"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's December 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

It's a really interesting question actually. (I will read toomuch's blog now). My father was an alcoholic and my mother a narc and when I met DH his parents seemed really nice and normal. But iwth time I learned that his dad had been abusive to his mum in the past (some DV and a fair bit of EA) and that his dad had a quite a lot of narcissistic traits. He's dead now (FIL). I've often wondered if we kind of "recognised" something in each other when we met.

That really is an interesting question. It was probably true of me too, with xh. His family seemed normal on the surface but xMIL definitely fit the narcissist bill. xFIL was a complete enabler. xH was the golden child, BIL was the scapegoat and good for nothing despite actually being quite successful (I'm sure he'd have been very successful if his family hadn't constantly chipped at his confidence).

Now DH horrible way of putting it comes from a family that has clear issues within their relationships, but nothing I'd describe as toxic - more moments that occasionally rear their head but can be dealt with largely by stepping back from the situation, with no reprisals issued if you do this. Plus general fallings out where any reasonable person would understand it. TBH this makes me feel a lot better, people can disagree within families apparently. It was news to me a while back though!

Thanks for sharing the link to your blog post toomuchtooold. It was very interesting - you write so well! So much of what you wrote resonated with me in that post to the point of being comforting. I'm looking forward to reading more.

I wonder that too Golondrina - I had a good think about it this morning and now recognise there were signs (their reactions to challenging things that were going on in his life at the time) that I picked up on before I had even met his parents. I do wonder if that pulled me closer.

I've found myself being very observational in the last few years of the dynamics within normal families and that struck me too Dobby - that they can disagree but they sort it out and move on without any resentment.

The most recent thing I really noticed (that I wouldn't have done before the last few years when I started to learn about dysfunctional behaviour) was the dad's reaction to an shit stirring/triangulation attempt by his son-in-law. It was perfect - clearly stated that he (and his wife) had boundaries and they are capable of managing them themselves but in a gentle, non confrontational grey rock kind of way.

I noticed it when I met DH's extended family. They seemed to be able to have arguments, or disagree about things without it descending into a 5-day long drama with the mother taking to bed and saying she wanted to kill herself and everyone else pandering and ending up apologising but not knowing what for, just to try to put a stop to it and then it dragging on for another week...blah blah blah. Can you get a sense of what my mother was like, ha ha ha?

Hi all, sorry for disappearing, it's been a weird week.

Moveable - yep. Agree with everything you say!

Keras - I met the entire extended family very early on and although there are naturally family politics, I was struck by how warm and accepting they were. My own family are caring in their own way, but I've always been a black sheep. With DH's family, I felt welcomed and accepted for who I was. I definitely think I was drawn to that.

Of course I now realise that MIL can be very warm and caring. In many ways, she has been very good to me in the past, which is why it's been hard to stand up for myself. Respect for your elders and don't be ungrateful, etc. So she's got into the habit of behaving however she likes, because I didn't pull her up on it properly, and neither did DH or FIL.

I think a lot of it probably goes over their heads, because they don't appear to realise it's not normal to speak to people the way she does. That said, DH did say the other day that he and FIL tell her to shut up when she's getting too close to the bone with them, so they probably expect me to do the same. But I don't think it's that easy when you're a just DIL and you're staying in her house.

DH says she's not as calculating as I think. That might be the case, but it doesn't stop the cutting remarks. She seems to know know exactly where to hurt me most and doesn't hold back.

She's arriving tomorrow. All week I've been remembering the nice things they've done for me, almost convincing myself that I'm the one in the wrong and that I should make up with her. FOG no doubt. Just have to keep reminding myself that I don't want my son exposed to an environment where he sees his mother being belittled and talked down to all the time.

On the plus side, DH has been really lovely this week (not in the 'trying to sweeten me up' sense). I made the point that very few people would put up with this shit and he's got the message. He said we'll have to see if she's "learned anything" from the last few months, ie pissing me off means her seeing a lot less of her GS.

Just have to wait and see how the weekend pans out now. If anyone's around to give me a handhold, that would be fab!

Toomuchtooold - that blog post was fascinating, thanks for the link

Golodrina - you made me think about a relative who would get 'nerve related issues' if there was ever any... honestly can't think of a word. It encompassed so much, depending on their mood.

You're meant to feel guilty and remorseful, even though you're not really sure what you did wrong.

I had two ends of the spectrum, I know why, but it scarred me for life. You had the above, then you had the opposite, strong willed, didn't like you because of factors not even your fault. If you took round flowers, chocolates, cards, it would always be, what do you want. Pretty much a glutton for punishment, I persevered even though the negative response over 20 years.

I pride myself pretty much on taking in what I experienced and ensuring I never do the same.

Recently I've needed a bit of help, I'm no spring chicken, parents both live in big houses, so thankfully one is storing some stuff temporarily. I got a message that said I needed psychiatric help because of something I collected.

