"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[toomuchtooold]

It's December 2017, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016
Oct 2016 - Feb 2017
Feb 2017 - May 2017
May 2017 - August 2017
August 2017 - December 2017
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Hi all

I'm sorry to dive right in with my woes but I'm currently in a bit of a tail spin and feel like I can't offer any reasonable advice to anyone else.

What do you do when you realise you have been acting exactly like your narcissistic mother?

I've been sabotaging my marriage, alienating friends and being a shitty mother to my kids. It took a huge row with DH for me to suddenly see it.

I've just started psychotherapy but I'm beginning to see I'm a complete mess and very much mentally ill.

I am good at talking and masking how I really feel, and now I realise that I need a lot of help.

I'm going to go to the GP on Monday for anti depressants and CBT referral but any help about how you coped with replicating mum's behaviours would be very welcome before I ruin my marriage and damage my kids.

Hi dancer

You have and continue to suffer greatly at the hands of a narcissistic parent. You do not mention your dad at all in your post but if he is still around he has most likely acted as her enabler and hatchet man so is not at all reliable either. Do you have siblings, if so how were they treated?

The links below may be of some help to you and I would also read the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers as starting points too.

I do not have direct experience of CBT but it may not in itself be enough to help you go forwards. Also therapy on the NHS can have long waiting lists and is also limited both in scope and number of sessions.

The distorted perception of reality a narcissistic parent imposes on a child can have damaging consequences as an adult at work and home. The lack of self-esteem, obsessive thinking, minimization of abuse, excessive anxiety, and fear based reactions are common among adult children of narcissists. I would read more about adult children of narcissists as well.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201205/it-s-all-about-me-recovery-adult-children-narcissist

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-heal-from-narcissistic-abuse-of-parent-1116165

Hi,
I used to post a lot on here, mostly under Badtoworse and Goodtobetter.

My mum's an engulfing narcissist who followed me to Spain, totally gate crashed my life and tried to split my marriage up, made favourites of my children. We have been NC since aug 2014. She went too far and when I didn't pick up the phone, so she went totally batshit, defcon1. So we ended up NC. Then she emigrated in a fit of pique in November 2014. We haven't spoken since.

When she emigrated the people who bought her house coincidentally were a family who aren't English but speak it at home. So there was no language barrier for her. She totally went for it with them, scorched earth, slagged me off and made up all sorts of shit about me, implied she was dying from something. They believed it, gossiped around the village about me and mostly ignore me to this day.

I am really angry about all that still. And I feel really bitter towards them and her. I see them from time to time around the village and it just reminds me of it all, the shitstorm with my mother and the fact that they got involved so much in it. Knowing they slagged me off, but not knowing exactly what was said. It makes me feel on the back foot always. They kept in contact with her for a while after she left, I'm not sure how long, which just feels weird and makes me feel even more on the back foot.

I'm getting better about dealing with it, sometimes I feel alright about it, but these feelings still bother me. I'd so much love to forget it all and not care. It feels like such a long time ago, 3.5 years, but I still feel like it's so fresh (I suppose because I still see them and it's not really resolved, it's a bit like being haunted). Although I suppose it's not that long in the grand scheme of NC.

It feels like a weight I carry around that I don't know how to take off. Sometimes it doesn't bother me so much, but then I have flashes of it and I find myself obsessing a bit again.
How do you let it go?

How do you know if you belong here? I watch but often feel my situation is not severe enough if that makes sense. Another bumpy time ( talking but v stilted) and I am feel as if this is all supposed to be my fault. I actually don't think I will ever be good enough tbh. If I don't tow the line then I am the bad daughter. I have hurt them etc. Obviously not my intention. Who would intentionally hurt people, especially their family?

It's tricky as my parents have done to much for us and they truly have. Childcare and tons of favours. When things are good they are great. When they are not, they are terrible. I am not ungrateful but need to even the balance. Had to go for some external childcare as things not working out. Can see we have opposing views on parenting and this decision in particular and that's fine. But the fact I have 'done this' and the fact that it will 'change things in the family is being levied at me. I can't face months of not properly speaking again as they do have a great relationship with my children (trickier with my youngest atm due to above parenting differing viewpoints). This all sounds so pathetic and trivial but as ever, the past history feels like a major load. I can see that this awful atmosphere will go on for some time to come. I know that I made the right decision but everyone else thinks otherwise and that I am terrible for doing this.

I don't want to upset others and I am grateful. I do have to do what is right for my children and me ( there was conflict about the issue at hand on several occasions) and it was no good for anyone.

