they had kids.

I am not the one telling other people they are wrong. I have simply stated my interpretation, then, when you have come along with a bug in your arse about how I am wrong, explained why it is my interpretation.

You are welcome to your interpretation as I am to mine. Threads are never about who is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ they are about the benefit of seeking opinions and advice outside your narrow circle. OP’s always take the advice that suits them and discard the rest.

I’m not trying to paint anyone as a villain either, just encourage the op to see his part in this and i’m trying to offer advice from a female perspective, as was requested.

Also, to avoid whipping the op up into pointless resentment and inaction which is unproductive and probably actually counterproductive, since problems with sex almost always come down to communication, and communication will not improve if both people entrench themselves in their own defensive and resentful positions.

And I think it is clear that I already know she has only just actually and directly told him with words. If you read upthread my specific criticism was why wasn’t he more concerned this was the reason for her lack of participation years ago.

Every relationship that ends gives every person things to reflect on and note every single time.

One of those things people should really know is that lack of consent equals assault but if you want a healthy sex life what you need is enthusiastic consent, if it is missing show concern and communicate, don’t just keep having sex with your unenthusiastic partner as this is one of the most comprehensively love killing things you can do.

Well you've repeatedly criticised the OP for having sex with his wife for 10 years despite knowing she didn't want to even though that hasn't actually happened. So you've made interpretations, yes, based on things that haven't actually happened. So I think that deserves to be called wrong.

offred
I think what notbad is trying to point out is that with almost all your.posts on this thread you've gone straight for the OP like he is some kind of sex pest.

He has just found out a piece of information about his relationship. He is open to wanting to work on his relationshio but isn't willing to have a long term sexless marriage (which is entirely understandable).

If his wife had been feeling that way then it should really have been raised years ago rather than allowimg a relationship to drift and get comfortable with one party thinking everything is ok, only for the other party to make a significant revation with the get out of 'but we cam stay together and not have sex'.
If it has been an issue for years and she says she's just going along with it, she's wanted sex for enough years to have children and now she has her children suddenly she has never been that interested in sex for years but just went along with it (very different to 'just had a baby so give me some space for now'). There is a tiny part of me that worries there's a bit 'i want a baby' about the whole situation.

They both need to communicate and work out where to go from here. I do thibj you've been unduly harsh on the OP.

Yeah, there’s the difference between ‘knowing she didn’t want to’ and ‘knowing she wasn’t enjoying it’ again. IMO the latter is a massive indicator of the former and someone who continues the sex in these conditions is culpable for not taking adequate care/being insensitive.

In all seriousness how do you think it will help the OP to say ‘yeah she’s a total bitch’ ‘probably baby trapped you’ etc etc etc...

Might feel good but it doesn’t help someone who wants to fix this issue as it is quite encouraging of adversarial behaviour and doesn’t promote communication or building trust.

It might be difficult for the OP to examine his part in this whole situation but IMO it is the only way to move forward. He’s already spent years feeling frustrated with her.

But he asked her. They had discussions. Frank discussions. Do you not think she bears any responsibility for failing to disclose how she really felt all this time? You're saying the OP should have known, he should have responded differently. We don't actually know what they discussed but you're effectively hanging the OP because he didn't push for more honesty from his DW earlier.

She is not the one seeking advice. If she was I would respond to her.

I don’t think apportioning blame to her on this thread is helpful in terms of resolving this since he has already spent years feeling frustrated with her and it has not produced a desirable result.

It isn’t likely to either as all anyone can control is their own behaviour. You can’t control other people’s.

Offred I am a woman who actively pursued my husband and tried a lot of things he wasn't enthusiastic about just to get our sex life going. People try things because they are desperate to find a solution not because they are being disrespectful.
From your responses you will think the OP said he raped his wife for 10 years!!

I get it that a lot of women have hormonal problems etc and a lot of those issues have been given a lot of airing on here. I can safely say I am lucky not to have ever had those problems. I don't think I am an exception. But these sorts of responses banging on about women hating sex is what caused a lot of problems in my marriage because my husband was sure most women hated it so he didn't have to try. More than once I got shown posts by sex hating women who hadn't had sex in 7 years and told I shouldn't make a fuss about the 4 year spell we had.

Obviously the OPs wife has led him on for years and has now decided she can't even be bothered anymore. That is not a nice say to treat someone.

It's strange, you often see a third party being criticised even though they didn't seek advice on the thread, can't defend themselves nor put any record straight.

Given you are seeing everything through the prism of the original post you either treat it at face value or you don't. I see no point in inventing parts of the story you just don't know merely to support your own "gaze".

It's not AIBU, so it's hard to see how much of what you have said to the OP qualifies as constructive advice.

That's directed at our Handmaid's Tale fan.

I haven’t seen anywhere anyone saying ‘women hate sex’ in fact that is a major contributing factor in situations like the ones I’m describing. That thing of ‘sex with men is meant to be crap for women’ is one of the things that keep women quiet about not enjoying sex.

I’m simply offering my advice based on my interpretation. IMO reducing conflict involves self reflection and acceptance of your own contribution. Since the OP has said he really wants to work things out and be happy with his wife that’s what I am attempting to offer.

Otherwise I would have simply said ‘just leave’.

Everyone on this thread is looking at the OP through their own gaze and offering their own interpretations. What you mean is ‘I disagree with your interpretation’.

