Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

I think you’ve had some pretty poor advice about ‘dry spells’ and hiw young families effect on libido etc etc. Sex lives in a marriage can of course ebb and flow. But there are a couple of really essential things to pick up from your post.
The first is that most people most of the time want a satisfying sex life well past retirement. So don’t assume that your DW doesn’t. What she is struggling with is sex with you. We know this because she is having to ‘use her imagination’. This means she can construct a sexually satisfying scenario in her mind - but not with you in reality. That’s very different to having no sex drive.
Secondly - she has suggested you sleep with other people!!! This is a massive MASSSIVE red flag. She will not be so naive as to think you might not become emotionally involved, but prepared to risk that probability. And anyway - sex is not something you can have with someone else while sustaining a loving relationship - that’s not fair on you either. And friendships are in a different level to loving partnerships. Its not something you suggest as a solution to going off sex temporarily - which is why this is not a ‘young family dry spell’
Ultimately - it sounds to me that you’ve been given the ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ talk. If there is still sleeping naked and cuddles - perhaps she feels guilty?
Advice - same as to any woman that is given the ILYBINILWY speech. There could be someone else - and there could be other unspoken issues - but this isn’t ‘just sex’. Don’t dance the ‘ pick me ‘dance’. Stay calm and support your family and put together a plan B. Draw up what you want from your relationship, and share it with her openly - and ask her to do the same. You may benefit from couple counselling - but don’t sleep walk into everything you don’t want to happen while you were waiting for it to just work out. It sounds to me as though you won’t have a plan to stay together unless you also have a plan to leave. Good luck OP.

Should it be quite so easy to identify the male posters on this thread?

Xmaspuddingdisaster why don't you identify them, if you are so sure?

Well - I think gender balance is often valuable on these threads.And because I can’t imagine the advice of ‘sitting it out’ ever being offered to women posters in this scenario- I thought I should oblige!

• avoiding any references to ducks in rows and LTB!

I think it is good to have a gender balance - if for nothing else than to see how differently we can interpret things/how often we must be talking at cross purposes.

IMO it's never about the sex. It's about what men don't do or rather, could do more of. If they could just help more, think more instead of having to be told to do stuff then women wouldn't feel knackered and frazzled. Last thing you want when you've been giving all day is to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation (sex) and have to give even more.

Yes - other issues may be unspoken-but re-read the post. They HAVE been having sex - and she has confessed that for YEARS she has been faking enjoyment. Maybe she does harbour resentment and maybe there are things OP needs to to differently? -but his DW has not spoken of them. So yes - maybe couples counselling- further exploration of why would help.
But there are some red flags here that go beyond the ‘we’ve just had a baby and after doing all the housework and breastfeeding she doesn’t want sex and it’s been three weeks already’ post - doesn’t it?

I wonder if she feels unloved a bit. Your post is all about sex. Yes it’s conplaining about lack of sex but no where do I see you say she’s beautiful, that you love her or positive things just sex sex sex sex sex. Chances are that’s reflected in how you treat her in real life. You say your angry at her. Have you stopped doing the little things that make her love you? Are you taking her for granted?

Leave sex for those months you agreed and woo your wife again. Ask how you can help her. Tell her she looks pretty. Hold her hand. Give her that kiss on the head when you hand her tea. If she feels loved she’s far more likely to want to be intimate with you.

When you start getting intimate don’t immediately aim for sex then either but just be together and build the tension a bit first. It’s more likely to happen if nobody is making an issue over it. There’s nothing less sexy than feeling like your being made to have sex. Then actually it can even hurt which makes you want it less.

Dadaist I don't disagree with your post but I am wetting myself laughing at the "three weeks already" in your example.
I think men are really very out of touch with what happens to -some- women post birth. It's not a matter of give it a few weeks, do a bit of extra washing up and everything should be back to normal.
It can take years, yes YEARS, for our bodies and minds to become ours again. There are so many multiple factors at play that they cannot possibly all be thought of, explained and understood by ourselves, let alone the men in relationships with us.
And it really isn't the same if it was the other way around, because as deckoff said, men do not physically go through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding nor are they generally the main carer. Even if a man truly believes he does 50% in the house (which studies show over and over again is commonly overestimated by men themselves) he still can't understand the toll having a child takes on a woman, physically, mentally and emotionally.
This is why "she's manipulative, ltb" is awful advice.

But she's not having any sexual response to him, for example, he can spoon her naked, and her body doesn't react. Personally, if DH were to spoon me naked, I would want to take that further, every single time....despite whether he'd pulled his weight the day before. Because I fancy him, and I want my fair share of good sex. It was a very different story with my first H. I never looked at him and thought "Phwoar", however, my now DH, I do. Every single time. Even when he's behaved like a dick, I still cannot help being physically attracted to him.

When someone has just told you they can't imagine sleeping with you ever again, what am I supposèd to do?

Relate Psycho Sexual counselling

This has no direct link to us having children and to some extent pre-dates that it seems, so no I'm not a knob

If she's still hormonal
Post birth then it DOES have a direct link to baby.

