"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's December 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

dusk I'm also interested in finding out what coda is

On3 that's how I feel too. Angry and relieved. Fuck them, all of them!

Thanks Dobby. It's good to know I'm not alone

I do hope nobody minds if I post, even though my situation is not as bad as so many people on here. I just need to to vent cause I’m so pissed off...

I booked a flight to go and see my sister, first time for a couple of years. My mum said she was going up the week before... now she’s changed her plans to stay on and is catching the same flight back. I just wanted a relaxing break to see DSis and family, and now Mum is all “it will be great for us all to be together!” Actually, no it won’t, I find it stressful enough being in the same house for a few hours - and now we have to spend several days cooped up in a small house.

It’s probably a coincidence her getting the same flight (she probably picked the cheapest one, same as I did) but her whole attitude of it being ‘happy families together’ has really annoyed me, it almost feels like she’s sabotaged my holiday. I won’t go into the reasons I find it difficult to be around her - you guys know what it’s like, and normally I manage by carefully making sure to limit our time together.

I feel angry with myself for getting upset over something so minor, jeez I’m 47 - too old to be crying about little things. We’re all going to be crammed in a tiny house, sleeping on the floor... and there’s only 1 bathroom, and I’m going to have her picking at me the whole time.

And the memory of us trying to catch a flight 15 years ago is still seared on my mind; which we damn nearly missed because she was doing her nonchalant ‘don’t give a toss’ act... “we don’t need to leave til 10 minutes before check-in, I know a short cut, stop fussing we have plenty of time” and we barely caught the plane.

And unfortunately ever since then I’ve actually had real anxiety over missing a flight or train... gosh my heart is racing just writing this down.

I am so angry I haven’t replied to her text. Seriously, when she suggested maybe staying on for a few days, my total lack of enthusiasm didn’t alert her to the fact that I wasn’t planning on spending money on flights just so she could wax lyrical about all her kids and grandchildren being in the same place?!

Rant over. I just needed to get it off my chest. [and breath]

I don't usually post here, but I so frequently get into situations with my mum, as I feel she has some narc traits but its so hard to pinpoint. She visited, we rowed again. My DH has said he won't have her here again as our relationship is unhealthy, and it always sends me into a "spiral of weirdness" (basically I lose all ability to deal with things in a mature way and get weepy and depressed). But, I can't understand exactly what is wrong. All I know is, I have a lot of anger about her, my childhood, her behaviour. I recently was diagnosed with cancer but I felt reticent telling her because I knew she'd be awful and unhelpful. It's just so confusing.

dolly that must be so hard, keeping the news about your cancer to yourself! It feels like the one person who should be there for you, support you... is the one who you just can’t share it with. I was seriously ill many years ago, and although my mum was supportive (in her own special way!) it also raised a lot of buried feelings about our relationship. In fact, it was that which triggered me to seeking counselling.

I’ve often thought that if I was ever to receive a terminal illness diagnosis that I would actually hide it from my mother. You have to do what feels right for you. Glad to hear your DH understands.

Hi everyone, sorry to intrude. I know my situation is infinitely better than most people's here, but I just had to get this off my chest, even if nobody reads it. I'm a very happy single mum to a two-year old but I feel like I'm drowning, not because of DD but because of my parents. I can't live more than 5 minutes away from my mother because, every time I've raised the possibility of moving to a nearby but bigger town, she's had a tantrum and told me I'm selfish, cruel and that she's worried about my mental health, etc. She also insists on providing all childcare for DD and has a similar tantrum if I even suggest as much as introducing one day with a childminder a week. She interferes constantly, deciding that I have a "problem" that needs fixing with the way I'm parenting DD and then raging or sulking about what a terrible ungrateful daughter I am when I don't accept her solutions (because she's spent hours and hours googling toddler beds or whatever without asking me first whether I want to transition DD to a toddler bed yet). If I try to push back and tell her not to be so controlling, I get told that I'm ungrateful, cruel, that I'm just somehow who enjoys starting fights (on the contrary, most of the problems in my life have been caused by a pathological desire to avoid any confrontation), that I need to see a psychiatrist. I'm very isolated too. I don't get to go out often, partly because my mother insists on providing all childcare and I dread asking her to babysit because I never know when I'll get the whole martyr thing. I want to reach out more to other local mums, but every time I've mentioned that I'm thinking of setting up some playmates, my mum finds a way to make me feel insecure about it ("you'll have to get DD's dribble rash to clear up first, because other women will judge you for that").

I just love my daughter so much and she makes me so happy, but sometimes I find myself thinking very seriously of suicide.

"Someone" and "playdates" , I mean. Bloody autocorrect.

