Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

Hi, Maisypops. Did you miss me?

How bizarre. Unless you're someone i've previously disagreed with and you've name changed and are now trying to be a GF (in which case why on earth would you do that? It's very weird).

On a slightly different angle as the OP is still pretty youthful, I can't help but think one reason divorce is so common in the 20 to 30 years married bracket is it seems women are expected to feel sexually charged forever, regardless of menopause, more tiredness, working full time etc. Many women in this bracket have had sexual relationships for 30 to 40 years and to be frank may well feel 'a bit shagged out' , but it seems that isn't allowed if you want to stay married these days and be happy with once every few weeks etc

It is possible that hormonal contraception or pregnancy worries are not relevant in this case, as I'm not positive the OP said that they were male. This could be a couple consisting of 2 women

Gotta say I agree I was sympathetic
at first but you're being very dismissive of possible reasons/solutions which is NOW suggestive of you holding back in earlier posts and just wanting your wife to "give in". It can as posters have said - take a couple YEARS for hormones to rebalance after having a child/bf, imagination IS important in a healthy sex life the most powerful sexual organ (much as many men would like to think it's something only they possess ) is actually the brain.

Fantasy, role play, variety - all serve to stimulate response.

Like pp my ex was

A boring as fuck in bed
B pestered almost CONSTANTLY to the point it was in my divorce papers!

It all but completely KILLED my libido.

You are starting to sound very focussed on YOUR needs

Women want to have sex if it is satisfying for them. Women who go off sex very frequently do because the sex that is on offer is unsatisfying, their male partners are insensitive/selfish and their sex drive can not withstand crappy sex + children + hormonal contraception. Women frequently only discover the problem is not that they don’t want sex when they have better sex with a partner who is less selfish/insensitive.

Agree with Nchange2017. I had a similar experience. I felt shit most of the time due a number of factors having two children very close together with no family support. DH did his best but he was knackered with being out at work 12/13 hour days with travel. i went back to work PT and felt guilty for this, was sick of all the crappy housework, washing, cleaning up which was relentless also due to another health condition I was exhausted and haven’t slept properly for years. I felt like an unglamourous nanny housemaid slave and sex felt like another demand intrusion. We had a night away once a year for my birthday when the kid got older without the kids which was fantastic and I did enjoy sex then but we didn’t have date nights or anything which might have helped.
We are still together and don’t have sex as much as DH wants but I feel I have completely lost my libido and it takes a lot of patience time and effort to get me interested. This also makes me feel bad. I have also put weight on so feel less attractive.

Thank you @Incognito35 that was very brave of you to post.

I am left slightly stunned by other posts, including being called a sex pest but happy that others have taken time to really read them.

I have done a lot to try and create a better sex life, bought toys, lingerie, suggested role playing, etc. I also spend time with foreplay (or her main course as someone else put it) and she does orgasm 2/3 of the time. I only move on when she tells me she doesn't think 'it's happening'.

As for the other explanations, as I have said she has said this pre dates us having children (oldest is 7) and so this isn't a recent thing so not down to bodily changes - trust me I wish it were and would love to blame biology or physiology! This is not a lack of interest in sex (she masturbates) but a lack of desire to have sex with me.

I love my wife and want to try and put things right. Whether we can remains to be seen. However, perhaps naively, I posted on here for support and it's fair to say surprised at the tone of some but hey you live and learn.

Happy New Year!

You are not really listening.

Yes BUT sex for men is physical with some mental and for women more mental with some physical.

If you can fix the intimacy and closeness in the rest of your relationship you might find the sex follows. Just take the focus of whether or not you do it and she orgasms and try just letting her know she’s loved. It’s probably become the elephant in the room and making it worse. Take the pressure off both of you for a bit and woo her again

I'm not listening @Offred? I am not guessing here, my wife and I do talk (although it seems not enough or about the right things).

When she tells me it isn't because we have young children or I don't do enough at home / parenting I believe her. She also says it's not because I'm selfish or shit in bed, although I obviously feel I must be.

Yes, physiologically her body has gone through great change due to pregnancy and with age but these are not the root cause.

If my DH bought sex toys and lingerie when I wasn't feeling it at that time, to be honest I would think he was far too focussed on his knob

Oh god, Valdo. Your post about suggesting role play etc made me feel sorry for your poor wife. Sex may be a form of aerobic exercise but no one needs that much pressure to perform. Desire is spontaneous for most people and you may well have killed her libido by your constant expectations.

Wow the man tries to spice up his love life & is accused of putting pressure on his DW, the poor guy can’t win.

Is there any chance she is having an affair?

I'm not sure if this has already been asked but is she breastfeeding because that can have a massive impact on your libido. I mean like literally never wanting sex again. I know you say that she says it's not linked to having the little one and hormones but maybe she doesn't realise that she's drawing a line under sex because of that so shes telling you it's not that?

Like I say I haven't read every reply so unsure of these things have been suggested and addresses

I find it a bit disturbing how many of you think that no sex in a marriage is a deal breaker. What happens if one of you get ill and can't have sex anymore? Would you dump your disabled spouse because they can't perform?

