Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

Sandy and Mini,
My DW said pretty much the same as the OP's. We went over 3 years without sex. Did I think we would be able to get back on track? To be honest, no. But we have done. Maybe it's a fluke, but it is possible. And it might not be for everyone. It can knacker certianly knacker your self esteem if you're not careful.

In our case I could see why it had got to that point: we had young kids; had issues conceiving; bereavement etc. Coming on here and realising that it actually isn't all that unusual for women to lose their desire but that it can come back, particularly as you get out of the baby years.

I don't see anyone saying the OP should prostrate himself though. I'd say the opposite. He should do his share of housework etc because it's the right thing to do, not in the hope of getting some action. And he should absolutely look at himself and think about what he wants to do life. I realised I'd got stuck into the routine of work and home life and almost lost some of my identity, so I did more of what I enjoyed. I think this made me more confident. I also knew that there were no guarantees things would work out so by being happier in myself I would be in a much better position if we did split.

It might not be for everyone. And it's down to the OP to decide how long he wants to give it, but if he does want to give it a chance that does not make him a lapdog or any less of a man.

My wife is definitely female and no gender confusion issues 🤐

Clearly we have made some progress if not in terms of sex though I am not surprised by this in some respects as this is our Achilles heel. To rush back into sex would do more harm than good I think.

I don't want to 'push the button too soon and potentially start the process of ending our marriage but I am struggling with the situation.

I have been honest with her that I need to feel her desire to work things out and that there is a plan here, and we're not just relying on her magically waking up one day and everything feels different.

Otherwise as much as it's the last thing I want, I will have to get on with the rest of my life

Maybe I'm missing something, what progress have you made?

You are turning yourself inside out to avoid the ugly truth.

You'll just have to trust me, we reached some very low points when it looked as if we had zero chance of being together.

We have also learned a lot about how we have reached this point. This of course doesn't mean we'll sort it out but you have to start somewhere.

My wife is scared. Scared to fail and what that will mean. So, right now, it is easier for her to stay in this 'safe place' where we're together but not completely.

She knows she can't stay in this place forever and nor does she want to, not really. We both want to be happy, ideally with each other.

I want to give her / us the time to work through some of the issues and see if they can be overcome or not. But it is so much easier to say than do...

She would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship

^
Don’t fall for that old pony. She’s setting you up to cheat & put all the blame on you. Get out, she’s manipulating you

I agree.

She wants the security of marriage and a home life with you but that's it. No way would I be with someone who withdrew from having sex with me, and then insulted me by telling me to go outside to get it from someone else.

Why are some people talking about Polyamorous relationships here? This is not one. This is a monogamous marriage with1 partner not wanting sex and saying go get it elsewhere.

@mistressdeecee I think you have not necessarily read the whole thread, which is admittedly quite long and spans nearly 4 months.

My wife is no longer telling me to go and get sex elsewhere, that was a bit of a red herring and something she felt she had to say in return for us not having sex.

Now? She might still understand if I did (not that I plan to) but now I think she would be hurt and react like most people would.

My wife loves me. She wants to want me. But she doesn't want me. Least at the moment that desire is shrouded by a whole load of other stuff that until can be worked out, has no chance of coming to the fore. And even then maybe it won't!

What is this other stuff that prevents her from wanting you?

For a number of reasons she sought to protect herself many years ago and this resulted in her closing off her feelings towards me.

In short she became a bit desensitised, which meant I neither caused her pain or happiness. Instead she invested heavily into her career and then kids when they came along.

In terms of sex, she didn't want me to have the satisfaction of her enjoyment - so even when she did enjoy it, she sort of hated herself, almost like her body betrayed her.

In continuing to have sex for so many years she thought she was doing the right thing. So finally, she is unburdened and therefore won't entertain sex again until she's absolutely sure she wants it as she, understandably, doesn't want to go back to how it was.

All of the above, I get, I really do. In her shoes I'd feel the same probably.

But what's good for her isn't necessarily good for me!

Ok, might be starting to understand better now. Why was she protecting herself, what from, or from who?

If she was protecting herself from you, why? Did you do something to hurt her years ago?

My wife also is has not been interested in sex for a long time. I used to be up for it all the time so found it frustrating as I still found her very attractive. I joined a gym to find a release for the frustration, give her a nightly back massage and started sleeping in the other room to remove the temptation and avoid the rejection. Now I am not interested in sex and she seems to want it again. I will start off sleeping in our bed now, but look for any excuse to sleep in the spare room or go to bed late then get up straight away in the morning.