In all seriousness how do you think it will help the OP to say ‘yeah she’s a total bitch’ ‘probably baby trapped you’ etc etc etc
No which is why in all my original replies to the OP I didn't say that.

You have to admit it does look that way. 'Yes I'll have the comfy relationship and sex until I've had the kids... oh by thr way darling i have never really wanted sex all these years so am proposing a sexleas marriage now. I want to stay in the house, have all the comfort of our marriage but want to take a fundamental part of the relationship off the table indefinitely'.

Then the OP has had his world rocked, has a young baby and if he does anything than stay in the sexless marriage (e.g. leave / take her up on the offer of sex elsewhere) he'll be the bad guy and it'll be what sort of man leaves when there's a baby? What sort of man sleeps with someone else?. She's given him persmission to sleep with people out of the relationship, but bet your bottok dollar that it'll be that getting cited as adultery if it comes to divorce.

But have said it reply to you because you appear to be placing a disproportionate amount of blame on the OP who somehow should have been psychic, should have known & have even gone as far to suggest he didn't have consent for all those yeara because it would have been obvious his wifr wasn't super enthusiastic.

(Maybe it's just me who's up for a quick spot of sex before bed sometimes but it's more 'fancy it?/yeah' than 'i want a long passionate session where i can consent in a suitably enthusiastic manner' )
Obviously the OPs wife has led him on for years and has now decided she can't even be bothered anymore. That is not a nice say to treat someone
This. ^^
He's spent years working on a relationship and it's just been revealed that he has been decieved for years.

The relationship is not sexless. Not yet anyway.

It is probably over IMO if it has got to this stage but he wants to try and rescue it.

At no point have I said he doesn’t have consent. What I have said is that in a marriage/LTR a healthy sex life requires (general) enthusiastic consent (different to consent which is relevant only to whether there has been an assault) and if your partner is so unenthusiastic and non-participatory to the point where it causes significant issues then you need to explore that with love and concern. Continuing regular sex will make it worse, as will putting extra pressure on by trying to manufacture enjoyment during sex with toys etc.

I would guess, op that you having sex with someone else would be very painful for your wife, but things have become so bad for her that this is the least bad option.

I have problems with sex at different stages of my life. I am the same age as your wife. My issues started from the age of 12 feeling honoured that an older boy wanted to be my boyfriend and then becoming trapped and mute in situations where he would do what he wanted with me, sex at 14 with a boy who would become my abusive ex husband, abortion, traumatic birth, all & sundry putting their fingers in me (drs, nurses, midwives) without reference to me.

Left my exH with injuries from birth and rape, met my DH, 2 further DCs and further lower level violation during birth of DD.

All that said, I think my experiences are within the realms of 'normal' for a woman of my age. Despite the above, I am still expected to provide sex with a smile. I don't really mean by my DH, he is the only person that knows all of the above, but by everyone around me; HCPs, media, friends, relatives. You can't separate the past, mesaages from society and others' expectations from what happens in your own bedroom.
I may be way off the mark, but I think there are some elements of the above causing this reaction in your wife.

He's spent years working on a relationship and it's just been revealed that he has been decieved for years
No I don’t think he has Maisy, he’s spent years working on his sex life Not the same.

as will putting extra pressure on by trying to manufacture enjoyment during sex with toys etc.

Jeez Offred you just can't help yourself can you? Where oh where has the OP implied he is trying to "manufacture enjoyment" with sex toys. All he said was he bought the bloody thing! He didn't even say whether he told his DW. Your obsessed with the sex toya.

There's a big difference between offering and interpretation on what's written and offering an interpretation on things you've just made up.

What happened when you bought the sex toy OP? How long ago was it? Whose suggestion was it? If it was yours did she seem keen or not? If she seemed keen, did you try it? If not what reasons did she give? If you did what was the response?

You see how easy it is to find out a bit more Offred? To make a clearer judgement on what role the all important sex toy played in the past?

But we won't hear from the OP because he's been scared off by people like you.

What is the point in getting so heated about this?

I have not ‘made up’ anything.

I have offered my opinion which is in part based on things the op has said and on some research.

It really isn’t a big deal that you interpret the things he has said differently or that you disagree with my interpretation.

I simply have a different view to you and I think you should really just leave it there TBH. This is not helping anyone, it’s just a pointless waste of your emotional energy.

It's important because you've hung the OP out to dry based on made up stuff, not your interpretation. You've made up that he's trying to manufacture excitement with sex toys. You've made up he's pressuring her. You've made up he knew years ago but kept going anyway (and then backtracked). You didn't ask the OP to clarify anything. You didn't seek further information. You just painted him as some sort of monster. And because of that he doesn't feel like he can get any support here. And I feel incredibly sorry for him.

She doesn't want sex ever again.

He has a healthy sex drive.

It's never going to work out in the long run. It's just a matter of time, before another female catches his eye, and is receptive.

Then the marriage will be over.

It could be 6 months from now. It could be 3 years from now. But it WILL happen.

And I wouldn't blame him.

I am not mega keen to be honest, I have been the same in all 3 long term relationships I’ve had. I’m ok for first 2 to 3 years and then I start to find it a bit of a chore. I’m not a touchy person generally to be honest . I am loving and would do anything for people I’m involved with but cannot honestly say I’m mega enthusiastic and in my mid 50s , even less so. It’s hard to feign enthusiasm to be honest if you aren’t feeling it