Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

I think sandy is right.

I don't doubt quite a few of us would advocate counselling etc first before making the decision to leave. But I'd imagine that we'd get shouted down by people saying 'that's it women should just put up and get on with the wife work' / 'the amount of internalised misogyny on here is worrying'.

I think the idea that she hasn't wanted sex because you haven't provided the right outfit or dildo in the past may be misguided. Sex starts in the head. Give her some space- I would feel pressured if DH bought a load of stuff like that if I wasn't feeling like sex.

Again, ridiculous.

As has been said upthread there isn’t a reverse of this;

• men don’t get pregnant.
• men don’t birth babies.
• men don’t take hormonal contraception.
• in heterosexual sex men aren’t expecting to be penetrated every time sex happens.
• men don’t need to worry about pregnancy.
• in heterosexual sex men virtually always orgasm.

Offred "Women want to have sex if it is satisfying for them. Women who go off sex very frequently do because the sex that is on offer is unsatisfying, their male partners are insensitive/selfish and their sex drive can not withstand crappy sex + children + hormonal contraception. Women frequently only discover the problem is not that they don’t want sex when they have better sex with a partner who is less selfish/insensitive."

I could've written that myself. My exh and I were together 17 years when he left me, and sex was OK at times but never great. He for what he wanted from it though and I never knew there was anything different. I've since had a brief relationship with someone else, and I would not be at all shocked if I had more orgasms in those three months than I had in my entire relationship with my exh.

I genuinely never knew that it could be better for me than it was.

This will be my last response for the foreseeable future - to some extent I've got the support and insight I hoped for and so thank you to those who have shared and been constructive.

I could have posted on a more gender neutral forum but specifically wanted a female perspective (which I think says something about me). I wasn't expecting so many to judge but perhaps that's more a reflection of them than me.

Have I made mistakes? Yes, by the bucket load but while my methods may not have necessarily been the best all I was ever trying to do was to help us to have a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life.

But I know I have made mistakes nevertheless, which is why I am not going anywhere, I want to try and put things right if we can. If I was sex obsessed I'd be taking up the free pass to sleep around wouldn't I?

Of course I have sympathy for my wife - which is again why I am prepared to work at this, I love her and hate the thought of her having carried this for so long - but don't forget she is no Angel in this and could and should have spoken about this before because the more time that has passed with her feeling like this makes it harder to overcome.

Anyway, thank you again to the majority of people that have read my OP and subsequent responses.

It amazing how pp are saying it could be hormonal, kids etc even though the OP has said it pre-dates kids and his wife has stated it's not that. And people accuse the OP of not listening
Er, so are you saying she had no hormones before having kids? And not everyone is fully aware of the extent to which their hormones affect their physical and mental health...

I wasn't expecting so many to judge but perhaps that's more a reflection of them than me.
Not really, if a lot of ppl have judged your behaviour, and you still think it's all of them with a problem, not you

Sex with my ex husband was phenomenal but we divorced in the end because he was a dickhead and I stopped fancying him so the sex ended.
You cannot have sex with someone you have no respect for. Not saying that's you OP but it's one reason.

specifically wanted a female perspective (which I think says something about me)

Ah, so that’s why you are not really listening. Asking for a female perspective was about you feeling like a good person...

Valdo77
Don't worry about judgey mcjudgepants on here. Just ignore them. As sandy said, I bet if a woman came on and posted your type of thread the judgey ones woukd have been telling her to LTB because the man only wants someone to do the wife work.

Most posters (even though many of us have offered different views) have been quite helpful and hopefully it'll give you some ways forward in your marriage.
You seem like a nice person. Hope it works out for you and your wife.

Valdo can choose to ignore whomever he likes; I'm sure he doesn't need help deciding!

Hi OP.

I'd take the pressure right off her and see what happens.

Good luck Valdo, try to read previous posters views without taking it personally. A lot of them will have come from their own experiences and may not reflect yours or your wife's. Nonetheless they may well prove invaluable in your future, empathy is an underrated trait, whatever that may hold. All the best.

Er, so are you saying she had no hormones before having kids?

No, I'm saying the suggestion it's breastfeeding related when the OP clearly states that this problem predates children and his DW says it's not that is a ridiculous one.

Ah, so that’s why you are not really listening. Asking for a female perspective was about you feeling like a good person...

Again, another inference that others haven't made. I can't fathom why people are so determined to infer things like this. Do you always see the negative side of life?

Hormones are not only related to breastfeeding, and it often takes many years to realise that changes in your own libido might have been related to hormones, e.g. a change in contraception.