We've both made mistakes but the first one was mine when I was young, arrogant, immature and stupid.

Not going to read ALL the responses but Mumsnet is definitely not the place for a non-monogamy, companionate marriage sense check for a lovely sounding husband like yourself. Check out Dan Savage, Esther Perel, and perhaps Reddit for a more balanced view. Wishing you all the best, companionate marriage really can work if you stay safe, communicate, and avoid drama. Sending you lots of good wishes.

Also to add, you should both read 'Come as you are' by Emily Nagoski

So you did something to hurt her, or break her trust. In your words "she didn't want me to have the satisfaction of her enjoyment" so it's a trust issue isn't it? And her "body betrays her" this betrayal is linked to your betrayal? Is that right?

Yes I broke her trust and she built walls around herself to protect herself.

I've spent the last 10 years of my life making up for it, put up with her hurting me back and keeping me at arms length for all of that time

Is she on the pill or some kind of hormonal contraception?
The pill completely gets rid of my sex drive, and think this isn't an uncommon side effect, it might be worth asking her if she thinks this could be part of it if she is taking it.

Valdo I did read the thread & remembered it from before anyway. I commented only on what you wrote recently regarding your wife not wanting sex with you. & the mention of Polyamorous here and there in thread. That's it. Not anything following on from that as it's not clear.

You can't do anything to make her forgive you. Only she can do that. For-give-ness. 10 years is a long time. The problem is not sex. The problem is her inability to forgive you. Maybe she can't, maybe she shouldn't. Maybe she can. And perhaps even then it won't be enough. I've forgiven people, but I've never trusted them again. Why would you trust a dog that bit you? I'd have either all its teeth out or have it put down. Perhaps it would be kinder to have it put down? Perhaps after ten years it would be better to leave and let both of you move on? Otherwise you are as good as half the person you could be, both of you. You'll end up like a dog with no teeth and an inability to feed yourself, and she will grow to realise she has punished you so much that she herself is no better than you. Forgiveness is the morally right thing to do, trust however is different. Once it's given and broken it can't be so easily given again. Some might say they can, but logically it's impossible. It's broken, it can't be given again.

So you either had an affair or did something like not stopping sex when she asked you to?

On the one hand, it's better to end a relationship with a partner who has hurt you if you really can't bring yourself to forgive whatever the partner did - no one is entitled to simultaneously cling on to the partner and continually punish the partner for the wrong done.
Yet I get the impression that you're not all that sorry for whatever it was, and resent her for not forgetting about it. And that your focus remains 'How can I get my dick wet whenever I want to?' and 'How can I make this woman compliant' rather than 'is this relationship salvageable' and 'Am I a decent husband/father?'

@ReanimatedSGB you are so wrong. If I wasn't sorry for what I'd done, why have I spent the last 10 years making up for it?

Thankfully my wife says she does believe that I am sorry and says she does trust me and does not worry that I would ever make the same mistake.

If I really wanted to 'get my dick wet' I could but this is about trying to repair out relationship so that we can have a loving, passionate relationship again.

Don't go into man- hater mode, it says more about you than me!

So you cheated on her? If so, that's a Mahoosive drop feed.

Some women just can't ever get past that.

• Drip feed

I think you've already had sex with your wife for the last time. I suspect she hasn't booted you out yet because she's insanely busy, the DC are too young and there's no one else she wants at the moment. She doesn't want a failed marriage.

As you know more than anyone else, this is about a lot more than sex. You need to know where you stand long term - that is only fair to you.
She can't want you if she doesn't. It doesn't work like that - accepting that is only fair to her.

Tell her no one wants a failed marriage. But lifetime celibacy is not an option, and neither is expecting someone else to give up sex for life to spare her blushes.

Set a deadline of a year - not that long, you'll manage - and see what happens. Be nice.

Well, I'm always a little suspicious of men who take to Mumsnet to whine that their wives won't put out, and they are 'heartbroken' about it. Because there's always some sort of dripfeed - the man's had affairs, does fuck all in the way of domestic chores, or is 'heartbroken' because she won't open her legs more than once a week when she has a baby and a toddler to look after and no time to herself, ever.
I always get the impression that such men want to find enough posters going oh dear, poor you, your wife is unreasonable, men have 'needs' so they can show the thread to the poor wives and go: look, you selfish bitch, other women are happy to suck dick and do as they're told...

And I'm always suspicious of women who know Jack, jump to huge conclusions without knowing the facts - ring any bells?