Anxious

Suicide is not the way out. Please take my word for it. Your DD needs you.

Many people, particularly first time posters to this thread, often write that their situation was not all that bad. I will point you to the response to that written in the first post of this thread and all previous stately homes thread:-

"One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth".

Your situation is appalling and your mother continues to abuse you and in turn your DD. She is projecting her own self onto you and your child. She is the selfish and cruel overbearing narcissistic one here, she is seeing you as an extension of her. You need to move towns and not tell them, not leave a forwarding address and not use her at all as childcare; she is not a safe person to be around your child either because she will do her emotional harm. You were not put on this earth to serve her and or be her emotional punchbag; her treatment of you remains abusive. You do not owe her a relationship of any sort.

@AnxiousNewUser I'm so sorry, your M sounds like a nightmare. I understand this actually because my M is actually very similar. She would also spend time googling stuff that she thinks I want. And then she invents things that we have supposedly said (this really annoys my DH).

She calls it 'problem solving'. And then she says, 'you don't have to do this but ...' but then she goes on about it. The thing is, I'm generally not asking for her to solve the problem, I'm just talking to her. I'm learning to stop doing it.

Then there's unwanted 'advice'.

What in the end helped me was that last year SS were involved with our family because I was drinking to excess and asked for help. The social worker interviewed my M and felt that she couldn't be trusted to keep my DDs safe when with both of them together. That made it easier to avoid her.

She can be emotionally abusive, though it's always with the intention of trying to help, I do believe that. She went on about my weight when I was growing up, it's given me such bad food issues over the years, I'm struggling with an eating disorder now.

Your M sounds like she takes it to a new level, though. She's definitely emotionally abusing you, it's all about her needs, that's not right at all. And I concur with @AttilaTheMeerkat that you need to protect your DD from her.

to you. Please go and get some proper help. Your GP will prescribe medication for you, as you definitely sound depressed. And you can also find a therapist, just talking it through can help you to see clearly what's going on. I've been to quite a few therapists, you do need to find the right one for you.

On3Mor3Try Awesome! Your anger is righteous. It will help to heal you. You too dobby.

dolly I'm so sorry about your cancer diagnosis and I relate to your not wanting to tell your mother. If your mother has narcissistic traits I imagine that your diagnosis would immediately become all about her. You might think that cancer is one of the worst things that can happen to a person but I think you'll find that being a narcissist and having a daughter with cancer tops it. My experience with my mother was that she would use any sort of illness or weakness as a way to undermine me with backhanders and would try to take control of things and press for lots of information that I wasn't comfortable giving her and stuff like that, does that sound familar?

What comes out of your post is your confusion, a feeling that things aren't right but you can't exactly put your finger on what's wrong. I think a lot of us have felt like that. A lot of narcissistic abuse is quite subtle, they're basically trying to make themselves look good by putting other people down, so they do it quite subtly. Also if you got a lot of grief from your mother in childhood it's possible that you dissociate a lot when you're around her, so you don't actually remember what's been said and stuff. Have you read any of the books mentioned in the OP? Toxic Parents might be a help, as there are scenarios and anecdotes in there that you might relate to. What does your DH say? He's quite clear that your mother's bad news, has he talked about that much?

Anxious
In a nutshell I agree with Attila.

The way I see it right, you would like to get your mother to change her behaviour. There are like 4 strategies that people use to try to influence other people’s behaviour.

1. Have a rational discussion between equals with the other person where you point out the effect their behaviour is having on you and ask them to stop. This only works with people who are nice and relatively OK mentally. This is not your mum.
2. Have what you think is a rational conversation between equals but is actually you pleading for something that should be yours by right - like - you’re coming from a submissive position and they’ll never agree to anything that doesn’t suit them.
3. If you have a will of absolute iron you can probably train your mother not to do these things. You set out your red lines - you’re not going to listen to (her undermining and singularly unhelpful) “advice”, you don’t want to hear criticism of your parenting, and your DD is going to a childminder x times a week. If she has a problem with doing any of that you understand her feelings and you’ll put your DD with a childminder for the full week. And you stick to that. Regarding the playdates you don’t even tell her. And if she starts giving you “advice” again or guilt trips you or anything you tell her “I’ve told you I don’t want to hear this, so we’re leaving now, we’ll see you in x” and you walk out, no messing about. She’ll throw everything in her armoury at you and it will be quite scary for you but it’s likely that she’ll run out of ammo pretty quickly because at the end of the day what can she do? - Having said that, there are controlling people who will escalate to violence, and if you think she might, then forget everything I’ve said about boundaries, you should just get the hell away.
4. No contact, of some sort or other. Move away, leave no forwarding address, block her number. Arrange your life how you want. Make mum friends, have playdates, make your own decisions about your daughter, grow in confidence. This option has massive benefits in that you can do exactly what you want (and what you want is entirely reasonable, and your only accountability is to your DD in any case) and it avoids you - a conflict-avoiding person with anxiety - having to come into direct conflict with the very person who stifled your ability to stand up for yourself in the first place. Will she go nuts? Yes. Will she rage, and swear vengeance? Absolutely. But you won’t be able to hear her.