Hi purplepandas

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

Purplepandas,

re your comment:-
"I can't face months of not properly speaking again as they do have a great relationship with my children"

But do they really have a great relationship with your parents (or would you like to think that they do?) given the fact that they were not good parents to you as a child when you were growing up?. I would say no and particularly no when they start answering back or having opinions of their own. If your parents are for instance narcissistic in nature, your kids could simply be being used here as their narcissistic supply, they certainly are not aware that they are being manipulated here.

Your parents have certainly left you with a shedload of fear, obligation and guilt. They have made you feel like the so called bad DD if you do not tow the line here. Your comment, "hen things are good they are great. When they are not, they are terrible" makes me immediately think abusive relationship; their actions are about power and control. I would also think they have made you feel like you owe them big time given all the favours they have done and "help" they have given you. Those I daresay were all conditional. Your parents also want you to stay in your assigned role and play along as you were taught to do, going outside of that is never tolerated. But you are right not to tolerate their ill treatment of you and in turn your own family unit.

I am wondering if you have ever read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride. This together with Toxic Parents by Susan Forward could be a good starting point for you to read.

Thank you so much Attila. I really appreciate the replies. I guess you are right about the FOG. Hard when they have done so much. I am sticking to my guns but a rocky road ahead I think. I don't have the emotional energy for the stress. I will definitely take a look at those books as not read either. Thank you.

I would like to join this thread, I have a very toxic Mum and I think talking it through would help deal with some of my resentment for her. This is probably very outing but never mind. Growing up my childhood was good, we had very hands on grandparents and parents were together, they were a little lazy but good to us. The problems started when I was about 16, my mum seemed to have a mid life crisis, she left my dad we moved in with grandparents and she just seemed to spiral with drink, started dating someone half her age (and only a few years old than me at the time!), she would come home steaming drunk, once she had to be walked home from the local pub, she had wet herself and it out a lot of stress on my grandparents. Falling asleep before she made it upstairs was common. We had a holiday just the two of us, she spend most of it getting so drunk in the mornings I would go down to the pool alone, I would go to bed alone while she went of with one of the men at the hotel. She also got the attention from a bar staff and she took us both back to their house after a night out (he had a son) she ended up sleeping with him and wouldn't leave when I wanted to, luckily the son rang me a taxi and made sure I got home okay but I dread to think what could of happened. My grandparents relocated up north when I was 18, I didn't want to leave, Mum decided she couldn't afford to stay so went with them, gave me a deposit to rent a flat with my boyfriend of 6 months, it left me with a lot of financial trouble as I was too young, a student and we had to move out after 4 months as we couldn't afford it. I have since built a family with this man, have children. She makes no effort to visit, always the excuse of no money yet she smokes and drinks a bottle a night. I have even offered and my Nan has offered to pay too yet she declines. My 78 year old Nan drives down alone the full 8 hours yet Mum would not accompany her to even keep her company. She leeches off my Nan - didn't work for ages, blown divorce money from Dad, plus two lots of money given as early inheritance from Nan when she relocated and then after grandad got ill downsized. She still leeches money off my Nan and my brother (he paid her rent this month), she takes the Micky. He has brought her food shopping in the past as she's been complaining of being so poor yet wanted to add wine which my brother said no because she has too much, she said that's okay I'll buy it despite having no money. I would have gone NC a long time ago if it wasn't for fear of upsetting my Nan and causing her more stress. I am angry at my mum for not taking any responsibility for her life, she is like an out of control teenager, I blame her for my grandads illness and worry the stress she causes to my Nan.

Sorry for the essay - it felt good to get that out.

Thank god I have a fantastic hands on Dad who lives nearby, a good brother and fantastic in laws to be good role models for my children!

I'm new in this thread. I'm still suffering from the effects of my childhood. I feel as though I should have got over this by now.....
I'm currently depressed and I'm having counselling....not for the first time I might add!
To everyone on here keep strong and remember that none of what happened to you was your fault.

Morning all!

Hi lily

there aren't really any rules for the thread - just post away! You can introduce yourself, or not - a lot of people choose not to share too many details so as to stay less identifiable. If that's an issue for you, there are a couple of less public forums on and off of mumsnet where people discuss this stuff, and if you PM me I can give you the details.

You asked how to reconcile your feelings of guilt and anger. I think that's a fairly common thing to sort of bounce between the two. IMO, the anger's an appropriate and healthy reaction, while the guilt has to some extent been "programmed" into you in childhood, most likely, and my guess would be that you feel a level of obligation to your parents that you probably wouldn't have if your childhood situation had been a healthy one. So I think the approach to those two emotions should be different. The anger, I think you have to let yourself feel it: I like for this stuff, but in a nutshell if you allow yourself to mindfully feel the anger, observe yourself feeling it, and don't judge it just let it be, it will eventually start to fade and the rest of the palette of emotions will come back to you a bit. But anger's going to come in bits and pieces, particularly if you've only started thinking about this stuff recently.