From the perspective of a woman in a sexless relationship, I can only say how utterly crushing & soul-destroying it is to be rejected continually by your supposedly-loving partner.

There's only so long you can keep making yourself vulnerable by initiating, only to be rejected. So the shutters come down to protect yourself emotionally. Once that dynamic starts in a relationship, it is very hard to snap out of.

This then starts impacting in all other areas of your relationship & you become flat-mates, going through the motions.

Most of us accept that sex lives ebb & flow throughout life. And that both parties can resolve dry patches within a kind, loving, respectful relationship.

There's a huge difference between that & "shutting up shop" - as OP's wife seems to have unilaterally done.

It leaves the options of "put up & shut up", leaving, seeking sex elsewhere or counselling.

@deckoff

No Sandy I'd say the same as I have above

I wasn't referring to you specifically or any other poster for that matter. I meant in general on MN.

The undertone, sacarsm and nastiness when men post in general on MN is awful tbh.

There seem to be an abundance of bitter manhaters... which is not representative of real life in my experience.

Even a betrayed husband has been told it must be his fault his wife cheated.. because apparently "women don't cheat unless their unhappy"

So whilst it's great you wanted a female perspective ... IME of forums... there is a higher percentage of females with extreme views here.... that aren't representative of your everyday woman.

That doesn't apply to everyone here at all

This forum is less affected by sexism IMO and in the main is full of women who will tell truths, something which sexism stifles.

Either way, OP keeps repeating that it is not him, the quality of sex, children, hormones, pregnancy etc etc....

So what is it then? Cos it must be at least one of those things as if she masturbates she is not asexual.

I’ve tried to suggest that it is likely to be a combination of many of those things and that she may not really understand it herself.

As have others.

He isnt willing to hear that.

And the fact is for a woman who has been having sex she doesn’t really want for almost a decade it is not surprising that she has reached the crisis talks stage.

The fact he went down the toys, role playing etc route may well have made her feel worse.

It may not be reachable after decades of having sex she didn’t want and I wonder why he has continued pressuring for sex for so many years given he has been clearly aware she hasn’t been into it since before children TBH. That would not make the majority of women feel safe in a relationship and would kill Stone dead any chance of recovery.

She probably should be clearer as IMO she is trying to express she wants the relationship to end but that would be very hard to express to someone you don’t feel you are safe with.

I would just remove all pressure and treat it as early dating, (hand holding, kisses and cuddles). Romance your wife again. Do not look outside your marriage for sexual contact, in any form. That will not help anyone, and I am pretty certain that most women say this because we are led to believe that men require sex in order to be happy, not because it's something that they actually want.

BUT, at the same time, I would also insist that therapy was undertaken, to start within a month.

I could not imagine living in a sexless marriage, nor would I want to. It's something that is very important to me. (I have been married for 15years and have 4dcs, all ages 8 and under, so our sex life isn't all fireworks, all the time. When DH isn't up for it, I take care of myself. I assume he does the same. No drama.)

If you both agree that it's worth working at it, knuckle down and help your wife discover her confidence and hopefully reignite that flame.

No one can read into the mind of the OPs DW. Not him, nor anyone else. Nor is any attempt to get him to document his life for inspection to apportion blame where the casual reader's preconceptions tend to require confirmation going to be of use. Any advice given needs to bear this in mind.

What's required is a constructive way forward.

To be frank the OP should listen to his instincts and decide whether a life of being with the person he loves and just masturbating is a more viable option than more proactive or destructive alternatives.

Anything else is assumption used to construct imaginary castles in the sky with the purpose of exorcising ones personal demons and not addressing the OPs issue.

What would certainly be high risk and ultimately destructive would be to take her up on her offer of allowing the OP to persue extramarital sex. I guess that's a preconception on my part but I don't see how it can end well.

Given the age of the children, I can only recommend on the basis of my own cognitive bias. If you love her and believe she is the person you think she is, back off, satisfy your own needs through masturbating (essential to maintain sex drive), focus on finding a constructive solution together or accept the status quo.

I would also advise you to encourage her to masturbate as much as she wants, whatever her driver is. Don't take it personally if she needs to do it without you there.

If the situation worsens to the point where it's more damaging to the family unit to stay in rather than get out, and you've already done the GP/ Relate etc routes then an amicable split may be the way forward while you still can.

and I wonder why he has continued pressuring for sex for so many years

Which part of any of the OP's posts have you determined that from? Again that's your own inference based on your own beliefs.