Maybe you think 4 is too extreme. But you’ve come on here and you have suicidal thoughts. You need to be looking after yourself, and your daughter, and not allowing your mother to drain away all your energy and happiness with her raging and her criticism. What will happen if you die? Will your DD end up with your mother? And have the same life as you did.

Dolly this clip by Richard Grannon on identifying narcissistic abuse might be interesting to you - I think it's a good guide to identifying any kind of abusive/crap behaviour for anyone who's been taught not to trust their own instincts/told they were oversensitive, that sort of thing.

Thank you for your responses. I will look at the video.
Anxious, please do set up play dates! Other women will certainly not judge you in the way your mother suggests and it might be refreshing to be around someone who does not constantly undermine your parenting.

Oh I also meant to recommend to the thread generally, I read People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck - his book The Road Less Travelled is more famous but this one was his "study of evil", he believes in evil and he has some case studies in the book that were pretty textbook malignant narcissists, with details sometimes so similar to my mother that he could have been talking about her. To have it down there in black and white was very validating.

Hi everyone. Really struggling at the minute. Feel like I am stuck.

I know I should be relieved that I haven’t heard from anyone in my family, but I am feeling so sad about it all at the moment.

Well done toomuch for standing up for yourself; wish I could do that!

Sending and good vibes to everyone who is struggling. So sick of it all.

Hi sunflower

Hard as it is, it's good to let yourself feel the sadness. Your intellectual understanding might say you're better off without them but it takes a while for the heart to catch up.

Regarding the standing up for myself thing, I used to do it and I'd feel scared and ashamed for ages afterwards. I was really surprised that that had changed because I didn't do anything specific to make that change, I think it was just a nice side effect of healing.
It will get easier for you too in time, sunflower

Hi, a friend recommended this thread and I literally don't know where to start. Here goes..
Grew up in family where my parents constantly argued. Dad is bipolar. I suffered depression as a child. Aged 18 dad walked out and mum fell apart all the day before I went to uni. I was left with no money to go to uni I applied for a hardship grant. My parents divorce took 3 years with a barrister after a year of trying to help my mum and cope with my dads manic episodes I had meningitis and suffered a breakdown. I refused to go home to my parents town for support so voluntarily went to a psychiatric unit. My mum told them my dad was bipolar and they concluded I must be too. This was the start of 18 years of having to take medication. I went non contact with my dad because the arguments made me feel ill. After 5 years we reconciled but the reconciliation was so stressful it caused a nervous breakdown. My relationship with my sister was always strained as she was frightened of my bipolar. I finished university (with a first) and continued to live away from home as I felt safe in my own bubble away from family tensions. I struggled with anxiety my mum was supportive always came up if I was struggling. My relationship with dad gradually improved. Tried to get on with my sister but she ha so many friends she didn't really need me. My sister moved back near to my mum and they became incredibly close. I visited but felt left out. My sister got married I was told I couldn't go to the wedding as I had had a breakdown and I wasn't deemed well enough to go. I finally met my husband - my life turned around I was happy- medications reduced. My mum told me I shouldn't have children as I'd pass bipolar on- this broke me. All I wanted was a family. Mum fell out with me at the time we got engaged the fallout precipitated my first hospital admission in 5 years. She's distant with me and our relationship never recovered. My sister and mum have both had several arguments with me over the phone- taking turns to pass the phone. I've been told I'm selfish a horrible person I need to be told the truth because nobody else will. My sister says I'm the cause of my mums unhappiness. I feel alone. I have a daughter she's my entire world. I'm a great mum. I didn't suffer postnatal depression until another fallout with mum. After every fallout I'm the only one who apologises the arguments break my heart because I grew up where arguments were the norm. I feel I can't cope with them anymore. I'm 7 weeks pregnant again- I was delighted but I've just been diagnosed with diabetes and I've been feeling low. Mum came up but we got into a row and she told me she was never visiting me again I told her to leave then because I couldn't cope with the upset. I've texted and apologised. No reply. My sister is now ignoring me too. All of this wears me down and my husband is sick of it too. I want to just say sod them and focus on my family but I have the guilt that we should work things out but we can't move forwards because apparantly I'm the only one in the wrong and the problem is me not them. Sorry this was so long. Feels therapeutic to actually write it.