For the guilt, just my opinion again but I think that guilt is only an appropriate emotion when you are doing something that is against your own moral system. So the first step is to think it out logically: is it moral, in your life, for you to stay out of the way of your parents? (Spoiler: yes!) What would be the impact of being back in close contact with them? For you, for your family? Are your parents the sort of people who will take everything you have to offer, and still want more? If so, IMO, you really don't need to feel guilty about not throwing yourself under a bus to make them feel slightly better. Somebody on one of these forums said a great thing: you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep them warm.

Have you read any of the books in the OP? I would recommend the Toxic Parents book, I think some of the dynamics in there might be familiar.

Hi mumofthree

Regarding your mum, I think you have to really accept that this is who she is. You can't change people, they need to change themselves, they need to want to. I also think there's not much you can do about your brother and nan enabling her - their choice. What you can control is your own behaviour, you can decide how much effort you want to put into seeing her when you're always going to be disappointed. Have you had any contact to Al-anon?

Hi snowdrop

I feel as though I should have got over this by now

I can't take my own advice on this, but you know, it takes as long as it takes. Am I right in thinking you've grown up as a people pleaser? You're trying to be a good patient and get over this quickly. Sometimes it's just not possible. You deserve all the time it takes to recover from this.

Thanks Too much too old.
Yes, I am a people pleaser.
I suppose I just feel annoyed with myself that I can't get past this and just be 'normal' !

Imagine it was someone else with your history going through therapy, snowdrop. Would you get frustrated with them by now, or would you feel more compassion with the fact that the recovery was so hard? Would you admire their strength? It's really hard for people like us to have self compassion and accept our limitations.

Hi I'm back on here again after several months of absence. I last posted in June/July 2018,. My father had been slowing dying for over 2 years (had dimentia was ill for many years) and I was struggling to cope with the emotional abuse that my mother inflicted on me basically using my Dad's condition as a weapon. To get the full story it is best to read back over my last threads. Anyway Dad died in July and I hate to admit this but it was a relief, I felt free (I know this is awful but my kids felt the same and many other family members thought similar.) One of the problems was my refusal to meet expectations and go over and spend all my time caring - I was born and live in UK. Funeral was a full traditional Irish Catholic affair. I felt totally sidelined at the funeral. DF's body was laid out in house, and there was a whole ritual that I had no understanding of. Made worse by the fact that as eldest child I had role which I didn't want but which my sister (Golden Child) felt should she deserved and treated me like dirt throughout. I spent my birthday (which no one was allowed to acknowledge in public at least.) sat, all day, by my father's dead body. I also had to sleep in room with the coffin lid as my mother wouldn't hear of it being moved into the outhouse. I know it's mad but the picture of it haunts me. I knew that there would be pressure for me to remain for weeks with my mother after but I carefully arrange that this would not be possible and to be brutally honest when I left I felt a weight had been lifted from me and I went LC with DM. I reduced phone calls to every 2 weeks (According to DM much longer). Phone calls are one of her control methods, she claims it is cheaper for me to phone her and she refuses to use text, computer or any social media. My sister is the same. Since my father died life has been great. My health has recovered (I lost my hair through all the stress plus other stuff.) and I have got a new job which I absolutely love. I even managed to ignore the Christmas hints. (My mother never says anything directly or in front of others you have to interpret her thoughts. Get it wrong and she has "moods" talking in monosyllables and refusing to engage.) but now everything has kicked off again like it was with my father. For the past week my Mum has been in hospital (chest infection from flu that was not treated right). She's been ill on and off since Christmas and has been hinting for me to come and look after her. Last night she commanded me to come over to care for her and for her to make over her house to my sister and I. Last night for the first time in my life I said no. I wasn't coming and that was final. She commandeThen it got nasty. She tried the you'll be old one day and on your own... tack, told me my duty to her as my mother, even tried using my father, saying "how did you get to be so hard, he always said how you would do anything. Ask F she'll come and sort it ".(He was her total enabler never said such a thing.). She started crying saying she can't keep up her house and needs me to sign documents so she can make it over to me and live in it till she finds a buyer. ie you can have all the maintenance etc. She needs to consult me over headstone for my Dad's grave. She went on and on. I couldn't get a word in edge way. Any attempt to reason such as suggesting my sister email me pictures of the headstones, that we arrange a conference call with the solicitors and then move on the house, or any attempt for me to explain how I feel etc when run rough shod over. The whole conversation was heard by my younger daughter (we have had an arrangement for a long time for my kids to interrupt calls with DM as a means of saving my sanity) this time she listened in and was absolutely disgusted with her grandmother, She couldn't get over how DM droned on and on and how mean she was. DD2 describing her as "a bitch" (My kids all know what she's like as she started on them once they developed their own personalities.). Afterwards she apparently contacted her other 3 siblings to alert them what is going on. Ironically one of them lives in Ireland but DM has alienated him. (Not sure of the details but suspect it's due to his sexuality.) and they have all been in touch to tell me not to give in. I know that I am right and that I have nothing to apologise for but I now the FOG has set in and I feel my resolve crumbling. Overnight I seem to have stepped back to where I was this time last year and it is not a good place. I need help not to give in.
Thanks, Sorry this is so long.

