Wife doesn't want to have sex anymore but wants to stay together

[Valdo77]

Looking for advice especially if been in similar situation.

Have 2 kids (7 & nearly 2) and wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore (I'm 40, she's 37, married 14 years together 19) because hasn't wanted or enjoyed sex for a long time (she does regularly orgasm through foreplay but has relied on her imagination) and it has been a purely physical act she has gone along with.

Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity have eaten away at me for a long time and periodically led to very frank conversations on the subject as well as sometimes creating an undercurrent as I haven't felt she's made an effort and this has left me feeling undesirable and not wanted and manifested itself generally.

But sex aside, we have a good life and enjoy being with each other. And we have 2 amazing kids. So, she doesn't want anything to change, least not in the short to medium term, just no sex.

So we'll share a bed (sleep naked), cuddle each other and have non sexual physical contact and do all the things couples do like go out just two of us. Basically care and love for each other and enjoy being with each other still.

I can cope with this for a while, truth be told it is huge relief for her to have finally unburdened herself and least I know why she has been the way she has been in this dept. It will be nice to be together for a bit without sex being a consideration.

We've agreed to at least to do this for a few months, maybe taking sex out of the equation can allow us to connect better emotionally and then after that...

In my heart I want to stay close, love her and support her as while I am angry she hasn't been honest with me, she is my wife, I love her and I have played a part in this. But would it be easier on myself NOT to be sleeping naked next to her, NOT to have the non sexual physical contact? Would this make her more likely to miss me? By staying close am I risking this becomes the new norm?

While she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months that isn't something I can contemplate. I am happy to spend these few months to not make any hasty decisions and see if we can try and work some things out and see if sex could be an option in the future but it can't drag on.

In the short term she has said she would understand if I sought sex outside the relationship. She says she feels she has deprived me of great sex and that she is asking a lot of me for a few months. I don't want to - although I will miss having sex - as even with her permission I'd be cheating on her, wouldn't I?

Is she just managing me? By saying I can sleep with other people is she trying to show me a future away from her? Perhaps hoping that in a few months it'll make the decision to part easier? I think it would be better to show her that I don't need sex for the sake of it but want it with her and only her and so only consider that when we have ran our course. On the other hand, could it make her jealous and realise what she's going to give up?

I think I can only get through these few months if there is hope we can come through it the other side ultimately stronger for the experience. Is that possible? Otherwise if there's no hope maybe we should just pull off the plaster in one foul swoop?

I am sorry this is so long and convoluted, it reflects my scrambled state of mind.

Thanks for reading, just typing it has some therapeutic benefit.

Your wife has been very clear, there is no need for interpretation, she doesn’t want to have sex with you ever again, the suggestion of you sleeping with someone else says it all really. Therefore, Im not sure what this wait and see approach is supposed to achieve, accept frustrate you both even more. You’re at the crossroads now and there’s no point pretending that your not.

You need to be equally as clear, you do want sex but while married, not with anyone else. The introduction of a third person would change the dynamics of your responsibility to such an extent it would taint the good elements that your trying to preserve.

I think you do need counselling to navigate the inevitable changes that her revelations will have on your futures. Neither of you are wrong for feeling the way you do but the idea that you can outsource an important part of your relationship without it having a major impact on you as a couple or as an individual,is foolhardy.

Your marriage may or may not be ending but be proactive, don’t let it die through neglect, resentment and fear.

I'm sorry but it would be a deal breaker for me and I'd leave.

And if a marriage breaks down because one partner can't cope without sex temporarily, I'd argue it absolutely is their fault.
Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong pledge that helps carry you through these times. Not a "right, if you're not putting out within a few months, I'm off" scenario
I would agree, if the situation is 'wife is off sex for a bit after a baby'.
However, that's not what the OP has said. His wife is asking for a sexless relationship completely. As in keep every element of the relationships the same (including naked cuddles in bed) but take sex off the table for good.

When 2 people get married sex is part of that. In sickness and in health does mean to support each other through the tough times but it doesn't mean one party can unilaterally change the terms of the relationship and the other has to accept it otherwise people judge them for considering leaving.

My take on it is 'if person A said I'm up for sex, but from now on I'll only want anal from now on/only want oral sex from now on/am only really interested in S&M/only want to do tantric sex etc and that's jist how it has to be' then would we understand if partner B felt that was a massive shift in the terms of their relationship? I would say yes, we understand because sex is a special part of a marriage so it's important to be on the same page.