I compared my life to my siblings, I worked really hard till it was impossible. So difference A. I ensured my DC had everything they needed and wanted to compensate for me being ill. So no one went or goes without. We all have different interests, 6 siblings or 10 if you include step siblings. You've got the one who indulges in drinking, smoking, fast food, plus other stuff we won't talk about. Two are mad about cars and either go for the extreme limited edition versions and then adds stuff, or the one who gets wrecks and renovates. The girly girl who is mad about the TOWIE lifestyle. The one with no motivation and fits a certain stereotype. The one who is a bit like the TOWIE one but lives a middle class lifestyle on a working class budget. I've never criticised any of them, as we're all unique with different personalities. Ooh and the gambler, who would happily blow their wages before dawn and expect everyone else to cover their living costs.

I could achieve all of my goals and become something crazily amazing, it would never be good enough. You have to get used to it I guess. I've got the book about Crazy Mums but not had chance to read it.

If you had to suggest good ways of dealing with this via self help / books what would you suggest? I've got quite a few on meditation / can't think of the word but that new 'in' thing that everyone is doing.

Mamasnet - I really feel for you, I was lucky in a way that with my ex, his Mum realised that she needed to behave differently, very quickly. It was weird to get used to.

The Mum's that seem to be similar to your MIL either have only children or just 1 son. Is that the case with you? I unfortunately have only really had experience of this. My DC's Dad's family is amazing with their GC, both equally get spoilt as does my ex. I had a BF decades back where he & his Dad were under the thumb with MIL. FIL was the nicest guy in earth, he really made an effort, I loved him to pieces. Ex MIL was at a family funeral as she knew the relative, I tried to be sickly sweet and I was still treated like crap by her. But in speaking to her son, his wife 'gets on' with her, it sounds like it's pretty much as strained as it's always been with any woman he's seen. She's of the impression that the son owes her some how, I don't know if he's firmer now. I remember us going for coffee with an ex as they were friends, she asked oh how do you find MIL, I said she delightful, the woman said no really how do you find her?

If you are intuitive you will pick up on things maybe DH doesn't want to acknowledge, if that makes sense. The weirdest situation I had was where another ex (in my youth) was aware as was many others, about a certain thing, but also ignored it. I found it hard to be aware of something but have to act like I wasn't.

I've got a DS & DD, I find with DS if you get him on his own he's a totally different person with me at least. Where if his Dad is about or his sister he's all macho. I think it's teenage hormones. But perhaps it's similar with DH where he goes on 1-2-1 experiences rather than what you go through as a couple.

I know it can be annoying, there was a situation that had me in tears, I said this certain inlaw had done something just to rub it in. I was told I was being crazy. The situation was very specific, it was also obviously a look what I've got that you haven't. It was something I desperately needed, she had it and was given more. If it wasn't outing I'd be more specific, but it was a definite knife in the back scenario. DH was very no you are being crazy, which upset me even more.

I would say in your head or in a journal set a limit on what you'll tolerate, if it goes over that then DH can do what he wants but you are not subjecting yourself or your DC to it anymore end of. You might find DH tries to be secretive about liaisons, so you need to decide depending how old DC are what contact you're comfy with under DH's supervision. As DC get older get them to be open as possible, so if you do end up NC MIL, if she's saying horrid things to your DC about you, they'll feel comfy telling you, even if Grandma says don't tell Mummy but I think she's horrid, kind of thing.

My inbox is always open, in fact to anyone, who wants or needs to be more specific but feel uncomfy on a public forum.

I'll add that again if anyone didn't see, if you ever need to talk about something specific that you don't want visible, my inbox is always open. I've been through so much, plus working in management I've got plenty of counselling experience.

Hope you all have a great weekend.

I know I waffled a bit before but I wondered if for those not in the know / lurkers too shy to post, if you know of books / websites / resources for dealing with what we have and do deal with?

I'll try and get a list myself and post tomorrow.

Hello, I’ve posted before and the support was so helpful. Then I disappeared and back now cos I’m in tears, hiding upstairs as my mum is here. I’m sorry I’m just taking a bf not giving anyone any help, but please help me.

I just hate her. We depend on her for childcare and rather than get up early she insists on staying here the night before. Obviously there is a long back story but I guess it just boils down to emotional neglect and the fact that she is a selfish awful cruel person.
She’s already said this evening that I have a fat bottom, that my DD doesn’t look like me or DH and, when I told her I was pregnant again earlier today, she (as well as saying nice normal things) kept repeating “poor DD” (as in my daughter - sibling to future baby).

I’m only about 5 weeks pregnant so probably hormonal and over reacting but she is such an awful influence on my life.