Hi frami, I remember your posts from last year. I'm sorry to hear about your dad and I totally get what you mean about the relief. I often miss my dad, specially as I have kids now, but I know that I would never have been able to see him without having to deal with my mother, and I'm glad in a way that that was never a decision I had to make, you know?

Your aunts and uncles sound awesome. They've got the measure of your mother and it sounds like they can give you some support through this. They are right, this is not your job - think how you would handle this situation if you were your mother. Would you be on the phone emotionally blackmailing your children? Would you want your children to subject themselves to this? No, so you don't deserve to either.
It's all very well me saying that there's no reason to feel guilty but I know guilt doesn't work that way. But since you know intellectually that you don't have to do this, can you find ways to avoid being subjected to the guilt tripping? Can you phone less often? I like your thing where your DD interrupts to get you off the phone. (I used to leave the phone off the charger so that it would run out of charge after about 20 minutes). I wonder if there's any mileage in you using scripts like "we've talked about this and I've said no", "that won't work for me, sorry", that sort of thing? And less explaining of your feelings - here's an article about why it tends to get you nowhere with them.
It's very interesting to hear your mother basically cycling through all the methods she can think of to reel you in (sympathy... evoking your dad... trying to bribe you... finding pretexts to get you over...) - you need to keep in mind that she is basically just bringing out every weapon in the armoury to try and get you to do what she wants. It's all mince.

toomuchtooold Thanks yes I remember you giving me great advice last year. It has all been so good up til now but the fact that mother is ill has given her another stick to beat me with. Although I made it clear to my daughter that l don't condone listening in (as she knew, that's why she came to me and told me immediately DM put down the phone on me.) I think it was the right thing, she said it really showed her what her GM is like. DD2 also pointed out something that I'd missed: namely DM's voice changes throughout the conversation and is another means of manipulation. For most of the conversation she had on this winey, tearful, fragile voice which instantly changed when she tried a more agressive tack. DD2s feedback was so useful that I am going to buy a speaker phone, one which also shows caller, so everyone can hear the conversation if DM calls. I have cut calls to her drastically but the trouble is I lend myself to further bullying when I do call. A few weeks ago she actually called me, to complain that I hadn't called (I've had 2 calls since DF died). We went through a similar sinario to last night and she actually made a sort of apology for her behaviour over the years but somehow made me to blame. Too little and far too late.
later I am going to contact DMs solicitor to ask whether I am really needed for DM to sell her house as she claims and to tell them I want no part of it and neither do my children. Trouble is I'm afraid she'll find out and life will be hell. I made the mistake of taking money from her once before - never again. It does not come free.
What you said about my mother using every weapon is exactly what DH and DD2 said. I know it too it's just so hard not to give in. I am going to try some of the advice in the article. Thanks for that. I read similar in the Susan Forward Toxic Parents Book. I use those tactics all the time with other people but somehow I fall apart when it comes to DM. I just end up upset, didn't sleep at all last night. She gets into my head and I can't remove her.