The lack of response doesn’t surprise me at all. My ex became all about the sex and it got to the stage where even a hug or a peck led to him pushing for sex. Then the inevitable arguments as it was pushing. Not too people wanting but literally sulking if he didn’t get it. Eventually you stop giving any sign of intimacy.

New partner though. Been together 3.5 years and watching him walk up the stairs is enough lol.

I think she's emotionally checked out if the marriage and is giving you permission to leave, or signalling that she wishes to. I said something similar to my husband after 20 odd years together. Now we are separated and with new partners now and although the kids haven't found it easy we still coparent sensitivity and amicably.

For people who say 20 years us worth fighting for I respond if you've not really enjoyed sex with your partner for even half of that time that's a fucking miserable state to be in. I believe sexual relationships can just run their course. But parenting relationships, and friendships needn't ever end.

Huskylover - this isn't reflective of most relationships though. Maybe you and your dh have a generally good and equal relationship so if he behaves like a dick once you can overlook it. If someone acts like a dick consistently then over time it erodes the attraction.
Of course all could be well in op's relationship and it could be that his dw has just lost attraction but it's very hard to know because he can't give her side of it.

I believe the suggestion of a longer term sexless marriage and offer of me being allowed to have sex outside it is her trying to be rational in an irrational situation.
Could be that she is terrified of the unknown - splitting up - and willing to do anything to stop you leaving her. Have you asked her why she made this offer?

You're dismissing some suggestions as if you are sure they can't be the case - the hormonal factor, for instance. But how can you be so sure? Might be worth looking into potential causes rather than assuming you know exactly what is what. Has your wife's sense of smell changed, for example? Some people find their partner's smell really disgusting before and after childbirth, or when on certain contraception.

You were both fairly young when you got together; I'm guessing neither of you had a huge amount of experience with the other sex. I'm with HeddaGarbled on that one. My ex and I were in that position, with him considering himself experienced as he had had two more teenage partners than me. Sex was fine, but after we split up (20 years later!) I discovered that he was only marginally less clueless than me. There were some things I would not do with my ex as it was uncomfortable and painful, but with my latest, really experienced, assertive and considerate partner, that is not the case. I thought I was not into some things, but it turns out that with the right partner, I am.

Reading through this thread makes me wonder if the OP is a sex-pest. I don't have the burden of childcare, but I have had partners who were constantly pestering me for sex in the past, and not just once a day. I am very clear about what I want and what I don't when and when I want it and, especially, when I don't want something.

Being with a sex-pest who is constantly pestering me in subtle ways for sex and also sex-acts I have repeatedly stated I am not into, kills off my libido faster than anything. I sounds like this is true for the wife as well. "Using imagination"? "Proactivity"? What do these even mean? It suggests that you never even give her the time and space to make the first move and that you want to do things that are a massive turn-off for her.

internet
Have ypu even read all Op's posts?!
Nothing in them suggests he is a sex pest.

If 'i'm feeling hurt and torn because my wife has said she wants a sexless relationship and has said i can sleep around outside our marriage. I'd like to work on our relationship so it can be a full and healthy marriage for us both but long term i don't want a cellibate relationship' makes someone a sex pest then add me and many of the other posters to that list

Hi, Maisypops. Did you miss me?

"because they could choose to leave the relationship that doesn’t meet their needs"

Yes because one of the criteria to qualify for the plentiful amount of social housing that is available is lack of sex in a relationship

What on earth does social housing have to do with anything?

Hi,maybe I can help you a little by telling you a little about my relationship, I have been together and married to my dh similar amounts of time and also have children.
I like your wife would like the sexual side of my relationship to stop ( I haven't admitted this to dh) I can't pin point an exact reason but these are the contributing factors i was young when we got together, very little other experience and although it was never earth shattering it was OK, I only ever have an orgasm alone, here comes what I think the main issue is my dh has made it clear we can't continue to be together if sex is out of play, he wants sex at least twice a week and I have done it to please him which makes me feel terrible and resent him. I feel like every time we are alone he expects or wants sex so I feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker. If we don't have sex he doesn't say much but signs and turns his back on me at night, the pressure is too much, there is sometimes an atmosphere in the house (I don't know whether I imagine it or not) which is horrible. I am thinking of leaving because of this, I think it would help to have a break to see how I feel when the pressure is off but I don't think that will sit well.
I think your wife has been very brave being honest with you regarding this, I think you should continue to support her by doing what you are doing which is the right thing and giving her a break. Maybe she has felt pressured (not intentially I'm sure) and by giving her some space she can relax and take a breather. The pressure I feel is eating away at me and it builds resentment, your wife has taken action before the resentment kicks in which is good. Try and show your wife how much you love her in other ways and most importantly do not sleep with anyone else she is probably saying that as she feels bad about depriving you of sex but it won't end well. I would give her time and space and see what happens I wish I could have the same.

Amazing post @Incognito35 👌👍💕