Just to add- I've never ha a single fallout with a friend- I'm amenable and get on with work colleagues. My most recent psychologist didn't think I was bipolar and that my breakdowns were caused by stressful relationships.

Twinkle hello, and welcome - glad you're here, sorry you have to be.

If I had a kid with suspected bipolar or in any case if my child had repeated admissions to psychiatric hospital I'd feel incredibly guilty and I'd try not to let that get in the way of me doing everything I could to support her. That's not what your parents have done at all. You do seem to have been made the scapegoat for a lot of stuff and it's really hard to see any evidence of your parents ever putting you first. And now your mother is turning on you.

A couple of things stood out in your post.

felt safe in my own bubble away from family tensions

Life away from your family is life. It's not a bubble. It comes across almost as if you see your family and their drama as your duty, your responsibility. That disengaging from all that means shirking your work in some way, being not serious. Where in actual fact,. someone of your age at the time, barely out of her teens, to be facing admission to a psychiatric ward rather than go home, that says something pretty damning about home. It's supposed to be a sanctuary. If it's not, that's not your fault.

want to just say sod them and focus on my family

That sounds like a fantastic idea. And I'll tell you, the guilt doesn't last for half as long as you would think.

Everything you've done for yourself - your degree, your relationship, your family - you've done well. Every time you've had problems it's been shortly after you had contact with your family.

Your mother and sister have saved you the trouble of ditching them - don't send any more apologies and when they come back trying to reel you back in, have a good long think about whether you want contact and on what terms. Go through it with the therapist, examine what you want. Don't waste any more time looking after your mother's feelings, as she's not made the slightest effort to care for yours.

Wow! (I will catch up later, just need to vent).

Mother has just turned up on our doorstep. After me sending the letter saying they were not welcome. Dh shut the door on her as I was in the loo at the time. Clearly they are ignoring or she didn't see it. (Wouldn't put it past father to hide it).

Anyway, the reason for the visit appears to be to excommunicate me!!! Yeah, I wonder how that works when you've already told someone not to bother. Dropped off a bag of things that are apparently ours from their cupboards (I've checked, most of it isn't) and proceeded to berate me for my actions leading to this.

I have naturally taken full responsibility for them, which I have done all along. And pointed out that I still have never had an apology for father's abusive outburst in my home. But then we circle back to it being 'all my fault'. And 'what has x person done?' In relation to an elderly relative, who I don't visit because I don't know whether I will bump into people I'd rather not see.

Twinkletoes, I second toomuch saying the guilt doesn't last as long as you think. I verbally told mother they were not welcome at my door this morning. I felt terribly guilty initially by breaking contact with them a few weeks ago, but my little family is much happier for not having that stress in our lives.

The longer you spend away from them, the better you will likely feel. Because you don't have that cloud of negativity hanging over you.

My family need a scape goat, someone to blame when everything else is going wrong in their lives. I can't say I haven't done things which I regret. But I can say it is not my fault father is a bigot, sexist, racist and pretty much any -ist you care to think of. It is not my fault mother stays with a man who at best emotionally abusive, that her own family are relatively dysfunctional in how they deal with each other. It is not my fault that for all the issues Dh and I have ever had, that we continue to work together whereas my sister got a divorce.

But even as a child I was made to feel second best, that anything which happened - the 5 years of secondary school bullying, losing friends and losing my temper was my fault. That I constantly had to vie for attention from my parents because they were wrapped up with my sister and then with her being a teen mum. Rather than because I had never learnt the skills to deal with things effectively.

But it is never too late to change ourselves.

Thanks @toomuchtooold I removed my last post just cos I thought someone who knew me if reading this would be able to indentify me as I gave quite a lot away. Your advice has really helped. Just on way to my scan.

Oh and the scan was perfect!

toomuchtooold you were so helpful and I should have got back to you sooner.
Realistically I have got myself in a bad situation. My illness which I usually have some control over has totally flared up, I am not sleeping, having flashbacks, in so much pain.
My husband is fed up of me. He says I am causing all this myself and should just get on with my life. He doesn’t want to talk about it, says he has heard it all before.
The books are helpful, thank you, but finding it hard to retain any information.
So no resolution. My mother is OK I guess as have heard nothing about her. I still feel so responsible but not sure what I can do.
I need to get myself out of this hole somehow but is so difficult when I can’t actually DO anything. Can’t even go out and meet someone, go for a walk. So am just being a self pitying whinge.
I know I have to help myself, not asking for pity, but my mind and my body seem to have totally packed up on me. I do not want to be a burden on anyone and have tried so hard since I got ill not to be. Nobody owes me anything. I’ll stop rambling.