I’m dependent on her for childcare until I can start my mat leave. I know I could try and sort a childminder but it’s hard as both me and DH leave home at 6.30 to get to work and money will be really tight so need to save as much as possible before new baby.

To make matters worse DM is moving to the local area - about 1 mile from me.

Sorry this is a real brain dump. I wish I had a kind and maternal mum.

If others have parents who make “jokey” unkind comments, how do you cope? She also says things like “oh is nasty mummy coming to take you away” in front of DD.

Talking to her about it is pointless. She deliberately misunderstands, blames me for being sensitive etc.

So basically how do I cope? I’ll have her for about 35 days in total (before mat leave). Obviously fingers crossed all is ok with the baby - it is very early days.

I wish we could move to another city to escape from her but I don’t think that is possible.

You sound so like me, @Harriebo I end up hiding in the bedroom when my mum is here. I hide in the kitchen preparing the meal, eat it with them then go upstairs to the bedroom whilst my mum plays nice Granny to my DDs, playing a board game or watching a DVD with them. They adore her so I feel I have to continue allowing her to see them, but I just can't cope with being around her now.

Lizzie

If you have taken to hiding in your own house to avoid your mother then things have come to a pretty low pass. Your children will notice your absence. They are also being potentially further subjected to her emotional manipulations.

I would also think that your kids do not adore your mother either; why do you think they do?. Is that really your own fear, obligation and guilt talking?. The old adage applies here; if she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your kids as well. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and such people do not change. They certainly never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Thanks Lizzie. It helped to have a cry and get it off my chest. And just to get away from the situation.

Is your mum similar to mine in any way?

I can’t imagine going no contact with my mum....she can be fine a lot of the time and the whole NC seems disproportionate to what she’s like / done.

I will clarify that I don't stay upstairs the whole time, I do go downstairs to make sure all is well and my DH is around as well, so my mum isn't unsupervised with the girls. I just can't cope with being around her for long myself.

We see her very rarely now. She's been here once since she got back home 2 weeks ago and there are no plans to have her back for now.

And yes my mum is very much like yours, but there is also the fact that my DSis and I are having a hard time believing that she knew nothing about what our abusive father was doing. And she constantly thinks more about our brother's needs than ours. He does have MH issues but he nevertheless played a part in the bad things that happened to us. So it feels like she's putting him before us.

I probably should just stop contact with her, my DDs have other people they're close to. But I find it hard to abandon her, as she's on her own and 78 now. I suppose I love her deep down and feel some responsibility towards her.

Hi all. I’ve lurked around these threads before but not posted. NC for about five years. Currently going through a bad patch missing having parents but of course I miss the people I want them to be, not who they actually are.

Someone on a TV show I was watching made a comment about knowing how difficult families can be and I yelled at the TV that she had no fucking clue just because her nice parents were divorced. I am not in a good place at all right now. I just feel so sad about it all.

I feel like I can’t abandon my mum too Lizzie. She is also on her own. My dad and step dad were neglectful and cruel in different ways. I can never talk to my mum about it.
I’m glad you have your DSis for support. I used to be close to mine but not really now. She feels a lot less anger towards my mum. I’m not sure why. My memories are very few and I think they do have a different relationship.

My mum realises I don’t like her I think and I think that’s actually making the situation worse.

Harriebo

I think your mother abandoned you a long time ago. Plenty of now elderly women are now on their own and have never behaved like either yours or Lizzie's mother have done.

Your mother has and continues to say horrible things to your DD. You really do need to find alternative childcare now; your mother is not a safe person to be at all around any of you and she will do your own MH no favours.

Your mother has given you no consideration either; she does not give a shit about you and never has yet you still let her into your home and life. You're going to have to address why that is (perhaps you still want her approval or think that somehow she will become a better person and say sorry) because she now being on her own is no reason. She chose to marry both your dad and stepdad who were both cruel too (as she is).

Lizzie

"But I find it hard to abandon her, as she's on her own and 78 now. I suppose I love her deep down and feel some responsibility towards her".

Children love their parents no matter how bloody awful they are. Your sentence, particularly the part about feeling responsible for her made me think of codependency; apologies if I am wide of the mark here. I am wondering if you have ever read about codependency.

I also do not think she has ever given or your sister any real consideration whatsoever; she has thrown you under the bus many times before now for her own self interest.

Sorry if it wasn’t ok to just jump in.

Have rung GP and told the
Spanish inquisition receptionist I think I have PTSD. She didn’t know what it was and kept reading back the wrong letters...

Now waiting for GP to call. Would really have liked to just book an appointment but have to wait for phone triage. Been off work long enough to need a doctors note so I have to go through whatever steps they say.

It is really hard asking people to listen to me and meet my needs so anything involving doctors is really difficult. Not sure if anyone can relate.