I have a toxic family :(. I'm 18 and luckily have a very loving boyfriend and his family. If I didn't I'd be completely alone. I've recently been dealing with chronic pain. Laying on the floor in a ball crying out in pain my mum tells me "You're ruining my life." And "you're so selfish." I have no explanations for her cruel comments. After an awful phone conversation with my dad I sent him his text: "This is a difficult decision because I do care about you. Because of this I’ve been able to put up with years of you calling me a cunt whenever you get the opportunity, neglecting me and focusing all your attention on my brother and getting drunk and yelling at me. I even forgave you for that time you were so drunk you intentionally tried to break my arm and smacked Owens head against the wall. My heart broke into a million pieces when I saw you do that to him. But because you are our Dad, I moved on from it. However, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Right now I can’t be ‘the bigger person’ because I’m focusing on getting better. And I can’t afford to have people in my life who aren’t supportive of me. You are willing to ignore the professional opinion of 5 doctors (one of which being a urologist) who have all said I may have interstitial cystitis as well as multiple urine samples which have shown blood, protein and white blood cells. Never mind the torturous, unrelenting symptoms I’ve had to deal with for the past few weeks which have prevented me from sleeping. You ignore all of this, and call me a hypochondriac. That is not something a logical, compassionate or loving person would do. I think it would be best if we didn’t have contact from now on. In all honesty, the only memories I really have of you are moments of rage like on holiday when you flipped the outside table upside down and threw the hotel chairs about or you telling me I’m a horrible selfish cunt when in reality I haven’t actually done anything wrong other than asked for help. After weeks of sleep deprivation and horrible symptoms all day and all night I found myself on the floor in tears (a pretty normal human response to this kind of ordeal) not with my Dad their to listen but on the phone to Samaritans. The man I spoke to listened to every word. Something I’m not used to. He was sympathetic, kind and even gave me useful advice which I have since followed. I pretended he was my Dad for those few minutes. I pretended he loved me, wanted the best for me and would be willing to do anything for me. The reality is, you don’t have the unconditional love for me that a Father should have for his Daughter. You can tell me “the whole family thinks you’re a hypochondriac” all you like but let me tell you a few things. After the Christmas before last your sister and Gran were both concerned that I was actually living with you. And they don’t know the half of it. What are you going to tell me? That I have imagined you telling me that I am a self righteous cunt. That I imagined you physically abusing the little brother I love more than anything. If anyone in this family had a mental illness it is not me. You’re a sociopath, and I no longer consider you my Dad." He never replied to that text. It's very difficult when the people around you don't love you, even more so when you're in constant pain. If anyone needs to talk, I'm here :) x

Bel04 I know what it's like to have a parent who ignores any illness you have. It has always been part of the role designated me by my DM. Apparently I don't get ill. I This has been the message all my life and it is the same with my children. Any illness is ignored. DD2 had a serious life changing operation when she had just turned 13. My mother didn't even text her. I was astonished when she rang me when I was taken into hosptial (emergency) 2 years ago but that more prompted by the fact I was meant to be flying over to her that day. Any concern for me is always based on how it effects her. Total opposite with my sister. 2 months after DD2s op. I was commanded to come and act as taxi/general dogsbody while she was in hospital. I was treated like sh**t the whole week. It is horrible and just another form abuse. Well done you for sending that text. Wish I had your courage.

Hi frami, what I will say is I'm enjoying not being a called a useless cunt on a regular basis and have no regrets thus far. It's only been about a week but so far not having a father has suited me quite well. I'm currently sitting in a hot bath trying to manage my chronic pain, if one good thing has come from all my suffering it's that I see exactly what is and isn't important now. Getting treated like shit by my 'dad' just isn't, it does a lot of emotional (and sometimes physical£ damage and has no benefit whatsoever.

Anyway around? Am about to stand up for myself and it’s making me so nervous- I hate confrontation.

I’ve got to show that I’ve got boundaries.

aliasjoey good for you!

Thanks, am now getting a load of texts from my sister (I think on this thread, they call someone like her a ‘flying monkey’ ie. a minion of the Wicked Witch) and I am slowly getting drunk.

Oddly enough, I had a bad week at work with a colleague, an older woman who I also have trouble standing up to - it’s all made me see I have to take back control.

I haven’t read your full story bel but I have to say your text to your dad was great. You should be proud of yourself for being getting your message across so clearly and firmly.

God, when I write it all down to my sister it does sound as though I’m making mountains out of molehills.

Well let us know on here how you get on 👍🏻 remember everyone has family struggles and you are not alone. Remember you can't change anyone. It's waste of breath. You are in control of who is in your life and how you let people's words and actions affect you. Be your own advocate and know your worth ☺️

Well I spit it all out to my sis, and no doubt that will get fed back to my mother. I do feel horribly guilty about everything, but I had to stand up for myself. And if not for myself then for my daughter who got dragged into it. To teach her that her feelings are just as important as anybody else’s.

I can’t believe I’ve stood up to two different people this week! But why should I have to, I’m 47 fgs, isn’t life supposed to get easier?

aliasjoey Well done standing your ground. It is so hard I know inability to stand up to people is all part of the toxic family relationships. I have no problem dealing with people on a day to day basis, but confronting my mother is another story. I think because if you say have a confrontation in normal life it is done and dusted. You can reason and hopefully come to an agreement. With my DM the only way is hers and she will use any tactic to get it. Leaving me a guilt racked emotional wreck.