It sounds as if you are saying that,actually,your sex life has never been fantastic - your wife hasn't been enjoying it and you have been frustrated by
Her lack of participation, imagination and proactivity .
You have talked about it but you haven't managed to fix it.
I have been in this position as the wife,and I do appreciate how hard it must be for you feeling unwanted and undesirable.But it's also soul destroying from the other side,and your comment that you felt she didn't make an effort resonated with me - everything can sometimes need some work,but sex with the person you love is meant to be fun.Its not meant to be work,it's not meant to require constant effort and if it does for either of you something is wrong.
I got to the point where I just couldn't do it - having been making an effort for my whole marriage.
If you want to stay married I think you need to see a counsellor.This is obviously a long term issue,these things are difficult and painful to unpack and IMO it needs outside help.There could be any number of reasons behind it but you need to be able to be honest with each other as to what,and tbh it doesn't sound as if a few months without sex on its own is going to result in her throwing herself back into an enthusiastic sex life.

It could be she has valid reasons for not enjoying it... she could be too tired...she could be lacking confidence with her body... It could be that her husband isn't trying to satisfy her hence she relies on her imagination

Ultimately, if my dh (or myself) wanted out of our marriage as soon as one of us was having a dry spell, we wouldn't be celebrating 24yrs next year.

And equating not leaving because of a lack of sex, to not leaving because of DV...2 completely DIFFERENT and in no way comparable situations.

I don't think she is necessarily being manipulative to say she would understand if you sought sex elsewhere - just miserable (because this has been building for a while, because she is scared you will leave) and desperate (to hang onto the marriage, to not be unfair etc).
But assumptions and undercurrents are really hard to talk through. I think you need to go to counselling preferably now, or once the 'few months' is up - use sitters. co.uk if you don't want to ask anyone you know to babysit, and tell her you really want to work out how to save your marriage.

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wife has told me doesn't want to have sex anymore

she has already suggested the arrangement could be longer than just these few months

Mate.

MATE.

It's over. She is never ever ever ever having sex with you again. This "next few months" thing is just her hoping you'll get used to it.

Sorry.

ElspethFlashman
I agree.
It sounds like she is happy in the marriage but wants to keep the status quo whilst changing a fairly fundamental element of the relationship.
Plus, we don't have no fault divorce in the UK so part of me would worry that if OP did seek sex out of the relationship it would enable his wife to claim adultery for the divorce and blame him.

There's one thing that's a Universal Truth.

Them that cheated, is always the bad guy.

Doesn't matter if there was no sex for 10 years, the gossips won't care. "He played away you know, she's devastated"

There's a guy in my town whose wife has been in a nursing home for 10 years with early onset Alzheimer's - doesn't even know her own kids - he's got a new partner and people STILL raise their eyebrows about him being with another woman.

Doesn't matter if she stood at the end of the bed anointing you with holy water whilst you had sex with another woman - you'll still be the bad guy.

I think it's strange for her to say she's still happy to sleep naked and cuddle together etc. Surely you'll become aroused- and then what?! That along with the fact she's 'happy' for you to sleep with other people makes me think you should both seek counselling/support and get to the root of the problem. Even if it's general fatigue/the monotony of being a mother. It warrants proper discussion.

I've come across cases like this through my work. It's almost never about sex. I would recommend you see a counselor or a relationship coach.

I can't help but think that someone who says they don't want to have sex ever again is someone who is experiencing issues in some part of their life. I know she is adament she doesn't want sex anymore, but when you feel strongly in the present, it's hard to imagine it ever changing.

I can't help but think there will be an issue that is causing this and counselling would help find out what that is (be it depression, fear, resentment, an overwhelming feeling that life is too much, etc).

Or maybe I'm wrong and she really means it. If this is the case, I'm very sorry for you.

Best of luck.

I'd say that a year post-partum with a 2nd child, who you are BF, is not a great place to be making a decision about imposing a sexless relationship on your partner.

IME, most women don't get their mojo back till the 2nd child is around 3-4years old.

For OP, I'd agree to the 3 months & insist on some counselling to really un-pick this one. And expect to hear things you don't like in counselling.

I have felt like I never want to have sex again for 7 years. I suggested to my husband that he seeks sex elsewhere and he did eventually. He paid for it rather than trying to find someone socially. Even though it was my idea the whole thing hurt me and, funnily enough, made me snap out of not wanting sex.
So we're back on track now; I just prefer not to think about that time when he slept with someone else.

Thank you for the various comments and sharing of experiences.

I am going to maintain the 'status quo' and the idea of an initial few months is not the belief we can fix this but just breathe, stand back and try and forge a closer connection on a non sexual basis.

Right now this already feels a lot better and I think having shared her feelings she feels a massive weight has been lifted, which in itself is a step forward but we know this is just the first step of many that could span a long time and potentially involve external help.