"If my DH bought sex toys and lingerie when I wasn't feeling it at that time, to be honest I would think he was far too focussed on his knob"
Yep!

At what point did you do this??

Pp is right, you're not listening, and if you're not listening to us I have to infer you don't listen to your wife properly either.

She may not realise herself that hormonal changes are affecting her. My ex made me feel I was abnormal for not wanting to be at it like bunnies after my 6 week check! I'd had an emcs, dd had been in scbu a week and was bf! I was knackered!! But even as dd turned 1 I was still knackered and hormones weren't right as my milk dried at 8/9 months, my periods weren't regular, and all my ex could do was bitch!!

I think you are toning down/back what you're actually like in real life because you're not daft and know the audience while also expecting us to say "poor you"

Sorry meant to say it was only after we split I spoke to friends who were also parents more openly and much later discovered mn and learned just how much of an arse he was!

Wish I'd had the info before and I wouldn't have spent months/years feeling guilty for not performing "wifely duties" or for the fact he cheated.

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation to you I think. I don't have the benefit of my DW actually telling me she doesn't want sex again, but her actions suggest this.

I've come to the conclusion that the only way things will change is if she wants them to. There isn't much I can really do about it. For what it's worth, I have started similar threads on Mumsnet previously about this, I received the range of replies you have and realised that I had probably been pressuring DW. We didn't have sex while she was pregnant with either of our two DCs, and I left it 18 months after the youngest was born before trying to reignite the spark. I don't know if my efforts to reignite it caused significant damage, at the time I didn't think I was guilty of being abusive, but who knows how people interpret actions/words.

So, taking the advice here I stopped trying it on. That was three years ago now, and in that time she has initiated five times. The last few times I have been unable to perform as I don't believe she really wants a sex life with me anymore. I certainly don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me.

So, I guess the moral (from my point of view anyway) is "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" but above all be hypersensitive to how your words and actions are impacting and interpreted by others.

I remember feeling that I couldn't cope with one. more. demand on my body. Two dc under three and breastfeeding and sex was another demand. Thankfully x didnt present me with a pile of props. Oh good God.

Definitely agree with pp that you're not listening, op. There are so many reasons why DW wouldn't want sex as much as you, yet your attempts at improving things all seem to revolve around introducing new sex toys etc, so you're still making it all about the sex and interpreting it as if she is deliberately refusing out of selfishness. If you don't turn her on, why not? While I agree with the libido killing effect of small DC etc (and make no mistake, this affects women much more than men on the whole), you seem to be interpreting it as only caused by her. Possibly (I'm guessing) your earlier reaction to her not wanting sex on certain occasions has led to resentment. Whatever...
You really need to give her space without expecting sex, and build up the relationship in other ways. Also try and identify any reasons within yourself why she may not be so bothered with sex (the early mention of her having to use her imagination makes me think you don't know how to/what turns her on.) And have patience - as a pp said, if medical reasons made sex impossible, would you still be looking to end the relationship? Sex isn't everything, and she has been having sex with you, even if not particularly interested, which some ppl just aren't. So she does care about your feelings.
[I note you said something along these lines in an update, stick with it. ]
[My comments would be the same to a complaining female, except for the hormone/children aspect!]

I think she just doesn't find you sexually appealing anymore. She isn't saying it...but with everything else you've said....I'd assume that's a definite possibility.

An affair...is also a possibility.

You've gotten an affair bashing from those who are negative towards men....don't let it phase you.

It's convenient for her to have you around.

Whilst it's good to get a female perspective...I also think posting on a more balanced forum would be helpful.

I'll send you a link via PM.

so you're still making it all about the sex and interpreting it as if she is deliberately refusing out of selfishness.

No, that's what you've inferred from the OP's posts. Many others have inferred differently.

It amazing how pp are saying it could be hormonal, kids etc even though the OP has said it pre-dates kids and his wife has stated it's not that. And people accuse the OP of not listening

I find it a bit disturbing how many of you think that no sex in a marriage is a deal breaker. What happens if one of you get ill and can't have sex anymore? Would you dump your disabled spouse because they can't perform?
There is a massive difference between different situations:
Situation 1 - my.partner is ill and it's affected our sex life. It's difficult but my partner is ill so to be honest we are more focused on that than sex.
Situation 2 - my partner has just decided they don't ever want to have sex ever again but want to continue having everything the same, cuddle naked in bed etx basically they want to have a sexless marriage from now until whenever.

It's not rocket science to see the difference. Comparing the OP's situation to a situation where sex has been affected by illness, injury or disability makes no sense.

every time we are alone he expects or wants sex so I feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker. If we don't have sex he doesn't say much but signs and turns his back on me at night
I remember that ever-present low-level pressure to have sex which if you don't want sex is very stressful, it's one reason I find living alone so relaxing
the lack of pressure.

I can just imagine the reverse of this.... the woman would be told to LTB..... he just wants a free maid/nanny/cook etc