I hear what you’re saying Atilla, but I really don’t know if it’s as clear cut as that. I think she does care but I also think she is lazy and self absorbed and selfish. She does have good points. I don’t want her completely out of my life. Although admittedly it’s hard to know what I get from the relationship. I do get practical help - she helped a lot when DD was newborn and once held her for hours in the night so DH and I could rest. I guess she is good in a crisis.

I agree with you on the child care and we’re working on it but it’s not something I can change quickly. I think the main problem is that it is bad for my MH.

Mintkat - just to say I think it is completely fine to jump in.

How did you get on at the doctors? Really hope you got some supper.

I hear what you're saying as well, @AttilaTheMeerkat and I'm continuing to not contact my mum. I'm quite surprised she hasn't got in touch actually, or commented on My Facebook posts. When I actually think about it I start to think maybe something is wrong, and think I should check up on her?

But then when she's in touch she's so full on and bossy that I end up wishing I hadn't bothered.

I understand where you're coming from, @Harriebo it really isn't so clear cut sometimes. I don't want to blame my mum unfairly for what my abusive father did, simply because he's not around to face up to what he did to us.

I'm new to this thread and just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm in my 40's and have only admitted to a couple of people that I actually don't like my mother, it's the last taboo isn't it, everyone loves their mother right? I'm not sure my mother is a full on narc but she certainly ticks a lot of the boxes that you have described - me, me, me, boastful, trouble-making, attention seeking, illness fabricating...need I go on. Never once in my life have heard her voice on the phone and not been anxious. Hours and hours of her moaning about my Dad, sister, me, aunt, anyone really in a sort of rotation. She is in her late 70's and has full on dementia now, so really I mourned the loss of the relationship we would never have years ago - and whilst she is pretty vile and difficult - it is actually easier in many ways. I'd happily go NC without a backward glance but my Dad is kind, big hearted man and feels a duty to care for her.
Like many others have posted she was good with my kids (pre dementia) which threw me a bit, so this thread has been hugely helpful with the insight on that and just knowing others are out there - I'm sorry that you are, the burden is awful - but having thought I was the only one for so long it is a great comfort. I will keep reading and contribute anything if I can to support others, but bye for now & thanks again.

Hi. Sorry to jump in but I think this is the best place to ask for advice.
Bit of backstory...
Pretty sure MIL is a narc. Would make an already long post ridiculous to go into it but suffice to say I've lurked on this thread for a while and I'm pretty sure. DH has not yet seen the light and thinks she is wonderful. He can admit some of her faults but not the worst ones.
A couple of years ago SIL accused step father of historical sexual abuse. Police investigated and CPS dropped it. MIL did not even speak to her daughter about this, stuck by her husband and went on the warpath to discredit her daughter.
I believe SIL and have stuck by her and tried to support her. She hasn't had much other support from her family (3 out of 4 siblings taking their DM and step SFs side). I have been NC with PILs since this happened.
DH and I have 2 Dc's, DD is 2.5 and DS is only 3 weeks old. For the first year after the accusation I said that PILs were not allowed to see DD, they didn't bother trying anyway so was fine. Then MIL decided that they wanted to see DD. DH and I talked it through and came to the agreement that MIL could see DD as long as I was present (don't trust her as far as I can throw her) and we could meet in a public place to keep it neutral. Well obviously this wasn't good enough for MIL, at first she said she wouldn't see her with me there because it was bad for my DD because of my negativity towards them (don't even get me started ) and also that her husband has to be there. Well now she accepts that I have to be there but still insists that her husband has to be there as he has a right to see his GC too.
Anyway DH just wants to please his mum and she puts pressure on him and guilt trips him so he tries to get me to agree. I have stuck by my guns though and said only MIL can see her.
3 weeks ago I gave birth to DS and MIL has been laying it on thick to DH and, to cut a long story (as if this isn't long enough) short, I agreed to let them both see both DCs in a public place as long as I'm present.
I am now seriously regretting agreeing to this. The way I see it I would be putting my husband being able to please his mother above my kids' safety. That is not the mum I want to be. The thought of letting my children be in the same room as FIL makes my skin crawl. They claim it isnt fair to not let him see my DCs because he is innocent, well I don't believe he is for many reasons.
What do I do now? If I tell DH that I have changed my mind I know it will cause a big argument and he will be really upset and angry with me. Of course protecting my children is more important than my marriage but I'm just so worn down by it over the last 2 years, it's the only thing we properly argue about because he just cannot see my point of view and I can't see his. I'm also pissed off with him because I feel like he put pressure on me (and let his mum put pressure on me through him) when I'd just had a baby. My hormones were all over the place and I was really vulnerable. So I just gave in and agreed to it because I couldn't face arguing about it anymore.
Not sure what to do? Do I tell him I've changed my mind and felt pressured (which will just result in more arguments and him resenting me) or do I just go along with it but feel like I'm being an awful mother for not protecting my kids?