I am disappointed some people haven't read the OP properly. This is not about me getting what I am 'due' sexually and I am taking some of the responsibility for how we got here, as is she. I want to support her and I want us to work this out together so that we can be together in a healthy relationship that includes sex in the future.

I believe the suggestion of a longer term sexless marriage and offer of me being allowed to have sex outside it is her trying to be rational in an irrational situation.

Neither of us can really contemplate a life without sex, she may think she could right now but eventually with the pressure off In our relationship her desire for it - if not necessarily me - would return.

While some of the suggestions of potential factors don't apply to us in the same way as it obviously has others (e.g. contraception, physical factors, impact of having children) what it has given is hope that if you have two people who can love each other, care for one another and support each other - and be mature enough to say let's put sex to one side for a bit - that you can succeed.

For us this is not about trying to really get back to something but to move forward and have something we have possibly never really had. Whether we'll succeed, who knows but if not it won't be for the lack of effort

Deal breaker for me.
solicitor on 2 Jan.
Divorce.
that would be my response.

I honestly believe you need to give it more time. Your second child is still so young. Your DW might feel like she never wants sex again right now, but this may completely change as your DC gets older. I felt like her too and now that our youngest is nearly 4, my body finally feels vaguely normal again. Please try and support your DW and have some counselling.

It certainly is a problem. You have kids to consider, you like each other but this big thing is missing.
She is very young to feel like this though. I wonder if there is some physical hormone imbalance causing this which needs to be sorted. Some people find testosterone helpful for lack of sex drive.
It seems sensible for her to consult a doctor, she is missing out on what could be a happy marriage to, also counselling might help.
It's really important that you both explore all the avenues available to you.
I lost all of my sex drive at menopause, I call it dead from the neck down, it wasn't taken seriously by my GO and I am now divorced. i have no desire to be with another man and have decided to be single from now on. But you are too young for this.

I admire the way you’ve reflected on the responses and want to build a future with your wife which works for you both.

Having a few months breathing space sounds a good plan. I’d just be sure that you set some goals to have further conversations and make decisions, because there’s a risk with leaving things open ended that the issue will drift and fester

Bottom line is, your wife is wanting to dictate something fundamental to marriage- saying she won’t have sex with you- while wanting everything else which suits her to remain exactly the same. That’s not right and not workable- by making this major unilateral decision, she is changing the marriage contract.

You sound an insightful person and presumably there were good, solid reasons why you married your wife so I don’t for a moment think this is a lost cause. Any marriage worth being in has its ups and downs. But do set some goals- agree to take the sex issue off the table for now, with the proviso that it isn’t a permanent deal for you and therefore needs to be explored and discussed before long

I have just remembered (it was a long time ago) that the pill made me lose my sex drive completely when I was young, tried all kinds and they were all the same. I came off it and it returned as if by magic. Maybe it's contraception.

You keep saying that having children has not impacted your wife but how can you possibly know that? Her hormonal levels may still be out of whack and even she wouldn't know. You're not listening to the women on here who are telling you that you have a one year old and this is normal. All of it, even feeling that she never wants sex again. If you want to keep your marriage you have to wait it out and continue being the good husband you believe you are - for potentially another few years, not just months.

So, you've been together since she was 18? You might have been her first and only Partner. Have you considered that boredom could be a factor here? At 37, her libido should be peaking, in other words much higher than when she was in her 20's....and yet, hers is non existent.

She doesn't want to split up, because then she would potentially lose many of the nice things that her marriage currently provides, like the financial security of marriage, nice house, nice car, foreign holidays. As you've been together 19 years, I am guessing, that you have probably by now created quite the cushy set up. I can't help wondering if she scooped a Million on the lottery, that your arse would be shown the door.

She's being monumentally cruel, expecting you to spoon her naked, and not get aroused. I would suggest, that the next time she's on a diet that you bring cream cakes home every night, or regularly drive her through her favourite fast food joint, only never managing to stop at the window.

Finally, the fact that she has said she doesn't care mind if you fuck other women, is a huge red flag. I have yet to meet anyone who is madly in love with someone, but wouldn't balk at the thought of them sleeping with someone else.

I think you do both love each other, but from her side she now loves you more like a brother. Or you've been "friend zoned". You can of course, keep waiting for this to change. I'd love to think that one day she'd suddenly wake up transformed into some passion bunny, Marilyn Monroe type sex goddess, but I'm not sure this is very likely ever ever ever ever

Personally, in your shoes, I think I would withdraw all intimacy, move in to the spare room, and start going out with my mates more. It might give her some space and food for thought.

the fact that she has said she doesn't care/mind if you fuck other women, is a huge red flag. I have yet to meet anyone who is madly in love with someone, but wouldn't balk at the thought of them sleeping with someone else

^This